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It happened. I went to the house of a friend of my friend and my girlfriends. The fact I was doing something wrong went right over my stupid fucking Autistic head. They were mad at us afterwards, and because of what they said about my girlfriend, my switch flipped and now I have nobody again.
Just my mum. I'm only ever going to have her. I try so so hard to battle the anxiety. I force a smile onto my face and try to make friends and try to be a positively influencing person. Whenever things start to go better, they crash back down again. I fucked up again. I lost her.
Oh, how it feels to feel the absolute bottom again. The worst bit is, I can't disagree with her. If I can't stand myself why should anyone else like me.
I've fucked up everything in my life I've tried to make work. I don't even have words anymore.
I don't think I need them.
It's all fucked up... it's all fucked up again. im so broken, i dont think I'll even have her as a friend anymore.
and I need to keep missing her and liking her because if I didnt, id feel even more alone, without someone to care about. My thoughts and my feelings of myself will never change, all I want is to see someone beautiful feel as beautiful as they should do, before im taken away. So I can observe and experience it.
oh my fucking god, its not even worth trying to escape this pain, I fucking live here. I live inside this anxiety, inside this depression. I just want to live to see something beautiful happen before im gone. im too anxious to end it right now.
~ The original forever alone.
  
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No, fuck it, I've felt like this and cried like this every fucking day of my life since I became a teenager.
I'm going to conquer the anxiety it takes to end it now, I promise myself that.
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go read tuckermax.com and stop being a pathetic excuse for a living creature, if you are self pitying and needy as fuck, you will scare away everyone, don't make people your everything, for one they will sometimes let you down and hurt you, and two, your life should be your first priority.
for fuck sake you can't ever really put someone else ahead of you until you have kids, at which point there happiness and success is much more important than yours.
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I am a pathetic excuse for a living creature. But I'm not needy as fuck. I keep that stuff to myself and to my blog. To other people, I just try to treat them right and be as confident as I can.
and, having kids isnt an option, but if it'd bring something I cared about into my life I'd do it
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On September 23 2012 21:29 EnE wrote:
No, fuck it, I've felt like this and cried like this every fucking day of my life since I became a teenager.
I'm going to conquer the anxiety it takes to end it now, I promise myself that.
This is a much fucking better place to be than where you are at in that blog.
You have yourself. That's all you really need. Get to a place where you like yourself better, and fuck everyone else. In addition, without sounding like a PSA, it gets better. Seriously. It's too early to throw it away, because while there will always be things that suck, things get better and there is always more good to find in the future.
(The blog reminds me a lot of where I was in school. Even where I am now, things aren't good, but I would have missed a fuck load of wonderful things along the way if I hadn't kept on keeping on.)
On September 23 2012 22:07 matthewfoulkes wrote:
go read tuckermax.com and stop being a pathetic excuse for a living creature, if you are self pitying and needy as fuck, you will scare away everyone, don't make people your everything, for one they will sometimes let you down and hurt you, and two, your life should be your first priority.
for fuck sake you can't ever really put someone else ahead of you until you have kids, at which point there happiness and success is much more important than yours.
That's great empathy man. Why not just give the shorter version of the most unhelpful reaction ever? ("Cheer up.")
Also, fuck my kids. I'll do what I can, but they can work as hard as they want to for success and happiness. I did, and no my parents weren't monsters.
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I was talking about suicide though, I've already tried to change my life.
Ugh, I just dont know, but really it feels like everything happens this way. I've never suceeded at any of my schools, with any of my friends and I cant pull a single thing I care about into my mind.
Your comment made me feel a little better, felisconcolori
I can't just be a fake person though
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So you're actually autistic or what?
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On September 23 2012 23:00 Saechiis wrote:
So you're actually autistic or what?
I have an autistic spectrum diagnosis.
I deal with intense anxiety and awkwardness, I misunderstand or miss things that are implied, which caused this problem today and I have an emotional switch that gets flipped quite hard.
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Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Friends may or may not come, but don't worry about it. Set goals for yourself and focus on them.
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On September 23 2012 22:07 matthewfoulkes wrote:
go read tuckermax.com and stop being a pathetic excuse for a living creature, if you are self pitying and needy as fuck, you will scare away everyone, don't make people your everything, for one they will sometimes let you down and hurt you, and two, your life should be your first priority.
for fuck sake you can't ever really put someone else ahead of you until you have kids, at which point there happiness and success is much more important than yours.
youre a dick and your advice blows.
