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EDIT:
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?topic_id=382066 This linked blog is much better. Please don't read my one here ^_^
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The last few months of my life feel like such a mess that I'm having trouble recalling how to start this blog. All I know is that after the end of one of those short relationships, I started trying harder than I had ever done before with my mindset to change something inside myself... Thinking positively, concentrating on confidence, telling myself over and over about how it's the only thing that matters. I was an adult now and if I treated the world like I loved it, that's how I'd be treated back.
Only a couple of weeks ago, I started seeing this girl in person again. I went back to her house and the inevitability of us going out with my new confidence was realized. I'm still telling myself that I'll never tell anyone I care for about the shit I think about when life gets me down anymore. Then something bad happened.
About a week ago she told me she loved me. I had no choice but to love her back. Or at least convince myself down to my subconcious that I did. I was opened up to her. Now in the evenings we're not spending together, I can no longer distract myself with the ambitions and dreams of finding someone. Instead, I just miss them... and there's only so many times I can say that.
I crave too much to care for someone and share in that beauty. The simple fact is, I don't care about other stuff. Everything else depresses me, fails to hold my interest. I feel like if I play a game or watch the movie, at the end I'll be 2 hours closer to death and have done nothing at all I care about. However, the situation is made worse by the stupid, selfish worry that we won't fuck on thursday like they said we would and she'll leave me, I'll end up still a virgin and my confidence will be too damaged to bounce back. and I'll be ripped apart again because someone I cared about, and trusted enough to convince myself was special, turned out to be just as.... boring as the rest of life. I thought I was happy... now we're going out so why am I still crying.
It seems like as soon as I have something to lose, I turn back into a nervous wreck again. But I can't seperate themselves from me mentally, get my space, at least in the days when she wants hers.
I feel too guilty. Because what if she really DOES love me, and im making myself not love them out of worry? It's a paradox of fucking anxiety and fucking anxiety rooted depression.
But I want a girlfriend. And after all, she loves me.
... right?
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well, by now I've concluded that as I originally knew was most likely, she doesn't love me really. So I know now I want to think about her and care about her less, and think more about the things I can do in life to enrich it in the future, but I'm struggling to do so without feeling guilty because of what we've told each other, but I can't say any of this because it could push her away if she meant what she's actually said. Which I need to assume. I have to trust people.
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Every time I message her, I can feel them getting further and further away, until the moment they leave and take my confidence, and more permanently, my hope in love or trust in the future away. Yet, I still can't prevent my hand from texting.
Oh, until they reply and say something totally normal and I know I should just accept the relatively recent last lovey message they gave me, the only problem is after I tell myself that, the equivalent contents of this entire post goes around in my head and at the end I'm in the same place I started, only its been slightly longer since that message.
Tl;Dr: How do I think about something other than when im next going to see my gf (not doing so causes missing them to go around in my head until I turn it into stupid confused worries which they pick up on), when I dont care about anything else really in life other than girlfriends.
 
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You're in love with the idea of being in love, you're not really in love with her.
If you really loved her you would give her some space, and be happy as long as she was happy.
You're being needy and desperate. Girls don't dig that.
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On November 15 2012 03:44 123Viril69 wrote:
You're in love with the idea of being in love, you're not really in love with her.
If you really loved her you would give her some space, and be happy as long as she was happy.
You're being needy and desperate. Girls don't dig that.
lol I don't have any problems with girls. Not with getting them. Just mental problems in my lonely evenings.
"Always just hunting for that near-life experience, living in fear of missing something vital from your own existence. All your emotions subconsciously thought out and scripted... it's less about how you're feeling, more about how you fucking depict it."
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On November 15 2012 03:44 123Viril69 wrote:
You're being needy and desperate. Girls don't dig that.
Yep.
Whether you have a girlfriend or not, your life and attitude shouldn't change that drastically. If it does, than isolate why you changed (its probably not her), and whether you like that change or not. A little introspection will go a long way.
Also, you aren't in love, you are infatuated. There's a difference.
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On November 15 2012 03:49 RoyGBiv_13 wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2012 03:44 123Viril69 wrote:
You're being needy and desperate. Girls don't dig that. Yep. Whether you have a girlfriend or not, your life and attitude shouldn't change that drastically. If it does, than isolate why you changed (its probably not her), and whether you like that change or not. A little introspection will go a long way. Also, you aren't in love, you are infatuated. There's a difference.
