Epic Mafia Quotes - Page 2

On August 29 2010 02:18 bumatlarge wrote:
Time to be useful. I am the god damn batman

BumAtLarge was less tipsy then he wanted to be that night, stumbling around people's backyards. He had his favorite batman mask on of course. He found himself in a bush, right next to zeks' backdoor! What a nice gentleman, always giving bum change. Before bum had the chance to leave the kind man's abode, a spiffy looking fellow came through the backway (only zeks' closest friends came that way). Bum's vision was wiggty-wack, so he couldnt recognize him. Zeks greeted the man late at night with open arms. Soon after a scruffy man with blood in his eyes, looking for answers cam crashing over the fence. he almost ran right into bum, but he was to preoccupied with his mission (whatever that was. Immediately two other men broke from hiding paces, ignoring each other and heading straight through the backdoor. A large tussel took place, and bum was too drunk to actually help (HE WASNT SCARED, HES THE GODDAMN BATMAN)

Moments later, all 4 men left chasing one another into the night. Zeks, alive thank heavens, stared out at them a few seconds with a wide open mouth, that turned into determination rather quickly. He phoned the police, and bum knew better then to loiter much longer.

The next day, zeks stood in trial to decide the truth to his story. It turns out he was a suspect in the mishandling of some docuements, leading people to doubt him. Bum came up as his alter ego, Brum Warge, homeless philosopher extraordinaire. He verified zeks tune, and gave zeks a wink, but zeks was glaring intently ahead, that determined look again. Bum couldn't really sort out zeks motives, as he never finished 3rd grade, but he was willing to put his life in the hands of the town with zeks to authenticate what happened that night.



THE GOD DAMN BATMAN

On August 31 2010 11:35 bumatlarge wrote:
AHEM I MEAN

Bumatlarge was high as a kite that evening. Town actually appreciated his batman antics and gave him some pot, which is legal in liquidia ofc. Batman mask set, he roamed the night. HOLY SHIT A CAT. Oh look LSD's house. Bum sneaks in the back alley, tries to climb over a fence, but it swings open at the climax of his climb. Gravity being the bitch that it is, sent bum on a 3 foot skydive into a trashcan! HOLY SHIT A RACCOON. OW. Bum thanks his lucky stars he developed a rabies immunity when he got bit by that raccoon a second ago. Before Bum could question his reasoning, he runs into some dude smokin a cig at the backdoor.

"Sup homes" Bum said in his gravelly voice
"Uh hello"
"You the tracker?" Bum said in his cementy voice
"Sure.. are you high?"
"YOU BET" Bum said in a stoned voice

bum quickly started talking about his encounters with untame beasts and popular topics often discussed by the stalkers of the night, and the other guy smoked a whole pack. before bum knew it, the sun was coming out!

"Aight later did what I needed too" and then he left.

"Oh wait- oh fudgepops" Bum pebbled.

On September 03 2010 06:54 bumatlarge wrote:


Bum was in the ZONE tonight. Nothing was gonna give him up or let him down, run around or desert him. He didnt have any beer or pot, his mind was clear as london on a not-so-foggy day. He saw his target house, and bee-lined for it. Man who lived in such a shitty house, everything was falling apart. So bum got into position and waited. And he kept waiting. After about 5 hours, he figured no one was coming and went to leave. He heard a loud crash in the house and immediately ran to the window. He saw three beautiful women in bikinis cooking in the kitchen.

"I think I've stumbled upon paradise. I don't think I can take it anymore, those huge juicy morsels on those sandwiches look delicious! Is that salmon on there?"

Suddenly the window gave way and bum fell into the kitchen. The girls looked confused, but they smiled and helped bum up and gave him a sandwich. It was salmon! And it was a nice place on the inside, alot of fung-shway

"Come into the courtyard" the girl said
"Uhhh i fink I should be going..." Bum said with his face stuffed
"Aw, I made a delicious milkshake there."
"Well a milkshake does sound good right now."

So after that milkshake brought bum to the yard, the girls started to eat alot of food on these tables out here. They were kneeling on the floor and the tables were very low.

