EPTSo, I was sitting all alone in my desk at night and I was doing a homework in Java for a university course. I felt so alone cause the last few months I am studing really hard for university and I don't heve time to do many things apart from reading. I can skip reading and take low grades but I like the thinks that I am learning and I wanna to become good. I don't want to make money or be famous, I just need to do something usefull. Something good for everyone. I know that I will make it one day, but there is an excange for that, to be alone.
Many times my friends called me to go out but I coulden't cause I had a homework to do or to study. And even though I have not much time for myself, I am still trying to find some time to help my brother with starcraft. He really likes that game and I really love him very much so I am finding time to help him to become better. I don't regret for the moments that I could be out and instead I am staying in trying to understand the game better and then explain it to my brother. I even try to buy him a good new monitor, and I am happy when I see him happy. But now I feel so lonely.
I used to play music when I was young with my friends, but I skipped that too for study. And even though I was playing rock music with my band, I also liked jazz and I have played a few easy songs with my bass. So this song creates so many feelings and thoughts in me that I can't explain with just words. They are something else.
And Christmas are comming, and even though I like Christmas I don't feel very happy roght now cause there are many things around me that I don't like. And I don't know if I can change them ever even the little things. I don't know if I could ever have the strength to do so or maybe when I will have the strength if I will feel the same.
And when I am hearing to that song, I imagine a snowed mountain. Snowed trees too. I like snow, I am happy that in my town in winter snows. When I was a little boy, I was staring from my bedroom's windows outside with the light off. It was snowing and it was soooo beautifull. So calm. So magical.
And I have a girlfriend. And I am waiting for her now but I don't want her to come till I finish this. She is leaving in two week to go to Sweeden for 3 months and I think that I can't go to see her cause I have exams in Febrouary and I need to study before. I will miss her very much and maybe thats another reason why I am feeling aline right now.
But there are worst things in this world. And I am happy that I am good in my health (as far as I know) and that I have a familly that loves me and I love them too. You know, there are people out there that have lost (and they are still loosing) their childrens and famillies for many reasons, from drugs till war. So, I am happy. And there are so many peaiple out there that are not doing well with their families, or with people that was close to them once. And that is bad too. But how happy can I be when so many people, maybe not so close to me, but around me for sure are dying around me, or beeing alone just like myself.
Or maybe, I can accept that, accept that death is a part of our lives (wich ineed is) and be happy again. But no, still I am not happy. Maybe is that song. Maybe that I am melancholyc myself. Maybe that I always found pleasure being alone. Or maybe I am just seeing the bad side always.
I am not a pesimistic person. I know that things can be better and when it comes to my hand I am trying to make things better. Not always, but I am trying. And I want to become a better person every day. But is hard. It's very hard. But I wanna try. I don't wanna be like someone who cares for nothing.
So to keep this sort I will close now as this song is ending (for the 50th's time). I have many things to tell I hope to find time soon to tell more. So, one last thought for Christmas. Some of us (maybe all of us, I hope) will be with their families, their friend these Christmas, while others will be alone. Maybe if we all try to be together, we will all be a little happier! A little less lonely!
(Sorry for my English)
