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My dad used to tell me that I would understand the way he acted once I grew up and had a child of my own. I beat him by a couple of years to that ticket. Shortly before I finished my first year at college, I found I could understand my old man.
Still, I wish he’d made it easier. I can understand why he made it hard, though; why, he never told me his stories instead of trying to impart hyper-condensed words of wisdom into my brain. Why he’d left China, for instance. I knew the whole part about being wrapped up in Tiananmen was mostly fiction, an attempt to give a noble gloss to something far more mundane, far more petty. I should have known he'd knocked up a girl and been divorced before I was born, but that didn't bother me that much.
After all, avoiding a romantic failure was as simple as a $7.99 pack of ultra-thins from the local Walgreen’s. It might bother a woman, but it wouldn’t eat at a man. I wanted to know about his professional failure. How a young, respected graduate from one of Beijing's top art schools, whose own father was one of the big shots in China's culture-media-propaganda apparatus, power originating from Mr. Hu Yaobang himself, could find himself shunted from hotshot into administrative sideshow in the short span of six years.
In short, I wanted to know the story of his professional failure. I would say that, though I didn’t grasp it at the time, deep down inside, that lack, that missing link, was at the root cause of all my lack of respect for him growing up. I always felt he was holding something back—as if he was afraid of something, afraid of me, afraid I would respect him less—and while I couldn’t quite pin down why he was scared, I didn’t like the subconscious awareness that he was.
He came to visit me that weekend. My mom and him had fought again, and he flew up for "to check on me", although I knew that it was bullshit. I was pretty busy but I didn't want to be unfilial, 不孝, that cardinal sin amongst Chinese sons, as my parents constantly reminded me when they weren't lecturing each other.
So that weekend I decided to plan on something quick. It ended up taking us six hours.
We started off having a dinner. We hadn't spoken in months; I hadn't seen him since I left for college, and he'd gotten older, thinner. When I was still a little kid, my mom used to say that his face was "dark, mysterious and handsome". Now it looked haunted, chased by a five o'clock shadow, hunted all the way to some cheap Thai restaurant in Chicago.
He asked me how my grades were. Good, I said. I had no reason to lie, I was doing pretty well, just not in the hard sciences he wanted me to study, since I wasn't taking those classes. He didn't ask about my intended major, skipped straight to asking about how I found "finding friends", my parents' code phrase for settling down with a nice Chinese girl in a good school district. I took this as a sign he didn't want to argue, and told him that I'd met a nice Chinese girl, but we weren't thinking about anything beyond fucking like rabbits going on G-rated dates yet. He nodded, thoughtfully. My granddad was an author and censor, and I think somewhere in the back of my dad's head then he was reflecting on how much the men in our family liked spinning stories for each other and the rest of the world.
The rest of the dinner was slow, but ended quickly. I tried to pay, but my dad, sly as always, had already slipped the waitress thirty bucks while I washed my hands before eating. She brought out the change, minus the tip. We walked out into a cool May night. The corner store was close by; so far, so good for my plan. I walked in and bought a pack of Pall Malls.
He asked me when I'd picked up smoking. I hadn't, but it would have been awkward for me to say that my plan for spending time with my dad involved smoking cigarettes by the lake, so I told him the semester before. He nodded, drew one out of the pack, looked at it for a second, and said something which my mom had proudly told me when I was ten:
"Haven't smoked one of these since you were born."
I nodded. Then I began walking to the lake. Once we got there, I still don't know how we got to talking about it, but he came clean. He began telling me how his classmates had made it, and how he hadn't.
We sat there for six hours talking. He told me everything. How he'd started off with promise, and how he'd thrown it away pissing off his boss, his co-workers, his students, and even his own erstwhile friends. How at one point he'd climbed up to the roof of the Beijing Hotel, high above Chang'an Avenue and thought about killing himself. He climbed down, he said, because he was wearing his only good suit at the time, and he didn't want his parents, my grandparents, to have to buy another suit for the funeral.
I asked him how he met my mom. He smiled and said that she found him, that she always liked him from when they'd met in middle school, and that she took him in when he had nothing, so he knew he could trust her when he had everything. And even though the life they ended up finding in America was nothing close to the gold-paved American dream they'd heard about, it still made both of them happy.
I told him that I was sorry for being such a brat growing up, and that I was sorry, but I wouldn't major in the hard sciences. (He always said that I was suited to lab work, like my mom was. Go figure.)
He put out the cigarette, and asked if he could have the pack. Why, I asked. Wasn't he done smoking?
He said that he only gave up smoking because he felt like it was the right thing to do to take care of me. Then he smiled and said, "But your mom probably already told you that." He said he could start lighting up again, since I obviously could take care of myself now.
I looked over. He was grinning. It was the first time I'd seen him smile like that. I grinned back. The same was probably true for him.
  
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I don't understand the part about being sorry for not majoring in the hard sciences. Did you apologize because you didn't do what he wanted you to do or were you apologizing for having your own interests?
