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Yet another TL blogrant about girls...

Blogs > Deleted User 31060
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1 2 Next All
Deleted User 31060
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
3788 Posts
December 12 2008 19:32 GMT
#1
Friday, December 12 2008

Warning: Long.

For reference:
November 10, 2008

What a crazy day. I still can’t believe it happened.

Last night, I dreamt that I was still with Lisa. I don’t remember too many details about the dream, but I had broken up with Lisa about 3 days ago because I couldn’t handle the combined stress of school and lessons with the emotional stress of being in a long-distance relationship. I woke up at 3:50 (!!!) to use the bathroom, but I couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind was too busy trying to figure out what was going on with Amy. For the past day and a half I had been confused by what was going on between us; I openly told her about my feelings for her but she stayed relatively quiet. Two nights ago we were hanging out in my room and I hugged her a few times, and it degenerated into us lying next to each other hugging, probably because of how tired we were (not thinking straight). Anyway, we hadn’t established a relationship (she kept on saying she needed more time), so naturally I was pondering over every action that had happened and wondering about the implications.

A note: I didn’t break up with Lisa to be with Amy. Here’s how it happened. In college I was under more stress than I had ever been under before, so I would look to Lisa to help relieve some of the stress. Lisa isn’t great about being available to talk, so I had to look for people here at Oberlin to help. For whatever reason, I always felt comfortable talking to Amy about anything. So I talked to her about academic stuff. And eventually, emotional stuff. Amy and I became very good friends, and eventually I started developing romantic feelings for her, which I expressed. This led to greater emotional stress on my relationship, and since it was easier to resolve this by talking to Amy, my feelings from her became stronger and it went downhill from there.

So… yeah. This was on my mind, and around 4:30 I decided to get up. I played Spore on my computer for about an hour. I tried to go back to sleep again, but to no avail. At 6 I went to the gym to get some exercise. Normally running cheers me up when I’m down, but all I could think of was “I think she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me… but is it because she doesn’t have time? Or she doesn’t want to be distracted? Or maybe she just doesn’t like me?”
I have no idea what I did from 7 (when I got back) to 8. I guess I was pretty depressed; I had trouble getting work done, and I was tired from waking up so early, and I couldn’t go to sleep, and my mind was filled with insecurity, thinking about Amy. Eventually, she got on AIM. I asked her if she had any time to chat or hang out later, she was reluctant but said maybe after 8(pm). It seemed like such a long time to have to live with all of the stuff on my mind, but I guess it was necessary. I left for chem, hoping that we would get our tests back and mine would have a good grade.

When I got to chem, I found my test. Conveniently, our teacher writes our test scores on the second page. I took a deep breath and opened it. 100/100! Holy cow! I don’t remember ever getting a perfect score on an exam in anything! I was so overcome by emotion. I left the classroom to get a drink and go to the bathroom, because I feared that I might break down and cry. The sudden jolt from being stressed and defeated and sleep deprived to the best possible outcome was overwhelming. I didn’t end up crying, but throughout class I was definitely more cheerful (though still contemplating this Amy issue).

My 10:00 class was the same. 11:00 I was better able to pay attention, just because the class is more interesting. Amy sat two seats from me in class today, but nothing significant happened.

Lunch. Nothing too special.

After lunch, I tried to get some sleep. I fell asleep, but it was restless. Somewhere in there, John called me, waking me up, and I tried answering but the connection dropped as soon as I tried connecting. When I woke up for good, it was about 3:30, and I remember being convinced that I had a horrible fever and was ill. My blanket was covered in sweat. It was weird, I don’t remember it too well. Anyway, I headed to the conservatory to practice before CCW (band).
CCW. Thinking about Amy.

I practiced a little more afterward, then went to dinner at 7. I ate alone, because my friends eat at 6 (I usually do to, but my schedule on Mondays is funky). I went back to my room afterward and did homework. I talked to Amy online, she said she could be over in an hour or so. I did my best to get through more work.

