Well, guys, here's another one of my awful blogs. I don't visit TL very often anymore, partly because I've lost almost all interest in progaming/SC-related things and partly because I don't have as much free time as I used to have. I still pop in every now and then to PM with ForSC2 or read the blogs section. Today, when I read that Violet died, I really felt it in my heart. Not my figurative heart, but my actual cardiac organ. I had a pain in my chest because I was so upset after reading that. I just wanted to write a blog to pour out a little emotion.
Violet was of the new generation, a generation in which I had basically no interest, but he was still a progamer and still apart of something to which I had given all of my free time during my teenage years. Korea, Starcraft, Progaming, all of it formed a warm crevice in the black jelly of my mind. A crevice which I would massage with the tips of my fingers anytime I was feeling depressed, lonely, or scared. I dreamed of being a progamer in Korea, seeing my face in a VOD, living in a team house, practicing 14 hours a day ... it was a life which I didn't have, but it made my actual life a little easier to navigate. It was my little plan, my little secret, my little fantasy. No one else knew that I was even interested in video games, much less that I wanted to devote my life to a goal which was centered entirely around a video game. No one knew that if I had the chance to go to Korea, taste the air, smell the asphalt, hear the language, and just feel my particles rubbing against those in this country which held all of my greatest desires ... no one knew.
No one knew.
My older sister was always my closest friend. Reading around my posts and blogs here on the forum, you wouldn't get that impression because I repeatedly call her a cunt, but it's all in jest. She had the biggest influence on me as a kid and I wanted to be just like her. After she graduated high school and moved out on her own to the big city of Austin, Texas I felt a strident change in my social life ... mostly because I didn't really have one. I didn't have friends my own age because I was always with my sister and her friends (who were all 5 years older than myself) so that made me feel like I had a social circle even though I really didn't. My sister was really popular, too. No one in my school believed me when I told them she was my sister because we were so different: she was loud and jocular and I was quiet and timid. But it was true, she was my sister, she was my closest friend, she was the one who held my status above "little brother" when I was with her and her friends ... she was what held it all together for me. When she left, all of that was gone. After a few years, I decided to go and stay with her in Austin for a summer before I started 10th grade.
I still remember that I was on 56k dial-up back home and she had broadband and so that was where I spent most of my time: using her internet to read about SC/progaming things. My favorite site was Splashimage, a Korean fan site which had original content like pictures and music videos.
It was those music videos which sparked this secret fantasy ... I remember it like it was yesterday: 3 in the morning and I was still awake watching every music video on Splashimage and fantasizing about being one of those few ... those elite few ... those progamers. But I noticed one big difference: I didn't look like them.
Of course, they were ethnic Asians and I was an ethnic nothing. As in, I'm so white, it's actually illegal for me to claim an ethnicity. But that wasn't the difference. The difference was they were all thin and handsome and I was a dumpy fat slob. After watching all of the music videos, I turned around and faced the full-length mirror in the room and just stared at myself. Something was lit inside of me in that moment.
I decided to become one of them.
My dream would now be a reality. That humid August morning in Austin, Texas in 2004, I decided to change everything about myself and become a progamer. When I left Austin, I also left behind the life I used to know with my sister ... I had waved my last goodbye to her and went back home with a resolve to achieve a dream. The results came almost immediately. I lost weight, took care of my appearance and became thin and handsome just like my Starcraft idols. I spent every single day practicing my build-orders and watching first person VODs. I started studying Korean, learning the language, learning the alphabet, and even tried my hand at Korean calligraphy. My diet had changed to the closest approximation of Korean food that I could produce. If I was going to be one of them, I was going to look like one of them. I was going to speak like one of them. and I was even going to eat like one of them. I used to write notes and stick them on the headboard of my bed. They were there to ward off any temptation which would ruin my dream. They were simple notes like "What do you REALLY want?" and "Tomorrow, you'll be even closer." and they really did help in keeping myself composed. I even carried one with me to school and kept it in my pockets at all times. Standing there alone in that awful bathroom stall in high school, I would read my note and fantasize about the life I was going to have in Korea. It was what got me through the day.
I'd leave the restroom and just look around ... all of this was temporary. I wasn't like these other people in this town, the other kids in this school ... I was different. I was different because I had a different kind of goal in life. And no one knew. No one had any idea. My sister wasn't here anymore, she left and her friends left with her. I didn't have any close friends of my own. I was on my own. I was alone. And that was fine because, as I thought, this was all temporary. I'd imagine the looks on all the kids' faces when rumors would spread that I had left school to go to Korea to become a progamer. The looks on their faces when they learn that I'm rich and famous and adored in Korea. The looks on their faces when they learned that I had devoted my entire life to that one very goal ... those looks were what I cherished. Those faces were coming ... they were on their way ...
And no one knew.
No one knew.
There was an unexpected consequence to this entire dream of mine, one which I could not foresee: I wasn't fat anymore, I lost a ton of weight, I took care of my hair and teeth and dressed differently. The discipline it took to change my body and practice Starcraft every waking hour of the day had produced something ... attention. People were actually paying attention to me. We all like to think of ourselves as good, decent people who don't judge others based on their appearance, but we do. We just do. Fat kids just learn to accept it and usually become bitter, angry assholes just like I was, but when you lose weight and all that shit starts going in the other direction, it's really fucking incredible. It's literally like you were born again. I was being invited to parties, girls were flirting with me, people were treating me like a real, actual human being for the first time in my life. And the questions ... oh, the questions ... "So, what do you do in your free time?" or "Why did you lose all that weight?" were my favorites because I absolutely could not answer them honestly. "Oh, my free time is devoted to Starcraft because I'm going to be a professional player." and "Oh, I lost weight so that I could look good on TV in a far-away Asian land while I'm being filmed playing a computer game." ... it was ALMOST surreal. I had been going to school with this kids my entire life and NONE of them knew anything about me. For the first time in my life, I had friends which weren't my sister's friends. These were MY friends. My first friends. My first fucking friends! I was excited and I wanted to catch up on all those things I missed out on during my fat years.
This is where the story takes a complete turn. As I indulged in the social life, I lost my desire to be a progamer. I'll never forget when one of the first girls I ever had ANY kind of relationship with would ask "Why do you always take so long to text me back?" and it was because I wasn't used to texting because WHO was I going to text? I had no one in my life for so long that I never needed to learn how to text. But goddamn it, I could split my four SCVs individually like you wouldn't believe. Fast forward a year: now I'm a blazing fast texter, but I can't split my SCVs for shit anymore. Why? Because I lost sight of my dream. I was growing up and living a "normal" young person's life for once and it satisfied me enough to stop progressing in my secret little plan to become a progamer in Korea. But dreams don't die that easily, I still wanted to make it happen somehow. I remember a recurring dream I had was being on stage at the Starleague finals and looking at my girlfriend sitting in the front row. Yeah, that was my recurring dream I had every night. Seriously. As more time passed, I graduated high school, went to community college and just slid off of the side of my Starcraft dream more and more ... it was too hard now ... my discipline was gone. All the drinking and smoking drowned my discipline in a tub, never to be heard from again. But fuck it, right? I have girlfriends now. They'll fulfill me. Fuck Starcraft, fuck Korea, fuck progaming, go to school and enjoy the females.
I did enjoy them, their company, their affections, their everything. However, all the girls in the world cannot fill the void that a dead dream leaves in your soul. Hailey, Hillary, Allie, Breanne, all of them brought me to levels of happiness and sadness which I had never experienced before in my entire life. Moments of my life that I will remember until I die were created with them. They'll always have a special place in my heart and I don't think I'll ever stop loving any one of them.
But none of them knew. None of them knew that I was only with them because I wasn't where I really wanted to be: in Korea, playing Starcraft as a progamer. No one knew.
No one knew.
More and more time progressed and I resigned to the status of "spectator" and stopped trying to compete. I joined TeamLiquid, wrote some editorials, and just sat on the side-lines. I experienced Starcraft as an entertainment, not as a lifestyle. At this point in my life, I'm not even a spectator anymore. Starcraft has left my life entirely ... and I'm fucking miserable. I'm almost 24 years old and I spend all of my time looking back to my teenage years when I was chasing a dream, when I had the discipline to keep going forward, and when I was .... happy ... and no one knows. No one knows what makes me feel regretful and disappointed in myself. No one knows that I had a dream once and how fulfilled it made me and how awful I feel about myself for slowly abandoning it. Would I have achieved my dream? I don't know. I don't even feel that it's important anymore. It was everything I did to achieve that dream that made my life fulfilled. And now it's all gone. Today, when I read that Violet died, I fell apart. Everything about my relationship with this game, this profession, this community spurted back out from my heart. My history, my youth, my love ... my fucking innocent, undying love for this game came flowing out in the form of tears.
