EPTEast
+ Show Spoiler +
RO64
Buckeyes v TBD: I'm not entirely sure what a buckeye is, but at least it is decided.
Patriots v Wildcats: America, Fuck Yeah
Patriots
Mountaineers v Tigers: Giant axes and shaggy beards can take on any cat.
Mountaineers
Wildcats v Tigers: Tigers are a subset of wild cats, therefor tigers < wildcats
Wildcats
Musketeers v Golden Eagles: It is a federal offense to shoot a golden eagle. Can't play BBall from jail. Also, who uses muskets anymore?
Eagles
Orange Men v Sycamores: Ummmm, what? At least orange men are motile.
Orange Men
Huskies v Bulldogs: Big, wild, powerful dog v domesticated, inbred, half-blind dog.
Huskies
Tar Heels v Black Birds: True fact- nobody really knows where the tar heel nickname came from. The mysterious allure gives them the victory
Tar Heels
RO32
Buckeyes v Patriots: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T-2_Buckeye
Buckeyes
Mountaineers v Wildcats: Another cat, another win.
Mountaineers
Golden Eagles v Orange Men:
Eagles
Tar Heels v Huskies: Completely original nickname v obvious ripoff of a popular SC2 caster. Huskies get sued for trademark infringement.
Tar Heels
RO16
Buckeyes v Mountaineers: It seems like buckeyes are actually a type of tree. So after trapping and skinning two cats, the Mountaineers fell some trees with their fists Minecraft-style so their axes don't get dull.
Mountaineers
Golden Eagles v Tar Heels
The eagles swoop in to carry the tar heels off a cliff. But their feet are stuck in tar and pitch from the booming colonial naval stores industry! The eagles ricochet off and tumble to their doom.
Tarheels
RO8 Tar Heels v Mountaineers: The mountaineers attack. But just like during the civil war, the NCians stand fast as if tar were sticking their heels to the ground. The mountaineers run away!
Tar Heels
Buckeyes v TBD: I'm not entirely sure what a buckeye is, but at least it is decided.
Patriots v Wildcats: America, Fuck Yeah
Patriots
Mountaineers v Tigers: Giant axes and shaggy beards can take on any cat.
Mountaineers
Wildcats v Tigers: Tigers are a subset of wild cats, therefor tigers < wildcats
Wildcats
Musketeers v Golden Eagles: It is a federal offense to shoot a golden eagle. Can't play BBall from jail. Also, who uses muskets anymore?
Eagles
Orange Men v Sycamores: Ummmm, what? At least orange men are motile.
Orange Men
Huskies v Bulldogs: Big, wild, powerful dog v domesticated, inbred, half-blind dog.
Huskies
Tar Heels v Black Birds: True fact- nobody really knows where the tar heel nickname came from. The mysterious allure gives them the victory
Tar Heels
RO32
Buckeyes v Patriots: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T-2_Buckeye
Buckeyes
Mountaineers v Wildcats: Another cat, another win.
Mountaineers
Golden Eagles v Orange Men:
Eagles
Tar Heels v Huskies: Completely original nickname v obvious ripoff of a popular SC2 caster. Huskies get sued for trademark infringement.
Tar Heels
RO16
Buckeyes v Mountaineers: It seems like buckeyes are actually a type of tree. So after trapping and skinning two cats, the Mountaineers fell some trees with their fists Minecraft-style so their axes don't get dull.
Mountaineers
Golden Eagles v Tar Heels
The eagles swoop in to carry the tar heels off a cliff. But their feet are stuck in tar and pitch from the booming colonial naval stores industry! The eagles ricochet off and tumble to their doom.
Tarheels
RO8 Tar Heels v Mountaineers: The mountaineers attack. But just like during the civil war, the NCians stand fast as if tar were sticking their heels to the ground. The mountaineers run away!
Tar Heels
West
+ Show Spoiler +
RO64
Blue Devils v Doesn't Have a Wiki Page for Their Athletics: As much as I hate to see it, Blue Devils win.
Blue Devils
Wolverines v Volunteers: Volunteering is a nice thing to do. Ripping someone's face off with your terrible claws and teeth is a winning thing to do.
