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I sleep an awfully lot. I always have. In my teens it was because I enjoyed sleep more than being awake. It was a respite from the way i felt, from confusion and anxiety and stress that lurked just below the surface of my conscious mind. I wouldn't want to wake up in the mornings. But now it just seems to happen naturally.
I had a strange dream this morning. It started with me talking to a friend of mine from college. We were going to go to a bar, I wanted to discuss life with him. Suddenly we were on a school bus. The bus was basically filled with significant friends and peers from the various stages of my life. Maybe 15-20 different people I recognized - from my life-long best friend to a kid who picked on me during middle school.
The bus was on top of a mountain, being driven down it, but the road was way too steep and it seemed like we were all going to die. I directed everyone to put their hands out the windows and grab onto the side of the mountain to slow our descent, which saved us. Then I woke up.
I don't know what to make of this dream, but I woke up in an interesting mood. It made me think about my life, about the choices I have made and what my life is currently like.
My life is very hard. I don't know if this is just chance, or if it is of my own making. I have made many mistakes, learned many lessons the hard way. I never was any good at taking advice from others, I have to experience it for myself. I never felt like I had a natural purpose in life, and my goals had to be made up just so I would have a point to doing anything. I never held onto attachments to people, and I have treated many people in my past with less respect and courtesy than I would like to admit. I have spent most of my life very confused, and if I could go back things would be much different.
But I can't, and so I look ahead. I know this is just rambling right now but there isn't really any other way I'd like to write this stuff. It's just gotta come out I guess. I am 24, and I don't know wtf I am doing. I am focused right now on continuing to play poker and getting out of debt. I think I am doing a good job of it now.
But once I am out of debt, what then? What is the purpose of this life for me. Do I really want to be a buddhist monk, and devote my life to emptiness, giving up everything based in the material and sensation in this world? Leaving behind my connections to all the people I have known who have influenced me?
I can't remember my younger years as a child. But I know at some point I became separated from my parents. When I was maybe 10 years old I broke a small mirror that belonged to my mother, and I started to cry. She hugged me and said that it was ok. I remember wishing she hugged me like that more often. Parents make mistakes too, they are human just like their children.
I guess I will stop rambling now. I wonder if I have said anything of value to any of you. I guess it doesn't matter much. Is life so difficult for everyone? Maybe I care too much. I remember when I was young, deciding I would aspire to greatness. The greatest thing I thought I could accomplish is to figure out my role in this world, what I am, and how to be as happy as possible. I have always wished for that. But life is distracting.
I wish the best for everyone. I think my general lack of emotion catches up to me during moments like this. I am not particularily sad - and even if I was i would not want pity. This blog is not meant to be "emo". It is just the truth, as honest as I can be.
Sometimes I think that maybe I... think too much. But I can't help it. One day I will be ready to stop, but not yet I guess.
 
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
I am reading james joyce a bunch right now. This blog was oddly similar to that 
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You are far from alone. From ancient Greece to the "emo" generations of today people have wondered and written about "the meaning of life"... what does (or should) motivate us. There is an entire current in literature called "existentialism" starting in the 1800s. Some people turned arrogantly-nihilist (see Emil Cioran for example), others felt constantly pressured and overrun by dark feelings and a sense they can't escape them (Sylvia Plath comes to mind).
Other people tend to revel in much of what you describe. Yes, life is often absurd, and no, people don't always make sense. All you can do is kick back and try to take it all in. I love Marquez for for his narations which are so "realistic" they become totally surreal!
Ok, I guess I am the one rambling now. Just saying: you're not alone, pick up 100 years of solitude or Love in the time of Cholerra and enjoy.
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On May 23 2009 03:02 travis wrote:
The greatest thing I thought I could accomplish is to figure out my role in this world, what I am, and how to be as happy as possible. I have always wished for that. But life is distracting.
I'm still figuring out that part and I tend to think alot about it like you, sometimes it makes me so depressed, I want to stop thinking about it.
Maybe figuring out that stuff is the purpose of life...But like you said, life is distracting. We wanna know how to be happy and to find the meaning of life but at the same time we have tons of obligations everywhere.
It's difficult to find the meaning of life cause when you stop to think about it: you're studying the first 20 years of your life to get a job later to get money to buy food/house/clothes and other material things that doesn't really make you happy in the long term. So you're basically wasting 90% of your life just...surviving?
Sometimes I think about the events I will remember when I'll be about to die and I realize none of them is related to school/job, yet this is about everything humans care about. Moments when life is worth living, with friends, girlfriends and maybe having kids are so rare that it's pretty depressing. I just try to really enjoy those moments knowing they will not last forever.
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Can't offer much advice that people have not offered before on these forums whenever these blogs of "life" come up, but best of luck and good read. 