She came over and sat on my bed. I was sitting in my chair, across from her. I didn’t want to be tempted to hug her and influence her clear thought. I asked her if she had a particular desire to talk. She said not really. I told her that I was making a lot of complicated guesswork about what she was thinking, and continued to describe it a little. I told her that I felt like she wouldn’t keep stuff from me unless she either couldn’t express it or she didn’t know what it was. She confirmed this. I talked about how I desperately wished that what had happened two days ago wasn’t only reality, but truth as well. She said she wouldn’t mind. I asked her if she could tell me what she needed more time with. She said something about how she wasn’t living dangerously, and perhaps she should, but it wasn’t something she did on a normal basis. Somewhere around this point I realize that my leg was falling asleep, and I made some sort of motion showing my uncomfortableness. She said that I should sit next to her on the bed, but I said I would be fine. She insisted, and I finally sat next to her. Then she said “I need to live dangerously more often”, and hugged me. After we released each other, I just kinda sat there, dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. Everything worked out just great, and I was completely unprepared for it. I guess I just kinda laughed about the situation and hugged her back. We talked a bit more, but most of it was just enjoying the moment I guess. Eventually I tried to kiss her, but missed the center of her lip. Our lips were close together shortly afterward, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Eventually I did kiss her, and that took about as much will as anything had before.

Later, I went to the bathroom, where I saw Paul. I was still dumbfounded, and had a stupid smile stuck on my face.
He asked, “What are you smiling about”

“It’s been a crazy day,” I responded.

“Why, because McGuire used LotR in his History lecture today?”

“… Maybe I’ll tell you later.”

What a crazy day.


Amy broke up with me yesterday.

I still don’t really understand why. Everything was great on Monday, we had a great time. Tuesday, she tells me that there’s a part of her brain that’s screaming and telling her that she should be single, but she says that she wants it to shut up. She also tells me that she doesn’t know that she loves me anymore. Eventually she just kinda… left. Said “see you tomorrow”, didn’t really say why she left.

Wednesday, she comes and knocks at my door. When I open it she asks me if I have anything to say, if not she should just leave. I just started asking her questions about the day before, and basically the conclusion she came to is this: “I should break up with you but I really don’t want to”. Why? I guess I’m not sure. She had just been kinda emotionally unstable for the past day I guess, and didn’t want to drag me around with it.

Ugh, then it gets ugly. She tells me that it would be really easy if she was dating “any one of five or six other unnamed guys” because then she could break up with them at this point and it would be easier. Agh! I feel so violated, trusting her and loving her just to have her wish that she were with somebody else. But, she said, it wouldn’t be possible to sit next to me in history if she had done that. She looked like she felt really horrible after she said that. I don’t remember the next however many minutes, except that I was just in complete disbelief in the way I treat love and treat her. How could this happen? How could she do this to me?

Upon seeing my… state… she said “You’re amazing, I love you, and I’m sorry”, words that I had said to her when putting her through emotional stress about a month ago. She said she hated herself for what she was putting me through. What could I do? I forgave her. I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t forgive her. I told her that everything would be ok. I didn’t know if I still loved her, but I knew that I still cared for her. I asked her if she wanted us to still be together, and she asked if I wanted us to be together. I asked if that was a yes and she nodded.

The next morning we walked over to the conservatory together. I felt like crap. I knew I loved her. Why? Because I should have been angry at her for violating me like she did and for practically destroying our relationship. But I couldn’t, I could only forgive her. Where else does irrationality like that come? She said I wasn’t worthless, especially not to her. I started crying (subtly) and could barely compose myself for my next class.
Later that day, we were hanging out, and she just said, “I think we need to start over”. I asked if there was anything I could do to help, and she asked if I could help as a friend. Gah. Before she left I told her all the great things I think about her, and how I appreciated it very much.

I don’t know why, but I started feeling like crap much later that night. Maybe I just realized what had just happened. For weeks we were looking forward to the end of term because then we could actually spend time with each other, since we didn’t have time for each other during the year. Just a few days ago, everything had been great. What happened?

Today, she’s not even talking to me. I feel like crap, like I need to vomit out whatever’s left inside of me. Now I know why it’s called heartbreak; it feels like there’s a cavity where my chest used to be, as if my heart is being used in some Aztec sacrifice. We were going to have so much time to spend together, but now I just have time to wonder how the world turned upside down.

Blah.