Wolverines
Tigers v Wildcats: Wait, again?
Wildcats
Longhorns v Grizzlies: Herbivore v carnivore. Any questions?
Grizzlies
Bearcats v Tigers: Both Asian animals. Bearcats win on originality
Bearcats
Bison v Huskies: Bison are... kind of husky? Sure.
Huskies
Owls v Nittany Lions: Owls!
Owls!
Aztecs v Bears: Man v wild. Gotta root for the home team
Aztecs
RO32
Blue Devils v Wolverines: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Wolverine_(vol._1)_1.jpg v http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:BlueDevil1.jpg ? Come on.
Wolverines
Wildcats vs Grizzlies: Grizzly SMASH
Grizzlies
Huskies v Bearcat: Are you a cat, or are you bear? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Huskies
Aztecs v Owl: Aztecs are also stupid-looking cars. I worked at a place where we got a car-hit owl in almost bi-weekly. :-(
Aztecs
RO16
Wolverines v Grizzlies: Adamantium v calcium? It doesn't matter how big you are. This ain't no Timothy Treadwell here.
Huskies v Aztecs: Again, I've got to root for my home species.
Aztecs
RO8
Wolverines v Aztecs: Wolvie is a badass, but it is a bit much to expect him to take down an entire civilization. When the Aztecs discover that Wolverine's healing factor causes him to grow back a new heart each time they rip it out and offer it to the gods, they realize they don't have to sacrifice virgins any more! As a result they chill out, enjoy their new virgin surplus and conquer the world while Wolverine suffers a promethean fate of continual human sacrifice
Aztecs
Blue Devils v Doesn't Have a Wiki Page for Their Athletics: As much as I hate to see it, Blue Devils win.
Blue Devils
Wolverines v Volunteers: Volunteering is a nice thing to do. Ripping someone's face off with your terrible claws and teeth is a winning thing to do.
Wolverines
Tigers v Wildcats: Wait, again?
Wildcats
Longhorns v Grizzlies: Herbivore v carnivore. Any questions?
Grizzlies
Bearcats v Tigers: Both Asian animals. Bearcats win on originality
Bearcats
Bison v Huskies: Bison are... kind of husky? Sure.
Huskies
Owls v Nittany Lions: Owls!
Owls!
Aztecs v Bears: Man v wild. Gotta root for the home team
Aztecs
RO32
Blue Devils v Wolverines: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Wolverine_(vol._1)_1.jpg v http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:BlueDevil1.jpg ? Come on.
Wolverines
Wildcats vs Grizzlies: Grizzly SMASH
Grizzlies
Huskies v Bearcat: Are you a cat, or are you bear? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Huskies
Aztecs v Owl: Aztecs are also stupid-looking cars. I worked at a place where we got a car-hit owl in almost bi-weekly. :-(
Aztecs
RO16
Wolverines v Grizzlies: Adamantium v calcium? It doesn't matter how big you are. This ain't no Timothy Treadwell here.
Huskies v Aztecs: Again, I've got to root for my home species.
Aztecs
RO8
Wolverines v Aztecs: Wolvie is a badass, but it is a bit much to expect him to take down an entire civilization. When the Aztecs discover that Wolverine's healing factor causes him to grow back a new heart each time they rip it out and offer it to the gods, they realize they don't have to sacrifice virgins any more! As a result they chill out, enjoy their new virgin surplus and conquer the world while Wolverine suffers a promethean fate of continual human sacrifice
Aztecs
Southwest
+ Show Spoiler +
RO64
Jayhawks v Terriers: I once saw a hawk swoop down and pick up a small yappy dog. Only the leash saved it.
Jayhawks
Runnin' Rebels v Fighting Illini: I'd rather have fighters than runners.
Illini
Spiders v Commodores: Everyone's afraid of spiders. Even enlisted officers
Spiders
Cardinals v Eagles: In the air, being small and mobile is actually better than fast and strong. If you've ever seen crows mobbing an owl or a hawk, you know what I'm talking about.
