[Girl Blog] How do I make it so complicated?

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The last few months of my life feel like such a mess that I'm having trouble recalling how to start this blog. All I know is that after the end of one of those short relationships, I started trying harder than I had ever done before with my mindset to change something inside myself... Thinking positively, concentrating on confidence, telling myself over and over about how it's the only thing that matters. I was an adult now and if I treated the world like I loved it, that's how I'd be treated back.

Only a couple of weeks ago, I started seeing this girl in person again. I went back to her house and the inevitability of us going out with my new confidence was realized. I'm still telling myself that I'll never tell anyone I care for about the shit I think about when life gets me down anymore. Then something bad happened.

About a week ago she told me she loved me. I had no choice but to love her back. Or at least convince myself down to my subconcious that I did. I was opened up to her. Now in the evenings we're not spending together, I can no longer distract myself with the ambitions and dreams of finding someone. Instead, I just miss them... and there's only so many times I can say that.

I crave too much to care for someone and share in that beauty. The simple fact is, I don't care about other stuff. Everything else depresses me, fails to hold my interest. I feel like if I play a game or watch the movie, at the end I'll be 2 hours closer to death and have done nothing at all I care about. However, the situation is made worse by the stupid, selfish worry that we won't fuck on thursday like they said we would and she'll leave me, I'll end up still a virgin and my confidence will be too damaged to bounce back. and I'll be ripped apart again because someone I cared about, and trusted enough to convince myself was special, turned out to be just as.... boring as the rest of life. I thought I was happy... now we're going out so why am I still crying.

It seems like as soon as I have something to lose, I turn back into a nervous wreck again. But I can't seperate themselves from me mentally, get my space, at least in the days when she wants hers.

I feel too guilty. Because what if she really DOES love me, and im making myself not love them out of worry? It's a paradox of fucking anxiety and fucking anxiety rooted depression.

But I want a girlfriend. And after all, she loves me.

... right?
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well, by now I've concluded that as I originally knew was most likely, she doesn't love me really. So I know now I want to think about her and care about her less, and think more about the things I can do in life to enrich it in the future, but I'm struggling to do so without feeling guilty because of what we've told each other, but I can't say any of this because it could push her away if she meant what she's actually said. Which I need to assume. I have to trust people.

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Every time I message her, I can feel them getting further and further away, until the moment they leave and take my confidence, and more permanently, my hope in love or trust in the future away. Yet, I still can't prevent my hand from texting.

Oh, until they reply and say something totally normal and I know I should just accept the relatively recent last lovey message they gave me, the only problem is after I tell myself that, the equivalent contents of this entire post goes around in my head and at the end I'm in the same place I started, only its been slightly longer since that message.


Tl;Dr: How do I think about something other than when im next going to see my gf (not doing so causes missing them to go around in my head until I turn it into stupid confused worries which they pick up on), when I dont care about anything else really in life other than girlfriends.