I think I made it quite clear in my post that I know I'm not in love, and don't pretend like being in love is something higher than something I've experienced, because it's nothing when compared with the love of a caring mother and dedicated wife and essentially boils down to infatuation itself.
I've made it clear that the issue is my relentless introspection until my desperate attempts to make sense of my confusion are repulsive to others.
This is a post on TL to get my thoughts out. If you think this shows to girls, you're deluded in that case.
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Who the fuck is "they"???
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On November 15 2012 04:11 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote:
Who the fuck is "they"???
Not sure what you're referring to, but it's probably the girl that this (what was meant to be a girl blog) was originally about.
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It's only once you have something to lose that you can fear losing it, eh?
On November 15 2012 03:45 Scholera wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2012 03:44 123Viril69 wrote:
You're in love with the idea of being in love, you're not really in love with her.
If you really loved her you would give her some space, and be happy as long as she was happy.
You're being needy and desperate. Girls don't dig that. lol I don't have any problems with girls. Not with getting them. Just mental problems in my lonely evenings. "Always just hunting for that near-life experience, living in fear of missing something vital from your own existence. All your emotions subconsciously thought out and scripted... it's less about how you're feeling, more about how you fucking depict it."
That possessiveness, and the way he describes his mindset in general, is called "limerence". You'll need to work on that fear, but apart from that, this is normal. And you might truly be in love with her.
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People are more or less giving you advice and you keep shooting them down. If you aren't absorbing anything from other people your situation probably won't change much.
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On November 15 2012 04:29 Demonhunter04 wrote:It's only once you have something to lose that you can fear losing it, eh? Show nested quote +On November 15 2012 03:45 Scholera wrote:On November 15 2012 03:44 123Viril69 wrote:
You're in love with the idea of being in love, you're not really in love with her.
If you really loved her you would give her some space, and be happy as long as she was happy.
You're being needy and desperate. Girls don't dig that. lol I don't have any problems with girls. Not with getting them. Just mental problems in my lonely evenings. "Always just hunting for that near-life experience, living in fear of missing something vital from your own existence. All your emotions subconsciously thought out and scripted... it's less about how you're feeling, more about how you fucking depict it." That possessiveness, and the way he describes his mindset in general, is called "limerence". You'll need to work on that fear, but apart from that, this is normal. And you might truly be in love with her.
Thanks a lot for the post and making it relevant 
@above:, it's because it's not genuine advice it's just posts made without consideration that treat me like a total idiot.
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"selfish worry that we won't fuck on thursday like they said we would and she'll leave me, I'll end up still a virgin and my confidence will be too"
It sounds like you don't care about her enough to make the sacrifices for her. The sacrifice that you wish you were making for someone you actually like. It kind of sounds like your self-love is misplaced...? You need to feel like you deserve what is best for you if you are going to try for what is best for you. It sounds like you want to mean something to yourself or to someone else. How can you achieve this?
well, by now I've concluded that as I originally knew was most likely, she doesn't love me really. So I know now I want to think about her and care about her less, and think more about the things I can do in life to enrich it in the future, but I'm struggling to do so without feeling guilty because of what we've told each other, but I can't say any of this because it could push her away if she meant what she's actually said. Which I need to assume. I have to trust people."
When you love well enough this kind of thing does not matter. You ever get the star in mario brothers?? the music plays and you have to jump off the edge to die. My theory is that when you love someone enough thats what it's like. You don't care if it goes wrong because it is the reward by itself.
"how do i find the power not to text her." You need to acknowledge that you have a will. You can use it to choose what is best for you. Some people require deep reasons to motivate them to use their will. You want happiness, specifically with a woman. Apparently this person is not one you can love in a way that you'd like to love. Make it official that it is over. Or make it official that you just want to hangout and not talk about things like love.
