EPTI just played my first 1v1 game in a very long time. Obviously I lost; I wasn't sure about the map or how PvP even works anymore (it was still War of the Worlds...), and I forget how to macro. These are all things that will come with time; the important thing is that I'm playing again.
You might wonder what this has to do with anything. You might also wonder why my 'weekly' blogs seem to only come once per month. Well, the answer is entirely mental and has nothing to do with laziness; I'm afraid of everything. I've known it for a while but I've been afraid to admit it - I'm just damn afraid of the outcome, even when it looks so good. I came to realize this in full when tonight at a meeting a very brave girl spoke about her Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which means that she's prone to panic attacks. I'm not, more or less, but I am prone to monumental self-destruction for reasons seemingly unknown.
1. The Man I'm Capable of Being
I know exactly what I want out of life and exactly how I want myself to be. I am not one of those individuals who prefers to go with the flow of life and end up entirely in a place where I wouldn't have guessed at going; I'll take a million ways to get there but the outcome better be where I originally wanted to go. So far, life has played out exactly as I'd planned it in a general goal sense; I am going to achieve what I wanted to achieve.
What I want on top of that though is all those secondary goals. I want to be good at other things, have a diverse portfolio of interests and talents, and look good too. I want to be the picture of the everyman; the James Bond; the Thomas Crown; the (sober) Tony Stark; somewhat of an Ubermensch (I use that term lightly as I am not at all familiar with Nietzsche). I'm somewhat realistic in that I don't plan on being good at everything, just those things that matter to me.
What is standing in the way though is an awful individual who constantly undermines everything that I do: myself. I am my own worst enemy. I self-destruct at the worst times and barely skirt by when I have the time and the ability to excel to immeasurable heights.
So what's stopping me?
![[image loading]](http://media.animegalleries.net/albums/userpics/107277/tony-stark-pepper-potts.jpg?=123)
The only thing between ourselves and our ideal selves... is ourselves.
2. The Ghosts and the Symptoms
Fear is stopping me, because it is where all my laziness comes from. My laziness is a symptom that is a problem - it is not a self-generated thing. So where does this fear come from? Two things specifically:
The first ghost that haunts me is the constant threat of failure. I failed a term once before and it has delayed my entire life by a year. I don't ever want to do that again, and in my last term doing that would just be heartbreaking (it would also kill my father). What's awful about this fear is that whenever I experience academic hardship I immediately distract myself instead of facing the problem. This leads to insane sessions of not doing any schoolwork, which leads to me being underprepared for tests and the like. This stuff isn't even hard (except Aerodynamics, holy fuck). I guess I'm just so afraid of spending time on the problem and not solving it that I don't even attempt the problem. That can't happen.
Now I said in my last blog that my next will be kind of a girl blog, but I'm actually going to cool it down and just say that my other ghost that haunts me is my failed relationship. It's just a single random failed relationship with a girl who wasn't even good for me in the first place, but the fact that it ended in cheating and the fact that the girl ruined herself so soon afterwards has affected me so deeply that I hasn't left my mind. I've had almost no communication with her in 8 months, and haven't looked at her facebook in a whole year. However, these conflicting feelings of remorse and pure unbridled hate replay over and over in my head all day long.
I think the worst symptom of that is the lack of sleep. In the last week-and-a-half I've pulled two completely unnecessary all-nighters. Last night I went to bed at 1pm and slept 3 hours. Most nights I get less than 6 hours of sleep. I'm doing useless stuff but something in me just doesn't want to go to bed. Once I'm in bed I'm out like a light, but resolving to go to bed is the problem. I feel as if my entire life, mood, and personality would change for the better if I just got 8 hours of sleep a night. School would definitely improve too.
![[image loading]](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c6/Complications_of_insomnia.svg/275px-Complications_of_insomnia.svg.png)
Just look at the psychological effects. Fuck...
3. How I'm Going to Improve
The establishment of routine is paramount. Right now, my routine is: groggily get up, go to class, pay little attention, come home, eat, blow time. That is not in any way how I want to live. That's also why "questing" works when I need it to work; when I'm not home I do much more good because I'm out and about without anything to distract myself with. Being at home is a distraction. So step 0 is basically follow the rules and stick to routine. Blogging every week and playing Starcraft is part of that.
So, step one is to come home only when necessary and realize that academic productivity is 0 when at home. Being at a computer anywhere is just awful. I'm also going to pack a lunch every day - I already have the ingredients. This is when "questing" kicks in and is really effective.
Step two is the most important; sleep. When the clock strikes 12, I'm going to bed. Getting up around 8 leaves me with the entire morning to get quality things done at school or around the house, and it's also a prime time to work out.
The final step is to study in non-distracting environments without a computer. If I'm at a computer, I get nothing done, which is awful because everything is on some online system now... Either way, I print this stuff out because when I'm at a desk in a quiet library and there's nothing else to do I simply do my work.
That's it now. It's high time I was the man I was always capable of being, and I'd like to hit the ground running once I finish school. You are never better than the person you could become, but that doesn't mean that you aren't closer.
[image blocked]
I'll just keep looking at Courage Wolf for inspiration. Except no more of this...
I'll just keep looking at Courage Wolf for inspiration. Except no more of this...
Until next time!
P.S. I can't WAIT until the next episode of Skins! Alo is the best.
Tonight's piece is from C418, the genius minimalist music producer for Minecraft. This is a long one but it has a ton of atmosphere, and it's in keeping with this blog's theme. There's also some shades of Half-Life 2 in parts, at least to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxD6yVYX9bI