*
Peaked at C- on ICCUP and proud of it! @Sunyveil
esla_sol
Profile Blog Joined September 2008
United States756 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-12-12 19:42:08
December 12 2008 19:39 GMT
#2
problem: girl dumped you
solution: kill yourself

or use the pain you feel now and manifest it towards a new goal of fucking more and more chicks to numb out the pain of being dumped by the one you love.
Deleted User 31060
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
3788 Posts
December 12 2008 19:49 GMT
#3
On December 13 2008 04:39 esla_sol wrote:
problem: girl dumped you
solution: kill yourself

or use the pain you feel now and manifest it towards a new goal of fucking more and more chicks to numb out the pain of being dumped by the one you love.


Sex isn't important to me. Being alive is.
Peaked at C- on ICCUP and proud of it! @Sunyveil
funkie
Profile Blog Joined November 2005
Venezuela9374 Posts
December 12 2008 19:50 GMT
#4
I kind of have the same set of feelings you do right now, and well, all I can say is feel it up.

There's no cure for it, there's no easy way out, or anything like that, you just have to deal with it, piece by piece. I wish I could say anything to give you happiness or, to cheer you up, but I can't even cheer myself up.

Sorry to hear it mate, good Luck.
CJ Entusman #6! · Strength is the basis of athletic ability. -Rippetoe /* http://j.mp/TL-App <- TL iPhone App 2.0! */
MrHoon *
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
10183 Posts
December 12 2008 19:52 GMT
#5
suck it up, bigger shit than a broken heart coming towards your way
You gotta deal with shit like this and carry on.
dats racist
Archaic
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
United States4024 Posts
December 12 2008 19:55 GMT
#6
On December 13 2008 04:39 esla_sol wrote:
problem: girl dumped you
solution: kill yourself

or use the pain you feel now and manifest it towards a new goal of fucking more and more chicks to numb out the pain of being dumped by the one you love.



I'd say do as much as you can to take your mind off it. Talking, hanging out, instruments, music, internet (To the point of not being antisocial). Anything really that prevents you from lurking and brooding.
inReacH
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Sweden1612 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-12-12 20:04:44
December 12 2008 20:03 GMT
#7
Hey man,

Sounds like a pretty rough situation..
I think you should decide for yourself that as things are, there is no chance for you to get back together right now and have things be normal...
After what's happened there would be way too many lingering thoughts and the last thing you want is to suspect the girl you are with is only with you because she doesn't want to hurt you.
So given that the direct course of action is to just not talk to her, and if you do run into her be nice and don't show her that you are unhappy.
This serves both of your goals which are(at least what I assume):
1. To have her miss you and give you a call.
Whether or not this is the best thing for you guys, when you are feeling lonely this is going to be what you want so you have to decide that not calling her is the best way to get this accomplished otherwise you are going to call her and regret it after.
2. To get over her.
I have kept in contact after a breakup for months and because I made my feelings very clear(I was a wreck) it was by far the worst few months of my life. If you don't get back together your goal is obviously to get over her asap which means you NEED to not talk to her.

Again I'll say if you do run into her.. don't break down or do any of that because it will just make you have more of those feelings when you aren't around her. Which is 99% of the time. Try to take care of yourself.

Going for run when you are feeling down is a great idea, it's kind of hard sometimes.
Consider finding something to REALLY focus on.. something that improves yourself.
Working out is probably the best one.. but don't just work out.. pretend your christian bale and your doing the movies Batman Begins after doing the machinist... check this out

[image loading]


[image loading]


These movies were shot a year apart... no fucking shit.
Eat right and just devote yourself to it.

My girlfriend and I stopped talking on Sunday night after a really rough couple months(we were together for 10 months)
If you do these things this shit is EZPZ(no it's fucking not)
It get's easier though.
Deleted User 31060
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
3788 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-12-12 20:12:46
December 12 2008 20:12 GMT
#8
On December 13 2008 05:03 inReacH wrote:
+ Show Spoiler +

Hey man,

Sounds like a pretty rough situation..
I think you should decide for yourself that as things are, there is no chance for you to get back together right now and have things be normal...
After what's happened there would be way too many lingering thoughts and the last thing you want is to suspect the girl you are with is only with you because she doesn't want to hurt you.
So given that the direct course of action is to just not talk to her, and if you do run into her be nice and don't show her that you are unhappy.
This serves both of your goals which are(at least what I assume):
1. To have her miss you and give you a call.
Whether or not this is the best thing for you guys, when you are feeling lonely this is going to be what you want so you have to decide that not calling her is the best way to get this accomplished otherwise you are going to call her and regret it after.
2. To get over her.
I have kept in contact after a breakup for months and because I made my feelings very clear(I was a wreck) it was by far the worst few months of my life. If you don't get back together your goal is obviously to get over her asap which means you NEED to not talk to her.

