Off-Topic General Discussion - Page 4298

My depression started in the 5th grade. In my school district there are 4 k-4 schools that filter into a 5-6 school. All of the sudden, instead of knowing at least 3/4th of the kids in every class I had, all of the sudden I was lucky to know 3. My grades started dropping and I stopped caring about learning. In 6th grade, I had a teacher that I remember being very angry at me for not doing my work, so I started skipping classes and getting into trouble. My depression deepened. Grade 7-8 was much of the same as I shirked schoolwork, relied on my natural intelligence to do as little as I could to pass, and became more of a misfit.

In 9th grade, I really hit rock bottom. I attempted suicide a few times and after each time was sent to rehab. Luckily, I got over my suicidal phase but I didn't know what to do with life, my depression didn't get much better. The next 3 years proceeded to see me doing even less than the required amount to pass, forcing me into summer school and classes for people that can't cope with school. I kept getting into more and deeper trouble and skipping more and more classes. It actually got so bad that I got to know the disciplinary staff on a first name basis. I think they felt bad for me because a) it didn't take long to figure out who I was and b) even if they thought I did something, if they pulled me down and asked me if I did it, I would fess up. I didn't try to escape punishment if they felt they knew. That's not to say I didn't get away with things though.

In senior year, things were looking up somewhat. I had gotten into an LDR that I was pretty happy with. Given my shit school situation, I went to my local community college for Chemistry. After a year, I realized that Chemistry wasn't going to work for me as a career path. I decided I wanted to do computer repair. I looked things up and kept seeing requirements for a CompSci degree, and I thought programming was interesting, so I went into that. My awful ability to give a shit in school reared it's ugly head and I wasted a couple years on that. Eventually one of my teachers pulled me aside one day after class and asked why I was still doing this. I told her and she advised I get into networking, because that's more in favor for repair jobs for in-house work. So I got into that and I loved the concept of it, but I struggled with the same school shit.

About 6 months before I had intended to propose to my LDR, she left. Mind you, this was literally 2 weeks before I had finished getting my shit together for an entire semester. I had all the ability to do what I wanted to do but... didn't want to do anything anymore. I resigned myself to just finish out my degree and get into repair like I had originally thought, but as fate would have it, I was 1 semester short. The main pillar of the curriculum is a series of 4 Cisco classes that after you finished them all take a certification test. After I had finished the 3rd class, they updated their classes and I would have had to start over again. I had spent 5 years struggling through community college and all I got was a "you've been here too long" degree. So I said fuck it and left, never looking back.

Notice how I've never talked about jobs so far? That's because the best job I had was 3 months as data entry for GMAC Mortgage(where my mom worked) in 2006 to pay for plane tickets to my LDR for Christmas break. It was a small job and I couldn't expect them to hold the job for me while I took a long absence, so we agreed that if I wanted to come back afterwards they'd rehire me. Remember what happened in early 2007? That's right, the housing market popped. The entire system that the company was going to migrate to, that all my work was based on, was scrapped as the company tried to pick up the pieces. With it went my job. Since then I've done shitty not even 20 hr a week jobs while I was in school. I haven't had an actual job since Black Friday 2013.

I have no decent work experience, no education that I can go "well I got this nice degree," 0 self esteem, and the mere thought of applying for jobs terrifies me into paralysis. I want to be in a relationship but know that, honestly, I'm in no shape to be in one. As a result, I've entire stopped looking. Come this summer, I don't even know where I'm going to be living, because I won't be able to live here anymore.