EPT1. I think I might have a little crush on somebody.
2. This person is not my boyfriend.
3. I haven't ever met this person in real life (only had video conferences and calls)
4. I feel like I'm in love with him and my boyfriend.
Now tell me what on earth I'm supposed to do with this.
There are a few possibilities on what you might think at the moment. Maybe it's „Well that's not true, you need to think about it really long and intense because you can only have feelings for one person.“ or it is „What the hell is wrong with her?!“ „Does her boyfriend know?“ „Why don't you just meet each other?“ „How did you get to know each other at all?“ I'm going to answer some of these things. First of all: Yes, my boyfriend knows, he even knows the boy because I played league of legends together with both of them. So my crush knows what's going on as well. I put this at first before you think I'm a horrible person concerning being kind of „unfaithful“ to my boyfriend – I am not and I'm not one of these people who could be that. I leave it open for you to think about me as an horrible person in any other things but that's just up to you.
To get you some kind of more into this topic I should probably give you a little more information: Obviously I met this new person on the internet, we started to get involved for the same thing in the starcraft 2 community and playing league together soon after we got to know each other. So that's how we worked together every week and finally we called each other every day and laughed a lot. We decided that we would really like to meet each other. This went on for some time now, I didn't really think about it so much because there was finally someone to make me laugh. My boyfriend gives me a hard time laughing at the moment because both of us suffer from depression and he needs to spend nearly the whole day at university. So when we spend time together one of us is mostly in a bad mood. Plus a few things that probably go wrong in every relationship, like: he doesn't respond to some things, he thinks I'm to clingy, stuff like this [if you are interested just read my older blog entry]. All in all: If you don't see the person you love that often and if he doesn't even respond to you properly when you talk or doesn't even say hello you are happy when somebody likes to give you attention. The fact that I stay the whole day at home because I study over the internet doesn't make it easier: Nobody is around at all. When somebody is around there are parents, my brother or my boyfriend. When my boyfriend is around and you are often crying then it might explain why I'm so happy with the other person at the moment, since he seems to spend more time with me than my boyfriend and he gives me a positive feeling.
When I started to think things getting complicated with this boy I know over the internet – let's just call him Nico – I thought he might have a crush on me. I obviously liked him but I was afraid I would raise his hopes and this would destroy the friendship, because I already realized I behave totally wrong since I shouldn't call him every day and be so happy with him when I'm in a relationship. So I thought about how to NOT raise his hopes. That's when I realized I might have a little crush on him as well. So to not make things unfair I decided to tell him that. He knew I have a boyfriend, but I just wanted to make everything clear. So I called him, told him: Looks like we have got a little problem over here... [By the way I nearly died doing that. It's the most awkward situation to confess to somebody that you have a crush on him in a language that isn't even your mother tongue and being in a video conference so he can even see you.] He told me he would lie if he says: „I don't have a crush on you.“
That's when the whole mess started.
If he had told me: „Sorry, I just like you as a friend, no possibilities for a relationship ever.“ I might have been sad but then I would have gotten along with it, probably not getting more into these feelings. Well no need to talk more about what could have happened, since there is no way to change it now. I decided not to tell my boyfriend about it, because probably everyone experienced that feeling of seeing someone and liking him/her a lot but what you first thought was love just was the excitement about something new you got to know.
A little time later, my boyfriend – let's just give him a name as well... How about Sam – so Sam and I are together for one year now. On this day I thought I couldn't keep it just for me anymore. I talked to very few people before about this, and they told me: The only reason you can fall in love with somebody else (just ignore the question about if it really is love or just a little crush for the moment) is that you are unhappy with something in you relationship. That's kind of true. So I told Sam that I miss the fact that we are not really laughing together anymore and that I have the feeling that he isn't interested in me sometimes because he doesn't even ask me how I am ever... We talked about it and he told me – what I agree with – that you don't have to be happy in a relationship every second. I said that it just feels strange to laugh with other people and not with him. He decided to work on how he treats me, like starting to talk to me a bit more.
