EPTA little backstory. SC2 was my first multiplayer RTS. I'd played games like R:TW and AoE2 before, but never multiplayer, and i never really got into those games anyways. But i'd been following the SC2 beta for quite some time, and really liked what I saw. I started Terran, obviously, and went 4-1 in placement, facerolling right over people with little effort just doing MMM and reaper rushing. I had about a 50% winning percentage from there, even briefly appearing in diamond for a few games. But MMM is super boring, so I started screwing around with toss in team games. FF and storm really seemed high level to me, so I did that a lot, eventually starting to like blink stalkers too. Around this time I also started watching Destiny's stream too, which was the foundation for later events.
Well, I was a little nervous about taking my new race into 1v1 diamond...so I had the brilliant idea of tanking my ranking to bronze first. I quit out of about 30 straight games until I had 0 points and was demoted to silver. I figured that was good enough so I stopped, and started playing toss. I did really well actually, winning about 70% of my early games, basically just cheesing and 4 gating whenever I played on a map I didn't like or when facing terran which was the "op" race at the time. Well needless to say that got boring fast too. Plus Toss quickly transformed into the op race, and I hate playing like that. I always feel like I have to play the difficult faction. But i tried playing zerg in team games and really sucked balls at it so I was kind of stuck. So I basically quit playing for a couple of months. Eventually I grew some balls, and started training my Z in a few customs, vs AI, and in team games. Soon.....I was "ready". Enter 1 v 1.........as zerg.
Game 1: Typhon Peaks......vs Terran.
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Oh god......my first zerg 1 v 1...vs Terran, on a map I don't know. Fortunately, his first chat was, "wtf is this map?" so I knew all was not lost. I hide a drone in his base for future scouting and try to FE. He has an scv parked right in the way, I attack it, and despite me getting the first hit, he kills my drone micro seconds before I landed my last hit, WTF you n00b hacker? He runs his 40 hp scv away immediately and I drop an expo. Just to be a fag, i met his 5 hp scv back at his mineral line with my hidden drone and sniped it, angering the SC2 gods for daring to harass a Terran. It was the last good thing I did in that game.
A million things start running through my brain.......2 rax.....banshees......FE almost done........GOD WHY DO ALWAYS FORGET THAT 18OL!!>!?!??!........keep droning......keep someone on that watchtower......OH GOD WHAT IS THAT ENEMY DOT??!?!?!.....just an scv...its ok. Soon its apparent that 2 rax either isn't coming or is 4 minutes behind. I run a scout up his ramp to check army comp and see 35 marines and 2 marauders. My addled brain acknowledges that marauders can't shoot air.....so....MUTA IT IS!!!!! 3 minutes later my first 8 muta pop and I hotkey them like a boss and send them to his base. Where I am greeted by the Fortress of Hanoi, composed of about 729 missile turrets and a squad of 20 marines. REALLY YOU SKILLESS QUEER!!!!!!???!?! Why are you defending against my mutas, NOONE does that!
Right after this massacre of innocent mutas, my opponent decides to move out. I manage to see it and counter with mass lings. Like 100 mass lings. Because at this point I am on 5 bases, have a macro hatch, and have 1500 minerals saved up. I just barely keep him off with a continual stream of mass lings, and think..what hard counters mass marines?? Easy, my brain says, HYDRAS!!!!!!!!!!! Hydra den, range upgrade, here we comes. My first 30 hydras pop right as his army of 50 stim marines walk into my base and rape all my hydras rallied to the middle of the map. At this same time, I notice he did a terran fast expand at 20 minutes, and populated it with another 75 missile turrets just in case my 16 mutas with 19 hp total might decide to fly within 500 yards of it. I did. GG.
FARK! Look at score screen to try and regain some pride.
Workers made,
Me: 85
Him: 35
Average unspent resources,
Me: 900
Him: 1800
Units lost,
Me: 470
Him: 75
WTF T OP YOU SKILLESS, BALL-LESS FAGGOT!!!!! Rage quit the score screen and queue up another game.
A million things start running through my brain.......2 rax.....banshees......FE almost done........GOD WHY DO ALWAYS FORGET THAT 18OL!!>!?!??!........keep droning......keep someone on that watchtower......OH GOD WHAT IS THAT ENEMY DOT??!?!?!.....just an scv...its ok. Soon its apparent that 2 rax either isn't coming or is 4 minutes behind. I run a scout up his ramp to check army comp and see 35 marines and 2 marauders. My addled brain acknowledges that marauders can't shoot air.....so....MUTA IT IS!!!!! 3 minutes later my first 8 muta pop and I hotkey them like a boss and send them to his base. Where I am greeted by the Fortress of Hanoi, composed of about 729 missile turrets and a squad of 20 marines. REALLY YOU SKILLESS QUEER!!!!!!???!?! Why are you defending against my mutas, NOONE does that!
Right after this massacre of innocent mutas, my opponent decides to move out. I manage to see it and counter with mass lings. Like 100 mass lings. Because at this point I am on 5 bases, have a macro hatch, and have 1500 minerals saved up. I just barely keep him off with a continual stream of mass lings, and think..what hard counters mass marines?? Easy, my brain says, HYDRAS!!!!!!!!!!! Hydra den, range upgrade, here we comes. My first 30 hydras pop right as his army of 50 stim marines walk into my base and rape all my hydras rallied to the middle of the map. At this same time, I notice he did a terran fast expand at 20 minutes, and populated it with another 75 missile turrets just in case my 16 mutas with 19 hp total might decide to fly within 500 yards of it. I did. GG.
