EPTI just finished school and now after many weeks freetime I still have a few days until I will start studying. That's the basic situation I find myself in right now.
Well, the story I do not want to tell you right now is: How I felt during my whole school time, how I came to terms with my family and managed my own problems from relationships over depression and so on.
That's nothing I want to tell you today but if you are interested in my story and I will write it down another time – I just want you to know that it is probably very similar to other stories here on teamliquid so it's probably nothing new for you.
I think the point is that it was hard enough for me, but that I can say I have more and more moments when I think it's good that I had (and still have) to go through hard times in life because I learned a lot and I'm strong enough to say this even though I haven't seen so much of this world yet.
But now I want to come to the (hopefully) interesting part of this post. I have never wrote a blog or anything special on the internet, so please don't judge me if it's not so well structured or written. In addition English is not my native language but I try my best so all of you can understand what I want to share with you:
Like you just have read I suffer from depression. It's never been so bad that I had to be in psychiatry, but it still gives me hard times. To finally come to the point:
My problem at the moment is my freetime.
I had about 3 months freetime since I finished school. Everyone knew it would be difficult to stay in touch when we wouldn't see each other everyday, and as I am not a good person at keeping contact I knew I would lose many friends. There were like 2 or 3 very close friends with whom I wanted to stay in touch. Since I have my lovely boyfriend – for ~ 10 months now – I started doing less with my friends, which is quite normal I think. By now I almost lost every contact to my past school friends. I know this is what happens when you have different interests and everything, but I would really love too meet them sometimes. That's kind of a paradox, because the problem is not that they don't invite me to birthday parties or similar events, but for some reason I don't have the motivation to go there, I'm even a little afraid to meet them. I cannot tell you exactly why I feel like this, but I think it's because everyone of us changed a lot.
I started to make friends with my boyfriend's friends. So far everything went fine, but our relationship is sometimes a little complicated. He has some symptoms of depression, too which makes dealing with problems a little hard. And many girls will now probably nod their heads: I sometimes feel like he does not listen to me, it's always me who asks if we might call each other to say goodnight, …. Some sort of cliché. That would not be the problem, because I love him the way he is. The point is, that we keep doing everything together. Since I know him I play a lot more on my pc and that's how I got to know all his friends. (Don't worry, we do a lot together in „real life“, too.) So my boyfriend just told me I'm very clingy at the moment. When we are not together we stay together in teamspeak and play and always „see“ each other on the internet. He told me it's a bit too much contact for him. That's where I realize that I'm very alone at the moment.
I don't have any friends except the ones he has, too. I have no one to talk to except my boyfriend, and when I have freetime – which I had too much in the last months – I have nothing to do or I'm not fine with doing anything I normally like to do. I have so many things in mind which I could do, but I just don't do them any more, and when I don't do anything my depression starts to take over. Now I'm sitting in my room and want to talk to anybody about how I keep isolating myself from everybody but my boyfriend, that I'm too clingy, how I'm afraid to talk to my „friends“ and so on BUT … I just realized I have no one to talk to. And it's not because no one would invite me, it's because I'm afraid and rather spend time on my own. (When I try to see the point behind my decisions I think I don't meet anybody because I'm afraid of misjudging situations: When a conflict appears I can't even believe my own because I don't even know if someone criticises me for a good reason or not. I can't argue with anybody because I'm always afraid that I'm wrong and I feel bad when I blame others)
Today, a friend of mine wanted to come over, but I just called him because I'm not feeling so well. You can guess why I'm not feeling well: right, it's because I believe in my unsociability and I keep on brooding over my problems - so it's like a little perfect circle.
I arrived at an important point in life right now. I have to take more responsibility for everything I do and it's me who needs to be active to keep up friendships. I need to manage my life and learn to be independent without losing people.
But I bet for every good advice, I will find a lame excuse not to do it. I want to talk to my therapist, but I was sick, so I could not go there. Now I get around to do the call to make a new appointment.
[Because I just wrote the last sentence I realized that I should call her and did it a few seconds ago, thank you all for making me write this <3]
That's basically what's on my mind today. I don't really have a positive conclusion for now, but as soon as I have any new results concerning such life situations I will share them with you.
Thank you very much for reading my whole text, I hope it was a little bit interesting. I just wanted to share and talk to people and I think you now know why.
