EPT
And that's just how life goes, I guess
| Blogs > alia |
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alia
United States294 Posts
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GaNgStaRR.ElV
Canada535 Posts
At the end of the day you gave your all for something your passionate with and a few mistakes along the way, nothing to be ashamed of, especially with a support system like family to give you advice. There's always light at the end of the tunnel. | ||
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Sajedene
United States10 Posts
I'm going to tell you something that you're not going to want to hear. I am the kind of person who rarely feels pity towards people who put themselves in the situation they find themselves in. You chose this route, now you have to live it. Ask yourself, what is the real intention of your post (since you mentioned you're not sure why you're doing it)? Do you need help? Or do you feel that this attention, and the pity you will generate will help you in achieving what you want (more viewers to possibly generate a revenue/partnership) or what you need (to get your life on track)? I really hope it's the latter. You need to get your life back on track and honestly, the last thing you need right now is video games, viewers, and online attention for the lack of the prior. Just let go. Let go of it. Focus on yourself, finding a job and a stable place to live. Don't stoop to the level of popularity out of pity. If you need help, then please, by all means... ask. But ask for it in regards to help in finding a job, a place to stay, a meal or two. Don't drown yourself in this world you created in your head that you think you need to be a part of. Get your shit together first - then worry about that. Being an entertaining streamer and viewer count is such a superficial issue compared to everything else that you need to work on in your life. Feel free to message me if you really want to get your life on track. I won't hold your hand. I won't baby you. What I will do is do my best to actually help you get out of your rut, any way I can. All the best. | ||
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alia
United States294 Posts
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ChiIIgetoutGG
Canada101 Posts
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ProV1
United States980 Posts
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alia
United States294 Posts
Either way, it doesn't really matter to me right now. I've got more important things to think about at the moment. I didn't expect people to say that I was using this blog as a way to boost viewer count or something (which is not the case). I gave up on it a couple weeks back when I didn't have a place to stay. I did expect that there would be harsh comments. I willingly posted this knowing that if I ever did come back, someone could, at any time, bring this back up and "have something on me", I suppose. But it is fine. I can deal with that. Harsh words over the internet are the least of my worries at the moment and some of them have at least a little bit of advice or truth in them. I wrote this because putting it out there is helping me cope. At the same time, it's my strange way of asking a certain someone for help. | ||
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AFKing
128 Posts
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run.at.me
Australia550 Posts
In order to reach the top in life, you need to hit rockbottom first. You're at rockbottom. Fortunately you're 22. Just a kid, really. You will learn from this - learn to prioritize what needs to be done verse what you feel like doing. Everything will be fine, you will figure it all out. Tough times, just believe you can conquer it and you will. | ||
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tauon
Australia1278 Posts
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wonderwall
New Zealand695 Posts
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alia
United States294 Posts
On January 16 2013 11:54 run.at.me wrote: You've been spending too much time on what you enjoy rather than what you need to do to survive. In order to reach the top in life, you need to hit rockbottom first. You're at rockbottom. Fortunately you're 22. Just a kid, really. You will learn from this - learn to prioritize what needs to be done verse what you feel like doing. Everything will be fine, you will figure it all out. Tough times, just believe you can conquer it and you will. You are right. It's quite a humbling experience, actually. You don't really quite look at food or a good night's sleep in the same way again. That's for sure. | ||
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Keldrath
United States449 Posts
You don't know it, but I'm very much like you, and I've been in those kinds of places mentally a few times, and I'm sure I will be again, I can relate, and I also know my words probably don't seem to mean much. It doesn't seem to help much to hear things could get better, and you should be sure to give that a chance to work out. You don't really have much to lose by trying to see. Honestly I just don't want you to make the mistake I did when I was in that situation. This helped me, and I hope it will help you too. | ||
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Reap_
Brunei Darussalam760 Posts
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alia
United States294 Posts
On January 16 2013 12:20 Reap_ wrote: Hey man, this is sad to hear. Don't you have any family or relatives place you can stay at? At least until you get a job maybe? I have two cousins. Both of them are in University and can't really offer me a semi-permanent place. They were the first people I contacted. I'm at my cousin's dorm in Irvine, but I can't stay very long. The other lives in San Francisco, but he doesn't have any room where he lives, I think. I've been couchsurfing at friends' places pretty much all around southern California, but no one can offer more than a few days. If I knew where I would be in a few days, few weeks, or few months, it would make finding a job a lot easier. | ||
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Cool Cat
United States1644 Posts
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Esoterikk
Canada1256 Posts
