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A Perfect Life

Blogs > DoctorHelvetica
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DoctorHelvetica
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States15034 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-20 23:28:41
February 20 2010 08:28 GMT
#1
I wrote this story. I originally posted this on /x/ and the response was very positive, so I hope someone on TeamLiquid will appreciate it. I'm not very confident in my ability to write fiction, so please be kind!

[image loading]


A Perfect Life


He had a picture perfect life. He was married, he had children, he had a lovely family in a nice house. There was a white picket fence. There was a dog. There was everything he needed and desired. Every day was perfect for him. He got a raise the day he asked for it at work, he got a promotion too.

But there was something very wrong. He couldn't shake the feeling his life was too perfect. He woke up every day and looked at his beautiful wife. She seemed to get more beautiful everyday. Maybe she did. He walked downstairs and ate breakfast with his children. They were the sort of children he always wanted, the kind of children that never caused trouble. His boy was the star of his baseball team, his girl got perfect grades in school and played the piano with skill and grace.

He soon became sure that something was very very wrong with his life. He went to bed that night feeling uncertain. When he woke up he looked at his wife. Somehow she didn't look as pretty as he remembered. Her hair had darkened, her eyes were a dark blue instead of that piercing blue he loved so much. Her skin was worn and wrinkled. He held back a gasp, faking a smile as he looked at the decrepit creature that had replaced his wife.

"Is something wrong dear?" She asked. Her voice was raspy. Her expression wasn't curious or worried, but....it was angry.

He shook his head and stumbled down stairs. His eyes widened when he saw his children. Their clothes were ragged and stained, their faces grey and shrunken.

"Hi Daddy!" they cried out. He said nothing. He wanted to vomit. He stumbled out the door and gasped in horror at what he saw. Everything was dead. The grass was dead. The homes had the paint peeling off the walls. There were no cars except his own. There was nothing.

He got in his car and drove to the place where he worked. He somehow knew he had to play along. That he had to pretend everything was normal. Maybe it was, maybe this was all a dream or a hallucination. He stopped his car and stared at his office building. It looked like it hadn't been used in decades.

He sat in the drivers seat, panting. He wanted to vomit but all he could do was sit there and sweat. This was too real to be his imagination. He flipped on the radio, but it didn't turn on. Of course.

He entered his office building. He was shocked the elevator still worked. The walls were tattered and brown, paint peeling off the ceiling. Dust covered everything, it was hard to breathe. Was this reality? Was his perfect world just a dream?

His heart froze upon seeing his so-called "co-workers." They gazed over their cubicles and stared at him with glowing red eyes. The light was dim, perhaps only a single small generator powered the building. The brightest light was the glowing crimson of their eyes, following him as he shuffled slowly to his desk.

There were footsteps behind him. He knew who it was. His boss had just given him a raise, he was grateful, but was he one of them?

A hand on his shoulder. It was cold. He looked at it. The skin was blue and rotting, the fingernails twisted and sharp claws.

"Very good work you've been doing lately" The boss' voice was a growl, something inhuman and dark. He couldn't speak. He managed to stammer out an answer.

"Why th-th-thank you, sir..." he stammered. Shit. He knew he wasn't acting the same. The Boss tightened his grip on his shoulder. There was pain.

"Are you alright?" The Boss asked. Again, his voice wasn't worried. His voice was angry, menacing, overflowing with ill intent.

"No, I'm not!" He smacked his Boss' hand away and ran for the door. Maybe if he just ran forever he cold escape. Maybe he would wake up from this nightmare, to his beautiful wife, to his beautiful children.

Two creatures he once called co-workers jumped in front of the door. This had to be a dream. It couldn't be real. They tackled him to the floor and one of them pulled a syringe out of his pocket. Their faces were a pale blue, their skin pulled tight against their skulls like rubber. The creature on the left. Was that Jack? His smile was full of malice, his teeth replaced by rows of fangs.

"Why!? Why?! What is this world?!" He screamed.

His Boss stood over him as the others pinned him down.

"You're the only one left. You're the only one left alive. We need you to feed. To survive. We can't let you die, we can't let you run." The Boss seemed almost sad. "Don't worry. Everything will be as happy as can be."

He struggled and thrashed, but it was no use. The needle plunged into his arm and everything faded to black.

He woke up the next morning next to his wife. She was so beautiful. Her long blonde hair always shimmered against the sunlight. He felt a bit frightened, he had a horrible dream that he was in a world where everyone he knew and loved were monsters. Maybe demons.

"Honey, I had a bad dream." He turned to his wife dripping cold sweat.

"Don't worry about it dear, everyone has nightmares. This is what's real ok?" She was right. Of course this world was real. She looked a bit worried, what a caring wife.

"By the way dear, isn't it your day to donate blood?" She asked, quite out of the blue.

"I get the feeling I've done that already..." He said.

