EPTIf you're unsure of what this blog is about, it's just generally food for thought [of my day] so 1. ease back and get out your utensils, 2. don't fill up on bread and 3. tip your waiter with your own thoughts or sentiments.
Thanks
Winter Parmesan and Myself, Tortellini
iNcontrol's Big Balls
+ Show Spoiler +
*fucking enter key is right next to the shift-key, so I pressed enter instead of pressing shift + 1 (for the exclamation point)
*also note that I am terrible with photos and photography, so... if you can't see jack shit: too bad
*All sexual innuendos and insinuations are intentional, this is for homosexual men stuck at work who can't look at porn right now. Cheers!
*also note that I am terrible with photos and photography, so... if you can't see jack shit: too bad
*All sexual innuendos and insinuations are intentional, this is for homosexual men stuck at work who can't look at porn right now. Cheers!
Okay, well I guess I gave an unintentional preview of my blog before it was even started or truly finished. I'm sure you're all wondering why the hell I am talking about balls and why iNcontrol's balls of all male genitalia. Well, for two reasons: 1. Anything with iNcontrol's name attracts four kinds of people: people who love him, people who want to be like him, people who want balls like him and platorepublic.
and 2. Because this is the easiest way I can suck dick and make a cheap double-entendre (adianoeta) with a figurative sexual notion while also keeping the joke of homosexuality running.
Good, now that I've managed to keep you reading, I'll tell you what this blog is about. It's about cooking. You read right; cooking, I've yet to do one of these and while rummaging through my fridge I was slapped with two smells I've yet to recognize. I fingered through the juices, soft cheeses and the array of pickle jars I can't be bothered to throw away to find some ground meat and a mix of garlic and a green thing.
So I figured I'd cook some meatballs (with a twist) and make something out of nothing. I named it iNcontrol's big balls because when I think of manly men, I think of iNcontrol and subsequently, his testicles. I realize that I don't need to put "iNcontrol" and "big" in the same sentence, due to its redundancy, but consider it a poor form of emphasis about the size of his testicles.
Oh, I'm also cooking because I'm tired of eating this:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/j4eYj.jpg)
On with the show and to do so, you will need the following ingredients:
- Ground meat, preferably past its presumed date to further urge you to cook this. Also because we know that Geoff's bodily organs are retained by pure and utter delicious lean meat (my supermarket only sells lean or "x-lean" meat), seasoned with light hair).
- Seaweed, this will have its representation soon.
- Garlic, we all know iNcontrol has a bit of a sarcastic, exaggerated way of arguing his points. It's cunning, witty and full of laughs either on SoTG or even during his earlier times on the forums. Garlic is to present that, we'll only be using a bit of this because too much iNcontrol's comedy is too over-bearing and I like breathing between my incessantly giggling.
- Some light variation of BBQ, mine has a really nice lady on it.
- Red Pepper spice, Onion powder, Sesame seeds, Salt and Pepper, Crushed Various Steak spices thingies, <insert>various aesthetic features of iNcontrol that seem apparent and can associate with these spices</insert>.
- For the true experience, add vegetables such as onions and potatoes as sides, they soak up nicely to the juices and various sauces.However, please be warned that you will feel more responsible about your health and thus less stereotypically manly.
Glad we got that all out of the way. The rest is easy and doesn't need quite as much detail, but I’ll somehow manage to do write extensively about stupid shit.
First off, lay about all your various ingredients in a showcase-like manner to further show you intend to do this and entice any wandering females that find men that cook very attractive. In case no women are around, take terrible photo with a lack of focus:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/CbHzW.jpg)
Don't worry, I took another photo that let too much light in, so it looks I'm cooking from the heavens. Otherwise known as a poor impersonation to show God made iNcontrol's testicles.
Step 1: Play suiting music that talks about men:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ScjucUV8v0
+ Show Spoiler +
+ Show Spoiler +
I personally like Christina Aguilera's Candyman. Love the upbeat pace, the trumpets and the strong voice.
Step 2: Dab your hands in water to make sure your molding of iNcontrol's balls remain intact. All forms of meat love getting wet whether in their own juices, sweat or water and this will help keep the meat stick together. The size is almost irrelevant, they must be fairly huge to give Geoff the justice he deserves, to impress and so that it can fit stuff in there. Empty balls are like balloons: they float above the water and full of hot air and Geoff always fucking delivers. Take the onion powder and make sure to excessively drown your meat in it. Why? I have no idea, my mother did it ever since she made my favourite dish: Spaghetti with meatballs and I always did it. She also excessively adds it in her chili, and if your mother's side comes from a Italy and Ecuador, you can rest assure that the toilet will be your best friend right after eating.