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alia
United States294 Posts
On January 16 2013 12:36 Esoterikk wrote: You're not going to want to hear this but go get a job at a fast food place most of them hire on the spot and full time will get you rent money. Can't be picky in the real world unfortunately. No. It's fine. I'm willing to take pretty much anything at the moment. I don't mind working fast food. It's something, at the very least. The hardest part is finding a place to stay without being able to pay for first month's rent. | ||
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Sporadic44
United States533 Posts
I cant speak on the couch surfing and lack of a place to call home. Though personally where I live is nothing like a "home". I carry that with me in my heart even when i'm alone. If you can learn to do that you will never be lost. Put the game down for awhile. I dont mean physically(Idk if youre still playing dota right now) but mentally, just let it go. Get your shit together, get a job, get a place to live. I love video games and I always will, but living for nothing but the game is a very sad path to walk. Take it all in stride and with a calm mind. Figure out what you need to do, strategize, then execute; just like you would in dota. You need to have your basic needs met before you can truly grow. I'll leave this here | ||
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blandie
Australia1 Post
I made an account on TL just to say that your story touched me. You went for broke, sometimes it doesnt pay off. But you seem to have matured, and made a few difficult decisions. Mainly, the maturity and depth of this blog was a saddening and touching read. Now you have admitted these things to yourself, I think you will be fine. and when you are finished with getting back on your feet, finish uni man. You will make something of yourself through hard work, if nothing else. A fan. Blandie | ||
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blabber
United States4448 Posts
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King Geedorah
190 Posts
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alia
United States294 Posts
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HoboWithAGlock
United States18 Posts
The worst part is thinking about all of the people that helped you to get where you are right now. The people from half a year ago. What would they think of you? Their generosity. Their kindness. What would it become if they found out you were in the same position again? They all believed you would be okay, that you would be able to work out your problems with just a little bit of a helping hand. That is why I am ashamed of myself. That is why I hate myself. That is why during all of this, I never contacted Blitz once. I respect him greatly. And losing his respect. To imagine his scornful eyes, it scares me. It scares me a lot. Maybe it doesn't make sense. Maybe my priorities aren't straight. It's probably stupid. But I don't even know what to think anymore. But when you think like I do and you don't really see a way out, you lose your will. You lose your will because you realize that you have become exactly what you were trying to avoid all along. You want to be useful and you want to validate your existence. That's why I streamed. I wanted to make someone else in the world happy. It made me forget my uselessness. That's what made me happy. Or maybe that's what I thought made me happy. I know this all too well, man. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, it's hard to put to words how one feels in situations like this. You hate yourself and you worry about what everyone else thinks about you. And it spirals downward into a whirlpool of self-hatred and loathing. I watch a LOT of Dota, which includes streaming. I never got around to watching you much, I'll be honest, but seeing you there all the time and hearing about your skill from friends made me respect what you did along with the other non-professional streamers who kept going at it. Not much else to say, dude, but know that I understand. | ||
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inphinity_
United States28 Posts
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alia
United States294 Posts
On January 16 2013 14:19 inphinity_ wrote: Keep your head up Alia. Always loved watching you stream. Best of luck to you Thanks, Frankie. I expect to see you playing at TI3 when Mirana gets buffed. | ||
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Xinder
United States2269 Posts
 Best of luck Alia and I'm sure everything will work out fine in the end! <3 | ||
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Ack1027
United States7873 Posts
I figured you had a crew or maybe some friends at least to play together since you were decent at dota and had a pretty regular streaming audience no matter how small it was. I had no idea it was this bad. I guess you don't need anyone to tell you but your dream was pretty farfetched and this is def a wakeup call for you. Just learn from your mistakes and don't give up. In the grand scheme of things your life will be ok, there just no light at the end of the tunnel for you atm since you devoted everything to streaming and such. Personally I think your a likeable guy but you had no direction with your stream other than being an available stream. Advertising that you were top 20 nadl/c9 or whatever doesn't mean anything to most people. And even then, those 2 specific inhouses are below average. Not skillwise of course, lots of skilled people play there but the environment is flamey and weird unless you were able to play with the pro regulars at busy night time. Just weigh your options, pick one, and go for it man. DotA and your stream doesn't have to be given up completely, I mean you can return to it once your life is more normal. Don't think about the shame you feel from people who helped you out when you were in a similar position. Just use it as motivation to improve your life situation. I'm sure everyone who helped you isn't judgemental that you're in a similar position again. Just accept that streaming nonstop aint for you at this moment and go for other things in life! | ||
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MautDotA2
United States31 Posts
