EPT*******************************
The man across from me was a powerful man, likely a special ops.
"What can I do for you?"
"Jimmy, I mean my name is Jimmy." I'm actually Findlay, but I went with the flow and slipped him a card with just my number on it.
"Oh, I'm Val Mengsk. I manage the executive branch here at Dominion..." He seemed to be initiating speech, but I stole his thunder, being eager to go for early cheese. I've really come a long way with my resume and the phone interview, and I was not going to let this chance slip by against such a worthy opponent.
"Alright kid, your place is bigger than I thought. Let me show you how to run this place. I would really like to use my veteran experience as a Starcraft gaming addict for work."
"Okay, tell me more about your work experience, Jimmy." His smile froze in an odd fashion and it greatly disserviced his plastic surgeon. I had to assume I nailed the intro, even with the badass "Alright kid" opener - Shock and Awe. Clearly I have achieved the Shock; now I just need the Awe. The gamer knows that unproductive panic is worse than being behind. So I continued.
“For the last six months, I stayed up every night till early morning to learn all the secrets this universe had to offer, and eventually found my Actions per Minute reaching a plateau. That's when I started taking hotkey lessons from the legendary Destiny, a grandmaster from a planet in the distant galaxy called Earth. He is currently unavailable for references, due to his futuristic work, liberating the Zerg swarm. Anyways, I can show you how these lessons of resourcefulness can be applicable to this opening for Chief Executive of Strategic Positioning. As a current example, I have macroed my home number on 'X' and can supply an office with instant delivery drive-by from covert female operatives. This button is customized to only work for me or for anyone else who can press it ten times a second as only men with such foreplay skills are deemed worthy by the service. As such, I can provide the exclusive macro-management service beyond your company's wildest dreams."
"Did you enjoy this macro thing? Where did you go with it?" He seemed unable to hide the hint of a smile in the corners of his eye and scowled immensely. Our eyes met intensely as if there were two painted calldown nuclear strikes rimming my pupils - and there probably were after my twenty-four hour gaming stint last night. He knew what macro-management meant when it comes to unrelenting eye contact. Not a moment was lost. I continued my pitch.
"Mhm. That's right! I can macro. Not only that, but my Starcraft experience left me with critical thinking abilities. First, I can make snap-second high-level decisions and metagame my opponent. Second, the game has also taught be how to lead a team."
"Yes, I have read yesterday on your resume many stars of valor"
"Those are my platinum rankings in 2v2 and 3v3. However, I usually end with a team who goes mass marines. Between dying slowly and getting baneling busted, we still leave with a great commaraderie between me and my internet soul brothers. I know how to make the best out of a bad situation."
"So how would you lead in our company?" His face limboed from a near-tears look to a wistful desire. Either he recalled the purgatory of his own Bronze days (Starcraft, after all, was very popular) or I have myself walled off in Jawaese. I sensed I had time ticking against me, and it was time to go 1A2A3A with everything I had. So I made my last push as a proud Starcraft-inspired worker.
"As for the future, you can upgrade me to 0/3 - the maximum pay grade for a worker. You can check this fact on Teamliquid. Translation: Zero out of three projects means being able to pull off full salaried performance while surviving zergling harass. As a Starcraft addict, I can even add snoring to sooth the ambience of the work place and join in the productive chorus of my colleagues. At the end of each work day, when I am good to go, I would leave early and read to my sleeping comrades the 'Destiny Cloud Build' for extra motivation, so that when they wake up, they can instantly start building starships. Late at night, I would keep on training for tournaments and experience multiple screen-induced orgasms from the tiny portait of the love of my life. In fact, I've found my wife in Starcraft loading on many an opponent... Sarah?! OowoaHH!! Kablaam! Booey! Shudder! This is why working for such a brutal achiever as yourself would really interest me."
I landed outside the door as the interview went up in a blast and my throbbing punk drowned out my last requite. How's that for whoopass? I spent a few hours later cleaning the grenade from my pants, and I was admittedly irritated to lose precious training time. However, the uncertainties of the afternoon kept me going, and I pondered my chances of working as an executive - I mean my Starcraft work history sure was respectable, but this was Mengsk I was dealing with. In my despair, I started an imaginary conversation with my dark templar friend, and we were planning how to break the law of conservation of jizz in the staffing office when the the manager called me. He told me to press X and meet him at his place. Unfortunately some dude called Findlay got the job: Chief Executive of Strategic Positioning, as even though Jimmy's credentials were better, my performance in his office was borderline illegal. But the hiring manager told me to come over anyways as there was a party on his deck; he bought what I had: Starcraft.
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I'm not very good with writing coherently, so I need major help spreading apart each joke to give depth to the humor. I also need help and ideas on how to write the manager's dialogue to make it better. Any other suggestions will be greatly appreciated as well.