And no one knows.
No one knows why I'm sitting here crying right now.
wow...that was something, I'm at a loss for words really, I don't really know what to say..I don't know if there is anything to say really.
its something you take to heart, dreams don't die, but people do, that why we need to live the dream as long as you can and I guess that when you can't anymore you have to feel accomplished enough to not regret anything.
poignant and very well written. i wont pretend to "know" but i think i feel for you on the desiring desire kind of thing -- like, having a dream/pursuit at all. that being said, the best advice i ever got was that when people are like "find what you love and do it", which seems generic, the bit they leave out which makes it matter is that if youre not doing that nothing makes sense... best of luck to you in finding something to be passionate about, and, well, being passionate about it. dont give up on yourself.
That was fucking amazing, I feel the same way about a lot of that stuff. I was top 400 in the U.S. in SC2 at the beginning of summer, then this season I did AWFULLY (so badly in fact that I became extremely sad for a week and stopped playing SC for the whole summer up until about now). I realized that one of the main reasons I like SC is not that the game is fun, but the simple idea of pursuing that perfection motivates me to be absolutely perfect in everything.
So the desire to become a progamer got you lots of pussy. I fail to see how this isn't the goal of being a progamer. Also your sister is awesome. I doubt my brother would let me stay with him for a summer. The balance between social and gaming is a struggle for every progamer.
I feel the same about so much of what you wrote. It's sad. But the day will come when esports is bigger, much bigger. The day will come when boys and girls can, for a time, live out their dream, when the negative stigma surrounding gamers will completely erode. The day will come. Like Violet, there are those who have dropped sweat and tears for this game. Who have sacrificed everything to pursue their passion, no matter how small or trivial it might seem to the masses.
No matter what, it is the SPIRIT of the progamer that makes this game and this community what it is. It is that unwaivering dedication, that desire for complete and utter perfection that has brought esports so far in the past couple of years.
For those who made it, and those who did not. You didn't fail, OP.
You gained something far more valuable than fame in pursuit of your dream. You learned to follow your dreams. You learned dedication, gained the strength to carry on. You worked your ass off to possess the qualities that make this community so outstanding.
It doesn't matter whether or not you became a progamer. Whether you're a progamer, a journalist, a coach, a businessman, an editorial writer, a fan, a newbie, a forumgoer, passionate amateur - all of these things possess discipline, integrity, passion and dedication. And that is the HEART of esports.
Competitive gaming will succeed not in spite of you.
Yes, I know exactly how you feel, much the same with me. I'm at work now, thinking it was just two weeks ago Violet was posting on the forums, and now he won't, and I really don't want to be at work anymore. I too have issues getting over pro BW not being a central part of my life, because I care so much about it and have invested so much time and emotion in following it, but now its fading out. You know what, I think it'd be really good if us, with the same struggle, got together and worked through what we love and remember, and how we'll live on and come to peace without it. Cause it sure aint apparant how, right now.
I have a Swiss half-price rail card, I really want to hunt down and camp in Blubbdavid's house, and presuming you're still in Austria (which is a long shot) we could get together and reminisce. Consider it.
The death of a dream is a hard thing to deal with.
Don't regret the things you've done. Look at all the things you've accomplished in the name of reaching for your dream. If you can find something else that at least feels worthwhile to pursue, you know how to do it. And trust me, having friends and some level of normalcy to your life is a good thing.
I'm 24 myself, and I've had to look at my life and watch my own dream disappear as well. I feel like I've come to terms with it, and I've found something that, while not as fulfilling as following my dream could have been, is at least acceptable. I don't think so much about my dream any more. Sure, I remember it, and I'd still give almost everything up for a chance to follow that dream, but I don't dwell on it. I take satisfaction where I can, and think to myself "at least I've found something I don't hate."
Whatever you do in life, remember how much you succeeded, and how good it felt to succeed in those things.
Wow that was something, was not expecting such a heavy story. You are a good writer, usually I lose interest in really long posts but I read this straight all the way through.
Everything you did in your past will allways be a part of you. You can't just say you abandoned it. It is still in your mind. It has helped you through a rough patch in your life (i hope that's grammaticaly correct). It's still some kind of dream. So even when you think about it once in a while you shouldn't feel sad or sorry about yourself. Keep it in your mind to guide yourself and, hopefully, someday your family through your life.
Very good read. One of the few blogs i read. Keep it going young sir!
You always need goals... Something to work for, change for, improve for... live for. Awesome write up. I was similarly without a goal in my mid 20s. I worked some dead end jobs, and even found one I could make a career out of. But it wasn't until I found a real GOAL that my life got meaning. Now I'm back in school and working towards my goal (and small goals along the way). I wish you the best and if you want you can always PM :D
Definitely a bit of your story in all of us. I want to write more but your blog had a profound effect and the words just aren't coming out. Thanks for the read.
Dream about something whole your life but never say it, and wait until it die some day.
Your story reminds me of my own, some parts were different but the ideas, and reasons were practically identical(i believe).
For me being unrecognized, belittled resulted in seeking proportionally big challenge and reward elsewhere, so my new being itself would become a "middle finger" to the people of the past. Was it really because of the people of from the past? It was mix of many things, but i know for sure there was and still is an image of me, i want to meet, otherwise i will never be happy in my life. And no amount of self-acceptance and rational psychology will ever cure me from it, because it will mean for me deep down, that i surrendered.
There are hundreds, if not thousands of people here in TL that had similar dreams and passion as you for esport and SC, dreams of dedicating their lives to the competitive scene in some way. Sadly real life and other factors that cannot be overcome by sheer determination and hardwork prevent these dreams from coming true(as in Violet's case), but in the end, you are not alone. Take strength from that. We know and understand you.
In the most important time of our life, our youth, we are too immature to make the right decisions. I found like you, I let society influence me in the wrong direction, that direction took me away from my dream. Although different my dream was something that required complete support, confidence, and dedication. As you were, i was too scared to stand up, to break the mold of my surroundings and chase my dream bravely and confidently. I was too sacred to announce my dream so I told no one about it, as I feared being judged and told to be realistic.
Still I worked alone towards this goal, with no support I still pushed myself, foolishly, and as i grew older and i needed others to help me reach new levels but I had no one. So then i slowly started to follow what others supported, and became normal like everyone else because i was too weak to call out for help for my own dream. Before i knew it high school was over and everyone went their own way, and i was left with nothing.
Since then I've struggled, constantly unhappy with myself and my achievements, however I have learned from my mistakes. I now have knowledge and strength about myself which allows me to live regret free. i have learned the hard way that i should always be me, I should fear nothing, and I should never hesitate to follow my desires. I have learned honesty and integrity. But most of all i have learned how important support is from family, friends, or anybody. It was my dream that made me special but it was my cowardliness that made me ordinary.
Thank you for reminding me how important this lesson is
Thanks for sharing this Pubbanana, I'm sure it feels a bit better to let it out. Perhaps it didn't feel right to tell anyone because of society norms, or it was a secret passion but you should tell your sister and others. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
This absolutely reminds me of myself, and I am going to tell you why you should not be a bit miserable about this at all.
You did not abandon your dream. You grew out of it. I used to dream about being in the scene, not as a progamer but somewhere behind the scenes. I actually even led the biggest German Broodwar League back in the days for a bit (BWCL if anyone cares), but then, I, too, have evolved. Then I left my computer and discovered the real life, I wanted more than just virtual acknowledgement.
When everything changed I saw how much there actually is in the real world, that's also great. There is art, travel, food, other people, life! It doesn't have to happen alone in front of the computer! That's why in recent years I've only been watching SC2 when there were real people. When they showed the casters, the venues, the players, the emotions, the fans. Then it was real for me, then it made sense. Casting from replays? Not interested.
