EPT
Resident Evil: Afterlife
A comprehensive look at failure in movie form
A comprehensive look at failure in movie form
I'm a fan of Resident Evil. The games and the movies. Hell, I even have Outbreak, the half-decent but still pretty fun class based online RE in the same vein as the first few games (and not that new-fangled third-person shootery of 4 and 5, even though both of those are awesome too). I accept that the movies are only loosely based on the games. Hell, even the character Alice is loosely based on a crazy hodge-podge of Claire, Jill, and Alexia (despite Claire and Jill both showing up).
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/vTFGZ.jpg)
Even when it's an awful movie, Milla Jovovich is hot
And the first three were pretty good, despite what anyone says to the contrary (because anyone who says anything to the contrary is wrong). They entertained me, weren't completely awful (a la Hitman), and had Milla Jovovich in them. But Afterlife is quite easily the worst piece of garbage ever made*. But there are some things that really bug me about Afterlife. Let's start with the beginning.
Basically, it starts off in Tokyo, where Alice (along with Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, Alice, and Alice) raid one of Umbrella's crazy bunkers. Okay. Army of psychic clones...that still falls within the realm of possibility in the universe created by the first 3 movies. Okay. They fuck everything up. So Wesker is all like "I'm out of here" and then escapes on a plane. So far, so good. Then the Real Alice is like "bitch I'm on yo plane" and Wesker is like "lol I have a syringe full of AntiAlice" and stabs her in the neck with it. Then he proceeds to beat her up. Then, he's about to shoot her. Meanwhile there's some bullshit alarm going off, and a dumbass computerized voice stating "turbulence" every 3 seconds.
"Thank you," she says.
"For what?" Wesker responds.
"For making me human."
(This exchange is a direct quote, btw)
But wait...that makes no sense. I distinctly remember this scene from the 2nd movie:
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/6AArC.png)
So...at first she was like "I wanna be a crazy psychic" and then she was like "I don't like being a crazy psychic". What gives? The longer a zombie apocalypse goes on, the more you should want badass powers. You're going backwards.
Anyway, the plane then crashes into a mountain because Chairman Wesker, one of the smartest guys alive, forgot to hit the autopilot switch. Think about that. There's literally a switch to make the plane automatically NOT crash, and he doesn't switch it on before going to beat the ever living shit out of a psychic. What?
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/T75nd.jpg)
That shit...use it..
Isn't this the same guy who's in control of a multinational corporation which single handedly resulted in the apocalypse, yet still functions years later? Isn't this the company who decided to nuke a city just for shits and giggles? And the guy running it doesn't bother flipping a switch to keep his ass alive?
Okay, jump forward. She's in a plane. She's in Arcadia, Alaska, the infection free place. Wait, where the fuck did she get a plane and when did she learn how to fly? Anyway, she lands and is like "anyone there?" and then crazy as shit Claire Redfield is like "RAWR ATTACK". Alice kicks her ass, and takes off a spidery lookin thing stuck to her chest. Purpose of the spider? Make people forget. Oh and in 3 minutes we'll learn it also knocks people the fuck out.
Anyway, we proceed with the movie. They fly down from Alaska to LA (what, not fuel stops?) where they notice that the entire city is empty. No living. No unliving. Not even a scarecrow, nothing at---
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/6lPHZ.png)
Oh...nevermind
So Alice is like "okay I'll land on the roof" then she lands on the roof. At this point, she meets up with a bunch of people. I think it's safe to say right now that the only purpose these characters serve is to move the plot forward 10 minutes and then immediately die, and also one of them is black.
Oh, also, it's time for an executioner.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/6qdb9.jpg)
yep
Yeah. For no reason at all, the movie cuts to an executioner walking down the street. Where'd he come from? Why's he going straight to the prison? Is he another one of Umbrella's freaky mutant guys? What's the point of his existence? All of these questions will be answered shortly. Oh wait, no they won't. Nevermind. He's literally just in the movie to kill one guy (yes, ONE) and to extend the movie by 4 minutes.
So, they're in the prison. Alice is talking to some of the people who will be killed off in a few minutes. She learns about the guy in the basement. Wait isn't this familiar? Oh yeah, I saw it in Resident Evil: Code Veronica. Dude in the basement. Military guy, locked up. Yeah. Oh wait, Chris is STARS, not military. Guess the movie fucked that part up. Anyway, Chris is played by a guy who is trying to be Christian Bale. He's all like "I know a way out but won't tell these assholes until the let me out" and the assholes are like "We won't let him out until he tells out how to get out of the prison."
So the black guy shows Alice where the showers are and is like "I'll be right outside" and then some fuckin RE5 zombies bust through the floor and eat one of the assholes.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/rrKCr.jpg)
So obviously the Executioner starts beating the shit out of the front gates and Alice is all like "okay let him out" and the assholes oblige, of course. So he gets out, and is like "okay, APC in the garage, weapons cache downstairs, underwater." So one of the assholes, who for some reason is New Zealandish, Chris, and Alice jump into the water and start swimming towards the weapons cache. After they get out of the water into a hallway, another RE5 dude eats the asshole. Alice and Chris make it into the fortified room. Now, I should mention that there are about 12000 guns in this room. Please remember that.
