EPTA wave of terror has descended upon the sleepy northern-California Suburb known as Roseville. A masked man that local authorities have dubbed “Johnny Appleseed” has struck again to devastating effect.
“We are crossing our t-s and dotting our i-s on this one,” said Police Chief McNeal, “We are on a mission to find this perpetrator and bring him into the cold embrace of justice.”
The latest incident took place early this morning (7:30-8:00 am) while kids arrived at school.
“I was dropping my first grader off at school,” local mother Trisha Placer told the Press Tribune, “ when she pointed out the window and said look mommy they are planting seeds in the grass.”
“ I didn’t think anything of it to be honest.” she admitted - while her eyes welled up with tears.”
What her daughter witnessed that day would be the fifth in a series of attacks on local tranquility.
A tall man (between 6‘8 and 7‘1 according to authorities) ran through the grassy play area normally reserved for freeze tag and Spanish-football with two large sacks hanging from his chest, flinging wildly, handfuls of Red Delicious, Gala, and Granny Smith apple seeds.
Teachers who are suppressed from freely speaking to us, by school administrators and union officials sat by idle watching the chaos ensue. Little did they know what would happen next.
“W-w-we w-w-went outside for re-cess and b-b-b-urdss w-were ever-we-where,” a stuttering first grader told our reporter in an exclusive Press Tribune interview.
“They w-w-were pooping on us.”
Hundreds of grade scholars ranging from kindergarten to third grade ran from their classrooms in a fit of ecstasy known as recess when to their collective horror - thousands upon thousands of freshly fed birds began an aerial campaign rivaling Dresden.
“ I g-got twaped on the ground and I was crying, every b-body was c-crying and the poop was falling and and …” (The complete interview is available at PressTribune.com)
In the three minutes before a student pulled the fire alarm nearly the entire registry of Woodbridge elementary had suffered calamitous defiling and trampling.
The school administration has informed us they have begun offering free counseling and begrudgingly they are covering the hospital expenses of children that were injured during the melee.
For more information on the Johnny Appleseed assailant check our archives for the “New car smell” which details his attack two weeks ago on the Roseville Auto mall.
Keep a vigilant eye open and a phone ready - together we will bring this terrorist to justice.
(edited for grammar and clarity)
