EPTThe thought of leaving is supposed to make people nervous and worry, but for some reason I don’t. I used to. Actually, I worried about a week ago about what would happen and what would change. I didn’t know what it would be like to really take that first step and leave home. However, the place just doesn’t feel like home to me anymore. It is just a house. Albeit a house with people I like, but still just a house. It is the house that I grew up in. It is still the place where my four friends would occasionally be, but it just isn’t home anymore. I guess that this has been happening for some time. Honestly, my mentality started changing probably before I even noticed.
It simply isn’t home anymore and that makes me worry. I feel like I don’t really have a home right now. I feel like I don’t have a place where I belong. I don’t have a place where I really fit in around here. All I am around here now is the person that everyone looks at and says “He’s leaving soon.” Then they turn to me and say “Are you nervous?” and my response is always no. I haven’t been nervous. I never really was nervous. I never was worried. What really annoys me is that it is the same four people that always ask that. They always ask are you nervous? They never ask why did you join or do you regret joining. They never ask how long do you plan on staying in. No, they just ask “Are you nervous?” Day in and day out that has become all I hear from everyone. That is all I hear from my friends. That is all I hear from my family. I only hear the same mind numbing question over and over and all I can give in response is that same mind numbing and pointless answer. No, I’m not nervous.
I’m not writing this because I’m nervous. I’m writing this because I’m sad. I’m writing this because I know I’m not home anymore. I don’t even know where home is anymore. I don’t even know if I will find a home and that makes me sad. I don’t worry, I just get sad. I’ve started to think of it kind of a like a good book. You get through the part where the protagonist has a happy time and the next chapter is “Things Change” or “The challenge ahead” or maybe even “He marches toward death”. You know that the character in the book that you’ve just come to know and appreciate and maybe even love is about to change. He is about to change in ways that he doesn’t know. He is about to change in ways that you don’t know, and maybe in ways that the author didn’t know.
I like to read a lot. I read a lot of books and I think that those books are what I’m going to miss the most for the two months of basic. I know what you’re about to think. “Oh, two months that isn’t a big deal.” Personally, I think that two months is a big deal. What if I don’t love the characters in the books anymore? What if I outgrow them when I’m without them? So, maybe I do worry. I worry that my imaginary friends won’t still be my friends anymore after I’m done. Maybe I should be afraid of losing them, but I don’t know why I’m afraid of losing only them. I look now and see that I actually have so much. I have friends and a family that loves me but I don’t worry about losing them. I only worry about my books. I only worry about Harry Potter and Aragorn. I don’t worry about my mom or dad. I am worried that suddenly Percy Jackson won’t be important not my little sister that is about to go into highschool. I worry about D’Artagnan but not my brother in college.
I guess, that I do worry, but I don’t worry about the people close to me. I know that they will be fine. I worry that I will change and suddenly I won’t be the person that they worry about. That is the thing that I don’t want to happen. So, it is with a heavy heart that I leave what I’ve come to understand as safety. I’ve come to understand that I won’t be harmed here. I’ve come to know these streets and the people that walk them. However, I’ve learned something from my imaginary friends and my real friends. I’ve learned that no good life or story begins with Happily Ever After. So, that is all I have to say. Thank you for reading, or not, I wrote more than I had intended so if you read it I hope you enjoyed me rambling. It made sense in my head at least. I hope that one day you all take a similar jump if you haven’t already.