I moved on from SC2, I still watch occasionally (just a few big games here and there), but much much less than even a year ago. I discovered different passions and people that take so much time and that I love so much, that I just don't have time and access to broadband all the time anymore to be able to follow the vast amount of tournaments going on!
You, too, should have a new passion now. You can't tell me that girls, smoking and alcohol are your new passion. If that's it, please get back into becoming a progamer. If you haven't found your new passion yet, LOOK FOR IT. GET OUT THERE INTO THE WORLD. Travel, volunteer, get a job, work a different job every year, friends, music, films, photography, painting, cook, eat, fuck, live, live, live.
And when you found your passion you will be able to make a living out of it after working hard for a bit. Then, when you have enough money to take a holiday to Seoul, Korea, you can go when there's a GSL final. Bring your sister. And then, you can tell her that this was your dream. You won't be frustrated.
Feels like I wrote this in 5years... Kinda feel the same way about the game, the korean culture around it and so on. Makes me wonder, should I just give it up. Tbh, I am incredibly afraid to become what you have (no offense), and deep inside I know that I dont have what it takes to make it. I get too frustrated, constantly losing motivation and rarely have those moments when I realise why I love it... It is truly a sports for the rough and not the weak minded. It is truly amazing!
As I sit here with my hands resting upon my knees trying to think of something to write, it occurs to me that this is all I really can do. I'm reaching for long explanatory sentences when in actuality, one word will do: Beautiful. I guess two more words: Thank you.
Really, this just shows how to some people games are a way of life, just like any other activity, so many of us feel this way about gaming, it means a lot it helps us achieve things we would never dream we would be able to achieve, gives us confidence and overflowing emotions, I can only imagine what it is like to one day after years of dedication be able to win a tournament, and say, I fucking did it.
I'm glad Violet got the opportunity to become a progamer and play the game he loved together with the amazing people in KT that shared the same dream. It sucks that he didn't get the chance to come back. I hope he felt that all the hours he put in to the game to please the fans, teammates and coaches was worth it all so he didn't lay there in the hospital his last days with regrets.
It's a very good blog. But I honestly hope you can pick yourself up and realize experiences like yours are part of life, and a reason to celebrate, not sulk.
man, your words have crossed the world and hit me right in my soul, here in Uberlândia, Brazil.
I can definetely relate to what u've said... we all on teamliquid can.
No one, but ourselvs, know.
Keep your head up, you accomplished so much BECAUSE of your pursuit for perfection. You didn't abandoned your dream, instead, your dreams lives inside of you, in every breath you take there is still the flame of a progamer, that knows perfection only comes with hardwork and sacrifice, this is a lesson you learned for life, and it's now part of your personality.
Wheter you know it or not, Starcraft, Korea, Progaming and Violet, are represented by every action you take in every day of your waking life... because all of those things, are the reason you are who you are.
Don't be sad, be PROUD, because you were on the vanguard of something beautifull that'll last for generations. YOU were the one supporting e-sports through all those adolescent years, and e-sports only managed to grow because of people like yourself.
You have my respect, and my sincere wishes that better days will come and you'll realize that you and starcraft owe so much to each other... and that should be enough.
On August 24 2012 01:19 tribbe wrote: ...would read again. Best of luck finding a new dream. I'm sure you'll find something!
Totally agree with this! You may feel empty now and for a long time, but don't underestimate yourself. I'm confident you will find another dream to reach for!
Even though it can't mend the void created by a dream unfulfilled, find solace in the fact that few people's dream were as powerful as yours.
Most people don't even have a dream, and don't know what it feels like to really want something from the bottom of one's heart and the core of one's soul.
Don't be upset. In pursuing your dream, you didn't quite make it to Korea let alone playing StarCraft on OnGameNet or MBCGame but you did transform your life for the better through the discipline you gained when you tried to basically be Korean..
The truth is girls are one of many distractions that deter one from his dreams and aspirations. If you really want to be the best , you must breathe and sleep in your passion. The moment you start doing things not related to your aspirations, your discipline begins to fall apart. It has happened to me in Jiujitsu with gaming distracting me. You can't choose both and it goes back to being jack of all trades, master of none. However, you still benefited from a failed dream: you learned a new language, made new friends, more importantly females ones, and you lost weight. You should be damn proud of your evolution instead of feeling regretful.
I'm sorry you couldn't achieve your dreams of progaming, but maybe you will find another passion. You are still young.
I have to admit, I had a WTF! reaction to your post rather than the soulful longing and melancholy you were going for.
It's because you frame Starcraft like it's this dark ritual incompatible with any semblance of a normal life, with having friends and relationships, something to be kept hidden even from your closest friends. And again I have to say, WTF.
>At this point in my life, I'm not even a spectator anymore. Starcraft has left my life entirely ... and I'm fucking miserable.
I can't recommend going to a barcraft for this MLG this week strongly enough. GO. DO IT. You'll meet tons of happy fun people living their lives, a few who play seriously and hope to compete some day, some who just watch a tournament once awhile. But ALL delighted to spend a weekend with others enjoying something they love, without shame or hiding anything.
On August 24 2012 02:49 JackDT wrote: I have to admit, I had a WTF! reaction to your post rather than the soulful longing and melancholy you were going for.
It's because you frame Starcraft like it's this dark ritual incompatible with any semblance of a normal life, with having friends and relationships, something to be kept hidden even from your closest friends. And again I have to say, WTF.
>At this point in my life, I'm not even a spectator anymore. Starcraft has left my life entirely ... and I'm fucking miserable.
I can't recommend going to a barcraft for this MLG this week strongly enough. GO. DO IT. You'll meet tons of happy fun people living their lives, a few who play seriously and hope to compete some day, some who just watch a tournament once awhile. But ALL delighted to spend a weekend with others enjoying something they love, without shame or hiding anything.
You have to admit that his way of engaging in starcraft (devoting himself completely to the dream) is pretty unique, and he did it when he was like ~16. If you had read and understood this blog you would have realised he wasnt some average joe who liked the game it was literally EVERYTHING for him. So I suggest you save your WTF for another day.
On August 24 2012 02:49 JackDT wrote: >At this point in my life, I'm not even a spectator anymore. Starcraft has left my life entirely ... and I'm fucking miserable.
I can't recommend going to a barcraft for this MLG this week strongly enough. GO. DO IT. You'll meet tons of happy fun people living their lives, a few who play seriously and hope to compete some day, some who just watch a tournament once awhile. But ALL delighted to spend a weekend with others enjoying something they love, without shame or hiding anything.
Or actually go to one of the MLG's in person sometime =)
Maybe you, pubbanana, have lost the dream and more importantly the pursuit of a dream. But maybe you can share the love of Starcraft with others, and while you reconnect yourself to this world through barcrafts or other social events, maybe you'll stumble across a new dream (anything from being a caster to being the sound guy for NASL, haha!).
The only thing I can offer you is that you're still young enough to find a new dream. And obviously you can conjure the passion and discipline to attain it. Find a new one, and shove it in the world's face so everyone knows it.
On August 24 2012 02:49 JackDT wrote: I have to admit, I had a WTF! reaction to your post rather than the soulful longing and melancholy you were going for.
It's because you frame Starcraft like it's this dark ritual incompatible with any semblance of a normal life, with having friends and relationships, something to be kept hidden even from your closest friends. And again I have to say, WTF.
>At this point in my life, I'm not even a spectator anymore. Starcraft has left my life entirely ... and I'm fucking miserable.
I can't recommend going to a barcraft for this MLG this week strongly enough. GO. DO IT. You'll meet tons of happy fun people living their lives, a few who play seriously and hope to compete some day, some who just watch a tournament once awhile. But ALL delighted to spend a weekend with others enjoying something they love, without shame or hiding anything.
You have to admit that his way of engaging in starcraft (devoting himself completely to the dream) is pretty unique, and he did it when he was like ~16. If you had read and understood this blog you would have realised he wasnt some average joe who liked the game it was literally EVERYTHING for him. So I suggest you save your WTF for another day.
Point taken, though the WTF is largely about how he felt he couldn't even tell his friends what he was working so hard on, and had removed completely from his life the thing that he loved so much. Wear a brood war shirt out in public and when someone asks you about it, stop and connect with them, 'Yeah, I could have been a contender maybe...' with that wistful look in your eye.
I like the way the poster above put it: share the love with others, and you might stumble across a new dream.
