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Meeting N
On my first day of preschool August 1997, I met N. I didn't know what to do. It was completely new. I don't remember much about this, other than my sisters teasing me after I must have told them about her. I like N as much as I thought I could. I was only 4 years old though. So I probably didn't even understand it at the time, but it would be the start of a very long journey. She went to a different kindergarten and elementary school after that, and I would soon have my share of other crushes throughout that time.
Getting to Know N
Soon enough, it was a week before going into 4th grade. I walked with my mom to see the class list. When I saw N on the class list, all I could think about on the walk home was the cupid dance for 4th grade, and the off chance that I would get to be paired with her for a date. That never happened.
What did happen is that we went to the same elementary, middle, and high schools after that. We became closer friends until we finally got to spring break of freshman year, when I asked her on a date to play tennis. She gave me her number.
The Best of N
We talked on the phone for hours every day over spring break. Everything was wonderful. She called me one day, and my sister answered. She asked my sister to talk to me. When she handed the phone to my sister, she covered the phone and said to me, "She definitely likes you."
The Fall of N
I missed my chance. After we had a great time freshman year, I didn't do anything. It would take me until the February of 2009 until I could do anything to show her that I liked her. Twelve years after.
I slipped a note into her locker, confessing how I liked her. I felt that I was sharing a part of myself that was kept hidden for so long. I had finally put the chance of merging my dreams and my real life in the hands of N, as I watched the note fall into her locker, and see it lay there at the bottom.
Three days later, she hadn't said a word to me. I walked up to her, and asked her if we could talk. Part of me knew that she didn't feel the same way, but I was so full of hope I couldn't listen to that part of me. We walked into a hallway, away from our friends. I slowly asked her "Did you get my note?" I knew she did. She nodded her head. Then I asked her "Do you like me?"
"You're really sweet, but no."
I cried non-stop for three days. I had related the concept of love so closely to N, that seeing her reject me was the same as seeing love itself reject me. Something changed in me that day, and that same thing is still in me. Nothing ever feels as important as this moment in my life.
V
So a little more than a year later in 2010, I meet V online. She's nothing great from a shallow standpoint, but she intrigues me. I really felt like I could connect to her. I didn't have any close friends at the time. What started as a friendship slowly changed as she started to flirt with me, and hint at a possible relationship.
We met a total of 4 times in person, and each time I could feel the romance decay. V is still my best friend, but more importantly she briskly became tied to my concept of love.
K
I technically met K before I met V, but I really didn't get to know her before I got close to V. So I'm putting her after. I started to like K in 2010, then asked her out in October of that year. K and I didn't really have a history, other than I had liked her for a long time. Things were really wonderful with K. There's always been doubt with K, but after a night together with her, things would always get better.
Currently, I am dating K. While she tells me so often that she loves me, and I believe I feel the same back as I say I do. However, by my definition I do not love her. My definition of love is N, more precisely perfection, and most importantly, my definition of love lies still in the fantasy world.
Here, this moment
I can't bear to sleep any more. In my dreams, I am never with K. I dismiss all deeper causes for this, and belittle it to just my mind gone free in my sleep. I wake up, and get on my bike. I ride by N's house, and the trail that I saw her last.
I don't know what difference the girl I'm with, or even who I talk to will make. I don't know what difference I can make in the way I am today, if I can ever feel happy with the person I'm with. I don't know what difference there will be if I date another girl, if I will feel the relationship will be any deeper than what it is with K. The only difference I know right now is between the real world and my world of expectations.
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Hm...if you have the time, [re]read The Great Gatsby if you haven't already, and maybe see what you think of it, it sounds randomly very applicable to this entry.
I'm not trying to criticize your worldview and how you've defined love for yourself, etc, but setting some idealized/perfect notion of love will only hurt you and is ultimately pointless. If you were to meet the first girl again one day, she almost certainly would shatter your notions of perfect love, so to speak, and you'd just be left with this image of perfection years ago. Having this type of chip on your shoulder for your entire life isn't something I feel will be healthy for you at all. Your currently relationship already seems be somewhat..."fake" because of this. Just my two cents, I don't want to judge or lambaste you etc, just calling it like I see it.
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Cheer up a bit man, even though girl trouble sucks, but at least it's a minor concern in the grand scheme of things.
It sucks but sometimes love goes unanswered. I wouldn't know of any way to make someone have a change of heart when they seem to be this determined. I also must say that it almost seems that you started to idolize her in a romantic way. If you keep telling yourself you can only be happy with her then you'll never be happy, even IF you get together with her.
Regardless of what the future might hold, it's better to let go. If its meant to be, then maybe it will happen someday. In the mean time, either try to give K. the appreciation she deserves, or break up because you can't love her the way you should.
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On May 25 2012 09:12 Aerisky wrote:
Hm...if you have the time, [re]read The Great Gatsby if you haven't already, and maybe see what you think of it, it sounds randomly very applicable to this entry.
I'm not trying to criticize your worldview and how you've defined love for yourself, etc, but setting some idealized/perfect notion of love will only hurt you and is ultimately pointless. If you were to meet the first girl again one day, she almost certainly would shatter your notions of perfect love, so to speak, and you'd just be left with this image of perfection years ago. Having this type of chip on your shoulder for your entire life isn't something I feel will be healthy for you at all. Your currently relationship already seems be somewhat..."fake" because of this. Just my two cents, I don't want to judge or lambaste you etc, just calling it like I see it.
So that's what the great gatsby was about?
Also why are you blasting him with lambs? Can't you see he's going through enough already?!
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Well no, I said no such thing, but one of the important components of the story was Gatsby's failure to get over this idealized sort of image of this girl...that's how I was taught it at least and it doesn't seem too out of line meh
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On May 25 2012 10:38 Aerisky wrote:
Well no, I said no such thing, but one of the important components of the story was Gatsby's failure to get over this idealized sort of image of this girl...that's how I was taught it at least and it doesn't seem too out of line meh
I was genuinely curious. I read that book for class. Sparknotesed it, and still can't remember what was so special about it. That would have been 5 years ago though.
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On May 25 2012 11:38 obesechicken13 wrote:Show nested quote +On May 25 2012 10:38 Aerisky wrote:
Well no, I said no such thing, but one of the important components of the story was Gatsby's failure to get over this idealized sort of image of this girl...that's how I was taught it at least and it doesn't seem too out of line meh I was genuinely curious. I read that book for class. Sparknotesed it, and still can't remember what was so special about it. That would have been 5 years ago though.
Ah sorry, took offense to that ><
Personally I just enjoyed the novel's prose the most, Fitzgerald I thought had a really good style of writing. Poor Gatsby meets rich girl Daisy, they're separated, for much of Gatby's life he does all this crazy stuff in order to obtain wealth and status and power and finally is reunited with Daisy but Daisy doesn't completely fit the perfect image he created of her, in a nutshell.
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Story of my Life.
Please PM if you figure out what exactly you do to figure this out. I'm not even kidding. I also like this girl N (her name starts with It) and even though M like me I still like N and have this definition. Its almost like you feel like your cheating on N even though she only sees you as a friend. Its fucking confusing.
I'll PM you if i figure anything out.
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You obviously have to move on, N is in the past.
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EPT
