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I've read Gheed's blog about bronze players and how bad it is to be bronze or whatever, but I don't think there's really anything out there by someone who is legitimately terrible but trying to improve, or failing at improving, or whatever. Think of that as a sociological classic like The Protestant Work Ethic and the Spirit of Captialism, whereas I've always wanted to see something more like Child of the Dark, a gripping tale of woe and poverty written without editing by someone with minimal literacy skills, not unlike myself.
Like any good story about starcraft 2, this begins with a trip to a seedy chipotle.
This looks like a respectable establishment.
After consuming a burrito stuffed with cilantro-lime rice and feeling a little worse for the wear, I begin to think that perhaps starcraft 2 just isn't for me. Here I am, drinking a burrito-joint soda on the corner of loser court and nowhere street. But this isn't how a man is supposed to feel. No, a real man would pick his tin foil off the table, toss his disgusting hipster burrito into the trash, and carve a path for himself through as many Paneras and Willie's Mexicana Grills as necessary. BECAUSE THAT'S. WHAT. MEN. DO. Or they go to a grocery store, whatever.
I started by tanking my way down to bronze, where I'm supposed to be. There's no reason it should have initially put me into gold based on beating two bronze players after being out for a season, but whatever. (Also I feel kinda robbed of the fact that I didn't 'legitimately' move up.)
I was sort of hoping this would take more than four losses
I proceeded to go to the very bottom of Bronze, going as deep as I could go into the stygian abyss. I eventually came to a level of bronze which is populated by three or four people each competing to see how fast they can hit f10-n. It is a dark place, ruled by the dark lord Paul, his consort Vivi, and their child |||||||||||. Having met those beasts repeatedly and come out the victorious loser at every encounter, I determined that I had finally reached the rock bottom. I had mastered losing. Zero MMR.
Every journey begins with one or more steps, and I proceeded to win the next eight games simply by clicking the find match button and then doing absolutely nothing else. How long would it take before I found sentinence in this arid wasteland of bots? Well, nine games. As if in some sort of Mad Max parody, I encountered a true renegade deep in the desert that is Bronze league. We parlayed:
This doesn't happen in real life. Just in public service announcements.
Huh. I taught him something. First try too, and at the very bottom of bronze. The point where you cannot possibly go lower except by active forfeit. I continued onward, using my mouse like a time worn machete. Unfortunately, I mishandled it and managed to cut myself thanks to the magic of hyperhydrosis.
But... there's not supposed to be any bleeding in starcraft
 
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I giggled pretty hard at:
Zoel: I cant larva inject
Renegade: I dont know what that is
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Nicely written, I await eagerly the next part of this.
How'd you do that to your mouse o.O Do you really sweat that much there? That's sort of incredible tbh haha.
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pretty awesome stuff right here :D
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Awesome blog, but why people keep getting to bronze just to do funny things? poor bronzies =(
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On March 16 2012 08:13 Vronti wrote:
Nicely written, I await eagerly the next part of this.
How'd you do that to your mouse o.O Do you really sweat that much there? That's sort of incredible tbh haha.
Well, I have a cold injury residual. I contracted a disease that comes from cold exposure called hyperhydrosis, which basically makes you sweat all the time in just about every situation where you're actively using an extremity. Whenever I'm doing something with my hands they sweat pretty much non-stop, which can make it hard to handle paper, shake hands without creeping someone out, or in this case, keep a plastic mouse in good repair.
If people have any recommendations on extremely durable mice that have a high dpi and don't need to be put in the dishwasher (like a medical mouse), I'd love to hear them. Or a medical mouse that does need to be put in the dishwasher but still has a dpi over 800.
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dude, you belong in bronze. the way you shit on chipotle. you have bronze-class taste buds. ;-) chipotle4life.
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Is that the Chipotle in Hermosa Beach? O.o
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On March 16 2012 08:35 dAPhREAk wrote:
dude, you belong in bronze. the way you shit on chipotle. you have bronze-class taste buds. ;-) chipotle4life.
Welcome to Moe's league!
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pancheros > chipotle > moes > qdoba
I have researched this extensively
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this may end up being amazing or terribly funny, i can't tell yet :O
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On March 16 2012 10:20 ElMacedonian wrote:
ceep it up my friend
My eyes.
._.
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On March 16 2012 16:08 slam wrote:My eyes. ._.
lol skarred for life!
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On March 16 2012 08:31 Zoel wrote:
If people have any recommendations on extremely durable mice that have a high dpi and don't need to be put in the dishwasher (like a medical mouse), I'd love to hear them. Or a medical mouse that does need to be put in the dishwasher but still has a dpi over 800.
Razer Deathadder's seem pretty durable to me. The sides are just plastic instead of that stuff that rubs off. Although, I guess it would get slippery if your hands are sweating. I used to have a Steelseries Ikari Laser and from what I remember it might work well (durable / doesn't get slippery), but don't take my word on it.
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The G9x might work for you. The shape is really unique tho! 
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Haha nicely done man, kinda wish it had been a bit longer but hopefully there will be more parts coming in the future.
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On March 16 2012 10:20 ElMacedonian wrote:
ceep it up my friend
The horror
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On March 16 2012 10:11 Mattchew wrote:
pancheros > chipotle > moes > qdoba
I have researched this extensively
I whole-heartedly disagree!!! We dont have pancheros around here but Qdoba> Chipotle>>>>>> Moes.
Qdoba is better by a small margine but Chipotle is still always delicious. I found everything in this blog to be rather comical except for the burrito-bashing. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to part 2
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On March 16 2012 21:40 Saechiis wrote:The horror!
Oops 
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I don't quite understand, your sweat is corrosive?
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Hrm. You could watch FXOGumiho and learn how he copes with it, but I´m not sure if this is a method for everybody
Praise the towel terran !
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On March 16 2012 21:41 CaptainCrush wrote:Show nested quote +On March 16 2012 10:11 Mattchew wrote:
pancheros > chipotle > moes > qdoba
I have researched this extensively I whole-heartedly disagree!!! We dont have pancheros around here but Qdoba> Chipotle>>>>>> Moes. Qdoba is better by a small margine but Chipotle is still always delicious. I found everything in this blog to be rather comical except for the burrito-bashing. I have to admit that I'm looking forward to part 2
I don't know what Qdoba's are like near where you live, but the Qdoba I went to paled in comparison to Chipotle. The rice was not nearly as tasty, the tortilla felt kinda like stretchy plastic (not the right texture at all), and the other ingredients just didn't taste as good. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy the Qdoba burrito, it just wasn't nearly as good as Chipotle imo. I've only ever been to one individual Qdoba restaurant though, so maybe I should try a different one.
TL;DR Nom nom chipotle!!
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On March 16 2012 10:11 Mattchew wrote:
pancheros > chipotle > moes > qdoba
I have researched this extensively
HERESY!!!!!!! Qdoba>all
Also, I like this blog. It's funny without having to rip bronze players a new one like a certain other person's blog :/
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LOLOL this blog is awesome keep up the good work!!!
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/dVdn3.png)
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