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Writing this up in notepad. Chances are I won't even post it, or I will regret it.. but it's good to get this off my chest, even if it's to nobody in particular.
Completely unedited.. just a stream of thoughts and ramblings from a Confused Student. Turning 21 y/o for reference.
It was tax season -- didn't enjoy it. It's exam season -- not enjoying it. There's always irrational fear of the worst case scenario, which never comes to pass (knock on wood). I'm thirsty and too buried in thought to go get a drink. My roomate just gave me a penny found on the floor for good luck for some reason.
So why am I here? I mean, at this point, I've already had over a year of real life experience in industry jobs: insurance giants, banking giants, tech giants.. going into the securities sector for this summer (bit ironic given the economy actually). But in the end, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't basically the same thing. Oh sure the setting is different. More client interaction at one place, increased focus on statistics in another. But it's like playing starcraft on different maps -- the underlying game is the same. And now that I've done it for over a year it's not really appealing to me.
Then what's left? Me and two friends are working on a tech startup, and despite the countless hours we've sunk into it, it's been more of a learning opportunity than a business one. Yet even if it takes off, so what? It only gets harder from there: higher expectations, lower margin for error, harder potential crashes. I don't shirk difficulty, but I can't imagine an executive lifestyle all too different from a senior management one, which I've witnessed first hand for many months now. What's the incentive, money? Who needs so much money anyway? Sure it would be nice to have a big house but an apartment will do
just fine and is more convenient. Same for cars, suits, gadgets. Food? Inventor of noodles/ramen lived to 96... eating a bowl of ramen every day. Actually that's not relevant but I thought I'd toss it in.
Academia? Pursuits of knowledge? To me, school is fun only in bursts; I already have trouble staying on track when the time is measured in months, nevermind years.
Travel? I talked to Jim a while back who's a successful poker player (dropped out of law school, he has/had a popular blog somewhere) who basically summed it up for me as "don't put it on a pedestal, there's nothing exotic about it". So, I'm dipping into that now. New York (can you believe I've never been?) is on the list this summer, bunch of other cities later.. most of California is definitely on the list, sexiest state in my opinion. Other continents? Europe? Depends on feedback from this first "dip". But ok
Always wondered .. a common question asked is "what would you like to do with your life if money wasn't an issue" Okay, well I'm almost 21.. are people actually supposed to know the answer to that question? I find that hard to believe. I just IM'd a friend this question, here's what he had to say:
> 2:40:52 AM: well in my half-sleepy state
> 2:40:57 AM: and about to take a shower
> 2:40:59 AM: i'll tell you
> 2:41:07 AM: a semi sleepy answer
2:41:12 AM: go for it
> 2:46:26 AM: I grew up thinking that I can get whatever I want and I don't need anybody's help. In short, I was selfish and blind. But after I move to a different place and encounter various difficulties, I see how weak I actually am. I eventually got my college diploma, a full-time job, and my PR status independently. But I realize that without my friends and family who helped me thru difficult time, it will be even more difficult to achieve what I have achieved so far. I was thankful of all that they have done, and I still am.
But some of the people that have helped me are also facing challenges too. So far, I pretend that these challenges don't exist, because I don't act on them. I've got a lot of excuse in my hands: assignments, exams, etc. If I have some spare time, I want to use that to help them. It's because of them that I can be so here right now. I'm grateful enough to feel I should help them, because they're important to me.
-
I thought it was pretty illuminating.
Anyway, I used to be a bad friend in general.. Kind of asshole-ish. Definitely selfish. Think I'm growing out of it now though. After living for many months with very interesting people, I made some significant EQ (how I hate that term) gains. I think I became a better person for it.
What to do, what to do. School.. graduate .. followed by a big question mark.
Ramble ramble ramble.
Gonna go get a drink.
-Confused Student
aw fuckit i'll post it anyway. dunno what to expect in terms of replies if anything.
 
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"Chances are I won't even post it"
"aw fuckit i'll post it anyway. dunno what to expect in terms of replies if anything."
That made me laugh. 
Nice to share things with the community.
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I think it's really good to occasionally do something like this, where you just dump out all of your thoughts and lay it out in front of you. Too many times, people get caught up in their daily routines, following a robotic schedule, without any regard for why.