Cardinals
Rocks/Bulldog v TBD: Strange
Rocks/Bulldogs
Boilermakers v Peacocks: Peacocks are mean and quite feisty... but they're peacocks.
Boilermakers
Aggies v Seminoles: The notoriously tough and warlike tribe takes on... some dudes who study farming and stuff.
Seminoles
Fighting Irish v Zips: Zips? Zips?!
Irish
RO32
Fighting Illini v Jayhawks: So I looked it up and apparently the jayhawks get their name from the Jayhawkers who were "guerrilla fighters who often clashed with pro-slavery "Border Ruffians"" during the Bleeding Kansas period. Bad. Ass.
Jayhawks
Spiders v Cardinals: There is no web strong enough, little spider. Just give up before you get etted.
Cardinals
Hoya/Bulldogs v Boilermakers: What rocks?
Boilermakers
Fighting Irish v Seminoles: This would truly be a battle for the ages. Unfortunately, Europeans did come over and royally screw the Seminoles. Also, Andrew Jackson was the son of two Irish immigrants :-/
Irish
RO16
Jayhawks v Cardinals: The cardinals miraculously transform from birds into...... senior ecclesiastical officials, who can only move diagonally. The jayhawks set upon them and tear them to shreds with pitchforks and torches.
Jayhawks
Boilermakers v Fighting Irish: The two sides face off, one dressed in green and well beer-ed, the other armed with blowtorches and clad in heavy leathers. Suddenly, one of the Irishmen realizes: if there are no boilermakers to make distilleries, that means no more beer and whisky. The Irish back off, leaving the Boilermakers in stunned silence.
Boilermakers
RO8
Jayhawks v Boilermakers: The boilermakers approach the bloodied battlefield, looking on in horror at mangled corpses of the religious leaders, Illinois natives, and finally, small dogs. As they soak in the sight of the blood-suffused ground, they realize that their battles so far have included chasing off some peacocks, looking baffledly at some oddly shaped rocks, and having the Irish concede in good spirits and buy them drinks. They aren't remotely prepared for the horror that follows.
Jayhawks
Southeast
+ Show Spoiler +
RO 64
Panthers v Bulldogs: This feels familiar somehow.
Panthers
Bulldogs v Monarchs: They combine to form Winston Churchill and smash through the rest of the tournament! But seriously- too many bulldogs.
Monarchs
Wildcats v Aggies: Wildcats also. Stop it. Also, Aggies would be good at catching wildcats that attack their livestock.
Aggies
Badges v Bruins: As the giant bear corners the hapless omnivore, he hears it start to hum a strangely familiar, repetitive tune. Suddenly, there are badgers and snakes everywhere, biting him from every direction. As he slinks into a venom-and-badger-bite-induced coma, Bruin the bear can't help but notice that the swirling colors remind him of the last time he did shrooms.
Badgers
Cougars v Terriers: Anyone who has lived in the suburban west knows what happens here.
Cougars
Red Storm v Bulldogs: The bulldogs bark a big bark, but run for the safety of an under-bed refuge at the first clap of thunder.
Red Storm
Bruins v Spartans: THIS... IS....a very stale joke.
Spartans
Gauchos v Gators: Fact- you can't put a saddle on an alligator.
Gators
RO32
Panthers v Monarchs: Stripped of his rank and his body guards, the king briefly wishes he had paid more attention in fencing class as the deadly, black panther creeps in for the kill.
Panthers
Aggies v Badgers: This time when the haunting tune starts up, the disgruntled farmer just throws a sack over the badger and tosses it into the river.
Aggies
Red Storm v Cougars: It's hard to see how a large cat could beat a meteorological phenomenon... until the polite and well mannered cougars shed their false mascot and take on their true aspect: the STORMIN' MORMONS. Their bodies billow and thin as they transform into ethereal air elementals that charge at the incoming red thunderheads. What happens next can only be understood after three meteorology degrees, ten years experience as a local weatherman, and quite a few drinks.
Cougars/Stormin' Mormons
Gators v Spartans: "Madness? THIS... IS...well yeah actually it's March Madness. Sorry for shouting at you. No, I'm fine. I'm just pretty embarrassed is all. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go."