Again I'll say if you do run into her.. don't break down or do any of that because it will just make you have more of those feelings when you aren't around her. Which is 99% of the time. Try to take care of yourself.

Going for run when you are feeling down is a great idea, it's kind of hard sometimes.
Consider finding something to REALLY focus on.. something that improves yourself.
Working out is probably the best one.. but don't just work out.. pretend your christian bale and your doing the movies Batman Begins after doing the machinist... check this out

[image loading]


[image loading]


These movies were shot a year apart... no fucking shit.
Eat right and just devote yourself to it.

My girlfriend and I stopped talking on Sunday night after a really rough couple months(we were together for 10 months)
If you do these things this shit is EZPZ(no it's fucking not)
It get's easier though.


Thanks, that helps a lot. Seriously, I think I'll try to take your advice.

I already ran a 6:14 mile in the snow today (wearing just a t-shirt and shorts too). I've never felt so happy to be numb.
Peaked at C- on ICCUP and proud of it! @Sunyveil
geometryb
Profile Blog Joined November 2005
United States1249 Posts
December 12 2008 20:31 GMT
#9
nice story
inReacH
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Sweden1612 Posts
December 12 2008 20:36 GMT
#10
On December 13 2008 05:12 Sunyveil wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 13 2008 05:03 inReacH wrote:
+ Show Spoiler +

Hey man,

Sounds like a pretty rough situation..
I think you should decide for yourself that as things are, there is no chance for you to get back together right now and have things be normal...
After what's happened there would be way too many lingering thoughts and the last thing you want is to suspect the girl you are with is only with you because she doesn't want to hurt you.
So given that the direct course of action is to just not talk to her, and if you do run into her be nice and don't show her that you are unhappy.
This serves both of your goals which are(at least what I assume):
1. To have her miss you and give you a call.
Whether or not this is the best thing for you guys, when you are feeling lonely this is going to be what you want so you have to decide that not calling her is the best way to get this accomplished otherwise you are going to call her and regret it after.
2. To get over her.
I have kept in contact after a breakup for months and because I made my feelings very clear(I was a wreck) it was by far the worst few months of my life. If you don't get back together your goal is obviously to get over her asap which means you NEED to not talk to her.

Again I'll say if you do run into her.. don't break down or do any of that because it will just make you have more of those feelings when you aren't around her. Which is 99% of the time. Try to take care of yourself.

Going for run when you are feeling down is a great idea, it's kind of hard sometimes.
Consider finding something to REALLY focus on.. something that improves yourself.
Working out is probably the best one.. but don't just work out.. pretend your christian bale and your doing the movies Batman Begins after doing the machinist... check this out

[image loading]


[image loading]


These movies were shot a year apart... no fucking shit.
Eat right and just devote yourself to it.

My girlfriend and I stopped talking on Sunday night after a really rough couple months(we were together for 10 months)
If you do these things this shit is EZPZ(no it's fucking not)
It get's easier though.


Thanks, that helps a lot. Seriously, I think I'll try to take your advice.

I already ran a 6:14 mile in the snow today (wearing just a t-shirt and shorts too). I've never felt so happy to be numb.


Yeah man no trouble at all, I will make sure to keep taking my own advice
One more thing, if you are the type, at this point drinking is better for you than talking to this girl so if you have to then let yourself and don't feel weak for it.

UNLESS you are the type to call her when you are drunk but from your posts it sounds like you have enough foresight to not consider that.

Obviously if this is something you can avoid then that is much better but I really feel like it is the lesser of two evils.

Anyways good luck, let me know if anything changes.
frankbg
Profile Blog Joined May 2008
Canada335 Posts
December 12 2008 20:49 GMT
#11
pull a gat on da bitch
Yaqoob
Profile Blog Joined March 2005
Canada3323 Posts
December 12 2008 21:41 GMT
#12
Can we stop calling woman b***** every chance that we get?
김택용 Fighting!
Fontong
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States6454 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-12-12 21:56:48
December 12 2008 21:50 GMT
#13
What?? I missed your first blog and the part where you broke up with Lisa. When was this? Also I didn't even read who wrote this thread until I saw the words 'conservatory.'