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this is why ... we dota
:3
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If you figure that out share your answer I'm On the same boat here, I think a lot of us are. Good read.
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drop out of school
buy pool table
become master of pool
???
money
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Haha you're not the only one man, can relate to alot of stuff you said ^_^.
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Every term I almost dropped out of med school, but my girlfriend kept me from doing that. I never told anyone (including her) how depressed I was with the workload and kept it bottled inside. I just didn't let anyone see that side of me.
I signed up the VERY last day one term before it was past the deadline and I remember the overwhelming feeling of apathy. I woke up and didn't know what day it was. I looked at my calender and saw that I must register and I sat there debating in my head whether or not to do it. I was sitting there in my underwear at my pc thinking of going to the gym, playing sc, or going back to bed...
This was my first choice of med school that I worked so hard to get into that I was debating wether or not to attend. Not only that but it was paid for already.
I think if I were left to my own devices and had no support from my girlfriend then I would probably have dropped out and I don't know what then.
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awww, Cheer up. The best is yet to come : ) You're only freakin 21.
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Gee Gee Gee Gee Geeeeeeeee.
That's the cute to feeling down. Just convince yourself you'll bag one of them, and bam, life looks a lot sunnier.
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More dota nub. Less school.
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Just so that I'm not forced to edit, notice how I said cute instead of cure. That is some freudian slip for your enjoyment.
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I know what you mean. I have six credits of Grad school left, and registration for classes for the next term is due by the end of April. I am so worn out from school, it's been a daily struggle trying to decide if I'm going to finish during the summer, or after. Both have their advantages/disadvantages, of course. Maybe I shouldn't complain so much, since after all, it's only six credits left.
But... continued education in an increasingly specialized field, and not even knowing what exactly you want to do yet at the age of 22... Makes you wonder.
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Glad I'm not the only one who can't decide what to do with my life.
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This last monday i went to the train station. Im in a long distance relationship and i was dropping my girlfriend off so she could go home. I was very stressed because i had taken a bit of a holiday during easter and since i work at a weekly newspaper i still have a deadline to keep, even if i choose to take an extra day off. And i was behind in work.
We arrived at the trainstation 20 minutes early so we sat down in the cafeteria and i bough a way overpriced cup of coffee. Just as i sat down, another guy sat down to the table next to me. He had bought a piece of chocolate, a coke and a newspaper. The guy was pretty butch, but looked like a decent guy, nothing special really. For those who know, he kinda reminded a bit of Roy from Office US. So, its not quite in my nature to stare at the guy at the next table, but there was something about this guy that just caught my eye.
The chocolate bar was of the Toblerone brand. Its like a triangle shaped chockolate bar, some thing like " /\________\ " if that makes sense. The actual chocolate is enfoiled in metal paper inside the box. When he opened his toblerone box he slowly disected the metal paper to remove the metal from the chocolate. He must have taken about 3-4 minutes just doing this procedure, or perhaps even ritual, and this gave me a little revelation.
Because i realized that, here we have a normal person with probably the same everyday problems as i do, who gets stressed up over the same issues as i get stressed up over and so on. But in this particular minute, while he was opening his chocolate bar, that was the entire thing in the entire damn world that meant something to him. A meteor could have crashed through the ceiling, but he probably wouldnt even notice. In this second while he was focusing on the chocolate, the coke and his newspaper, nothing else in the world mattered for a second, and by realizing this, even my own problems disapeared for a moment.
So the sensmorale of the story, whenever you got something that is troubling you, always focus on the good things i life. The little things that makes your day better. It will help bring it all togheter and make the troubles easier to fight through. It can be the smallest thing like opening a chocolate bar you just bought with your own hard worked money, or perhaps just brownsing TeamLiquid reading a generally meaningless post from someone youve never met, but whose writing just perhaps captivated you for a second. Mabye this little story can help you feel better for a second just as that guy opening his chocolate bar mysteriously made me feel better.
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If it helps
Im pretty depressed lately aswell
yes emo!
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What starparty said. But i'm sure the op already knows.
I've been going through some pretty deep thinking the passed week as well. It's weird. Were already close to being halfway through 2009. I'm 23 years old. Most of my friends either started a family or continued on with school or just being a playa out in this sick grimy world. I kinda enjoy deep thinking time to actually arrange everything in my life in order as if it was a messy filing cabinet. Usually I just let shit glide on the regular. But recently life has been pounding me in the liver. I got madly depressed yesterday but I try and not let that shit get to me. Weed helps.