"Really letting yourselves go tonight huh?"
"Well winter is coming up"

Suddenly it became clear to bum. The salmon and the eating and the winter and the bikinis. These were not women, they were bears. Suddenly the bears started to attack bum. Shit, pondered bum, those bears are starting to attack me. Oh bother. After a long intervention scene involving winnie the pooh, bum grabbed a jar of honey on one of the tables and smashed it on the ground. The bears diverted their attention to the honey and started eating and playing around in it.

"Time to get out of here!"

But a bear was blobking his path. The bear drew out a katana from a sheath on his belt. Suddenly it became clear to bum. The fwang shay and the tables and the katana. These were not bears, they were ninjas. Suddenly, ninjas, thousand of them were fluttering around the courtyard noiselessly. Oh poop. Think Bum THINK. He recalled having a handbook a long time ago, that depicted a list of things ninjas cant touch. Invisibility was one, but bum could not be invisible because that would be awesome. Hmmmm they cant catch you if you are fire, but bum didnt know how to harness the power of fire. There was one more that was actually relevant.... hmmmmmmmmmm.....

Oh yeah,

"IM THE GOD DAMN BATMAN." Bum batmanned.

The ninjas gasped but then stopped gasping.

"No you're not."
"YES I AM!"
"Nope."
"Uh what no yes i am?"
"Where is your mask?"

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Bum's hand went to his face and the horror set in. He didn't bring his mask. Humiliated, Bum ran through the house and out the door. The sun was up.

"Shouldn't we catch him? He's not batman."
"The humiliation of thinking you are batman and not actually being batman is worse then anything we can do. Let him go."

Apparently ninjas can't catch you if you are insane.

On September 04 2010 13:51 bumatlarge wrote:
*Man do I have to write another story? Maybe a story about what happened. And why is it that I always imagine the whackest scenarios. I wish I was a doctor, then no one would be dead from scum. Maybe I just lied about being watcher, and Im actually a godfather gunless mafia? Maybe I have AIDS? I am a bum. Why am I posting on this forum playing a game with all these strangers? WHAT AM I DOING?!*

Bum's head popped off his mossy log in a feverish sweat. Oh what a nightmare that was. He quickly grabbed his batman mask (cant forget that) and went off into the night!

After bum's convoluted dream, he actually thought he was a doctor for a moment. "If I was a doctor, who would I protect? Well obviously not citizen because then theyd just roleblock me if they were gonna hit him... And the only other viable person is bumatlarge, but hes such an awesome guy, why would I shoot him?" So bum went off to JeeJee's house to get some advice, because bum was pretty sure he was a super secret doctor. Or a malicious bastard.

On his way, bum was stopped by commissioner Gordon.

"Evening, com-mish-en-er"
"Who are you?"
"...I'm batman..."
"Oh you look, uh you cant ask JeeJee's advice on anything, it's against the rules."
"What im just paying a visit"
"Well then thats your visit"
"Can I talk to him then?'
"No"
"Can I pretend to talk to him in my story?"
"Uh what yeah sure I guess..."
"Awesome"

After outsmarting Ace- uh I mean commissioner Gordon, Bum waltzeded off to JeeJee's house completely ignoring everyones advice on who to watch.

GG had a big house, bum hoped to have a big house like that one day, or even a small house, or a house at all. Bum knew the routine hands down now, fall over the fence, and see how goes in out the backdoor. Bum never thought it strange that he never checked who went out and in the front door, because that was another citizen's job. Bum started to climb the fence but an alarm went off. Suddenly ninjas, thousands of them...

Bum's head popped off his pillow, and Leonardo DeCaprio was standing over him. "We need to go deeper."

Bum's head popped off his pillow. "Jesus Christ!"
"Yes?"
"Is this another dream?"
"Uh no, dont you have a job to do?"
"Oh yeah!"

TIME MACHINE

Bum was waiting in the bushes by JeeJee's back patio. OoOoO a patio thinks hes better then everyone hope he gets shot... BANG. CRASH. JeeJee flew out the window straight at bum. Before Bum realized what hit him.. JeeJee hit him right in the forehead. So it took bum a really long time to realize what him because Bum blacked out.

-
-
-

"DING DING DINGDINGDING! You're pokemon have been fully healed" Said Nurse Joy.
"wattttt?" Bum psyducked
"..wtf.." JeeJee drowzily uttered
"You are alive!" Bum chantsied!
"I am alive..." JeeJee mewtwo'd
"Not so fast."