Great write-up, brilliant read after a bad day. Quite inspiring to actually do what I want to do rather than do what others believe is the normal thing to do.
When you tell people your goals, you gain some of the pleasure of actually achieving the goals. By keeping the goals all to yourself, you push yourself to only feel good once you've actually achieved the goal.
Intellectually I know I'll never be a progamer. But in my heart I'll never let it go. I play every day and I eat better and I work out and everything good that I really care about I have because of Starcraft.
Even if it feels impossible, I promise it can all come back to you and it won't take long before it's easy again. I don't know your life, and maybe it's not what you want or what you need. But if you believe it is, just do it.
i love starcraft right now but i feel like eventually it will just slip away and i really dont want it to, the game is so great, the spectators, the players
That was an amazing story. It reminds me that many of us create this dream of becoming someone big in this community because we have suffered to become anyone in normal society.
Shit. What you wrote makes me think so much about my life :s
But it's good, those feelings, they remind you of what really matters to you. You can cover yourself in many layers of comfort to go over your daily routine, in the end, your heart burns for something that you can't ignore.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
a true faggot. enjoy your empty troll-life, you disgusting piece of shit. the person you just shat is superior in more ways than your underdeveloped wits can imagine.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
a true faggot. enjoy your empty troll-life, you disgusting piece of shit. the person you just shat is superior in more ways than your underdeveloped wits can imagine.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
a true faggot. enjoy your empty troll-life, you disgusting piece of shit. the person you just shat is superior in more ways than your underdeveloped wits can imagine.
how is what i wrote an insult
calm down
how? its condescending and insulting. im amazed youre even smart enough to breathe.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
a true faggot. enjoy your empty troll-life, you disgusting piece of shit. the person you just shat is superior in more ways than your underdeveloped wits can imagine.
how is what i wrote an insult
calm down
how? its condescending and insulting. im amazed youre even smart enough to breathe.
you don't seem to understand the word koreaboo fully.. i suggest you google it.. maybe the first result might help you. also please stop placing insults after every other sentence you write, now THATS condescending.
Hey man I know how that feels. I lost my job this week and seriously thought about ending it all. I even prepared everything.
The one thing that's keeping me alive was thinking about last year at MLG Providence when I walked out of the booth and the crowd was cheering for me...Honestly, enthusiastically, cheering. Not because it was the polite thing to do or because it was expected of them, but I showed them something they liked and I got to live the dream for one sweet instant. I think everyone dreams about a moment like that or some level or another, but I was able to experience that for a moment and if not for SC2 I'm sure I'd be 6 ft deep right now.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
a true faggot. enjoy your empty troll-life, you disgusting piece of shit. the person you just shat is superior in more ways than your underdeveloped wits can imagine.
how is what i wrote an insult
calm down
how? its condescending and insulting. im amazed youre even smart enough to breathe.
you don't seem to understand the word koreaboo fully.. i suggest you google it.. maybe the first result might help you. also please stop placing insults after every other sentence you write, now THATS condescending.
okay. im sry for insulting, worthless piece of dirt.
Did you finally have a chance to learn how to speak French ? I seemed that this French speaking girlfriend of yours was very important to you. If you did, then learning French for the person you love is a huge life achievement that you should be proud of.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
a true faggot. enjoy your empty troll-life, you disgusting piece of shit. the person you just shat is superior in more ways than your underdeveloped wits can imagine.
how is what i wrote an insult
calm down
how? its condescending and insulting. im amazed youre even smart enough to breathe.
you don't seem to understand the word koreaboo fully.. i suggest you google it.. maybe the first result might help you. also please stop placing insults after every other sentence you write, now THATS condescending.
okay. im sry for insulting, worthless piece of dirt.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
a true faggot. enjoy your empty troll-life, you disgusting piece of shit. the person you just shat is superior in more ways than your underdeveloped wits can imagine.
how is what i wrote an insult
calm down
how? its condescending and insulting. im amazed youre even smart enough to breathe.
you don't seem to understand the word koreaboo fully.. i suggest you google it.. maybe the first result might help you. also please stop placing insults after every other sentence you write, now THATS condescending.
okay. im sry for insulting, worthless piece of dirt.
You write amazingly well. This blog honestly pulled at my heartstrings as much as anything else I have read about violet today. It was an amazing read. Even if you can't get into starcraft, maybe if you could get into writing you could come up with something as awesome (and by awesome, I literally mean it inspired awe in me) as this.
On August 24 2012 03:48 AcesAnoka wrote: a true koreaboo
lol acesanoka is a fucking joke how dare u call him korea poo, he is better then u 10000xyou, you fat useless cuntshit fuck fag, kill urself pls, fuck dick cunt cock, i hope u get shit on by fucking elephants then dragged to the desert and eaten by fuckin vultures u big fat hairy cock fuck, just fuck off and stop bullying cuntyfacefucker, ur disgustcing and i hope u drown
Really reflects a lot of our experiences here. Dodging questions of what you do in your free time. Getting serious bringing other modes of life into gear.
no regrets.. just because you've parted ways with eSports, doesn't meant you can't rediscover your love for them again. all the other things you go through might lead you right back to where you started.. but it's better to have gone through them than to have not. it shapes you into who you are. if we can take anything from Violet, let it be to enjoy ourselves no matter what we do.
I have goosebumps right now. that was probably the most beautiful post i have ever read on any website. I don't even know what to say, besides that i hope that you can a new passion in life that you want to follow as much as Starcraft. Or that this will reignite your passion for the game. it is never too late. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in life, and i would really recommend looking into writing a book or something, because this was an astonishing piece of writing.
On August 24 2012 04:14 Nikoras wrote: Hey man I know how that feels. I lost my job this week and seriously thought about ending it all. I even prepared everything.
The one thing that's keeping me alive was thinking about last year at MLG Providence when I walked out of the booth and the crowd was cheering for me...Honestly, enthusiastically, cheering. Not because it was the polite thing to do or because it was expected of them, but I showed them something they liked and I got to live the dream for one sweet instant. I think everyone dreams about a moment like that or some level or another, but I was able to experience that for a moment and if not for SC2 I'm sure I'd be 6 ft deep right now.
Glad you're still here with us. (: I remember that moment of yours at Providence too. It was rad, thanks for that.
This is an insanely great blog and it really made me think about my own dreams and my own life. Thanks for writing this. I hope everyone can take something useful from it.
Oha dude, this got very deep into me. I kinda feel like the same way right now, im 16yo and i haven't even talked to a girl face to face, i have very few friends, i barely ever see my parents and i sit here all day playing Starcraft. I feel like i'm wasting my life in some ways, but at the same time i don't like anything else, i don't like studying, i don't like partying and so on... I get sad some days when i go to bed after 16h of playing, with my eyes fucked, and thinking: what am i doing with my life? But then again, i feel like this is the only think i like to do.
Really well written and sad story sir, best wishes.
I know exactly how you feel. I did the same fucking thing. Remember sitting day after day, night after night on the NC, NT, Namoo, Nexus channels on US West and practiced my ass off. Its one of the few times in my now 25 year long life I REALLY applied myself and tried to be the best. But being bound by the evil spell that is the Macintosh, I was unable to bind ctrl to my mouse and felt like a was playing with a disadvantage. Couple that with no one to continually train with and being mechanically mediocre (physically) I never made it. I was shattered when I realized those korean people i played against will always be better than me. (or maybe I just lost my faith?)....
Fast forward 2 years, the second curse of the Mac. Everyone migrates to PGTour from WGTour. Whoop-di-fucking-doo. I cant install the launcher and there were no one left to play with. After my half forced retirement I think Ive caught atleast 80% of all televised games from 2004-9
Wow....what a fantastic read. I can really feel the wistfulness :/
You write really well and your emotions really hurt. Not sure where to go from here, but...well I guess I hope you find your heart again, and discover more hopes and dreams.
Thanks for sharing but I think you're too hard on yourself.
Every kid has a dream that fades away at some point. Starcraft may have not given you a public cheering in a starleague final, but you still gained a lot of things chasing that dream and sadly, that's not the case for everyone. You learned to be social, a skill that will be usefull all your life. I wouldn't expect someone to be good at SC2 to turn like this !
You are crying the old you, this boy who got a life thanks to starcraft. Out of respect for you and what this game gave you, keep playing and keep staying in this community.