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I often find myself in a similar boat.
I am in the middle of my first semester in my new major, second at my new school, and I am probably going to pull C's in my two major courses. Not the end of the world, but definitely not going to make me a good prospect for an internship next summer. Idk, I'm torn between pursuing graduate work in my field, just getting the degree and living a normalish life like everybody else, and switching my major yet again to who knows what.
I've been reading tons and tons, and become very introspective over the last 4 months. I'd say I had 'become' introverted also, but I've always been an introvert.
I am planning on doing nothing but work and read this summer, so hopefully something will inspire me and put me on a path in some direction.
@Starparty: Very nicely written. Every now and then I am going to picture that guy. I wonder if he could ever know the importance of his routine to a complete stranger.
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I just remembered about something I learned in high school: Maslow's hierarchy of needs
Physiological -> Safety -> Love/Belonging -> Esteem -> Self Actualization
Sounds to me you're already set for your career. If you don't have a girlfriend, maybe you can look into that? Any special interests that you might want to pursue?
When you don't have something, you really want it. When you have it then its not such a big deal anymore. When you lose it, that's when you know how important it really is to you. I think its important to cherish what you have now, as important as it is to ask for more.
I'm only 19. I must say I haven't really gone through much. My academics are quite unstable, but I guess I'll graduate. I haven't even thought seriously about what I'm going to do for a living after I graduate (Actuarial Science major -_-), and maybe thats why I don't feel so sorry for myself yet because I've been avoiding the problem. All I know is, when I'm old and about to die and I reflect on my life, I want to be able to say "Wow, I was pretty fucking legendary back then", not, "Wow I didn't do anything worth remembering - I just went to school, graduated, went to work every day, came home, went to work the next day etc". When I go to a bar, I want to be able to tell stories to my friends about how great I was and the moments I've experienced.
Personally I can't really think that far. I'm just trying to do my best everyday and take life a day at a time. As Barney from HIMYM would say, "Think less, do more!" and I think he's kinda right.
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dude u r 21... got a wholeeee life ahead of u
and also if i money was no problem
i would take care of all my friend's financial problems and then work on getting me my pilot license an a F-22 to go along w/ it ^^
oh am i'll def finish school... mmm phd programsss (tasty)
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Thanks for the comments everyone, they were definitely very interesting to read. I appreciate all the stories, especially Starparty's :-). Addressing everyone individually would be a little redundant, but I figure I can answer a few of the recurring ideas here:
First, as far as I'm aware, I'm not depressed. Just confused. Maybe it doesn't come across as I'd like in my post, I was never good with that writing stuff.
R3condite, since you wrote that, it seems you're working on your PhD. Are you considering obtaining a pilot license or whatever in your spare time/as a hobby? Or is it one of those dreams that's like "yeah i wish"? If it's the latter.. I would encourage you to go for it anyway. Nothing too special about a pilot license if you think about it. It's how I viewed traveling at first, one of those "yeah I wish" type of deals, and yet..
At least, it's comforting to know that some other people are at least confused as well!
p.s. L, I think your real slip was "sunnier". 
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Get a girlfriend, srsly. Or a boyfriend.. whatever floats your boat.
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Shit sucks right now. I lost my old job and can't get a new one. There is literally NOTHING around here that is entry-level. It's either store manager or a high-class store that requires a lot of experience. I can't even find a fucking dishwasher job. I would gladly take a dishwasher job for exactly minimum wage. I just need money right now, it fucking sucks being 19 and having no job and no money. I planned to get another job on top of my old one and save money until I go to University, hopefully to buy a car or something for transportation, but that definitely isn't happening now.
Even my friend who has a fuck load of experience can't find a job. I thought BC was largely unaffected by the recession but it's definitely hit us and beginning to take its toll. I just hope the winter Olympics pick it up a bit. I just can't believe there has to be a fucking recession when I'm in the prime of my life, 19 years old, unbelievable.
That was a bit off the topic of the original post, but I am having troubles figuring out what to study in University. I think I'm going to go undeclared for a semester and try out computer science, and if I don't like it, then study philosophy and economics. Still very lost in my life right now.
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EPT