"No, I don't think you have. It's very important that you do, just think of all the sick people who need it!" She said quite seriously. What a wonderful woman who cares so much about others. He trusted his wife, of course. He walked down the stairs to be greeted by his beautiful children. His son had just won MVP for his little league! How wonderful his life was. He drove down to the hospital to donate blood before heading to work. He couldn't help but smile at how grateful the doctor was for his donation.

Maybe he'll ask for another raise.

***
RIP Aaliyah
DrivE
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United States2554 Posts
February 20 2010 08:37 GMT
#2
wow great read!
LUCK IS NO EXCUSE
ieatkids5
Profile Blog Joined September 2004
United States4628 Posts
February 20 2010 08:42 GMT
#3
very very cool
the disturbing stories thread inspired you?
Boonbag
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
France3318 Posts
February 20 2010 08:46 GMT
#4
I dont get it
JadeFist
Profile Blog Joined August 2007
United States1225 Posts
February 20 2010 08:50 GMT
#5
On February 20 2010 17:46 Boonbag wrote:
I dont get it

Jonoman92
Profile Blog Joined September 2006
United States9110 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-20 09:04:34
February 20 2010 09:04 GMT
#6
Really incredible that you packed such a story in so few words. I liked it a lot.
+ Show Spoiler +

It's.... the matrix! (kinda)
alffla
Profile Blog Joined November 2005
Hong Kong20321 Posts
February 20 2010 09:04 GMT
#7
is this some kinda matrix-y thing lol
Graphicssavior[gm] : What is a “yawn” rape ;; Masumune - It was the year of the pig for those fucking defilers. Chill - A clinic you say? okum: SC without Korean yelling is like porn without sex. konamix: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!
Thratur
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada917 Posts
February 20 2010 09:05 GMT
#8
I am amazed, DoctorHelvetica.
DoctorHelvetica
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States15034 Posts
February 20 2010 09:06 GMT
#9
On February 20 2010 18:04 alffla wrote:
is this some kinda matrix-y thing lol


[image loading]


u gotta problem with dat?
RIP Aaliyah
ghrur
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
United States3786 Posts
February 20 2010 09:08 GMT
#10
Whoa, freaky and well worth the read. Thank you.
darkness overpowering
pathy
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
Taiwan619 Posts
February 20 2010 09:09 GMT
#11
omg wow. awesome stuff :D
Graphicscolosi suck
lu_cid
Profile Joined April 2008
United States428 Posts
February 20 2010 09:45 GMT
#12
I like it. Do you ever read Bentley Little?
Vic.nQQ
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
Bulgaria88 Posts
February 20 2010 10:15 GMT
#13
Wow really nice read Helvetica!

Have you ever thought about expanding it? I really liked the story and now I can't help having a ton of curiosity about the setting - what happened to the world? what is the "zombies" plan to "revive" humanity with the last man's "help"?



Btw for some reason this reminded me of a very old TV series I used to watch when I was younger. There humanity had already expanded in space and was seemingly in peace and prosper, never fighting between each other, but instead always working together and stuff against the "aliens" in their quest of mining the new expensive ore they found.

In the end it turned out that there are no aliens, but the soldiers are using a "vaccine" to protect themselves from an alien virus, just that it was not a vaccine, but drug that makes them think that the other soldiers are aliens.





Anyway, continuation or not this was a great story, you should keep writing those ^_^
it's awesome!
I believe!
Waxangel
Profile Blog Joined September 2002
United States33680 Posts
February 20 2010 10:16 GMT
#14
cool story, bro

for any of you guys who enjoyed that kind of tale, here's a 12 page or so short story that's similar

The Hanging Stranger
AdministratorHey HP can you redo everything youve ever done because i have a small complaint?
BookTwo
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
1985 Posts
February 20 2010 10:30 GMT
#15
Very impressive Sir, very impressive.
Hamartia
Profile Joined February 2010
United States18 Posts
February 20 2010 11:13 GMT
#16
Another good Helvetica tale, thanks for posting it here.
I'm going to do terrible, terrible damage to Dustin Browder if SC2 doesn't come out this year.
Elroi
Profile Joined August 2009
Sweden5617 Posts
February 20 2010 11:22 GMT
#17
TLs own Edgar Poe
"To all eSports fans, I want to be remembered as a progamer who can make something out of nothing, and someone who always does his best. I think that is the right way of living, and I'm always doing my best to follow that." - Jaedong. /watch?v=jfghAzJqAp0
okum
Profile Blog Joined February 2009
France5779 Posts
February 20 2010 11:23 GMT
#18
Very well done.
Flash fan before it was cool | Coiner of "jangbang"
meegrean
Profile Joined May 2008
Thailand7699 Posts
February 20 2010 11:38 GMT
#19
wow, that was interesting..
Brood War loyalist
wo0py
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
Netherlands922 Posts
February 20 2010 12:23 GMT
#20
Nice writings Doc!
We shouldnt recreate anger of the non-virtual world
Hornett
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States17 Posts
February 20 2010 13:27 GMT
#21
On February 20 2010 18:04 alffla wrote:
is this some kinda matrix-y thing lol