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On September 06 2012 20:04 Azera wrote:
I don't understand the part about being sorry for not majoring in the hard sciences. Did you apologize because you didn't do what he wanted you to do or were you apologizing for having your own interests?
The former
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As a fellow Asian do you feel compelled to apologize to your parents when you refuse to do something they want you to because of conflict on interest?
I think if I were to apologize for causing them disappointment, it would be in a snarky manner because I don't believe that I am their tool to live how they didn't get to. If it's the matter of them "knowing what's the best for me" like majoring in Engineering because I'll earn more money than majoring in something that I enjoy, like English or Pol Sci, I'm just going to say that it's what makes me happy. If they don't want me to do what makes me happy, then they have problems.
What do I know, right? Maybe my beliefs are fueled by the innate rebellious nature of teenagers.
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Ahhh... that explains it. You are a Beijinger.
Beijing had always produce good story tellers. The folks there are also very philosophical about things (relatively).
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God damn you should be featured. As a smoker myself, I'm pretty scared shitless about my father learning that fact. You being a non-smoker, buy a pack in front of your dad and smoke with him (it would be awkward if you bought the pack and didn't smoke any).
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On September 06 2012 20:15 Azera wrote:
As a fellow Asian do you feel compelled to apologize to your parents when you refuse to do something they want you to because of conflict on interest?
I think if I were to apologize for causing them disappointment, it would be in a snarky manner because I don't believe that I am their tool to live how they didn't get to. If it's the matter of them "knowing what's the best for me" like majoring in Engineering because I'll earn more money than majoring in something that I enjoy, like English or Pol Sci, I'm just going to say that it's what makes me happy. If they don't want me to do what makes me happy, then they have problems.
What do I know, right? Maybe my beliefs are fueled by the innate rebellious nature of teenagers.
No, not really. I just felt like I should have apologized there because my dad essentially gave up his art career to make enough cash for my college tuition, and I was going against his expressed wishes.
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On September 06 2012 20:46 haduken wrote:
Ahhh... that explains it. You are a Beijinger.
Beijing had always produce good story tellers. The folks there are also very philosophical about things (relatively).
Heh. Where are you from?
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On September 06 2012 21:38 Djagulingu wrote:
God damn you should be featured. As a smoker myself, I'm pretty scared shitless about my father learning that fact. You being a non-smoker, buy a pack in front of your dad and smoke with him (it would be awkward if you bought the pack and didn't smoke any).
Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I knew my dad was okay about smoking since both my grandfathers smoked around me, and my mom was the only one who complained about it, while my dad was okay with it (and even bought them duty-free cigarettes every time we went back to China.)
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On September 06 2012 21:55 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On September 06 2012 20:15 Azera wrote:
As a fellow Asian do you feel compelled to apologize to your parents when you refuse to do something they want you to because of conflict on interest?
I think if I were to apologize for causing them disappointment, it would be in a snarky manner because I don't believe that I am their tool to live how they didn't get to. If it's the matter of them "knowing what's the best for me" like majoring in Engineering because I'll earn more money than majoring in something that I enjoy, like English or Pol Sci, I'm just going to say that it's what makes me happy. If they don't want me to do what makes me happy, then they have problems.
What do I know, right? Maybe my beliefs are fueled by the innate rebellious nature of teenagers. No, not really. I just felt like I should have apologized there because my dad essentially gave up his art career to make enough cash for my college tuition, and I was going against his expressed wishes.
So you think that he feels as if he's wasted his money because you pursue to your own interests?
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On September 06 2012 22:16 Azera wrote:Show nested quote +On September 06 2012 21:55 Shady Sands wrote:On September 06 2012 20:15 Azera wrote:
As a fellow Asian do you feel compelled to apologize to your parents when you refuse to do something they want you to because of conflict on interest?
I think if I were to apologize for causing them disappointment, it would be in a snarky manner because I don't believe that I am their tool to live how they didn't get to. If it's the matter of them "knowing what's the best for me" like majoring in Engineering because I'll earn more money than majoring in something that I enjoy, like English or Pol Sci, I'm just going to say that it's what makes me happy. If they don't want me to do what makes me happy, then they have problems.
What do I know, right? Maybe my beliefs are fueled by the innate rebellious nature of teenagers. No, not really. I just felt like I should have apologized there because my dad essentially gave up his art career to make enough cash for my college tuition, and I was going against his expressed wishes. So you think that he feels as if he's wasted his money because you pursue to your own interests?
At the time I did; ironically enough it was my parents who told me that such thinking was retarded and that I should stop.
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Im so happy to hear that.
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Great blog man. Five stars.
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Dude your blogs are amazing, do you do one of these a day or something?
A new hero in TL has arrived
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Awesome blog as asual sandy, keep up the good work. 5 stars.
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Thanks guys. Posting will slack off from today onwards as the project I'm working on just got a ton busier. I'll be sure to write up a coda piece or something
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Very good story teller.