Three guys in ridiculous costumes with funky hats and a large R on their chests were there so suddenly, that there is no adjective other then suddenly that can accurately depict how suddenly they were there.

"I find your lack of scuminess disturbing" One guy said who had a darth vader helmet on. And then he choked JeeJee to death.

"YOU BASTARD YOU KILLED JEEJEE."
"Yeah I know Im supposed to, thats how the game works."
"Oh I guess so..."
"Then you wouldn't mind me doing this" Nurse Joy said.

But it wasnt nurse joy it was A RANDOM RASTAFARIAN. POP. Right in the Darth helmet! Darth*insert random articles here* fell over and his comrades fled the scene.

"Aw JeeJee is dead..."
"He would have died anyway"
"What how?"
"I would have killed him."
"... Why?"
"I cant help it, its how the game works"
"Ok... then I guess I cant help but be batman?"
"Exactly"
"Nice"

Bum's head slowly rose from his pillow. Ace was standing over him.

"Uh sorry about that, you werent supposed to be hit..."
"Yeah but I saw all those people!"
"No you just had a crazy dream after you read my post. But you did mutter something about 3 guys throwing JeeJee out a window"
"Oh yeah, off the top of my head I remember the silouettes."
"Off the top of your head, JeeJee died!"
"HAHA ACE" Bum winked and pointed to ace with both fingers
Ace did a DK taunt from SSB, scratch the weird smoker cough noise

On October 14 2010 14:35 bumatlarge wrote:
Bumatlarge was enjoying a nice slice of raw veal in His prison cell, remembering the good old days. His old cousin always made such a ruckus of Bum residing in that shabby attic, but he had gotten over that fact quite quickly when his first limb came off. 400 years later, a little bit after WWI, bum's vampiric physician diagnosed bum with YFI disorder, also known as 'your fuckin insane'. Traumatized, Bum went batshit crazy that night, flinging bat shit all over the place, and eating people. The Vampire order told bum this was unacceptable, one tastes the wine and spits it out, it was said, a lesson learned when in your early vampire years, along with dont run with wooden stakes. So for a good part of a century, poor bum was locked away forced to eat dead things. Alone. Yes, that's the key word, the most awful word in the English tongue. Murder doesn't hold a candle to it and hell is only a poor synonym. That made Bum have to pee. Rattling his chains away, he rose from his chair and went to the chamber pot in the corner, commencing his business... someone is here watching me pee, bum thought to himself, taking a silent whiff of the scent. The chains were strong, maybe the prey would misjudge the slack when he entered. It was definitely human, his caretaker was not, and had a little more... finesse in his step. This prey was blunt and quiet. The window. They left it nice and open. Bum licked his lips.

"Die monster, you don't belong in this world!"
"It was not by my han- oh how clever..."
Bum was still facing the other way, a nice full shadow of the visitor spoke volumes against the cell wall Bum was near. The moon was hospitable tonight.
"I will end you here and now."
Steps forward sounded.
"Very well then... HAVE AT Y-"
A stake sprouted from Bum's chest.
"Oh come on!"
"That was anticlimatic."
Before bum turned around, the hand he swung his arm behind him, but it dissipated to dust upon touching the man's neck.
"I thought I read your shadow perfectly."
"No thats a stain on the wall..."
"Oh I forgot my contacts! Dr. H, can I get another shot?"
An intercom sounded.
"Sorry Bum, you're dead."
"God damn..."
Bum was taking longer to fade away then he thought.
"Well this sucks"
"Before tonight I wasnt even sure vampires existed"
"Yeah they sure do, along with elves, gremlins and eskimos."
"Really?"
"Yeah"
Bum slowly evaporated into dust. But not before he started twinkling.
"FUCKING SERIOUS?!"

THE END

On January 17 2011 10:03 bumatlarge wrote:


AHEM, almost forgot.

Night 1.

Batman was feeling frisky tonight. A night on the town would do him some good. He gets his mask and detective kit and flies into the night!