No, it's some kind of zombie thing. Zombies need him to constantly donate blood or something
float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
virpi
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Germany3599 Posts
February 20 2010 13:35 GMT
#22
I liked it. Please write more, the setting is cool!
first we make expand, then we defense it.
love1another
Profile Blog Joined December 2009
United States1844 Posts
February 20 2010 14:18 GMT
#23
I LOVE IT! If you become a real MD, will you continue to write fiction on the side?
"I'm learning more and more that TL isn't the place to go for advice outside of anything you need in college. It's like you guys just make up your own fantasy world shit and post it as if you've done it." - Chill
kyzers0ze
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Singapore1073 Posts
February 20 2010 14:20 GMT
#24
Great read!
8==========))
samachking
Profile Blog Joined August 2007
Bahrain4949 Posts
February 20 2010 14:28 GMT
#25
Great short story, a nice mix between Brave New World and The Giver. Two of my favorite novels, I love dystopian novels so much. If you really want to become good at this stuff you have to keep on writing all the time, take it as your main hobby and never give it up. I have a friend who was writing poetry from the sixth grade and now he is a sick poet.
"And then Earthlings discovered tools. Suddenly agreeing with friends could be a form of suicide or worse. But agreements went on, not for the sake of common sense, or decency, or self preservation, but for friendliness."
new_construct
Profile Blog Joined September 2005
Canada1041 Posts
February 20 2010 16:33 GMT
#26
On February 20 2010 22:27 Hornett wrote:
Show nested quote +
On February 20 2010 18:04 alffla wrote:
is this some kinda matrix-y thing lol


No, it's some kind of zombie thing. Zombies need him to constantly donate blood or something

I believe it is vampires not zombies. Zombies are stupid and don't drink blood.
Wasper
Profile Joined February 2010
United States2 Posts
February 20 2010 21:36 GMT
#27
On February 21 2010 01:33 new_construct wrote:
Show nested quote +
On February 20 2010 22:27 Hornett wrote:
On February 20 2010 18:04 alffla wrote:
is this some kinda matrix-y thing lol


No, it's some kind of zombie thing. Zombies need him to constantly donate blood or something

I believe it is vampires not zombies. Zombies are stupid and don't drink blood.


Your mom is stupid and doesn't drink blood
Intr3pid
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
Switzerland336 Posts
February 20 2010 21:48 GMT
#28
You sir are a talented bastard!
il0seonpurpose
Profile Blog Joined January 2007
Korea (South)5638 Posts
February 20 2010 22:57 GMT
#29
Can you explain it please?
DoctorHelvetica
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States15034 Posts
February 20 2010 23:06 GMT
#30
On February 21 2010 07:57 il0seonpurpose wrote:
Can you explain it please?


I wrote a post-apocalyptic vampire short story on /x/ but it wasn't recieved well because I emphasized the vampire thing to much and the ending felt forced. So I revised it into this, where it's sort of a vampire matrix where the vampire society desperately need to keep the last living human in a delusional fantasy world so they can harvest his blood.

I wanted to make it subtle though. The syringe they inject him with is the drug that makes him project his inner desires into reality, thus giving him the "perfect life"
RIP Aaliyah
DoctorHelvetica
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States15034 Posts
February 20 2010 23:28 GMT
#31
I revised it, I hope it's improved.
RIP Aaliyah
Jonoman92
Profile Blog Joined September 2006
United States9110 Posts
February 20 2010 23:39 GMT
#32
I just re-read it. Personally I preferred the first version.

A few of the modifications I noticed:

"He was shocked the elevator still worked. The walls were tattered and brown, paint peeling off the ceiling. Dust covered everything, it was hard to breathe. Was this reality? Was his perfect world just a dream?"

"The creature on the left. Was that Jack? His smile was full of malice, his teeth replaced by rows of fangs."

"It's very important that you do, just think of all the sick people who need it!" She said quite seriously. What a wonderful woman who cares so much about others."

I'm not a writer at all though... but imo they just don't add much. Especially that last one about his wife.
Jonoman92
Profile Blog Joined September 2006
United States9110 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-02-20 23:42:14
February 20 2010 23:41 GMT
#33
Also this line which I don't remember from the first post:

"Don't Worry. Everything will be as happy as can be."

I feel like that makes what is going on too obvious. Blatantly telling the reader what is going on makes it so they don't get to realize it themselves. Just my 2 cents.
ShaLLoW[baY]
Profile Blog Joined January 2007
Canada12499 Posts
February 23 2010 20:05 GMT
#34
HEY WTF
You wrote this? I was trawling various creepypasta sources and thought this one was particularly good. Nice work, dude
ALEXISONFIRE ARE FUCKING BACK (sAviOr for life)
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