Yet another TL blogrant about girls...

November 10, 2008

What a crazy day. I still can’t believe it happened.

Last night, I dreamt that I was still with Lisa. I don’t remember too many details about the dream, but I had broken up with Lisa about 3 days ago because I couldn’t handle the combined stress of school and lessons with the emotional stress of being in a long-distance relationship. I woke up at 3:50 (!!!) to use the bathroom, but I couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind was too busy trying to figure out what was going on with Amy. For the past day and a half I had been confused by what was going on between us; I openly told her about my feelings for her but she stayed relatively quiet. Two nights ago we were hanging out in my room and I hugged her a few times, and it degenerated into us lying next to each other hugging, probably because of how tired we were (not thinking straight). Anyway, we hadn’t established a relationship (she kept on saying she needed more time), so naturally I was pondering over every action that had happened and wondering about the implications.

A note: I didn’t break up with Lisa to be with Amy. Here’s how it happened. In college I was under more stress than I had ever been under before, so I would look to Lisa to help relieve some of the stress. Lisa isn’t great about being available to talk, so I had to look for people here at Oberlin to help. For whatever reason, I always felt comfortable talking to Amy about anything. So I talked to her about academic stuff. And eventually, emotional stuff. Amy and I became very good friends, and eventually I started developing romantic feelings for her, which I expressed. This led to greater emotional stress on my relationship, and since it was easier to resolve this by talking to Amy, my feelings from her became stronger and it went downhill from there.

So… yeah. This was on my mind, and around 4:30 I decided to get up. I played Spore on my computer for about an hour. I tried to go back to sleep again, but to no avail. At 6 I went to the gym to get some exercise. Normally running cheers me up when I’m down, but all I could think of was “I think she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me… but is it because she doesn’t have time? Or she doesn’t want to be distracted? Or maybe she just doesn’t like me?”
I have no idea what I did from 7 (when I got back) to 8. I guess I was pretty depressed; I had trouble getting work done, and I was tired from waking up so early, and I couldn’t go to sleep, and my mind was filled with insecurity, thinking about Amy. Eventually, she got on AIM. I asked her if she had any time to chat or hang out later, she was reluctant but said maybe after 8(pm). It seemed like such a long time to have to live with all of the stuff on my mind, but I guess it was necessary. I left for chem, hoping that we would get our tests back and mine would have a good grade.

When I got to chem, I found my test. Conveniently, our teacher writes our test scores on the second page. I took a deep breath and opened it. 100/100! Holy cow! I don’t remember ever getting a perfect score on an exam in anything! I was so overcome by emotion. I left the classroom to get a drink and go to the bathroom, because I feared that I might break down and cry. The sudden jolt from being stressed and defeated and sleep deprived to the best possible outcome was overwhelming. I didn’t end up crying, but throughout class I was definitely more cheerful (though still contemplating this Amy issue).

My 10:00 class was the same. 11:00 I was better able to pay attention, just because the class is more interesting. Amy sat two seats from me in class today, but nothing significant happened.

Lunch. Nothing too special.

After lunch, I tried to get some sleep. I fell asleep, but it was restless. Somewhere in there, John called me, waking me up, and I tried answering but the connection dropped as soon as I tried connecting. When I woke up for good, it was about 3:30, and I remember being convinced that I had a horrible fever and was ill. My blanket was covered in sweat. It was weird, I don’t remember it too well. Anyway, I headed to the conservatory to practice before CCW (band).
CCW. Thinking about Amy.

I practiced a little more afterward, then went to dinner at 7. I ate alone, because my friends eat at 6 (I usually do to, but my schedule on Mondays is funky). I went back to my room afterward and did homework. I talked to Amy online, she said she could be over in an hour or so. I did my best to get through more work.

She came over and sat on my bed. I was sitting in my chair, across from her. I didn’t want to be tempted to hug her and influence her clear thought. I asked her if she had a particular desire to talk. She said not really. I told her that I was making a lot of complicated guesswork about what she was thinking, and continued to describe it a little. I told her that I felt like she wouldn’t keep stuff from me unless she either couldn’t express it or she didn’t know what it was. She confirmed this. I talked about how I desperately wished that what had happened two days ago wasn’t only reality, but truth as well. She said she wouldn’t mind. I asked her if she could tell me what she needed more time with. She said something about how she wasn’t living dangerously, and perhaps she should, but it wasn’t something she did on a normal basis. Somewhere around this point I realize that my leg was falling asleep, and I made some sort of motion showing my uncomfortableness. She said that I should sit next to her on the bed, but I said I would be fine. She insisted, and I finally sat next to her. Then she said “I need to live dangerously more often”, and hugged me. After we released each other, I just kinda sat there, dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. Everything worked out just great, and I was completely unprepared for it. I guess I just kinda laughed about the situation and hugged her back. We talked a bit more, but most of it was just enjoying the moment I guess. Eventually I tried to kiss her, but missed the center of her lip. Our lips were close together shortly afterward, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Eventually I did kiss her, and that took about as much will as anything had before.

Later, I went to the bathroom, where I saw Paul. I was still dumbfounded, and had a stupid smile stuck on my face.
He asked, “What are you smiling about”

“It’s been a crazy day,” I responded.

“Why, because McGuire used LotR in his History lecture today?”

“… Maybe I’ll tell you later.”

What a crazy day.