In the next week, Sam really showed that I am important to him and that he really loves me and wants to make me happy. He answered me and was a lot more attentive. The only thing that didn't make me happy is that the happiness I felt while talking to Nico didn't go away [wohoo awesome paradox] . After this week I had to talk to my boyfriend again, because I felt like it isn't just so that something makes me happy because I'm unhappy with my realtionship: something just seem to make me more happier or at least the same amount of happy... When my boyfriend calls me it feels like „the good old times“ before I got to know Nico, but everytime we are not talking I think about Nico or at least the complicated situation I'm in at the moment. So I talked to Sam again and he realized that there is something else. I told him who and clearly his reaction was not very positive.
I told him everything about my feelings then: I feel like I love both of them, but I worry about many different things: Maybe I just run from the problems my boyfriend and I have and I just want something less depressive. On some point you just can't handle any more problems and I can't spend the time that should be positive with a person who makes it more negative. I don't say it's his fault since he can't do really much about this depression thing; I'm just talking about how I feel. Another thing might be: I don't even know so many things about Nico. When we even look at the basis of everything: it shouldn't be like this that I have to decide between two people. My decision should be based on „simpler“ questions and answers:
Am I happy with my relationship?
Yes = everything is fine, go on with it.
No = end it because a relationship should give you more positive things than negative ones.
„When you are in love with two people just forget about the first one. If you really loved him you wouldn't have to think about the other one.“ Someverydeepperson
That's the moment where I had to leave again for university. I sometimes have to be there and it is really far away and I don't even have internet in the apartment where I stay at the moment. So I'm one week away now and have a bit time to think about it. Sam and I decided to give it another try so I might be able to remember my positive feelings. The fact that I suffer from depression as well makes it a little hard to trust your own feelings: When I'm in a bad mood I tend to see only the bad things. What if it is like this at the moment?
Although I told myself many times now to not decide between to people but to decide about how I feel about my relationship I cannot get the thoughts out of my head. The more I think about it the more the basic questions don't work anymore:
Am I happy with my relationship?
Yes, because negative things just happen and I know I still have feelings for him so this relationship is not based on a lie at all.
But what if something else makes me happy as well?
My vision of my family is to have a partner. One partner. What if I like both of them?
This damn quote above doesn't work this time.
I call my boyfriend in the evenings after university every day now, and I'm not lying when I tell him that I love him. You know, I still have all the positive feeling while kissing him and so on, but as soon as we hang up the phone I just don't feel that connected with him anymore. Every second my mind changes about how happy I am. When I think I might be able to break up I feel bad instantly because I don't want to lose Sam. On the other hand: when I think about staying in this relationship I feel bad about letting this „chance“ with Nico go away. I'm not lying either when I tell him that I miss him when we are not talking for a day. And I want to get to know him further.
I planned to fly over to where Nico lives in february but that's still so long to go for + I feel bad letting both of them hanging in the air about how I decide, if I decide at all and I know I have to because it's not fair how I act at the moment. I even talked with Nico about how he sees the chances for a relationship with me. We know that it would be a long distance relationship and that it would be hard but he said he would give it a try if I would.
I'm lying in my bed in that city I study right now. When I think about how my boyfriend probably feels at the moment it hurts because it must be horrible and I hate being the reason to make people feel horrible. But that second I think about Nico I just have to smile.
I just hate making decisions and I normally end up making them because I don't want people to be sad. It's just the definition of decisions that you do something and miss something else for it (at least for the moment). I have no idea what I would prefer to lose. It shouldn't be the thing that makes me happy but how do I know what makes me happy?
This relationship I already have for one year now was wonderful nearly all the time and when I try to find out more about the feelings I have at the moment I can conclude them as followed – and I'm trying to be as honest as possible even if it's childish:
- This new „love?“ just seems so exciting
- The „old“ love is relieable
- I do like both of them and at the moment there would be a basis for a relationship on both sides
- I feel like the start of a relationship is just the greatest thing at all: You are nervous and happy and so on. This leads to an interesting question I just have to ask myself: Will I ever be able to have a really long lasting relationship when I feel like it's getting „boring“ after a year? Would it have been boring if I hadn't met Nico?
I know I will make a decision but at the moment I'm trying to think of aspects I might not have thought about before. So if anybody of you awesome readers has an idea just go for it and leave a comment. I will write another blog entry when I know how I'm going to deal with that situation but I need more food for thoughts first.
edit: *Paradox
