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Hello TL!
I'm making this post because I pretty much ran out of options. My father is now 59 years old, works 5 days a week in this health insurance company, is very good at what he does and gets paid well.
Problem is (and I don't know how to put this in another way), he just doesn't care about life anymore. After his mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's he has this attitude that his memory is also failing and soon enough he will be dead.
I take him out for lunch, dinner, movies, football matches and many others things every week. I have him travel the world with my mom, go to the beach and even skiing, however, his attitude never changes.
I had him go to doctors to check for his health and he is doing amazing in that department. I don't know what else to do to get him motivated, I tried gaming, sports, books, offered another college opportunity, and several different activities.
All I want is to see him wake up happy, motivated and interested in something. I want joy back in his life. Any suggestions are appreciated
Thanks.
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The love of a good woman can always change a man's view on life. (I'm being serious, not talking about paying for a prostitute.) I mean actually finding a way for him to meet a good woman.
If he is married... I don't know. Help your parents find a spark cuz I can only see the love of a good woman curing this.
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Sounds like depression? I don't think there is much you can do if he wants to be stubborn about it. Remind him that there are tons of people who are having a great time so why can't he fix his views so that he does as well.
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Sounds like you're already being the best son a Dad could ask for... all I can say is continue doing as you are so he knows people care, and hope that finds life worth it again. Think the change is going to have to come from within himself.
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On February 03 2011 05:31 jjun212 wrote:
The love of a good woman can always change a man's view on life. (I'm being serious, not talking about paying for a prostitute.) I mean actually finding a way for him to meet a good woman.
If he is married... I don't know. Help your parents find a spark cuz I can only see the love of a good woman curing this.
I can see that, and I agree with it. He's still married to my mother, and they love eachother. My mom is working is another town however, and all the negativity he has is working against me when i try to convince her to come back full time.
She's around 4-5 months every year, and he is indeed happier when they are together. They are so different now though, my mom is working on her second master's degree while writing a book, full of life. I want him to be more like her, back to his older self. They were identical for the first 20 years of the mariage, he just shrunk after my grandmother's illness.
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Sounds like he's alone. He has you, but everyone else is far or away. I feel bad for him and I know the feeling. My father works 7 days a week, about 8 hours a week to go home to a house I can't afford and with a house he can't seem to sell (somehow, he thought buying another house before selling his other one was a good idea).
All his children are in Canada (us 4) and his ex-wife is constantly victimizing him. He only can afford to see us once a year because he dishes so much money to pay for our education, etc. etc.
It's not the same as your predicament and I guess I'm kinda stealing the light here, but when I think of your father, I think of mine as well. He's never happy and I think it's just the idea that he's alone (his mother recently passed away).
What does he enjoy doing?
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On February 03 2011 05:54 Torte de Lini wrote:
Sounds like he's alone. He has you, but everyone else is far or away. I feel bad for him and I know the feeling. My father works 7 days a week, about 8 hours a week to go home to a house I can't afford and with a house he can't seem to sell (somehow, he thought buying another house before selling his other one was a good idea).
All his children are in Canada (us 4) and his ex-wife is constantly victimizing him. He only can afford to see us once a year because he dishes so much money to pay for our education, etc. etc.
It's not the same as your predicament and I guess I'm kinda stealing the light here, but when I think of your father, I think of mine as well. He's never happy and I think it's just the idea that he's alone (his mother recently passed away).
What does he enjoy doing?
Now that you mention it, he is happiest during our family reunions. They happen 1-2 times a month, to celebrate birthdays. He looks forward to them, but I can't have his brothers spend all their free time with him, so that's kinda limited.
He never really kept in touch with his old friends, mostly because the family is so huge, and his 6 brothers took that role. Not having their mother around definitely affected their bond.
He enjoys traveling, a lot, but he can only go 1-2 times a year, during holydays.
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Anyone else finding the urge to suggest hiring him a hooker?
I kid.
This definitely is depression, which in our day and age is becoming ever more common, as roles are becoming less defined, and purpose is no longer given. People feel like mindless drones stuck working uselessly. The best way to help is to address the issue head on, constantly, and consistently. There will be a lot of resistance at first, but slowly his reactions will start to wake them up, and they'll realize what's going on. Then you can assist him in seeking help.