i'm no sex expert. I'm more of an emotions guy but here goes. Some people say you really ought to do it with people to practice. Others say you need to make it someone very special. My own opinion is that it is somewhere in the middle of this. You don't want to overlook everything about a person except that you can have sex with her. That would mean you do not care about her, and for me... One of my new concerns about intercourse is...I want to be responsible.. in some way? so i don't feel cheap? Ah i can't explain it. What you are doing, might mean something... and waht it means you cannot really know until you've tried it. That said its not the end of the world if its not something perfect (imho)
I can really relate to you. I'm pretty much in the same boat, so yes i am preaching what i have not put to practice just yet.. However, It sounds like you are looking for a distraction from some of the things you actually need to start to do to get yourself where you'd rather be in life. You need to be able to see what you want for yourself to say "no, i can't waste this time with you, I need to find the right person"
If you really do share something special with someone, like love, it is my opinion that the love would enable you to fix the mistakes and change it. So if you're hoping it is the great love you are waiting for and you may just be messing it up, I am saying that i'm guessing its not. Like I said about the supermario star, from my experience when theres someone who you feel like you really want to spend time with, then you just know.. that you have to try your best to make it work. Since you're unsure, why not just slow things down.
if she says she loves you and you can see proof she does not love you, there's nothign wrong with telling her that. example she says "i love you" and then a day later something goes wrong and she turns on you in a second, what use is her "love" then? that is no loyalty.
Good luck, I'm right here with you trying to figure this one out. Writing this was a nice exercise, thanks.
EDIT: i just want to edit in... that my whole situation of love is really pretty fucked up.. so my advice is likely flawed in some way. Even if my reasoning may appear convincing, i can't claim to really have answers.
EDIT #2 I realized this post came off as me thinking "there is one true perfect love that will always win no matter what you do". I want to acknowledge that someone can love someone and do nothing about it because they do not want to admit it for some reason... maybe you are one of them?? i know i might be.. If you get the chance, check out the movie never let me go. some interesting takes on these themes.
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On November 15 2012 04:53 Scholera wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2012 04:29 Demonhunter04 wrote:It's only once you have something to lose that you can fear losing it, eh? On November 15 2012 03:45 Scholera wrote:On November 15 2012 03:44 123Viril69 wrote:
You're in love with the idea of being in love, you're not really in love with her.
If you really loved her you would give her some space, and be happy as long as she was happy.
You're being needy and desperate. Girls don't dig that. lol I don't have any problems with girls. Not with getting them. Just mental problems in my lonely evenings. "Always just hunting for that near-life experience, living in fear of missing something vital from your own existence. All your emotions subconsciously thought out and scripted... it's less about how you're feeling, more about how you fucking depict it." That possessiveness, and the way he describes his mindset in general, is called "limerence". You'll need to work on that fear, but apart from that, this is normal. And you might truly be in love with her. Thanks a lot for the post and making it relevant @above:, it's because it's not genuine advice it's just posts made without consideration that treat me like a total idiot.
I was going to post some of that kind of advice but then I saw your post.
Mostly, it is your fault in some way though. If you're not willing to change and stick to your ways without considering the advice, then your girl blog starts falling into the "neurotic" pile. Maybe our posts are too short. I read through everything but in the end anything written here is all that comes to mind.
If mental problems, have you tried counseling/medication of some sort? It does work.
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I'm sorry guys, and thanks a lot for the replies, I truly really do appreciate them, I just won't be replying to them specifically because, even though it helped me to write this all out and then go through my thinking session until I remembered what mattered, I still feel this is an awful thread and I feel bad for bumping it up just with this post.
There's a really good blog right now about a guy who just came out of a 5 year relationship so I don't want anyone to waste their time reading this, now it's served it's main purpose for me, myself. I'm glad you enjoyed contributing on some level, meteorskunk, I liked your reply.
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On November 15 2012 05:52 Scholera wrote:
I'm sorry guys, and thanks a lot for the replies, I truly really do appreciate them, I just won't be replying to them specifically because, even though it helped me to write this all out and then go through my thinking session until I remembered what mattered, I still feel this is an awful thread and I feel bad for bumping it up just with this post.
There's a really good blog right now about a guy who just came out of a 5 year relationship so I don't want anyone to waste their time reading this, now it's served it's main purpose for me, myself. I'm glad you enjoyed contributing on some level, meteorskunk, I liked your reply.
hmmm thanks for the confidence boost. I'm a big girl blog fan and this one is good too, like aiurz's. It really expresses a certain kind of anxiety and hopelessness that i've felt.
I hope you can find what you need. "people of zee whirl, calm down" "lighten up" "life is hard if you think it is." Relax a bit.
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EPT