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This guy and his bullshit -_-
Edit: For clarification, whenever i see him its always something different and something worse, hey, this time he's autistic and suicidal, next time, superman will kick him in the nuts every 30 minutes.
And he really doesnt have many problems at all, even giving him all his bullshit.
I call it, and i apologise IF im wrong, i have an autistic nephew, so i am not picking on the afflicted.
Strange, after all this time of people throwing bullshit at me in my blogs, i think i understand now.
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re: EnE
life's tough, tougher when it seems you have a tough time staying under control. Sounds like you're doing a good job of owning it though, more than a lot of people can say for some shit they do.
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On September 24 2012 02:06 Capped wrote:
This guy and his bullshit -_-
Edit: For clarification, whenever i see him its always something different and something worse, hey, this time he's autistic and suicidal, next time, superman will kick him in the nuts every 30 minutes.
And he really doesnt have many problems at all, even giving him all his bullshit.
I call it, and i apologise IF im wrong, i have an autistic nephew, so i am not picking on the afflicted.
I have a black friend, so it's not racist.
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On September 24 2012 02:11 Gene wrote:Show nested quote +On September 24 2012 02:06 Capped wrote:
This guy and his bullshit -_-
Edit: For clarification, whenever i see him its always something different and something worse, hey, this time he's autistic and suicidal, next time, superman will kick him in the nuts every 30 minutes.
And he really doesnt have many problems at all, even giving him all his bullshit.
I call it, and i apologise IF im wrong, i have an autistic nephew, so i am not picking on the afflicted.
I have a black friend, so it's not racist.
If you truely think im getting at him for being autistic, then fine, but im calling him on his bullshit and lies, not saying "Lul br0 you a retard" (which, EnE, your not regardless of truths.) he could be a billionaire or have no damn ears for all i care and still be bullshiting.
The thing is, im not usually one to say a small problem is stupid to worry about, one persons calamity is anothers triviality, i just really get the feeling like its all bogus with this guy. Hell, you could have broken a toenail and as long as i felt your sincere in your pain and anguish, i'd help ^_^
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On September 24 2012 02:09 Gene wrote:
re: EnE
life's tough, tougher when it seems you have a tough time staying under control. Sounds like you're doing a good job of owning it though, more than a lot of people can say for some shit they do.
Thanks man... really. I'm trying to keep it all going.
I lost a control and now her dad hates me and forbids her from being with me and Ninn who said the disgustng things about me on facebook, has called the police on me.
And she says she really cared about me, yet she goes along with them and forgets about me forever. There was so much affection in every word I said to her and touch I gave her. I was with her for a very short time, but the betrayal and the hatred for me is what makes it so hard. To know that only my mum really cares about me no matter what feelings I give to others.
P.S: I know capped, he's a troll I didn't even read his posts.
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Wait, what?!
Interesting and weird read...
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I'd hardly call it trolling, but i am being an asshole if your telling the truth.
Good luck anyhow.
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Ive read your blogs and never have you said anything positive about anything. Maybe she broke up with you because she couldn't stand being around someone soo damn depressed all the time. That really brings a person down, and definitely would affect how she views you. You're still a kid, and yet you act like the entire world has wronged you over and over. Just go out and find something fun to do instead of constantly sitting there in your own sorrows writing blogs hoping people will always feel sorry for you. If you have depression, and need to talk to people, go see a specialist. Sitting there constantly saddened by every single thing around you is beyond unhealthy. You are wasting away some of the best years of your life.
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You are fucking doing it wrong. If you gf leaves you because your friends are assholes, then she is in it for the wrong reasons, and they aren't your real friends. They don't have to like her but they do have to be nice since she is your boo. Being a teenager sucks dude. I know, my friends are openly mean to my gf, but when they do that I just stop it there, I prevent them from saying anything else. My gf hasn't left me for that. You should learn from this and change it around. Change part of your life slowly. Gain things by having hobbies, doing well in school, and setting yourself up for success. Go and work out, play a sport, play it well, take up an art, fill your life, you will make new friends and a new gf.
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EPT
