The Global Esports Association (GESA) is launching a new Brood War Tournament this summer. It is an offline LAN that will be held in Europe.
You may have heard of GESA organised tournaments for other games, in particular Counterstrike and Splatoon. GESA does have previous experience with the RTS genre having hosted a series of Supreme Commander: Forged Alliance events a few years ago.
Date: 13th June
Venue: Birmingham NEC (National Exhibition Centre, its very near Birmingham airport and international train station)
During the planning stages the idea was originally to allow players from anywhere to sign up to the tournament, essentially an open borders policy. However the GESA committee voted in favour of consolidation for the brood war scene, which lead to the feasibility of the original plan being questioned and so an exit strategy had to be found. The compromise that was chosen was for the tournament to be held in England, but the competition is still open to anyone from any european country as long as you have a british passport (or dual citizenship qualifies too). The idea here is that hosting the tour in England will benefit the Brood War scene because it will be geographically further away from other esport events (for example IEM Katowice https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intel_Extreme_Masters_Season_XIII_–_World_Championship).
I emailed GESA to ask them about problems with paperwork that might arise for some of the players, Dick Buccal-Suidae (GESA chairman) said:
"The GESA committee is committed to growing the Brood War scene and our conclusion was that the best way to achieve this would be to leave behind foreign territory that was considered common ground in order to re-establish greatness and control for the brood war scene. We want it to thrive."
In a second email asking about problems with paperwork that might arise for some players, the chairman replied:
"We want to re-establish greatness and control for the brood war scene. We want it to thrive. Hosting the tournament in England (the Birmingham NEC, a fantastic venue by the way) allows us to save money rather than spending it on european expenses. This money can then be used to invest in gaming equipment for the players such as gaming chairs and bread that will comfort and nourish brood war players as they showcase their skills."
Dick Bucall-Suidae later added:
"Participants will need to show a British passport in order to compete in the group stages. The good news is that all Europeans with or without a passport will be able to compete in the later stages of the tournament though. Regrettably this will probably mean some players who would otherwise be interested in participating wont be able to secure the legal documents required for verification. My critics say that this calls into question the integrity of the Global Esports Association's premiere brood war event as it favours britons only, but there are many benefits to our beliefs.
"By using the NEC venue (a fantastic British venue by the way) we will be saving £3,500 on expenses that would otherwise be wasted. For example if the tournament was held in europe we would have to spend an exorbitant amount of money on the buffet lunch as we would be forced to buy things like croissants and soft cheese. Instead our GESA event guarantees that bendy bananas and chlorinated chicken will be on offer at the lunch buffet to all players who attend, leading to a much healthier brood war scene Im sure you will agree."
Last week there were significant developments regarding the NHS. Due to staff shortages the NHS will soon be closing its doors.
A UKIP spokesperson made the following statement:
"Now that the NHS has shut down, we are pleased to announce that we find ourselves with a spare 350 million pounds to give to a good cause. We have decided to invest this money into the growing industry of esports, specifically we are contributing the entirety of our fund to the prizepool of GESA's inaugural Brood War event. Players from across the land will be competing to win a cheque for 350 million pounds!"
Famous economist, futurist and tarot card reader Nigel Farage commented:
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"Unfortunately 350 million GBP is now worth roughly 35 euros but this should be enough to buy you a train ticket to Paris, so you will be able to get part of the way home again if you travelled from europe. Over the next 12 months I foresee a rise in local politics across the United Kingdom. Fostered correctly, local action groups will be able to exert more control over their own districts. Finally able to regulate our own oil prices, we will see local trading syndicates rise in power. With local street level groups able to take back control of fuel prices, they are enabled to have autonomy and be the makers of their own destiny. The groups with the largest and fastest vehicles will have advantages over other smaller weaker groups.
Free from the restrictions of europe, an increase in neon coloured mohican hairstyles will become popular. We will be liberated from the burden of clothing standards and variety, and will witness new fashion trends such as spiky leather clothing and gasmasks. There will be huge opportunities for individuals to show their personality by branding themselves for example with chrome spray paint on the mouth and teeth.
As these local action groups assert dominance on regional politics, we shall see that the only way to survive is to join these gangs and build V8 monster trucks. The countryside will gradually become a desert wasteland, and the gang your children are born into will be slaves of this petrolpunk cult. The leader calls himself 'NiFa'.
NiFa forces you and 500 other slaves to build a giant scrap metal wall across Somerset that cuts off the south west region of england from the mainland (an event that becomes known as Swexit).
The leader of your petrolpunk cult crowns himself king of this new dominion, supreme king NiFa. He will need a new name for his land. It is an alliance of formerly Cornwall and Devon, so amalgamating the two names we get 'Con'.
The dominion of Con grows powerful, indeed it is the greatest Con that europe has ever seen.
Over time what was previously known as the united kingdom becomes a distant memory. Society on the other side of the great wall degrades sharply, with living conditions becoming even worse than in NiFa's territory. It is certainly no longer a "United Kingdom" and therefore the area on the other side of the wall gets its name shortened to just "kingdom".
As the other gangs on the mainland of 'kingdom' battle and descend further into barbarism, we realise that there is no king ruling the area of mainland england at all, and the name gets shortened for a second time to just 'dom'.
Meanwhile in the southwest, supreme king NiFa bides his time. He orders his minions to capture wild badgers and establishes badger farms to feed his empire. He also sets up bullet factories where the slave children hand carve small rocks into spherical musket balls to supply the guns of his horde army. Eventually NiFa opens the great gates of Con, and unleashes his horde upon the hopeless barbaric mainland of Dom.
A year later, the mainland has been subdued. Supreme King NiFA has captured all of formerly mainland england. He rebuilds Hadrians wall (and its paid for by the Scots). The glorious army of motorbikes and monster trucks returns to the sacred scrap yards for repairs. The dust settles. NiFa has finally achieved his dreams. He is the undisputed ruler of what was previously known as england. After initially securing Con as his base of operations in the south west, he now controls all of Dom as well.
NiFa is the king of the Con-Dom Dominion."
Wow thanks Nigel, the tarot cards were very expressive today.
"Yes and in the above very plausible scenario which I just described, if you are able to survive long enough, your train ticket to Paris will become priceless."
Final question Nigel, what do you say to the brood war players of europe who dont have a british passport but would like to play in the GESA tournament.
"Well if you dont have a british passport already, now is a good time to find them going cheaply online on sites like ebay and freecycle."
We asked a GESA spokesperson for a final statement:
"Brood War must leave europe. GESA (in association with gamerbread) have organised a tournament to facilitate this. If there is one thing that is certain it is this:
Brooxit means Brooxit.
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By the way I just want to say please dont read into this to try and work out my own personal political stand point. Towards the start of the post I try to be more even handed with careful word choices etc. As the post goes on and it descends further into chaos, it was simpler to select a side purely to make it easier for me to try and make jokes. The whole post is intended only for humorous effect, and choosing to mock the leave side more is simply because of the abundance of low hanging fruit. All I wanted was bendy bananas.
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Ive just had quite a bad crash on my bike, so Im now typing with 1 hand. I was going to make some pictures and generally tidy up/improve this post but now Ive got less time (and Im in quite a lot of pain heh). I probably would have ended up deleting half of this nonsense if I had more time to proof read it etc, but instead Im afraid you will just have to put up with this incoherent bunch of semi ideas. There are several repetitions etc in there that are on purpose though just incase you are wondering.