(I'll cheer you up over the break, possibly by whipping your ass at SC)
[SECRET FONT] "Dragoon bunker"
Deleted User 31060
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
3788 Posts
December 12 2008 22:18 GMT
#14
On December 13 2008 05:49 frankbg wrote:
pull a gat on da bitch


no, she's a good person.

On December 13 2008 06:50 Fontong wrote:
What?? I missed your first blog and the part where you broke up with Lisa. When was this? Also I didn't even read who wrote this thread until I saw the words 'conservatory.'

(I'll cheer you up over the break, possibly by whipping your ass at SC)


uhh I didn't write a blog when I broke up with Lisa. It wasn't necessary. BTW I uninstalled AIM and deactivated facebook for the time being, but by the time I get back I'll get those back up.
Peaked at C- on ICCUP and proud of it! @Sunyveil
Tensai176
Profile Blog Joined March 2007
Canada2061 Posts
December 12 2008 22:39 GMT
#15
On December 13 2008 07:18 Sunyveil wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 13 2008 05:49 frankbg wrote:
pull a gat on da bitch


no, she's a good person.

Show nested quote +
On December 13 2008 06:50 Fontong wrote:
What?? I missed your first blog and the part where you broke up with Lisa. When was this? Also I didn't even read who wrote this thread until I saw the words 'conservatory.'

(I'll cheer you up over the break, possibly by whipping your ass at SC)


uhh I didn't write a blog when I broke up with Lisa. It wasn't necessary. BTW I uninstalled AIM and deactivated facebook for the time being, but by the time I get back I'll get those back up.

Good idea. My advice, just don't see her for a while, cut all contact. Don't sit next to her in history class, you need time. Time without her there is the most important thing to Rebound right back.

Good luck yo.
We see things they'll never see
Grobyc
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
Canada18410 Posts
December 12 2008 23:03 GMT
#16
On December 13 2008 06:41 Yaqoob wrote:
Can we stop calling woman b***** every chance that we get?

It's much more interesting to post about how they are being b****** rather than how they are all fine and dandy. Otherwise chick blogs wouldn't be as interesting
If you watch Godzilla backwards it's about a benevolent lizard who helps rebuild a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.
Deleted User 31060
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
3788 Posts
December 13 2008 00:37 GMT
#17
On December 13 2008 07:39 Tensai176 wrote:
Show nested quote +
On December 13 2008 07:18 Sunyveil wrote:
On December 13 2008 05:49 frankbg wrote:
pull a gat on da bitch


no, she's a good person.

On December 13 2008 06:50 Fontong wrote:
What?? I missed your first blog and the part where you broke up with Lisa. When was this? Also I didn't even read who wrote this thread until I saw the words 'conservatory.'

(I'll cheer you up over the break, possibly by whipping your ass at SC)


uhh I didn't write a blog when I broke up with Lisa. It wasn't necessary. BTW I uninstalled AIM and deactivated facebook for the time being, but by the time I get back I'll get those back up.

Good idea. My advice, just don't see her for a while, cut all contact. Don't sit next to her in history class, you need time. Time without her there is the most important thing to Rebound right back.

Good luck yo.


Actually, the day she broke up with me was just after the last day of history.
Peaked at C- on ICCUP and proud of it! @Sunyveil
DevAzTaYtA
Profile Blog Joined October 2002
Oman2005 Posts
December 13 2008 01:12 GMT
#18
On December 13 2008 05:03 inReacH wrote:


[image loading]


[image loading]


These movies were shot a year apart... no fucking shit.
Eat right and just devote yourself to it.



that's pretty fucking amazing O_O
JMave
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
Singapore1803 Posts
December 13 2008 03:10 GMT
#19
She sounds quite emotionally unstable and the breakup is probably for the better. I mean over time these things do kick in and soon you'd have to handle her emotional unstability.

Its hard to let go. I know what you feel but well man it happens and since it did, you have to move on.
火心 Jealous. I always loved that feeling when I was young. Embrace it.
arb
Profile Blog Joined April 2008
Noobville17921 Posts
December 13 2008 04:05 GMT
#20
You will make a good sacrifice to Quetzalcoatl
Artillery spawned from the forges of Hell
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