Gators
RO16
Panthers v Aggies: Ugh. This is really killing my bracket. I just can't put the Aggies to lose against an animal commonly found and dealt with on a farm.
Aggies
Panthers v Gators: This is probably the first animal fight that would actually be interesting 1v1. In my extensive research for this blog, I found these two awesome videos. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/308780/jaguar_vs_crocodile/ (Attenborough- style violence)
(NSFBrain cells)
It seems like on land, panthers win, and in water the gators would. Panthers are probably too smart to engage on the gators' terms though, so I've got to give it to the big cats, which sets up...
RO8
Aggies v Panthers II: BYU has already used up it's one deus ex machina to avoid totally screwing my bracket, so by precedent and bloggus decisis, the Aggies are apparently into their first final
four in school history.
Panthers v Bulldogs: This feels familiar somehow.
Panthers
Bulldogs v Monarchs: They combine to form Winston Churchill and smash through the rest of the tournament! But seriously- too many bulldogs.
Monarchs
Wildcats v Aggies: Wildcats also. Stop it. Also, Aggies would be good at catching wildcats that attack their livestock.
Aggies
Badges v Bruins: As the giant bear corners the hapless omnivore, he hears it start to hum a strangely familiar, repetitive tune. Suddenly, there are badgers and snakes everywhere, biting him from every direction. As he slinks into a venom-and-badger-bite-induced coma, Bruin the bear can't help but notice that the swirling colors remind him of the last time he did shrooms.
Badgers
Cougars v Terriers: Anyone who has lived in the suburban west knows what happens here.
Cougars
Red Storm v Bulldogs: The bulldogs bark a big bark, but run for the safety of an under-bed refuge at the first clap of thunder.
Red Storm
Bruins v Spartans: THIS... IS....a very stale joke.
Spartans
Gauchos v Gators: Fact- you can't put a saddle on an alligator.
Gators
RO32
Panthers v Monarchs: Stripped of his rank and his body guards, the king briefly wishes he had paid more attention in fencing class as the deadly, black panther creeps in for the kill.
Panthers
Aggies v Badgers: This time when the haunting tune starts up, the disgruntled farmer just throws a sack over the badger and tosses it into the river.
Aggies
Red Storm v Cougars: It's hard to see how a large cat could beat a meteorological phenomenon... until the polite and well mannered cougars shed their false mascot and take on their true aspect: the STORMIN' MORMONS. Their bodies billow and thin as they transform into ethereal air elementals that charge at the incoming red thunderheads. What happens next can only be understood after three meteorology degrees, ten years experience as a local weatherman, and quite a few drinks.
Cougars/Stormin' Mormons
Gators v Spartans: "Madness? THIS... IS...well yeah actually it's March Madness. Sorry for shouting at you. No, I'm fine. I'm just pretty embarrassed is all. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go."
Gators
RO16
Panthers v Aggies: Ugh. This is really killing my bracket. I just can't put the Aggies to lose against an animal commonly found and dealt with on a farm.
Aggies
Panthers v Gators: This is probably the first animal fight that would actually be interesting 1v1. In my extensive research for this blog, I found these two awesome videos. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/308780/jaguar_vs_crocodile/ (Attenborough- style violence)
(NSFBrain cells)
It seems like on land, panthers win, and in water the gators would. Panthers are probably too smart to engage on the gators' terms though, so I've got to give it to the big cats, which sets up...
RO8
Aggies v Panthers II: BYU has already used up it's one deus ex machina to avoid totally screwing my bracket, so by precedent and bloggus decisis, the Aggies are apparently into their first final
four in school history.
