EPTFor the past few days one of my two cats have been missing. It'd happened before so i was sure she would come back. But it turned out she wouldn't =/ I haven't felt this sad in a very long time...
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I've had cats and a dog that passed away before and it sucks big time. This time it feels a little bit different.
In the past I've had cats and dogs that were very social, calm and were not afraid of getting attention.
Whenever they passed away i always felt that they lived a happy life. This cat though was very shy and afraid of everything and was constantly stressed. I tried everything to keep it calm but every time something/someone was around her she would freak out. This made it almost impossible to have her inside the house so she ended up spending 80% of her time outdoors.
The other cat i have is very social and loves being in the center of everything. Whenever she ate and he didn't get anything he would jump at her so she couldn't eat in peace, she constantly looked over her shoulder to see she was safe. This resulted in that i had to sit and keep her company every time she ate so i could make sure that he wouldn't jump at her.
I always wanted her to feel safe so she could relax and be happy. Whenever she slept i tried to not disturb her, whenever she was laying in my sofa i slowly approached her so she wouldn't freak out and in the past few months i felt that she improved a lot. She could come and jump up on my lap when i was sitting in front of the computer like a normal cat would. Me myself suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder and could see a lot of myself in her and by fixing her i felt that i could be fix myself. I thought that she finally after 6 years of stress would calm down and enjoy the relaxing life of a cat and i felt motivated to improve myself.
Then one day she didn't sit by the window when i woke up. I though that she would turn up after some hours but no. I went out and looked for her, screaming her name and putting out a bowl with her favorite food in hope that she would turn up. Then today i decided to ask around in the neighborhood. I knocked on doors and asked if anyone seen her and there were some saying that they've had a cat in their garden some time ago so i thought to myself ”sweet now i just have to find her”. Then i got to a house and a old lady opens the door. When i saw her face it was like she knew why i were and there and she gave me this sad face even before I've said anything. Then she said that she heard that someone she knew had hit a cat when they were driving the other day, they went out looking for it but couldn't find it and that it may had ran inside the forest nearby. My mind went blank i couldn't think.
I went back home and got a plastic bag and some rubber gloves, the only thing i had in my mind was that i had to find her so i could be sure she wasn't in any pain. I went to the location and couldn't find her by the road so i decided to go into the forest. I ended up searching for 4 hours and didn't find anything. I decided to return back home to eat, drink and then go back and continue the search.
When i got home i tried to eat something but it wasn't much. I filled up a water-bottle and ran back to search for her. Just when i entered the forest there were a man that shouted at me. I turned round and asked what he wanted. He said that he'd found a dead cat and described where he found it. I went to the location and there she were. It looked like nothing happened to her. Her position was like she was sleeping and at first i though that there may be a chance. I poked at her but nothing happened...
When i got home i dug a hole and placed her in it, filled it up and put some candles on top of it. I don't know why i did that because I'm not religious in any way, i just felt that it was the right thing to do.
Now i just feel empty. She just started to improve and was getting better and better. I was so happy to see her improve that i though that there might be a chance for me to get rid of my anxiety as well. Now she's gone. Her life was full of fear and pain and i cant say she lived a happy life and i feel guilty for it. I don't know what i should have done but i still feel that i could have done something...