Bum decided Kenpachi was his first visit. Bum needed to get those upper classmen to pay for taking his top draft role (CURSE REBIRTH AND ALL OF HIS SMURF). Bum fondly remembers going all hero on LoR for claiming vanilla after attempting to take traitor. Bum was like if Rorschach and Gargamel had a baby. Bum reached Kenpachi's house and decided to go on the front Porsche. He Forded the fence with both Hondas the rails and leaped over despite his Chevy muscles. He peeked into the windows and saw darkness. A Jack of the trades would be busy in the situation town was in. After whisper shouting "ROLE COP!" , Bum head butted the glass. His sharp wit made the glass dissipate without a sound. Awesome doesn't make a sound. And Batman is awesome so.

Bum crept through the house, as he had express permission by Ace to actually trespass an look through stuff. Bum was tinkering around and saw a lot of incriminating stuff. Mario mustaches, glasses the size of large coins (which is average for glasses) and assorted Italian cuisine. "Well maybe Jack is an Italian name."

Bum heard a noise from the other room. He Snickered as something less awesome made it's presence known. Kenpachi for certain. Bum snuck into the chamber. First thing, Kenpachi was extraordinarily fat. Uncountable Mounds of fatness. He also noticed 100Grand on the table, and also about hundred thousand dollars on the table. A picture on the wall with Kenachi shaking Babe Ruth's hand. This guy had his roots deep, I mean no one has that much hair. He also seemed to have connections. This must be the mafia crimelord. But Bum must have also gotten tricked into coming here. Bum was gonna try to sneak out, when he heard footsteps. Thinking on his feet, Bum quickly turned his attention away from his shoes and ran behind the Bossman , taking off his mask.

2 Thugs walked in with guns pointing at some fellas. One of them looked at Bum and said "RaRaRee, I spy a townie" but a thug kicked him in the knee. Persistent, the guy said "RaRaRass, no really that guy ain't mafia!" The thug proceeded to kick him in the other knee. "Don't talk to Tony that way!"

Kenpachi told them a muffled phrase, that Bum assumed was "Take em to the mattresses" Bum guessed those guys were about to be raped anally or something, and Bum being a massive homophobe, used his homophobe powers to teleport outside away from awkward gay situations.

"That was gay and awkward"

EDIT: Then Bum walked down the driveway and saw all these police officers preparing for a sting blahblahblah bum realized it wasn't really the mafia GF as far as town thought. Well that sucks

I started writing it after night 1 but then the GF claims started happening, so I thought I'd save this claim for later. I guess I'll write the night 2 one later... I have plans!

On January 20 2011 08:23 bumatlarge wrote:
BUM BUM BAAAAAAA

-tman

Along the nside border of Philedelphia, a child spawned and grew up. He spent a majority of his life on the public entertainment facility. He led a somber life that one might consider chill. He was playing basketball when a few evil-looking fellows proceeded to perform some misdemeanors. Bum skirmished with said thugs and his mother fret, so he vacated the premises to Eiii's crib.

Bum was gonna check this out right quick. In and out. He saw the Vowel abuser's abode unobtrusively open for altercations. He saw a mail carrier walking up the steps, so Bum snuck up behind him and grabbed a letter and waited below the stairs, while the postman was none-the-wiser. Mr. Psotman, being a jovial fellow, rang the bell, and the door started to open.

"Good evening sir! I thought I'd hand you your mail...."

Bum peaked up and saw the mailman was frozen with that grin wiped off his face.

"Here, take your mail."

Before that nut decided he would go postal, Bum ran up the stairs.

"Oh, you dropped a letter..."

Bum can't really explain what happened, and neither can I. You know the phrase 'dead-pan'? Well Eiii was more of a murdered-pot. There was literally no emotion in that face. In fact, you couldn't stare directly at it, because your stare would glance off it on to something else, like some subconcious reaction that feared you would get sucked into the abyss of that man's face.

"Uh, your Eiii?"
"Yes, my name is Eiii."
"Well uh here is a letter."

The mailman was already halfway down the block. Eiii didn't answer. Maybe he fell asleep. Bum couldn't tell. He just stared at other stuff, everything but Eiii. Suddenly,

"Goodbye."

And Eiii shut the door. Bum still had the letter in his hand, so he just dropped it on the mat. Bum peaked into the window, and saw that Godforsaken thing sitting on a chair watching TV. The TV was off of course. He was just sitting there being useless. Existing. It seemed pretty clear to Bum that this guy did not have a role. He'd a make great SK though. Then Bum drove past BC's house and knocked over his mailbox.