The biggest cure for depression is friends and surrounding them with people. It's why depression help groups work so well DURING the group process, but then afterwards, if they don't keep in touch with people from their group, they go right back into it.
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Take him to life changing - motivating events / conferences - christian or non-christian that might motivate him to get a new perspective on things. Or try something totally different that will create new thoughts and experiences, instead of same old traditional sports games, movies or food. He seems to atleast join you, the question is what you feed him. If what you give him doesnt work, try something else. Good Luck, hope everything works out 
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If he doesn't have a passion for what he does, he might want to consider a new career or at the very least a hobby that can really develop a love for. At such a relatively late stage in life, it sounds like he needs a real passion that he can throw himself into. Maybe writing, decorative carpentry, religion, something to keep him occupied and cherish the time he spends with his family even more.
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Hungary11284 Posts
It might sound cheap, but how about getting him a pet, like a clever little dog? I have heard of studies of elderly people (especially those going for dementia) who improved rapidly when having something to care for every day. I have no idea about your father, but some people need to be doing stuff for someone, who's not themselves, in order to be active and caring.
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Depression and lack of 'happiness' is usually due to lack of goals, aka: lack of motivation. The fact that his mother has been diagnosed, has probably stressed him or maybe even deprived him of his 'connection' with the goal-making-achieving processes. Either way, attempt to motivate him by revealing him potential goals or deprive him of something he cares about but has no rights on. For example, your presence. It is kind of radical move but when people are getting closer to their end of their lives and they realize it by their peers getting sick or dying they need a bold or rather strong reminder of what life is, setting goals and trying to achieve them.
On the other hand, tempering directly or indirectly with another person's life can have unexpected/undesired consequences and thus the wisest would be to continue your life as usual and let your father attempt to overcome his issues. Failing to live up to his usual behavioural sequences does not indicate anything else than a change that sometimes does not correspond to the usual social archetypes of behaviour.
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Like others have kinda mentioned, maybe expand his social network a bit. Maybe there is a bridgeclub nearby, golf, something regular he can do once or twice a week might help.
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I am not a psychologist or person with experience in such field. That being said, I think he is simply sad that he has lost his mother more or less but can not move on in any way because she is still alive. If your father is a very straight forward man then I'm betting he could probably handle a straight forward death but when the gray areas pop up is when people like this seem to have problems.
I can't say what the best route to take would be but I have a feeling that your grandmothers health is going to play a large role in it no matter what. If you have never read the five stages of grief then I would recommend it because it is shockingly relevant and easily spot able. Best of luck to you and just remember that caring about your fathers well being and attempting to help is more than a lot of fathers get.
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Sounds like he might have depression. It's a common illness, especially in the elderly. You should suggest that he see a psychiatrist who can help with this VERY TREATABLE condition.
Don't listen to all the BS on this thread about "he just needs friends" or "tell him to just man up." See a doctor.
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Sounds like you're getting him to do physical active things. How is he in terms of reading - like philosophical books and stuff. Even if it keeps him depressed at least it'll be an insightful meaninglessness.
The alternative is turn him into a happy clappy evangelical Christian. But that might make you even more annoyed.
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I just had an open talk with one of his brothers, we decided to talk to him next sunday, during my girlfiend's birthday party. Gonna be very honest and tell him what we think, just try to show we are there and we care. We also just planned a trip to his hometown, gonna try to find his old college mates, I know one of them writes for a car magazine, so it shouldn't be too hard.
Trying to approach this carefully, I'm sure no one would like to hear "I think you should do X with your life". I'll post again next week with how it went
Thanks TL!
P.S.: Kinda funny, I would never post this on another forum, probably get trolled to death.
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On February 03 2011 05:42 jungle_BRAT wrote:
Sounds like you're already being the best son a Dad could ask for... all I can say is continue doing as you are so he knows people care, and hope that finds life worth it again. Think the change is going to have to come from within himself.
this.
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holy crap you are a pretty good son man, i can respect that.Tell us how the trip to his hometown and hooking him up with his college buddies go.
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Looking forward to the next blog ^^
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EPT