However, if after some soul searching this dream of you doesn't fade away, you know what you have to do.
This just blew me away read it a few times. The nostalgia is hitting you hard, had a minor form with my good ole cod4 and mohaa days... Well written dude this really hit me home.
Thank you thank you thank you !! This hit me in so many different ways im amazed. First of all, this is the first actual blog that i've really read on TL, usually i assume it's gonna be just some nonsense that doesnt mean anything to me...but reading this made me think back, and my life has really mirrored yours in so many ways its almost scary. I've had the same dream, and i've given up the same dream, I've worked hard and spent countless hours practicing, practicing, practicing...and now im 25 and there's a lot in my life that i look back on with regrets. But this isn't about me...Im just trying to give you an example of the fact that there's definitely so many many people out there just like us. exactly like us, in a million ways..and yet completely different in another million ways.
ugh im having trouble putting my thoughts and emotions into words here....but most simply what i wanted to say, is even though nobody knew...we all of us who've dreamed and fallen short, are shedding our tears right along with you.
I'll keep this positive. My favorite part has to be where you did something about your life to follow your goal. For myself, I get all motivated and inspired and junk, and then I'm back on the Internet doing the same stupid stuff I'm used to and stay up late and I feel terrible because I didn't work towards my goal. You, though, heck, you did something. You didn't just convince yourself; you had the willpower to follow through with your dream. No, it hasn't reached fruition, but just the fact that you rigorously inured yourself to lose weight and learn from VODs and practice diligently and take care of yourself is purely astounding. You didn't sit there and wallow and regret over your missed opportunity; you just got up and f-ing did it.
Whatever you do with your life, take that drive with you. It's rarely found in individuals, and without a doubt it's your greatest asset.
Really good read and I think a lot of people (including myself) can relate to this story quite a bit. Going to try to briefly type out my story so that maybe it can help you.
At a similar point in my life I felt like any major I pursued was going to lead me to some career I was never going to truly enjoy and I hated the thought of that. The thought of doing/pursuing something because that is what other people said I should do or expected me to do. So, I went for electrical engineering, hated it, dropped out and hit my low point. After a summer of soul searching and just talking to anyone and everyone about career choices, fields to work in, etc. I finally talked to someone with something that intrigued me. He was working in live audio and despite my complete lack of understanding of the field at the time I was still incredibly intrigued and started researching/studying about it to get a better understanding and enrolled in a two year program that fall. I instantly fell in love with the field and within the first week of classes I actually just went and volunteered at places just to experience it. That was only maybe around 3 years ago but today I'm getting paid to work in this field and actually still continue to volunteer just because I actually love doing it and the faster I can continue to get experience the sooner I'm going to achieve my NEW dream - being on sets of bigger and bigger shows (who knows maybe an MLG or something someday? :D I actually applied for the IPL3 posting on here a while back but didn't get a response ).
Of course, I still have a long way to go but I just wanted to type that all out to let you know there is always a way to reignite that passion in your heart and you are never to old to completely start from scratch. Just keep searching and don't be afraid to take risks. Good luck!
Amazing read. You must've picked up ability to write somewhere in your non-starcraft life, because what you wrote was very well written. Thanks for this, 5/5
reading this brings a lot of feelings to me... it reminds me of dreams i had once too... the sad thing was they weren't always related to wanting to be a progamer, though it was something i have wanted for a very long time myself. i would put every waking moment i had free into trying to be a better gamer. watching VODs and streams going over build orders... i did everything i could think of. but i guess that was something i always knew i could pull off, even though i put everything i had into it. i also wanted to open a resturan/bar like meltdown in paris and serve to the gamer crowd and promote esports and give people like me a place to go since where i live we are pretty spread out. and since i studied culinary arts and resturant managment it kind fell into place. put my to passions together. i had things planned out with friends and my girlfriend on what we would do. they were all behind the idea and wanted to do it. we were writing out a bussiness plan and where going to start looking for backers when my closest friend went to rehab. he was gone for months and no one heard from him. in that time persiod i had started a new job to try to make more money to save for the bar and ro get my girlfriend an engagment ring when one day out of know where she left me for reasons i still dont know of. everything was going well too in our relationship so that hit me very hard. a week later i heard from my friend in rehab that he was out and moving across the country and i would never see him again. a month after that my dog got cancer and has been going down hill since then. and finally if all that wasnt enough the new job i had taken closed up shop. all within three months my world fell apart. it has been 4 months now since this has all happened and i still suffer from vey bad depression.
but in all of this i have found one thing as a bit of a life raft, and that has been the starcraft community. i havnt gotten any better at the game but playing has given me something to focus on. something to take my mind off life for a while. watching streams and tormaments has also become a help since it can take up the large portion of a day and give me something to learn from. and of course coming to tl and reading through the forums and the new also gives me a great insite into whats going on that i may not be seeing. basicly starcraft is becoming an antidepressent to me.
i have never been able to operate very well in the outside world. i have had crippling shyness since i was little. but this community has been a bit of a god send to me. lving where i do there are very few people who even know the community exists. but being able to come here and know that im in a group of like minded people give me comfort.
i dont know if my dreams will ever come true. ive never been able to do things on my own very well. the support of people around me has always made me a stronger person. so i hope the seeing how the starcraft community always rallies behind its players in the best of times and the worst and when something happens to the community, like the loss of violet, you can see how much everyone cares. right now its that, that keeps me going. and what gives me hope that i can make it.
5/5 very well written, a lot of this relates back to me and how I feel as well. 24, had a dream, and abandon it. The only real difference is I was forced to abandon it because of an injury with my arm. Everything since then is just gone and I am struggeling to find something else. I still have starcraft heavily in my life, playing it (only casually since I know nothing can come from it for me anymore) and watching it. Its is sad, and I'm sure many people feel the same way because they have had the same dream.
Are you me? Same age, not exactly the same dream but it was the game that shaped mine, too. It's been in our life for so long now, more than half of our entire life - but slowly fading away. With the conclusion of bwOSL and Violet dying... what more can you do than just cry? Oh I've cried, alot.
But onto new dreams eh, we're still young. I still want to devote my life to something. And I need it to be starcraft related. Perhaps we'll run into eachother on the SC2 ladder? ._.
Edit: please don't let the BW section turn into a place where all the now-grown-up losers cry out. we made this place! and no, I did not enjoy writing that.
Well I am just so happy for you in this blog...or at least I was until I read how much you cared about it 'as a dream' ; but I will get to that later.
I think you should be overjoyed with your experience here. You went from being fat and unhappy with yourself to getting the attention and friends you always wanted. The goal you set for yourself changed you as a person; all for the better. As you said, you got skinnier, had girls in your life, and I could imagine everything just kept going up from there.
You should be proud man! You pulled yourself up from a hard situation and you had a great time, all thanks to that dream. I guess that can also be the flip side. As you describe it, this meant a lot for you, and I guess not accomplishing it is disheartening.
But. Dude. If you just take a second and look up at where you are now, you have everything you wanted BUT that, which I think is a darn good effort! There are many of us that go through life not accomplishing our dreams. You tried yours, and although you didn't complete it, it gave you a great jump start on life.
So I guess my advice is, don't get caught up in it and don't look back. You are still so young and have so many other things to do. Not everyone can be a pro gamer. And btw, the MAJORITY that are have a hard life and earn very little...and if they don't make it big after spending 10+ hours a day on their machine, they have limited places to go afterwards.
Making it to pro gamer status is challenging, don't be disheartened if you fall short. It takes unbelievable dedication and courage; which many of us don't have.
Just take this as a learning experience, as hard as it may seem. Things are always looking up, and just take each day as it comes. Not all of us can be successful at pro gaming, but we can all be successful at life if we are willing to be happy
I think this video sums it up well... It is heart breaking when you see a kid and thought to yourself I used to be like that with all dreams and hope...
Ever since I read this, I've been thinking about it in the back of my mind. I'm kind of going the same thing, although my dream wasn't to become a progamer.
Would you mind if I made a short film based on this story?
I think this video sums it up well... It is heart breaking when you see a kid and thought to yourself I used to be like that with all dreams and hope...
Wow all of these replies are also giving me this sort of...nostalgic/wistful feeling >.<
That song is really good...looking it up, it a gives the same sort of feeling and idea...