So, they are trapped by a bunch of Zombies, at which point they are like "well what now?" and then they look at an air vent. So the escape that situation pretty easily wait what the fuck? Why not take the air vent DOWN in the first place? Anyway, by the time they get back upstairs, the executioner is at the gates beating on them with his giant fucking axe-hammer thing. By this point, some of the other assholes have cut their way into the garage with a plasma torch (btw, the cut they made should have taken about 12 hours). Uh-oh, the APC's engine is hanging from a rack and it's all fucked up. Well shit the Executioner knocked down the gates, guess we better run.
So they run to the roof where one of the assholes steals the plane and flies off towards the ship. Oh yeah, I probably should have mentioned that. They discovered Arcadia is a ship and it sailed down the coast. Anyway, he steals the plane is like "see ya, fuckers". Meanwhile, the surviving assholes make it down to the showers while Alice is like "I'll draw their fire". She tosses the bag of weapons she brought from the room. It turns out all it's got is a few bombs in it. 12000 guns and you take 6 bombs? The fuck, woman?
Anyway, she pulls a Die Hard and jumps off the roof clinging to a cable as the roof explodes. Now she's outside. And then she makes it inside.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/CKPhw.jpg)
Awesome Wesker, played by Jason O'Mara, from the end of Extinction
So She gets to the showers too. A couple assholes start making it down the hole that crazy RE5 fucker burst out of earlier. Alice and Claire are all like "okay, last asshole, your turn" and the guy is like "but I'm scared" then the Executioner cuts him in half with his axe. So, instead of diving down the hole which the 8 foot tall Executioner couldn't fit down if he was covered in lard, they stay and fight him. Neither of them gets a scratch. Meanwhile Alice blows the fucker's head off with a double barrel shotgun full of quarters.
So Alice and Claire go down the hole (bow chicka bow wow) and meet up with the black guy and Chris (the one asshole who stole the plane is alive, the black guy is alive, and the other 4 are dead. Or maybe it was only 3. I can't remember, since they are all pretty unimportant).
So now they're on a boat and headed towards the ship, which is mysteriously surrounded by fog. Oh yeah and the black guy got nabbed by some of the RE5 guys probably, but they never show what nabs him.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/DOtfp.jpg)
About 4 seconds before black guy gets nabbed
Anyway, they get on the ship and are like "nobody is home!" and so they search the ship. Down in the hold they start looking in the containers. One of them has an Umbrella corp logo on it. "It's a trap..."** so obviously they go in. Now they discover all these people in cryo storage. Then a hangar. Then a lab-ish room with, for some reason, a throne. Oh yeah and Wesker is sitting in it. And that other asshole works for Wesker now. So Alice is like "blah" and has to give her guns to the asshole and Wesker is like "I'm gonna eat you because I infected myself to stay alive and you're the only one who ever bonded with the T-Virus" and Alice is like FUCK NO. Oh yeah there's some RE5 dogs with the fuckin split head shit goin on too.
So then they fight and of course Claire and Chris find Alice. Oh yeah. The entire path of the ship is a straight line, and Claire and Chris followed Alice, yet somehow they come in from BEHIND Wesker, who is OPPOSITE Alice. So here is where the entire movie's budget was wasted. Wesker for some reason can teleport and shit like he does in RE5.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/w97Az.jpg)
Shitty Wesker who made me want to punch babies
They shoot him about 500 times and then go start waking everyone up. Then Wesker wakes up, eats the last asshole (seriously, that joke is the entire reason I've been calling these guys assholes this whole post), and takes off in a plane. Then he tries to blow up the ship with a Purge bomb (he did the same to Tokyo). But no, Alice thought ahead and put the bomb on the plane. Sucks to be you, Wesker.
So everyone is woken up. And then Umbrella swoops in with about 50 planes. Oh and there's a quick shot of the black guy being alive.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/UVRL4.png)
The fuck you gonna do now?
So, in summary, this movie make no god damn sense. And it set itself up for another one. God dammit.
Plot aside, the movie was shot with TV grade equipment, not studio grade, which really shows itself. Sure, Wesker teleporting like a badass was pretty cool, but Jason O'Mara was so much better than the jerk they got for Afterlife.
*It is, without a doubt.
** Direct. Fucking. Quote.
A Look Back
968 Posts
968 Posts
My past 968 posts were pretty crappy, I must admit. I got warned a couple times and even banned. A whole bunch of them were in LR threads (seriously, I've made almost 250 posts in the past week just due to GSL Ro4 D2 and MLG Dallas LR threads). I haven't had any epic posts (like this one). I have spent a bit of time on Liquipedia though, and I've racked up 1185 edits so far.
I'd like to encourage everyone to go make worthwhile edits. It's not difficult, and you'll be helping out. Stop by #liquipedia on QuakeNet if you ever need help with anything.
Nope, didn't think of anything]
Well, I did, but then I forgot
Well, I did, but then I forgot
So, thanks for reading, and here's to another 1000 posts. Hopefully I don't get banned on the way, this time.
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/bH7s0.png)
PS: Jill is back and she's fucked up by one of those spider things I was talking about
![[image loading]](http://imgur.com/nKCmT.png)
Oh yeah and the black guy is alive
