EPT
some might wonder how did this (in my previous blog) happen. here's the story:
After this, I went to alffla's motherland on a trip with my high school friends. i was devastated, thinking that my last chance to patch up was gone. but not to end off on a sour note, i still told her before flying off that i'm okay, and even wished her "merry christmas" via text while in HK. i thought that was it. no more seeing her.
then a month later, somewhere in the middle of january, i received a text from her.
we got into contact once again, and slowly made progress in terms of our interaction in public. you see, we had this small issue of being shy. she was by default a shy character, while for me, only she made me into a quiet little mouse. before i confessed (professed? idk) to her, we did go out, but only twice. and mind you, that was after not seeing each other for over two years. two shy people, not seeing each other for two years, and both being shy with each other. i was just asking for trouble by confessing to her. it would be the same story all over again. slowly but surely though, that started to change. we got more comfortable with each other. we laughed a lot more, joked a lot more and sometimes even teased each other. we knew where we getting at, but once again, our shyness interfered. we held back, because we weren't being truthful to each other. not saying out loud our true feelings when we should, and holding back just because we were afraid.
she had to leave for a month long trip towards the end of april. we had our last outing before she left for the trip. once again, we didn't do anything. didn't say anything. we knew, but we didn't say it. she got off at her station, and all i did was wave goodbye.
minutes later, i got a text.
"what are we?"
"you won't know if you don't ask."
"why didn't you do anything?"
"now i have to wait for another month you idiot."
from there ensued an endless cycle of self-resentment, self-reflection and regrets, from that moment onwards for the next entire month. "why am i holding back? what am i afraid of? why did i not do anything? why is it always her who is initiating?"
so i asked one thing, "will you wait another month for an idiot like me?"
her reply?
"what's one month when we've been in this for five years, idiot."
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a month came and went, and it was tuesday, 23rd may 2011. we went out as usual, going to film camera shops (our common interest) then going for dinner at a russian restaurant (which served some pretty amazing dishes, i tell you). casual chat over dinner for 3 hours, then we left. we started heading back to the station. then, within just a few seconds, i remembered and recalled what i've thought about for the past month. i thought about all i've been holding back for the past 5 long years. i told myself, "what the hell am i waiting for?"
without any hesitation, i held her hands. though i did not directly look at her, i saw through the corner of my eye that she had turned all red. but i did not care. i wanted to let her know that that was how i felt about her.
as i tightly grasped her gentle hands, i said, "i missed you so much."
and as she squeezed my hand back, she replied in a tiny but audible whisper, "i know."
i did not let go of her hand until she had to leave at her station.
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fast forward to yesterday (or today, depending on where you guys live), i packed up early and left home at 8.30am to meet her. she had "booked" me a month in advance, telling me that i should keep this day free no matter what. with absolutely no details, except for what to bring (camera, no slippers, casual wear). we met up at the train station nearest to my house. we held hands and i just followed her along. it was only halfway through the trip that she told me that she was bringing me to the Universal Studios Singapore, a first for the both of us.
we had a crazy time. with her by me, i felt nothing could scare me. for example, i, who suffers from bad altophobia, managed to take a roller coaster with five 360-degrees turns and crazy drops. five years ago, or actually even a few months ago, i would have called myself crazy. now, i call it love.
the day ended and night approached, we headed off for dinner and dessert. it was the usual chat, and after getting our stomachs filled, we headed up to the top of the shopping mall where we had our dessert to just enjoy the evening breeze.
after talking about random stuffs for a while, i took the opportunity to ask this one burning question at the back of my mind - "why (so much for someone like) me?"
we spent the next hour pouring our hearts out. things we've been holding back. secrets we didn't tell. feelings we've never shared. regrets we've never showed.
After that, I thanked her for one thing. For rejecting me back in december. And how she texted me in january that she still liked me, but wanted for us to start from the beginning in fear of the past repeating. Because without it, we couldn't have been where we are now today.
in the end, she shed a few tears. not tears of pain, agony, despair or sadness, but those of relief and assurance. i knew that this is the person i know i want to be with for forever and always.
i felt the lips of an angel that night.
what i want to tell everyone who thinks they're not good enough, who thinks they've no chance, who think they've lost hope is that that's bullshit. circumstances unfavorable? 5 years while living in two separate countries after a terrible breakup, only to come to this moment right now, i would say it could only have been a fairytale. but things do happen, and you won't know until you try. you won't know until you start being truthful to yourself and your feelings. do what you want to do. do what you have to do. don't hold back, because it hurts more than you think it doesn't. go for it. don't be an idiot.