Final Four
+ Show Spoiler +
Aztecs v Tar Heels: The ancient Aztec civilization, brought back from extinction by a time-travelling Wolverine, faces off against the dreaded, the feared, the notorious: residents of the great state of Naaaawwwwwwwth Cackalacky. Both sides agree that coming battle would be far too devastating to carry out in toto, so they negotiate to each send a champion to fight to the death on neutral ground. The Aztecs choose their god of war: Huitzilopochtli. Conceived in a "shameful way," Huitzilopochtli was going to be killed in his mother's womb by his sister Coyolxauhqui. However, he managed to catch wind of this dastardly plot and "sprang from his mother's womb fully grown and fully armed. He then killed his sister Coyolxauhqui and many of his 400 brothers. He tossed his sister's head into the sky, where it became the moon, so that his mother would be comforted in seeing her daughter in the sky every night. He threw his other brothers and sisters into the sky, where they became the stars." This is one bad mother'.
The Cackalackians chose as their champion their favorite son: famous basketball hero and Nike spokesman Micheal Jordon himself. The match will be a best of three sets:one-on-one winners walk hoops; a game of good ol' fashioned Mesoamerican Ballgame; and one round of mortal combat. No, not Mortal Kombat- mortal combat.
The first set, hoops, quickly goes to MJ, as the average height of the Aztecs is around 5'3". Awkward. For the next set, each combatant must choose a teammate, as there is no 1v1 ballgame rule set. Micheal Jordan calls on Bugs Bunny, who owes him a favor from Space Jam. Huitzilopochtli chooses Olmec, from Legends of the Hidden Temple, hoping his bulk will make up for his immobility. Unfortunately, it doesn't, and the MJ/Bugs teams takes the set and match. Huitzilopochtli tears out yet another Wolverine heart as a sacrifice to himself in frustration.
Tar Heels.
Aggies v Jayhawks:
The Aggies like to farm. Farmers used to have slaves. The Jayhawks haven't forgotten. Neither will the lone Aggie survivor.
Jayhawks
Tar Heels v Jay Hawks
In the blue corner we have the soldiers famous for defending their rights to own other humans in the bloodiest war this country has ever experienced. In the darker blue corner we have the Kansans who were brutally killing people who claimed that right, and the war hadn't even started yet. The contestants are staring each other down as the ref steps into the ring. Wait, what's that? After all these gruesome conflicts and earth-shaking battles, after all the violence and terrible blood shed, the abstract concept brought in to referee the last bout is... History herself? The Tar Heels' faces fall as they realized the bitter truth: History is the final judge, and there is no way to bribe or extort her. The Tar Heels coach throws a towel into the ring, accepting the inevitable defeat. The Jayhawks are final victors.
The Cackalackians chose as their champion their favorite son: famous basketball hero and Nike spokesman Micheal Jordon himself. The match will be a best of three sets:one-on-one winners walk hoops; a game of good ol' fashioned Mesoamerican Ballgame; and one round of mortal combat. No, not Mortal Kombat- mortal combat.
The first set, hoops, quickly goes to MJ, as the average height of the Aztecs is around 5'3". Awkward. For the next set, each combatant must choose a teammate, as there is no 1v1 ballgame rule set. Micheal Jordan calls on Bugs Bunny, who owes him a favor from Space Jam. Huitzilopochtli chooses Olmec, from Legends of the Hidden Temple, hoping his bulk will make up for his immobility. Unfortunately, it doesn't, and the MJ/Bugs teams takes the set and match. Huitzilopochtli tears out yet another Wolverine heart as a sacrifice to himself in frustration.
Tar Heels.
Aggies v Jayhawks:
The Aggies like to farm. Farmers used to have slaves. The Jayhawks haven't forgotten. Neither will the lone Aggie survivor.
Jayhawks
Tar Heels v Jay Hawks
In the blue corner we have the soldiers famous for defending their rights to own other humans in the bloodiest war this country has ever experienced. In the darker blue corner we have the Kansans who were brutally killing people who claimed that right, and the war hadn't even started yet. The contestants are staring each other down as the ref steps into the ring. Wait, what's that? After all these gruesome conflicts and earth-shaking battles, after all the violence and terrible blood shed, the abstract concept brought in to referee the last bout is... History herself? The Tar Heels' faces fall as they realized the bitter truth: History is the final judge, and there is no way to bribe or extort her. The Tar Heels coach throws a towel into the ring, accepting the inevitable defeat. The Jayhawks are final victors.
