EPThttp://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLA0E26383082F1515
(I have it dled in lossless audio, but this should suffice for here
Starting, i'm 17, have finished high school (with about 3.95 GPA and AP/IB w/e shit classes), gone to college and failed (officially withdrawn) something like 2.5 months ago and living with parents. Don't ask how I failed, it wasn't due to partying or anything you can think of, I just didn't do the work, I don't fully understand it even. I am close-ish to having my drivers license and after I suppose ideally would take 1-2 classes at community college, or maybe internet course, maybe over the summer or fall class. I don't even know. Also volunteering my dad says would be good, I am not being forced into getting a paycheck. I have barely looked into it. Largely because I feel like not having a license means there is no need yet, since I can't get there right? Recently I see how dumb that is for obvious reasons to anybody more life experienced than 17.
What have I done? depending on who you ask, either not much or literally nothing. My parents have taken me to a psychologist to talk once a week, a psychiastrist who has done not much, and have been psychologically tested and am waiting results. It's not what it's cracked up to be, really. I have not been 100% honest, though, more like, uhh 98%? I have pretty much left out starcraft in honesty in 2 ways I think. As much as i like it it DOES have little to do with any behavior problems, since those have been there since before starcraft. I have been dishonest with it twice, when asked by the psychiatrist, if I had a chance to go anywhere/do anything w/e what it would be, I answered I don't know/anything. The correct answer is starcraft, play it, do some chatting in it, but mostly play it, improve at it.
Also
I have read a good bit of philosophy, brave new world, douglas adams' dirk gentley books, and a few other books. I have learned hiragana and mostly katakana, the rules of each, and a couple basic grammar rules of japanese. I have done a few house chores, like clean pool and walk dog, neither of which I plan on having ever myself. I have watched a few hours of anime (maybe 15). I watched my little pony, all of season 2 and a few episodes, which I was behind on. I learned about onion-net and some about computer safety and maintenance. I have idly browsed TL, blogs, and streams etc. I have chatted with my internet friends, many through starcraft. I have, of course, played starcraft, I have no idea how to quantify it, other than probobly at least maybe 3 hours per day average? I feel not enough comparatively, but this is because from near end of summer last year I couldn't play due to technical problems that were randomly fixed after I came home, don't ask. Also, i mean starcraft 2 when i say starcraft.
Playing starcraft is, honestly, my very favorite thing ever. Second to improving and being/getting good/better at it. The happiest recent time I can remember is 2 winters ago, in senior year high school, playing during the break, nonstop. It was glorious. After that would be when I was on team victus and constantly practicing. I don't even remember if high school ended or not, I don't think so. Before technical problems (wierd inconsistant lag that eventually became me lagging 24/8) I was playing and practicing versus people who were nigh grandmaster level about evenly (my friend/rival scrubbles beat time and honor in a clan war iirc). I am now, at most, mid master in terms of skill. I know it is so terribly dumb, but I feel so extremely sad about this, and regretful. Honestly, and I have done this consistently for a month before so I feel like I at least kinda know, I would be HAPPY playing it for 8-10 hours a day as my job. And now? the wireless reciever for my mouse and keyboard broke.
I have not told my parents, and this is probably the first time that I have completely not opened starcraft for more than a day for a month. I still know this is terrible and dumb especially in my situation. I refer you to the start of last paragraph. I have told nobody irl (my parents) about the extent of my starcraft like. I feel it would be extremely imprudent. If I go from here it is me talking of how terrible my parents are and why I feel I must-by emotions, not logic sometimes-be as secretive as possible with them. I will line break this since it is of course not what people may want to read. and make a line break when finished.
I suppose a summary of the main problem is my parents work in extremes terribly. But that is too broad. My main problem is how they go about helping me. It is either take over the situation or do fucking nothing, as I learned recently is an option. Whenever I told them of a paper or whatever they HAD to help as much as possible, many times annoyingly, for example. This is really hard and impossible to explain well. In talking they either don't care (I may be as easily interrupted by basketball scores), I am asking for help/informing of a problem, or they are trying to cause me a panic attack. This last does not mean yelling. I want to talk to them as little as possible, because whatever I say can and, given the chance, will be used against me. Even if I can't explain it really, I do know, for sure, that I would like to abstain talking to them unless I am asking for something.
I could not be BoxeR, and stand up tall to my parents, without even a college degree, and say I just want to play this game, I love it more than anything I have ever done or could dream of doing. Not yet, at least, and maybe never, because maybe I will "grow up" and do something else without ever at least trying.
tzu tzu ii te ku...tzu tzu ii te ku. end of portamento, the last song.
I can't believe I'm uploading such a thing, but maybe this will help. I could make this blog better, but that's that. Internet causes crazy things. I love the internet so very much.