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I enjoyed the way your sentences flowed. Nice read. 5/5
It seems like when you're a kid, you idealize being an adult. And you think, when you get that old, you'll be as perfect as them. But the closer you get to it, that perfect vision of adulthood diminishes. Your parents, and teachers still seem to be afflicted with the same vices that your peers had during your childhood years. Jealousy, closed-mindedness, arrogance, and hatred. Although not as rash, is still prominent within adults. It's kind of upsetting, we work so hard with this idea that we'll become some zen-like person as an adult, and it never happens... depending on who you are.
I figure with this kind of knowledge there are a few ways you can go.
You can ignore it all and live blissfully (or with utter despair)
You can change yourself according to what you believe is an ideal person. And watch and let the world continue it's current trend.
You can change yourself and then change others.
Haha I'm just rambling, but your blog got me thinking about this.
See ya,
-StarN
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Nice writeup. I think most of us around this age can relate to the "what then?" question. Ok, best case scenario, I finish college, get a decent job, and I have enough money to buy things... ok? Then what? Any greater purpose out there? There's no one path to happiness, I think we all just have to try to envision our own version of what we want out of life and try to work a little towards that every day we can.
Edit: But I'm doped up on pain medication, so don't listen to me! 
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I think we should just do whatever we want to do in life. Of course, harming others is bad and should be avoided, but everything else is okay.
Life really has no 'purpose' in my opinion, but living life allows us to experience some awesome moments. And that makes it worth it to me.
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On May 23 2009 03:49 LiLu wrote:
I think we should just do whatever we want to do in life. Of course, harming others is bad and should be avoided, but everything else is okay.
Life really has no 'purpose' in my opinion, but living life allows us to experience some awesome moments. And that makes it worth it to me.
Well the problem is that you may not have anything that you want to do, and nothing is objectively awesome you may not have ability to experience it so.
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Hey, nice post.
I've had similar feelings before and, to be honest, I still feel this way from time to time. Personally, I've found that this lack of emotion is an illusion. Everyone has feelings (lolz even macho men), some of us just have a harder time recognizing these feelings due to a variety of reasons - for me, it was an upbringing that didn't place any emphasis on discussing emotions. Eventually, you'll either just bottle up and explode or live with the numbness for the rest of your life.
I recommend, from personal experience, that you talk to people about this. Instead of posting in an online forum, which can be helpful at times, you should just talk it over with a close friend. For me, this is very refreshing, relieves my existential burden, and lets me see who my friends are. It makes me more appreciative of them and strengthens our friendship too. This is very basic advice yet it took me many years to understand and practice it.
GL!
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Theres no 'meaning' in life, no reason youre here in this world, and no role for you to fill.
Just do what you do and dont feel small about it.
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The way you describe yourself when you were younger reminds me a lot of myself now.
Thanks for the read
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I enjoyed reading your post and I enjoy sleep too, but mostly in the morning because the night's peacefulness calms me.
In your post are quite a few reseblences of my own life. Growing up I thought about much more interesting my life will be as an adult. Now I have only memories of a carefree childhood that I will never see again. Freud described something similar t
That saying about the grass being greener on the other side is all too true.
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I like blogs like this.
This was a pretty good read.
I relate with it.
Life is so pointless.
Life is way too serious...
...to be serious.
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thanks for sharing Travis
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travis what happened to happiness part 3
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6th grade -- I punched a 5th graders tooth out and beat up two other because they stole my shoe.
7th grade -- started a "cards and games" club because I was pissed at my friends cheating in mtg and got a teacher to enfore pre-upkeep untapping or none at all. I just learned last year its still going and gets 30+ people every week
I played soccer because I showed up at a select team's tryout in the park and wanted to play that day. played for 4 years in high school.
I started wrestling because I happened to walk into the wrestling room.
I picked up tennis because I missed the baseball meeting.
I did japanese because I didn't like any of the other languages. 2 years later I went to Japan, and now I'm going to find a job there.
Right now, I'm in college and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna choose a major by flipping a coin.
I did a lot of things for no reason, and it was those things that defined my life. Follow what you enjoy the act of doing, even if it makes no sense. Life doesn't. I get the same feeling as you and when I do I go on a walk around wherever I am and find somebody whose sitting on a park bench or something and talk to them. It helps when I have to put my life in perspective in a coherent enough way to explain it to somebody else.
So if you're completely lost, do something radical and break the ruts you're in. And remember, rl is ggnore
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I think one piece of advice I try to keep in my mind is that it's foolish to want to be happy all the time. I used to think it was important to be happy. But human experience is so varied and so many things happen that you will never always be happy; emotion is fickle. I think it's more important to remain interested in life, and to be passionate about the things you love. To not be bored with life. It probably isn't the same for everyone but that's how i see it.
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