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Blitz
United States706 Posts
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oakshalis
United States2 Posts
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r1sk
Australia1 Post
good luck to you, the dota community is behind you. | ||
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alia
United States294 Posts
On January 16 2013 15:35 Blitz wrote: I'm really lucky to be able to follow my dream and passion and I'm glad that it gave you a source of inspiration. I wish you all the best Rodney and if theres anything else I can do let me know. Thanks, Will. It means a lot to me. On January 16 2013 16:29 r1sk wrote: hi alia, r1sk/envelop here, we played alot with or against each other in MM. you're a good player and i watched ur stream. everyone goes thru tough moments in life, im sure in due time with help from the right people things will pick up and you'll find the light at the end of the tunnel. good luck to you, the dota community is behind you. I always thought I was scorned by the Australian DotA community. Maybe it was all imagined. I suppose I thought I rubbed you and your group of friends the wrong way or something. You guys were a tough crowd and I was on the receiving end of some well coordinated DotA. I may have had a huge ping advantage over you guys, but I was always got my butt whooped. It's good to hear from you and even though I lost pretty much every game against you guys (it was a fearful stack to go against, really!!), it only made me try to be at least a little bit better. It's a lot of praise coming from a respected member of another DotA community. Maut: I really like your casts and I hope to see you getting bigger casting gigs in the future. Maybe we'll see you in the casting table at TI3? : ) On January 16 2013 16:22 oakshalis wrote: hey alia, i watched your stream from time to time and even queued MM against you two times, just wanted to say thanks for streaming for such a long time, your stream was very peaceful and i enjoyed it, best of luck in life I'm glad it made at least some people happy. Even though it wasn't the right decision at the time, I won't regret some of the positive influences I might have made. | ||
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Rainmaker5
United States1027 Posts
Best of luck. | ||
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wutupz
United States1 Post
I can't help to notice that you didn't mention your parents. I don't know much about your family stuff, however tell us about it, maybe we can give out more advice. | ||
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RLTY
United States965 Posts
That being said, I'm sure with the passion and enthusiasm that you put into DotA is also the fuel to overcome your obstacles. Good luck alia and feel free to message me if I can be of assistance. | ||
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eNTedota
1 Post
Keep your head up. Everytime we got queued together/against each other, you were a great dude with a positive attitude. Try to keep that positive attitude. Best of luck for the future! | ||
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MBV
United States83 Posts
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Kotoko
Korea (South)43 Posts
And how come you are not considering school? Go get a degree in nursing. You seem like a person who feels good from making others happy. Nursing is one of them. I'm a nurse myself and make $40/hr. And that doesn't even include the night, weekend, and holiday differentials. | ||
shostakovich
Brazil1429 Posts
Life is harsh, I feel you. I was also under some shit (jobless for a while, grandmother died and the family didn't take it so well, etc) and I get how scary the future can look. But keep calm and look ahead of you. Make plans. Don't wait the world to make plans for you. Keep fighting the good fight. And take the "Maybe it's just a cry for help" very seriously. If you really think you need help, then go for it. Surround youself with people you trust. If they're your friends, they'll not judge you, they'll only listen. The worst conversations are the one we never had the chance to have, so don't waste your opportunities. You're still very young. I wish you luck and success. | ||
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vpatrickd
Indonesia279 Posts
umm... I knew your stream from a friend of mine, even though I never really followed your stream, but let it be known, you have fans from the other side of the world (Indonesia). But as you said, words are just words.. I can't help you from Indonesia.. All the best of luck! Don't give up on your dreams. | ||
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GoDz
Australia364 Posts
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red_b
United States1267 Posts
What you paid back to me was worth way more than the few dollars I chipped in. I know you are a good person because you showed yourself to be one then. People are saying you put yourself there, and I'm not sure I agree. I have two fancy college degrees and a job and still get to play dota or listen to records most of the day and it's because of the generosity and support of my parents. Parents, I might add, who would have supported me if I really loved a game so much that I wanted to try my hand at doing it as a job. Sure the tolerance runs out eventually, but to me it sounds like you aren't in the same situation so how can I blame you? If you really need a month's rent so you can find anything, do a fundraiser. I will be there. Not to give money to you as charity or out of pity, but to pay you back for what you did above what you owed me the first time. | ||
flamewheel
FREEAGLELAND26781 Posts
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HolyExlxF
United States256 Posts
Loved your stream; you talked analytically about your actions, discussed possible outcomes, and expounded on common strategies. You, Barney, and sing are my all time favorite, and I was kinda bummed this past month without your stream. Best of luck man. You can pull through this; it's only a rough patch, though it may seem impossible now. | ||
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KawaiiRice
United States2914 Posts
gl alia ~_`;; | ||
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