EPTEvery nightly routine the same rituals are followed. I lock my laptop (windows key + L), proceed to wash my face and put some delicious acne cream on it, turned on Adult Swim for a brief fifteen minutes, then turn it off and fall asleep with my air conditioner set at "68" and a fan running on "low" in the opposite corner of my room.
But last night was different. For a reason unknown to me, the ritual was broken. Well, one simple element. Instead of falling asleep with my head to the wall where the headboard was on the bed, I switched the pillows to the foot of the bed and fell asleep facing a direction I've never faced before. Before falling asleep the main thought that had occurred to me was how different my room looked in that certain perspective.
When I awoke my whole life was changed. Before today my social life was non-existential. Not because I did not want friends or a girlfriend. If that were true I would have never made that prom blog where help was requested on my behalf to pin a date. Despite so many efforts of people trying to help me I ultimately ignored all help and never went. Why was this? The amount of anxiety and shot self confidence and shyness was to a point where no words were uttered out of my mouth to anyone in school, even if asked a question. There was one girl who did like me (She was fucking ugly, but a girl nonetheless) near the 3rd quarter of my senior year who would sit next to me and try to start conversations. Unfortunately, as much as I wanted to respond or become a good conversationalist, usually nothing came out of my mouth. Later on she would call me the big D-bag while we met walking down halls. She didn't understand that my timidness and unresponsive behavior was not because of the fact that she looked like an elephant, but because I just couldn't.
This was my whole high school life. And although it was a bit painful, I got over it.
My middle school life was a bit different though. I was a social butterfly and dated many girls. People knew me as the most obnoxious, outgoing guy there was. It did not phase me if I dropped my books all over the ground or I came to school with my shirt on the wrong side. And the girls... I knew some crazy girls.
![[image loading]](http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/2563/37423334.jpg)
The main difference between high school and middle school was the ambition to get a girlfriend. Girls interested me so much, despite I had no sexual drive to actually fuck them. I did not know what I saw in them... but they attracted me. In middle school I met some amazing girls, some crazy girls, and some more crazy girls. Literally crazy. Every single time there is a conversation with Kennegit and Fantacist my mind goes back to my first few relationships where so much was fucked up. Signals that were not acted upon, care that was not given, and love that was not made. I will never forget my one girlfriend from 8th grade (a year relationship) told me that she just had her period so if we had sex she wouldn't get pregnant. I laughed back then and didn't know what she was trying to tell me. Now, at this very day, I see that she was being repulsive and romantic at the same time. She wanted some. And I didn't give it to her.
Many mistakes were made but at the very least there was the ambition to get girls, and I had the faith in myself to talk to people and be crazy like my personality really was.
Why was this? My undamaged ego, my confidence in my appearance, and my ability to just talk to people was at its all time high. But now that I reflect back to that time I wasn't really handsome back then. I took 15 minutes in the shower a day and that was it. Although now I have some mild acne at the moment, my appearance takes an hour every day to get myself prepped up and enter the store, or soon, college. Why am I not MORE confident today than back then? It was probably my ignorance back then. It didn't bother me if people said that I was a stank bag of shit or a moron. Today it does. This is an internal problem. My mentality is wrong.
But when I awoke today, I'm no longer shy and timid. I feel like my old self, and I have no idea why all of a sudden. My only conclusion is that maybe the way you sleep is a gateway to self introspection. Something happened when I slept upside-down on my bed.
Proof? Whole day I was hyper. I talked to my parents. Conversations were held. Every thought that crossed my mind also came out of my mouth. But most importantly, when I got in the car (just got my permit), instead of the usual screaming "DAD IM GONNA FUCKING HIT THAT CAR", I was smooth, wild, and didn't give a fuck if I was halfway on the other side of the road. When I got home, I downloaded a shitload of Dexter season 3 episodes despite my ISP limited our DL to 100gb monthly and a big portion of that was already used this month. Then I got on MSN and cybered some chicks and pretended I was masturbating to make them think I'm edgy and cool.
I'm not proof reading this because clearly I don't give a fuck. I slept upside-down last night. And I will again tonight. And again, and again, and again. Because I'm no longer shy. Rate this blog a 1 bitches.