Are you fluent in Chinese?
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On September 07 2012 01:19 Condor Hero wrote:
Very good story teller.
Are you fluent in Chinese?
Yes, 会写一点。
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On September 07 2012 01:22 Shady Sands wrote:Show nested quote +On September 07 2012 01:19 Condor Hero wrote:
Very good story teller.
Are you fluent in Chinese? Yes, 会写一点。
haha my Chinese was pure garbage for such a long time despite my parents forcing me to Chinese school every Saturday for god knows how many years. It was only in college after meeting more native speakers I got fluent.
Which school you go to in Chicago?
We should be similar age so maybe even been in a lot of the same places if you are from SW suburbs.
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On September 07 2012 01:24 Condor Hero wrote:Show nested quote +On September 07 2012 01:22 Shady Sands wrote:On September 07 2012 01:19 Condor Hero wrote:
Very good story teller.
Are you fluent in Chinese? Yes, 会写一点。 haha my Chinese was pure garbage for such a long time despite my parents forcing me to Chinese school every Saturday for god knows how many years. It was only in college after meeting more native speakers I got fluent. Which school you go to in Chicago? We should be similar age so maybe even been in a lot of the same places if you are from SW suburbs.
Same here, got fluent after dating a mainland girl for three years. Pillow talk works wonders for language comprehension (and pronounciation)
I went to college in Chicago, grew up in Phoenix.
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Calgary25989 Posts
Good story. I had a lot of conflict with my parents growing up. Nothing huge but I couldn't really relate to them and I didn't even know what I wanted to be myself. Once I moved to university, things got a lot better and I find myself going to them a lot more for advice and relating to them way more now. I also think they realized that my lifestyle (rarely worrying about anything), despite being opposite of their's, had its faults but had a few positives.
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On September 06 2012 19:50 Shady Sands wrote:
My dad used to tell me that I would understand the way he acted once I grew up and had a child of my own.
Before I read the rest, my dad tells me this too.
He tries to make us live well.
Shame he can't treat family like a family though.
Interesting read. Quite personal.
Good luck on your uni/college/whatever you'd like to call it life!
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On September 07 2012 03:39 Kurumi wrote:Show nested quote +On September 06 2012 19:50 Shady Sands wrote:
My dad used to tell me that I would understand the way he acted once I grew up and had a child of my own. Before I read the rest, my dad tells me this too. He tries to make us live well. Shame he can't treat family like a family though. Interesting read. Quite personal. Good luck on your uni/college/whatever you'd like to call it life!
Same here. My dad grew up reminding us, all the time, of how he had to junk his artistic career to raise us.
One time, and I remember this very clearly--my dad was supposed to watch over my brother and I at Disneyland while my mom went to the Chinese consulate to get our passports renewed. Dad ended up abandoning us there and sneaking over to the Getty Museum. My brother and I had a blast, of course, without parental supervision, but my mom was not so happy.
My dad told my brother and I to wait for him at the parking lot at a certain time in the afternoon. He planned to get back to us before mom did. Of course this was LA so he got stuck in traffic, and this was before cell phones. Mom ended up getting there first (the friend who gave her a ride from the consulate was a local and knew which roads would be crammed with traffic), and when she found out what dad had done, she was... upset.
On the way back from LA, my dad and my mom got into a shouting match where he pointed at my brother and I and said something to the effect of "if it wasn't for those two runts I'd have artwork in that museum", to which my mom replied that he could go cast himself in plaster and be in that museum in perpetuity. That was the closest, I think, they ever got to filing for a divorce.
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Sometimes I think that pretty much any immigrant family in the states could write pretty damn good book. Thanks for affirming that belief.
However, with both my parents coming into the states in the early 90s on H1-B visas, I have to say that their story is not as dramatic.
我靠...我是用北京 口音读的
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United Kingdom14464 Posts
Awesome blog, also, why doesn't your chinese economy blog come up when I click on your blog list?
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On September 08 2012 19:42 MCDayC wrote:
Awesome blog, also, why doesn't your chinese economy blog come up when I click on your blog list?
It was moved from the General Forum, so it won't.
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Great story, wasn't expecting such a ending. Your writing really draws me in, albeit doesn't help with my projects 
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TLADT24920 Posts
Awesome story and such a great ending!
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On September 08 2012 19:21 Loser777 wrote:
Sometimes I think that pretty much any immigrant family in the states could write pretty damn good book. Thanks for affirming that belief.
However, with both my parents coming into the states in the early 90s on H1-B visas, I have to say that their story is not as dramatic.
我靠...我是用北京 口音读的
You used a Beijing accent to read that? Awesome. Roll those Rs baby!
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Oh I didn't realize you were Chinese! Thought you were Italian or something.
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On September 09 2012 23:39 targ wrote:
Oh I didn't realize you were Chinese! Thought you were Italian or something.
Nope... 100% Chinese. Both parents from Beijing.
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EPT
