EPTNegativity, not even once
Today I came in 2 minutes. Yup. No other way to say it. No real way to explain the shame that causes when you hope to feel like a beast.
For a long time now, I've been negative, and my girlfriend has cheered me up; she has given me pep talks, the whole goddamn 9 yards. Usually when I would be negative about something, like my grades in my last blog, it would be something like, "I know something you are pretty good at" in a remarkably unabashed cute tone of voice. Now, yes I'm too young to be having sex, and yes I'm too young to be getting this down on myself, but sadly I am. As one fairly astute commentor said, "Emo-but-priviliged" describes me pretty well right now. I've been so negative, and today when I blew it, I felt terrible. I sat there, and I closed my eyes. Its a nice day, 53 degrees, sunny, we have 3 blankets, all on her. She is beautiful. I can't think about any of that though, all I can think about is blaming myself. Being negative. I think I've just let my girlfriend down, that all the other times we've had sex and I've pleased her is now gone because I didn't do well one time after not having sex for a month with her. I just sat there. I just lay there. She didn't say a word, I think that was the only thing I wanted hear, how bad I was and how little I deserved her.
Last night, I sat in the stands as I watched my girlfriend cheer at senior night. I watched as my classmates received awards and were called out over the loud speaker at a basketball game that stated all of their accomplishments. None of them were too impressive, but I don't think any of my accomplishments are better. I sat there, alone, none of my friends came. Hell I don't think I actually expected them to come since they weren't being honored. I sat there alone, staring at people going to sit with one of my girlfriends exes, a beautiful looking dude (I'm not even kidding when I say that he might be the best looking guy at school), more mature looking than me, and two years younger than me. I felt like shit, looking, and I'll be honest, it physically hurts me to write this. I felt so inferior, yet, as I write this, I'm the one with a beautiful girlfriend. I'm the one dating the cheerleader. Being insecure, being negative, something I do well.
![[image loading]](http://media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com/upload/32721534764324307_Szy6PNyZ_b.jpg)
Sums up what my previous thought model was
I've been too negative, and today my girlfriend told me that she was going to break up with me if that didn't change before I go to college. Of course, she offset that by saying it was a possibility, a maybe, and not a definite. Take that as you will, yes it made me angry. Yes it made me even more negative. What did she want me to do? Be very happy when my mom lies to me and tells me she isn't getting tested for cancer when she is? Be very happy when my dad tells me that he doesn't think I can be as successful as he was or my grandparents were? She is right though, people who are negative aren't fun to be around She is right, I need to change. I've blamed a lot of it on stress in the IB, and yet I was depressed sophomore year when I wasn't in the IB. Lately, I've been more negative than usual, lately I've not been fun to be around.
I'l admit, I didn't like taking that medicine. Hearing her say that made me very angry. After all, we had done everything on the date that she wanted to do, hell I got bit by 3 fucking cats and didn't complain about it when we were at the shelter. When we did something I wanted to do, I fucking sucked at it. When she talked about college, I just felt so vulnerable. I had done everything she watned to on this date, and yet doing what I want was what I failed at. I didn't want to hear what she said. I just took a walk with my father. It's cold outside now, maybe because I feel cold inside. At least it was cold when his words hit me. Truth feels cold. He told me to be happy, that she and I were both right. He spoke from experience, from his brain to a kid thinking wishfully from his heart, mixed with his dick. He told me that we were both right. I'm not some pauper to make her happy 24/7, to be here play thing and keep her entertained with my revelry, I'm allowed to be sad sometimes; only Sometimes. That was his catch for me, I can't be negative always, no one wants to be around that. He told me what I knew, but refused to acknowledge, that I have a lot of good in my life. Happiness isn't an on and off switch, but I can't have the lights always on off.
Being happy isn't a sprint, said every self-help book ever. But really, banalities aside, precociousness aside, I need to work on this. I am a worthwhile person. Being 2nd isn't being last, like I agreed to in my last blog. Being last means giving up, being second means having something to work on. Being happy means having my life in a place where I can accept the failures and enjoy the successes; happiness is not all success, no failure. Cumming in 2 minutes isn't the end of the world, and being negative about it just wastes precious time where I could be happy. Specious reasoning out of the way, I'm going to recognize the good in my life. I don't have to always be happy, but smiling never hurt anyone, and I'm damn sure it won't hurt me.
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. I understand that the little things are easy to get caught up on and I shouldn't pay attention to them. Also, yeah we've done it more than once in a session, this one was just so breathtakingly off that I asked her and she just said she was tired and no. That didn't make me feel any better about it, that I couldn't right my wrong (that is what I thought at the time at least), but in retrospect I don't think she cared about the sex, but rather that I looked so broken.