I'm just a lurker but this blog really got me too. Really well written and very sad. The looming "death" of broodwar feels like part of me is dying too. But broodwar will never die, it lives on in all of us.
Pubbanana, As someone who was here when you were active I immediately remember you and what your online persona on TL was like. I don't know you personally or remember the exact things you posted but I can remember you were a really cool contributing member to this site and to BW progaming. Your posts were almost never nonsense and were always fun to read.
As an ethnic korean who routinely bashes on translators here and translation works done, I can say now without any pretense or bullshit that I seriously thought you were korean. That's it, you fooled me, and hopefully i can convey this point without trying to make it about me but wow holy shit when I read you weren't even korean that blew my mind. You even posted like a korean. Reading how determined you were to become what you dreamed to be gave me chills.
This really hit close to home for a lot of people I think, because a lot of us like me are the same age as you, and had some variant of the progamer dream. As for the issues outside of starcraft like your sister, life experiences, who you are today.....I can appreciate what you wrote and respect it for what it is.
Take care. I hope you find the desire to live life like back then when nobody knew.
10 years from now you'll be thanking god that you spent those years with people, girls, and living your life and not spending 16 hours a day playing starcraft.
On August 26 2012 11:01 rogzardo wrote: 10 years from now you'll be thanking god that you spent those years with people, girls, and living your life and not spending 16 hours a day playing starcraft.
I don't think so. I think he won't have as much regret as his post portrays now, yet I think he will still wonder a bit if he couldn't have made it. Everybody has life, this was a dream he lived for a while.
Nice write up. But how can u call ur sister the C word? :o
EDIT! Ok, nvm my comment. I read the WHOLE thing now. <3<3 Ur 24 dood Ur young and can do anything u want still! I know what you mean tho. "Life" takes over ur everyday exisitence and there is no time or space for dreams or teenage pursuits. And that's why in ur free time, you just have to pursue them in any shape or fashion. I'm 31 and I use free time on Sc2, reading and card tricks cos that's all I liked to do as a kid (and play with toy cars, but that's looked down upon now :/).
I salute your courage and discipline. Many people claim to have dreams, but few can actually bite down and truly pursue a dream as fiercely as you did. You are amazing.
I understand that you're coming from a bit of a negative place, with the recent news of violet passing away and bw fading to an end. I've had my tough moments with it.
Now it might sound cliché, but what if sc had never been made. Would we have all been fans of something different? Probably. But it wouldn'tve been as dope as bw. So be fucking happy we've had the pleasure to witness the rise and fall of such an amazing universe, and take it with you for life. Always remember that our greatest pains in life come from the fact that we hold a certain belief of immortality in all the things around us. Once they do end up disappearing, we're angered and confused. But everything is transient- so accept the fact that people come and go, games come and go, communities come and go and also dreams come and go.
So instead of being sad because a source of happiness seems to be fading away, remember all the good stuff you learned from this amazing game! Hell, sc has helped me be better at tons of stuff so far, I'm sure of that. Just hang on to those memories, they're one of the most real part of our identities.
It was emotional and dramatic read, but fact is, you're better off now than you were few years ago. Following this dream, you became a better man, physically and socially. The fact that you believe that pro-gaming dream is either lost or no longer possible is no different than everyone who had dreams of what they could be or achieve in your age. It's normal. It's natural. It's supposed to happen as your life and the world around you develops. This happens to everyone.
Most likely in a few years when you've become more mature and enter into the adult life, you'll look back and say "Thank fucking god I didn't keep chasing that progaming dream". I understand why you would be sad, but this isn't something you should be sad nor brood on for more than a week.
Get on with your life. Your'e a better person than you were few years ago. The only thing you lose is chasing that dream, an abstract idea generated by your mind. You lost nothing in reality (well okay, your virginity maybe), but if you ride on this misery you'll indeed lose something in your life.
This is some pretty powerful stuff. I too know what it's like to follow a dream, have it slowly fade away and think nothing of it at the time, and then look back feeling nothing but regret. I know that it's tough and even I'm at a point where I'm 24 now with no idea where I'm headed, but I do my best not to let it get me down. I know that i'll find something else that's right for me.
Well-written but the "no one knows" repetition was a little over-dramatic. I hope you realize that the true beauty of your Starcraft dream was that it showed you what you are capable of when you are self-motivated. As I have grown older, I've learned that it doesn't matter if you don't achieve your childhood dream as long as you learn what true motivation makes you capable of and you use that to achieve your adult goals. If you don't have any, then find what would make you happiest in this world and go after it with that same drive.
Good luck. If you were capable of everything you claim in this article, you are capable of anything. =D And you can still enjoy Starcraft along the way.
Great post. This just proves the old adage: Do what makes YOU happy. Typically you hear the emphasis on the happy. But to me that's implied. If you choose to do something that doesn't make you HAPPY then that's your own damned fault. In this case you found other things to fulfill you. Don't underestimate the social needs of a human being, they are strong. Obviously Sustenance and Shelter are the most important needs, but everyone needs to have social interactions, whether that be with your family(sister) or friends(other girls) bottom line is, we all need some human connection. Of course you can find that through starcraft, but you don't have to.
Don't be sad because you chose a life that was going to give you what humans need. You see the other path as one to SC2 Progamer fame. But solitude and loneliness can lead to depression, which is obviously not good.
And also don't be sad because, as the great Led Zeppelin song goes 'There are two paths you can go by, but in long run, there's still time to change the road you're on'
I don't think i have ever read anything like this. I am deeply moved.
I also can relate to some big extend to your fading dream. I had one when i was 13 and now at 31 it is gone.
But (and this is a big one), remember that it is not about the destination but about the voyage that you make to get there. Your dream improved you, it made you evolve, this is what you should keep from the story. Look at it out of the box of your personality, as some 3rd person. It does not matter that you could not get there in the end, in never does, truly.
I myself found a new goal in life, the Nobel prize in physics. Aim high and work hard, you how.
I have lol'd myself to sleep that so many people are 'deeply moved' by this.
It's a god damn video game. This dude actually left his house to go meet girls and go to parties. He made the right decision. If he had stayed in his apartment, by himself, playing starcraft all day, then he'd have a real reason to lament broken dreams and a wasted youth.
On August 29 2012 10:59 rogzardo wrote: I have lol'd myself to sleep that so many people are 'deeply moved' by this.
It's a god damn video game. This dude actually left his house to go meet girls and go to parties. He made the right decision. If he had stayed in his apartment, by himself, playing starcraft all day, then he'd have a real reason to lament broken dreams and a wasted youth.
Was he asked to remove this or did he do it for some reason? Man I have been talking about this post with everyoine and was really relating a lot. Wish I had saved it now...
The OP's dream of becoming a pro SC player and all the work he put in towards it was really inspirational and changed the way I try to follow my own dreams.
On August 30 2012 08:17 Priapus wrote: Was he asked to remove this or did he do it for some reason? Man I have been talking about this post with everyoine and was really relating a lot. Wish I had saved it now...
This may have been the reason why he deleted all his posts. The "video games are for losers" mentality spewed by this poster completely missed the point of the blog and mocked the dream that the OP spent much of his youth trying to achieve.
On August 29 2012 10:59 rogzardo wrote: I have lol'd myself to sleep that so many people are 'deeply moved' by this.
It's a god damn video game. This dude actually left his house to go meet girls and go to parties. He made the right decision. If he had stayed in his apartment, by himself, playing starcraft all day, then he'd have a real reason to lament broken dreams and a wasted youth.
On August 29 2012 10:59 rogzardo wrote: I have lol'd myself to sleep that so many people are 'deeply moved' by this.
It's a god damn video game. This dude actually left his house to go meet girls and go to parties. He made the right decision. If he had stayed in his apartment, by himself, playing starcraft all day, then he'd have a real reason to lament broken dreams and a wasted youth.
Now everyone can enjoy your perspective.
Don't let one person get to you, I read most of the comments and wanted to read it :/
I'm sorry for deleting it, everyone. It's been a crazy few days for all of us here in the community. When I read what that fucking animal wrote about how "it's a goddamn video game", it sent me into a blind rage and I was wrong for deleting it because, in a way, I was taking it out on all of you instead of just that one individual.
Sadness and anger are never more than an arm's length apart.
