Off-Topic General Discussion - Page 4247

Where to begin. I guess the most timely thing is my grandfather just passed away. Not too surprising, he hadn't been in too good of shape and my family moved him into a nursing home but his decline came fast and hard. He just retired from his job as a mechanic like a year ago and he was relatively healthy before then. So that sucks, gotta go to the showing tomorrow and then the funeral Saturday. I'm not looking forward to that because I don't deal well with lots of other people being sad. I'm sad but I'm not comforted by being sad with a bunch of other people, even if they are family.

Also, I've come to the realization that apart from a few exceptions I really fucked up when it came to choosing my close friends in college. I've made a lot of good friends that I like seeing when I go out, but my core group, mostly my roommates, annoy me a lot these days. They like to drink and go out and just party in general which is all well and good but sometimes I like to take it easy. Also none of them really share the nerdier interests I do. Like they'll play Smash with me and stuff but it's not that same as when I visit friends at Ohio State and we talk about Hearthstone, League, anime, comics and other stereotypically nerdy shit (basically what we talk about in here ha). My one roommate in particular has been a real dick this year. He gets enjoyment out of being annoying and just says whatever he wants and calls people faggot and retard if you get offended he just says “what? I was just kidding” (he might as well be European). Plus I'm not working so I don't see my old work friends as much anymore which sucks (I see them out at the bars sometimes but it's not the same). I guess I just wish I would have made more meaningful relationships because there's like one friend down here that I feel comfortable talking to about the sort of stuff in this post.

Moving on, my self-esteem has been really poor as of late. I just feel unwanted and worthless despite probably being the most in shape I've ever been in my life. I know you're supposed to work out for yourself but I'm basically just trying to be more attractive and when I don't get any attention I feel shitty. Which I know is wrong but for whatever reason there's a disconnect in my brain that understands that and the part that controls how I actually feel. When we are out at bars I just see all these attractive girls and think “man those are girls I'll never talk to.” And I know people will just say “what do you have to lose, just get rejected!” but I would describe myself as having a crippling fear of rejecting. Idk if it's an anxiety thing or something but the idea of being rejected is terrifying to me. I don't think I'm ugly or anything but I know there are A) more attractive guys, and B) guys with more confidence than me so I feel like I'll always lose to that.

And it's not like I don't get any girls or anything, I made out with a couple girls this semester but nothing really came of it. And then to make it worse there's this one girl who is clearly into me and we have a lot in common but I'm just not attracted to her. It makes me feel shitty because all I want is to be wanted and here's someone who is actually into me but I've been molded by society in such a way I don't find her attractive. It makes me feel shitty and shallow but there's not really anything I can do to change how I feel.

Enough about girls. I have no idea what I'm doing after I finish up school. I'm done with classes and the only reason I'm still in town is because I got an internship here which was the last thing I need to graduate. My internship is pretty unfulfilling but I need it to graduate. I'm getting some PR experience but I really should have tried way harder to get an internship at an advertising agency because that's what I really want to do. But that's also my fault because there were a couple summers where I went home to work and I should have been trying to get an internship instead. I see all my classmates with their future prospects and their impressive resumes and I just know I fucked up real bad and finding a worthwhile job that I won't hate is going to be really hard and I have no one to blame but myself.

I guess that's the major gist of everything. There's really only one person I talk to in person that knows I feel this way at all. I don't actively try to hide it or anything but when people are around I act really normal. I guess I don't want people to know how I feel because I don't want to be judged. I've never been treated for depression or anything but I guess I'd say I feel depressed when I'm alone. Idk if I feel better now that I've typed this, I honestly didn't expect to write this much (although I'm still leaving out bits and pieces). So idk, maybe I just survive my current situation and hope I land a job somewhere and start fresh. That would probably help.