Step 3: In this step, you are now adding the green stuff that you never thought could work or have any relevance in this. To be frank, you can put anything in Geoff's balls (it's going to come out anyways wink wink), I indented Geoff's balls and input two things: Garlic, an edible embodiment of Geoff's ballsy personality and whatever I wrote above and seaweed which has yet to remain creatively defined. So basically you only molded half of Geoff's balls and remain calm, don't be intimidated by its sheer size, but make sure that there is a lot of meat surrounding your tucked goodies. This is because that when meat cooks or they tend to start to separate and all your shit comes out like a plastic bag on Halloween. So be careful.
Step 4: Completing the balls. After you've added all your treats inside these enormous marbles, it's time to wrap them up, use your leftover meat to cover them properly, make sure to shower them in onion powder as notated in Step 1. Once done so, grab those balls, feel them across your palm and smooth them out. Yeah, you like that? Can you feel his masculinity rub off of you? You shouldn't, but if you are, rub harder. Make sure to smooth out any cracks between the two parts of his testicles that seem out of place, this is to ensure that they crack when cooking.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/38ovI.jpg)
Behold, pure and utter goodness of balls, coming from the heavenly lights of God’s kitchen! Somewhere in there, you can see Geoff’s confident grin!
Step 5: When that is complete. Get a separate bowl and dazzle in with some of the spices I named above. Red pepper spice should be your majority swimmer because it is the strongest of the spices and it is also what is going to be the main taste of your meatballs. It's hard to explain its taste, but I assure you its smell is a strong indicative. Shake it up and blanket those balls in there, make them comfy, warm and pretty. After doing so, they'll look a bit excessive in spices, you'll need to feel them out all over again (God forbid!) and rub off any spices that seem too much. Your hands should be dry and somewhat pasty/sticky, so most of the spices will come off with a few more rubs!
Step 6: this part is the hardest because I don't know how to cook meatballs, I tried the pan, but it turns out the oven at 355 degrees and for like 20-25 minutes cooks them better. But to remain consistent with these photos I took, we'll talk about how to undercook meatballs on the pan. To do so, oil up that pan like you would to any prostitute you paid for the night (if you're short on cash, offer her some of these meatballs!)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/XeF8O.jpg)
Since my pan is dented and lopsided towards the center, I just had to oil the sides and it eventually slid down.
+ Show Spoiler +
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/PQfhl.jpg)
Whoa, trippy!
Set the temperature to five (5), its true temperature is unknown because I don’t usually cook. If you’re expecting hard numbers somewhere here, don’t, because everything is eye-balled.
Step 6: Toss those puppies in there. They’re a man’s balls for Christ’s sake, you can throw them in there, they’ll be fine! Let them sizzle while occasionally sneaking a grab like a school girl at a cinema on your first date. Let the aroma of hormones overcome you as you continue to swish them around.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/4VoJQ.jpg)
These are not actual size of Geoff’s balls, they’re smaller
Step 7: Now comes the sauce. DO NOT POUR DIRECTLY ON THE BALLS! No, let them swelter above the sweet taste of BBQ. My BBQ is more liquid than sauce-like, so try to look for those when out shopping! Let it simmer and sit for maybe… 15 minutes while occasionally rotating them, you must give each as much love as the previous ones. If you truly failed, this will happen:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/2qWNp.jpg)
It ain’t pretty, I know, but I must shock you to teach you what may happen if you don’t shape them to the expectations of iNcontrol!
Step 9: That’s it gents! Nothing to it but to do it (in a young female to reproduce your own Geoff clone!). CAUTION! Transferring globes of manhood to your plate is a very delicate process. You must not (excuse my language) pussy out and use a spatula, knife or tool to transfer these delicacies! You must prove your masculinity (or impersonation of a male if you are a refined and elegant lady [call me? D: ]) by grabbing each ball with your hand and dropping them on your plate. If done correctly, each ball will remain intact. If not…
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/nDErx.jpg)
The above is if you pussy out, the bottom ones are pure iNcontrol.
If not, they will Grack open. As proof, unfortunately, the Gracken was released on the top meats shown above.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/1LpNB.png)
There is only one being that can stop this fearful sea creature (and when you come from the sea, you most likely will drag seaweed with you up to the surface [yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch, fuck off) and that is Mr. Robinson!
Now you know of two origins: how the Gracken became such a ill-mannered person, fearless and mean towards all and why Geoff is the only one who can call and calm this great beast! When you come from someone’s loins, it’s no surprise that you two both have a certain… intimacy one cannot understand…
![[image loading]](http://wakkawa.iseenothing.com/temppic/incontrolidra.jpg)
Not suitable for those with wild and similar imaginations to my heterosexual own. You can blame Step #10, only veggies can succumb one to these wild fantasies
Step 10: Cook potatoes and onions with the leftover junk in the pan in a desperate hope it’ll taste good.
Step 11: Enjoy by forms of prayer or consumption
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/O3TEF.jpg)
I later went to recook these in the oven :3! Omg, look at those green tentacles!
+ Show Spoiler +![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/h5ehM.jpg)
OMG, it's so nice outside T__________T, must hurry and eat while basking in the sun!
OMG, it's so nice outside T__________T, must hurry and eat while basking in the sun!