I'm sorry for deleting it, everyone. It's been a crazy few days for all of us here in the community. When I read what that fucking animal wrote about how "it's a goddamn video game", it sent me into a blind rage and I was wrong for deleting it because, in a way, I was taking it out on all of you instead of just that one individual.
Sadness and anger are never more than an arm's length apart.
I posted it back, by the way.
It is so apparent through your emotionally charged language that broodwar is much more to you than just a game, and it is to me too. i truly relate to the part where you say "it makes it easier to navigate my life". It is so comforting to mix onesself with the lights and electronic fervour that come to life in a VOD. And to know as well that all of this excitement is a video game, one of the best things on earth to a young person( usual male) of our generation. To appreciate true mastery and realize you can work towards that and have fun at the same time! what an opportunity!
I remember the first night i moved to a city away from my family for the first time and when i needed comfort i tried to find my bearings with broodwar. The same thing happened to me when i got too stoned one night, i tried to get to something that i know i can trust.. that was broodwar.
The truth IS just a game. I have heard a worker from blizzard say "we never anticipated stuff like hot key cycling." That does not change that Korea and the competitive scene made it into much more than a game. It became a way of life, a dream. In my opinion, it ought to be separate from real life. If you read the post clearly, its not about starcraft, its about a young man learning how to follow a dream and grow from it.
Truth hurts? It IS a video game. No matter how significant it is to you doesn't change that.
I praised you for getting out of your apartment, being social, and generally living a healthy life. Obsessions and dreams are great, and we all watch ours fade as we get older and realize we won't attain them. The difference for you is, now you've also developed as a person, learned social skills, and experienced a broader view of life.
Think how shitty it would be if you hadn't done that, and had stayed home, alone, playing starcraft all day. Odds are you'd know a lot less about yourself, would have missed out on ever having a hope of having a healthy romantic relationship, and would be further behind on whatever career path you're currently on.
There is no inherent good in video games other than they are entertaining.
EDIT: And this is coming from somebody who plays a shit ton of starcraft.
On August 31 2012 07:16 rogzardo wrote: Truth hurts? It IS a video game. No matter how significant it is to you doesn't change that.
I praised you for getting out of your apartment, being social, and generally living a healthy life. Obsessions and dreams are great, and we all watch ours fade as we get older and realize we won't attain them. The difference for you is, now you've also developed as a person, learned social skills, and experienced a broader view of life.
Think how shitty it would be if you hadn't done that, and had stayed home, alone, playing starcraft all day. Odds are you'd know a lot less about yourself, would have missed out on ever having a hope of having a healthy romantic relationship, and would be further behind on whatever career path you're currently on.
There is no inherent good in video games other than they are entertaining.
EDIT: And this is coming from somebody who plays a shit ton of starcraft.
Don't listen to this guy. Starcraft is what you make of it, and if he wants to make it a meaningless nothing that he wastes time on, let him.
You made it something more. You made a new sort of life out of it, and that is what stirred my emotions while reading. In the end, you were writing about a dream, not about a game. Don't worry about the people that have never dreamed the way you did. They don't know anything.
On August 31 2012 07:16 rogzardo wrote: Truth hurts? It IS a video game. No matter how significant it is to you doesn't change that.
I praised you for getting out of your apartment, being social, and generally living a healthy life. Obsessions and dreams are great, and we all watch ours fade as we get older and realize we won't attain them. The difference for you is, now you've also developed as a person, learned social skills, and experienced a broader view of life.
Think how shitty it would be if you hadn't done that, and had stayed home, alone, playing starcraft all day. Odds are you'd know a lot less about yourself, would have missed out on ever having a hope of having a healthy romantic relationship, and would be further behind on whatever career path you're currently on.
There is no inherent good in video games other than they are entertaining.
EDIT: And this is coming from somebody who plays a shit ton of starcraft.
Who are you to decide what has any inherent good or bad?
Hey man, I wish I could relate to you. Truth is, I cant. I have to say though that this was amazing. It's not everyday that you read a blog that is written well enough to think about your humanity. 5/5 sir. It's never too old to pursue your dreams. I can't see starcraft 2 going down. Only way to go is up. ;]
It's almost drained me of mental energy not to respond directly to the evangelists of mediocrity above, but OP, you're the person whose thoughts deserve attention here.
I don't know if reading this will help, but someone knows.
Someone knows what it's like to have had a dream that no one in their "real" world could comprehend, let alone accept without judgement and condescension.
Someone understands the secret joy that comes from each incremental step taken towards the fulfillment of that dream, and the hidden anguish that lingers years after trading it for the life one ought to want, the point at which most people would have disregarded it as a childish fantasy.
I know that someone exists, because that someone is me. From my perspective, your post was evidence that someone else can fathom that feeling, and if someone like that exists, maybe there are sometwo, or even somethree. Don't get me wrong, this reply isn't an exposition of schadenfreude, rather, an expression of comfort in knowing that, even if the people I'm fortunate enough to call my friends can't empathize, I'm not alone. And neither are you.
On August 29 2012 10:59 rogzardo wrote: I have lol'd myself to sleep that so many people are 'deeply moved' by this.
It's a god damn video game. This dude actually left his house to go meet girls and go to parties. He made the right decision. If he had stayed in his apartment, by himself, playing starcraft all day, then he'd have a real reason to lament broken dreams and a wasted youth.
If this was about WoW, then perhaps you were right. But when someone tries to compete and be the best, it is never a waste of time. But i guess, there are people who are competitive and those who are not..
If someone can climb to the top in starcraft, then this person can do the same in every other aspect of life. this is what western philosophy is all about, taking on new challenges and pushing your boundaries, doing this is NEVER bad.
ps: to the OP....its never to late. even if you can only play 1 hour each day...if you do this every day consitently you will still have more games played then the average high master leaguer.
On August 29 2012 10:59 rogzardo wrote: I have lol'd myself to sleep that so many people are 'deeply moved' by this.
It's a god damn video game. This dude actually left his house to go meet girls and go to parties. He made the right decision. If he had stayed in his apartment, by himself, playing starcraft all day, then he'd have a real reason to lament broken dreams and a wasted youth.
If this was about WoW, then perhaps you were right. But when someone tries to compete and be the best, it is never a waste of time. But i guess, there are people who are competitive and those who are not..
If someone can climb to the top in starcraft, then this person can do the same in every other aspect of life. this is what western philosophy is all about, taking on new challenges and pushing your boundaries, doing this is NEVER bad.
ps: to the OP....its never to late. even if you can only play 1 hour each day...if you do this every day consitently you will still have more games played then the average high master leaguer.
It is bad if you sacrifice things that are important for an end result that has no benefit. Sacrificing relationships, work, and health for a shot to make a relatively small amount of money makes sense? There's a reason that almost nobody older than early 20's does this. It sucks.
On September 01 2012 09:30 EdgeSC wrote: logged in just to comment, it takes balls of steels of a real man to speak up like this, and i give my respect to you for that.
I wanted to second that and also:
I am nearly an adult (which I define as > 30), and I have put a number of dreams to rest in the past. Having regrets from time to time is fine and it is a beautiful way to articulate them in a way that people can share. But in general:
there are no real regrets, only memories. You had something special, find something special new. It is somewhere around you now
A beautifully written piece, your story is both inspirational, and saddening at the same time. The best of luck to you in finding yourself and where you truly want to be in life.
On August 31 2012 07:16 rogzardo wrote: Truth hurts? It IS a video game. No matter how significant it is to you doesn't change that.
I praised you for getting out of your apartment, being social, and generally living a healthy life. Obsessions and dreams are great, and we all watch ours fade as we get older and realize we won't attain them. The difference for you is, now you've also developed as a person, learned social skills, and experienced a broader view of life.
Think how shitty it would be if you hadn't done that, and had stayed home, alone, playing starcraft all day. Odds are you'd know a lot less about yourself, would have missed out on ever having a hope of having a healthy romantic relationship, and would be further behind on whatever career path you're currently on.
There is no inherent good in video games other than they are entertaining.
EDIT: And this is coming from somebody who plays a shit ton of starcraft.
Don't be so fucking stupid.
This blog isn't just about BroodWar, it's about something more universal. It's about the balance between giving up your life to achieve your dreams or letting that dream slip to fit in with everyone else and 'socialise' whilst living an inevitably normal and perhaps unfulfilling life. The regret comes from knowing that you could have achieved something that other people won't be able to, and the question that stems is: was the normal life worth it?