FARK! Look at score screen to try and regain some pride.
Workers made,
Me: 85
Him: 35
Average unspent resources,
Me: 900
Him: 1800
Units lost,
Me: 470
Him: 75
WTF T OP YOU SKILLESS, BALL-LESS FAGGOT!!!!! Rage quit the score screen and queue up another game.
Game 2: Slag Pits vs Toss
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Ok, man, RELAX, it's ok, you're probably going to lose about 76 straight games before you win one, so just have fun. Standard build, 10 supply block, forget 14 pool, 15 hatch, 16 pool, 15 gas, 18 supply block. I check his ramp with a drone, and somehow remembered that workers can ghost through army units, so I ghosted through and checked his main. Hidden in the back of his base like a total queer are....2......3.....4 ....OMG THE DREADED 4 gate!! Since my macro is so gosu, i can afford 3 spine crawlers and an extra queen, so I throw them down immediately and start pumping mass lings. I'm so confident I can win that i supply block myself again at 26 to help make it even. Soon enough my opponents exquisitely timed 4 gate hits at 7 and a half minutes and its game on. Obviously the queen is the most serious threat out of my army of speedlings, spines, and queen, so I lead his zealots in circles around my nat hatch while my lings rape his stalkers and sentries, and my spines get 182 free shots off on his desperately pursuing zealots, hot for some of that sweet, sweet, queen poontang. I rape the 3 proxy pylons he placed, and he gg's out. OMFG YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sweet, sweet victory. Over a fag-gate as well. Fark this, I'm going undefeated to MASTERS!
Game 3: Xel'naga Caverns vs toss
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Sweet, a toss again, and on my favorite map too. I GOT THIS MAN!!!! I decide to go for the 3 roach, 26 speedling rush or w/e that is. Obviously I have no idea what the actual BO is, but i saw it once on destiny's stream so I figured i could do it easily enough. Send my OL over to his ramp, and do something like 12 pool, 18 roach warren, 18 supply block, plus since I just built my warren, I can't afford a OL or queen immediately either. But its ok, what can toss do to me anyways? My OL hits his ramp finally....and I see no buildings. PANIC!!!! PROXY STARGATE!?!!?!! PROXY DTS!!??! WTH!??? Drop another queen, morph to lair, drop an evo and a spine...OMG wtf? 16 seconds later his 4 gate hits. Looking at the replay he doesn't wall in, and instead decided to sim city his minerals. A 7 pool would have hit him so hard his mother would have felt it. Complete facepalm. Smack self in head......WTF was I thinking? Have you ever played this game before?? ALWAYS SCOUT at 12......WTF DUDE???? GG, ragequit, requeue.
Game 4: Slag pits vs T
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OHHHHH GOOOOOOOODDDDDDD. Start out, send OL over to close air, and decide to scout at 10 to prevent anything like last game from happening. Because I am baller gosu, I forget about it, apparently assuming its perfectly normal to have complete vision of my opponents base 4 minutes into the game. Back at home I 15 hatch 15 pool like any pro would. Right as my pool pops, so does my brave scouting overlord. Supply blocked. Right about this time, the bunker 3.5 inches away from my FE finishes, and starts furiously poking holes in my 92% finished hatch. Rage cancel. The next available target for the Terran was my 18 OL, which he gleefully popped right as my 26 OL finished. So now I have one base, 800 minerals, 1 queen, 24 drones, and 18 supply. The natural reaction would be to drop 5 spines. My reaction was box clicking everything and banzai charging his 10 marines and 2 bunkers. Rage quit. ITS OK MAN, EVERYONE LOSES YOU HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE GOGOGOGOGOGO!!
Game 5: Slag pits vs T
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The same T. WTF BLIZZARD, DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO CODE A FARKING BALANCED MM SYSTEM??!?!!? A CHILD could do better. I again go for a 15 hatch 15 pool. My early scouting drone started molesting his supply depot scv. Right at 5 hp, he finally noticed and desperately moved it away, then selecting all of his SCVs.....started chasing my cute little drone in circles around his CC. I shift clicked beautiful circles around his CC and went back to macroing, stopping only to pop his 5 hp scv mid circle, because only pros leave hurt scvs idle in the middle of the base. By this time only about 5 scvs were still chasing, but his rax was done and i high-tailed it out, not even noticing the double gas he threw up. I had my nat mostly saturated by this time, so i started pumping lings and dropped a baneling nest and spire. Right as they finished.......2 flying DTs entered my natural, 2 solid minutes late. OH GOD WTF???!?!?! Desperate overseer morph, along with 10 banelings. By this time his flying harbingers of doom were about finished with my natural, and moved into my main. The sight of my overseer halted them, right as my banelings crashed into his wall. His wall was really a pro one, consisting of 75% supply depots and bunker, with the rest being a rax half off the ramp, like any pro would. He also had decided to stack all 20 marines he had right behind the bunker so my 10 banelings roflrolled right on through, wrecking everything. Mass lings swarmed through and the rape was on. Since he had scouted my mass lings earlier, he had prepared the exact counter.......a raven. Only not. Clearly confused by this turn of events, his raven wondered in circles a while while his banshees came back to his ravaged base in time to see me running back out, the only building left being his lifted CC. His banshees tried to fly back and save the day, but I had 4 queens and 4 muta out, so he drops a PPD, kills 3 creep tumors, then leaves. GG. Score screen....YOU HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO GOLD!!!!!!!
Looking back at all the profiles of my opponents....all were platinum. So now I feel better.
Looking back at all the profiles of my opponents....all were platinum. So now I feel better.
THE END.
