The Letting Off Steam Thread - Page 118

I've lost everything I had back when I worked out almost daily. I used to be in shape. Now anytime I look down it's as if I never had the muscles I did. I try to get started working out again, but I just can't seem to make it a habit.

More than that, I'm trying to take on so many things. My future is opening up ─ I'm graduating High School ─ but I can't motivate myself to do the things I need to get done. I have trouble convincing myself to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm growing distant from my friends, and I'm coming to despise my father because I'm a reflection of HIM. He's irresponsible, selfish, whiny. He promises things and doesn't deliver. He lectures me on trying to clean up the house ─ a fucking pigsty, so much so that I've only had friends over two or three times since ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ─ and then is content to just live in his own fucking filth, with trash and unread mail piling up everywhere, and dog shit in the hallway JUST OUTSIDE OF HIS BEDROOM. I am so sick of living with my parents, and I'm sick of waking up in the morning and looking at myself and thinking "Am I going to be like them?"

I haven't had a girlfriend in years. I haven't even really been looked at but once or twice, and any time I try to get a date or flirt, the girl practically sniffs and looks away. I'm not wanted.

I'm lonely, but I don't want to be lonely, but I also don't want to be around people. I'm sick of feeling like a reflection of failure. I'm ashamed of myself for feeling these things, too.

Same shit, different day. Wake up, go to school, come back home, waste my life away. Sometimes a week will go by, and I'll be sitting at my desk and realize that I can't remember any of it.

I'm just so tired, and disgusted. I want my motivation back; I think that's my problem. I just want to not feel like a failure when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed.

I got to register for classes at orientation. I chose the earliest orientation possible for me, which was the second orientation overall. Within that orientation, I was the second group that got to register for classes.

Multivar had two teachers. The first is fantastic, taught at MIT, amazing, his lectures are online and he's very very informative, really fair grader, fantastic teacher. Everybody wants to get him.

The second has his lecture at 8 am, apparently has a thick, thick Russian accent and is generally verbally incomprehensible (to add to that, I am ridiculously shitty at telling what people are saying, with an accent I'm dicked). Oh but what about his writing? Fucking illegible. The way he explains things is also extremely abstract, and he has a very condescending attitude toward students, as if it's their fault they can't understand his lectures. Oh and midterms are multiple choice, with a GUESSING PENALTY and NO partial credit. How much is the guessing penalty? Try AN ENTIRE FUCKING PROBLEM. If you complete an exam and get half of the problems right, that's a 0. Nobody can even figure out his grading policy anyway. TAs are as confused as the students, no idea what the teacher wants sometimes. All comes down to whether you get a good TA/GSI. Ninjacourses pegs them at 86 vs 32 or something, though obviously the score itself doesn't matter from people who just rate extremely low/high. It's the reviews where you see what's going on, and it's a load of bullshit.

All the fucking engineering kids could talk about at orientation was blahblahblah I want the first teacher, really hope I get the second one, well guess what? It's too fucking late, we're all stuck with the other one. Holy shit. I skipped AB and took BC as a junior, and the teacher is used to us going through AB first at my school, so it was much too fast for me. I barely could hang on and my knowledge of calc is already shaky. What a fucking perfect way to start off my first damn semester. I don't want to go back and do single variable, because the distributions there are also insane. It's a lose-lose scenario. In any event calc will not be nearly as relevant as will lin alg/differential eqs/matrices to me, but I have to take it as a requirement anyway, so I can't get out of it. The lin alg/diff eqs/matrices class also has a similar situation with no space.

Oh and guess what? My housing assignment is total bullshit. I got none of my preferences and instead got the place that's a good 30-45 minute walk from almost all classes. It's isolated as hell, much much much farther than all other housing, people there are mostly athletes (they tend to be assigned there, gym nearby or something), and it's not that social with mostly isolated groups and stuff. I really wanted to meet some people and make friends but apparently it's going to be a pretty shitty-ass time. At least in the dorm with supposedly lots of engineers, there will be people in my major, but at CKC it's going to be really lonely. Oh and add to that the fact that I have three 8 AMs a week. I know I will have to take them at some point, but having to get there from Clark Kerr with the fucking multivar class is going to be really hard.

With probably few people from my field/taking the same classes around CKC, I guess my first semester will just be me locked up studying my stupid ass off, trying to comprehend multivar, dealing with a very rigorous physics professor, and trying to learn comp sci -- major but something in which I have little to no experience whatsoever -- I'm just going to be fucking dicked. Then as a sophomore I probably won't even have any friends with whom to find an apartment.

God damn it. It'll be like I'm not even part of the campus, won't have many, if any, friends and shit. I've basically just been set up for a miserable college experience holy shit. Used to be confident in myself, but no longer. I actually have no doubt that I'm going to fail and just get wrecked. I just can't see myself succeeding unless I a) suddenly become extremely efficient at studying and really devote myself to it, or b) suddenly realize I a god damn genius. Both are a load of shit. Maybe I'll end up being one of those people who are isolated, miserable, retarded, friendless, struggling students that nobody hears about until they kill themselves out of despair. I've stagnated for years with no signs of improvement, and I guess it caught up with me because I'll have to deal with this all at once. I know my limits reasonably well, and I am absolutely sure that this will be far, far beyond my pitiful little existence.

FUCK ME