Would you say that sportsmen, or indeed almost anyone who has achieved success, 'wasted their youth' because instead of going out partying they worked to achieve their dream. No, me neither. In fact, that's probably the reason why sportsmen are revered - normal people realise they didn't have the dedication to get there, instead, they are sat on their sofas wishing they could swap lifes.
In this way, your view is very narrow and frustrating. It doesn't matter whether your dream is about becoming a progamer, an astronaut or to appear in the olympics. They all require sacrifice, and I know for me personally that if in the end I don't achieve my dreams, I will always have a bit of bitterness because like the OP I would realise that I would only be doing whatever I'm doing because I wasn't where I actually wanted to be. This is why the blog has such an emotional impact on a lot of readers - they've reached an age where they can no longer achieve certain dreams, and can only reflect on the what could have been.
On August 31 2012 07:16 rogzardo wrote: Truth hurts? It IS a video game. No matter how significant it is to you doesn't change that.
I praised you for getting out of your apartment, being social, and generally living a healthy life. Obsessions and dreams are great, and we all watch ours fade as we get older and realize we won't attain them. The difference for you is, now you've also developed as a person, learned social skills, and experienced a broader view of life.
Think how shitty it would be if you hadn't done that, and had stayed home, alone, playing starcraft all day. Odds are you'd know a lot less about yourself, would have missed out on ever having a hope of having a healthy romantic relationship, and would be further behind on whatever career path you're currently on.
There is no inherent good in video games other than they are entertaining.
EDIT: And this is coming from somebody who plays a shit ton of starcraft.
Don't be so fucking stupid.
This blog isn't just about BroodWar, it's about something more universal. It's about the balance between giving up your life to achieve your dreams or letting that dream slip to fit in with everyone else and 'socialise' whilst living an inevitably normal and perhaps unfulfilling life. The regret comes from knowing that you could have achieved something that other people won't be able to, and the question that stems is: was the normal life worth it?
Would you say that sportsmen, or indeed almost anyone who has achieved success, 'wasted their youth' because instead of going out partying they worked to achieve their dream. No, me neither. In fact, that's probably the reason why sportsmen are revered - normal people realise they didn't have the dedication to get there, instead, they are sat on their sofas wishing they could swap lifes.
In this way, your view is very narrow and frustrating. It doesn't matter whether your dream is about becoming a progamer, an astronaut or to appear in the olympics. They all require sacrifice, and I know for me personally that if in the end I don't achieve my dreams, I will always have a bit of bitterness because like the OP I would realise that I would only be doing whatever I'm doing because I wasn't where I actually wanted to be. This is why the blog has such an emotional impact on a lot of readers - they've reached an age where they can no longer achieve certain dreams, and can only reflect on the what could have been.
Except here the dream is to sit by yourself in an apartment clicking away on your comptuer for 16 hours a day. Inspiring.
Of course, thats if you're lucky, and made it out of your parent's basement.
On August 31 2012 07:16 rogzardo wrote: Truth hurts? It IS a video game. No matter how significant it is to you doesn't change that.
I praised you for getting out of your apartment, being social, and generally living a healthy life. Obsessions and dreams are great, and we all watch ours fade as we get older and realize we won't attain them. The difference for you is, now you've also developed as a person, learned social skills, and experienced a broader view of life.
Think how shitty it would be if you hadn't done that, and had stayed home, alone, playing starcraft all day. Odds are you'd know a lot less about yourself, would have missed out on ever having a hope of having a healthy romantic relationship, and would be further behind on whatever career path you're currently on.
There is no inherent good in video games other than they are entertaining.
EDIT: And this is coming from somebody who plays a shit ton of starcraft.
Don't be so fucking stupid.
This blog isn't just about BroodWar, it's about something more universal. It's about the balance between giving up your life to achieve your dreams or letting that dream slip to fit in with everyone else and 'socialise' whilst living an inevitably normal and perhaps unfulfilling life. The regret comes from knowing that you could have achieved something that other people won't be able to, and the question that stems is: was the normal life worth it?
Would you say that sportsmen, or indeed almost anyone who has achieved success, 'wasted their youth' because instead of going out partying they worked to achieve their dream. No, me neither. In fact, that's probably the reason why sportsmen are revered - normal people realise they didn't have the dedication to get there, instead, they are sat on their sofas wishing they could swap lifes.
In this way, your view is very narrow and frustrating. It doesn't matter whether your dream is about becoming a progamer, an astronaut or to appear in the olympics. They all require sacrifice, and I know for me personally that if in the end I don't achieve my dreams, I will always have a bit of bitterness because like the OP I would realise that I would only be doing whatever I'm doing because I wasn't where I actually wanted to be. This is why the blog has such an emotional impact on a lot of readers - they've reached an age where they can no longer achieve certain dreams, and can only reflect on the what could have been.
Except here the dream is to sit by yourself in an apartment clicking away on your comptuer for 16 hours a day. Inspiring.
Irrelevant.
I'm also banning you.
Edit: And since some of you are idiots, I guess you need it spelled out for you: the point is that we're all happier when we have a dream/goal/aim in life. Doesn't matter what it is.
Man this was heartbreaking. I admire what you did and for sharing your story. Keep finding new goals. "we're all happier when we have a dream/goal/aim in life." is so true.
Thank you for sharing your dreams and passion with us. No matter the dream I love hearing what people are passionate about and I know how hard it is to tell people because your afraid of those people who will laugh at it and put you down. Don't let other people dictate your dream or your choices by fearing what they will say or think. Thank you again for sharing and even from this small thing I feel like I know you.
Someone who is still chasing a dream, ~Keegan ~YourGoodFriend
On August 31 2012 07:16 rogzardo wrote: Truth hurts? It IS a video game. No matter how significant it is to you doesn't change that.
I praised you for getting out of your apartment, being social, and generally living a healthy life. Obsessions and dreams are great, and we all watch ours fade as we get older and realize we won't attain them. The difference for you is, now you've also developed as a person, learned social skills, and experienced a broader view of life.
Think how shitty it would be if you hadn't done that, and had stayed home, alone, playing starcraft all day. Odds are you'd know a lot less about yourself, would have missed out on ever having a hope of having a healthy romantic relationship, and would be further behind on whatever career path you're currently on.
There is no inherent good in video games other than they are entertaining.
EDIT: And this is coming from somebody who plays a shit ton of starcraft.
Don't be so fucking stupid.
This blog isn't just about BroodWar, it's about something more universal. It's about the balance between giving up your life to achieve your dreams or letting that dream slip to fit in with everyone else and 'socialise' whilst living an inevitably normal and perhaps unfulfilling life. The regret comes from knowing that you could have achieved something that other people won't be able to, and the question that stems is: was the normal life worth it?
Would you say that sportsmen, or indeed almost anyone who has achieved success, 'wasted their youth' because instead of going out partying they worked to achieve their dream. No, me neither. In fact, that's probably the reason why sportsmen are revered - normal people realise they didn't have the dedication to get there, instead, they are sat on their sofas wishing they could swap lifes.
In this way, your view is very narrow and frustrating. It doesn't matter whether your dream is about becoming a progamer, an astronaut or to appear in the olympics. They all require sacrifice, and I know for me personally that if in the end I don't achieve my dreams, I will always have a bit of bitterness because like the OP I would realise that I would only be doing whatever I'm doing because I wasn't where I actually wanted to be. This is why the blog has such an emotional impact on a lot of readers - they've reached an age where they can no longer achieve certain dreams, and can only reflect on the what could have been.
Except here the dream is to sit by yourself in an apartment clicking away on your comptuer for 16 hours a day. Inspiring.
Irrelevant.
I'm also banning you.
Edit: And since some of you are idiots, I guess you need it spelled out for you: the point is that we're all happier when we have a dream/goal/aim in life. Doesn't matter what it is.
If anyone took anything else besides this away from the blog, then they are stupid. Having a dream, or a goal gives you an unrivaled level of motivation. To lose that dream, that purpose, regardless of what it is almost devoids the meaning of your life. There is minimal if any purpose if you don't have a dream. I'd rather chase a dream that's unattainable or crazy, then never chase a dream at all.
EPT
