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Story written by me, enjoyy =)

Blogs > letsbefree
Post a Reply
letsbefree
Profile Blog Joined January 2008
Canada123 Posts
March 28 2008 03:10 GMT
#1
The Paper Ring

She was waiting. In a chily night in November 2005. Carol Morson was sitting alone on a bench in a park.
"Eleven o'clock..." she murmured to herself while looking at her watch.
The person who was supposed to be here with her is still nowhere to be seen. At this hour, there were only a few people and couples in the park. THe night is getting darker and darker, and suddenly, the wind blew, and Carol shivered.
"Where is he..." she murmured to herself again, "Why do I always have to wait!"
The people around her looked at her for a second, and they all returned to what they were doing. She felt very lonely. A while later, she looked at her watch again, it reads 11:15 pm. She felt frustrated and tired, she decided that she is not going to wait anymore, she stood up and got ready to leave.
"Carol!" A voice broke the quiet night. A man wearing the uniform of a famous fast-food store came running towards her.
"Sorry I'm late! I got to work because there were a lot of customers today." The man in uniform said.
"Customers? Every time we have a date you would have a lot of customers, is work more important than me Allen?" Carol exclaimed.
"No, definitely not! I'm sorry. Anyways, I brought something for you." Allen pulled out a paper ring from his pocket. "I know this is paper, but i will give you a real one sometime later. I promise."
Carol just smiled, and she puts the ring in her pocket.
Allen felt a bit disappointed because she didn't put it on her finger.
There was silence.
"Eh.. we were suppose to go to a movie right? But I suppose the movie ended already, haha.."
Carol felt her anger rising. "Then why did you come late? You could've told your boss that you have to leave early!"
"But... but i really need money so i have to work, don't you understand? Only that way we can get married, just wait and we will have a wonderful future!"
Silence again.
"Then...i guess we are not going to the movie, how about we go to get something to eat?"
"...sorry," Carol said with deep sorrow, she felt pain in her heart. "Sorry Allen, I'm really sorry, but i can't wait anymore."
"What do you mean? You want to go home for tonight? That's ok, we will find another time and..."
"No...I.." Carol stopped.
She needed not to say no more, suddenly, everything was understood, Allen was stunned and he just stood there speechlessly, silence came once again.
"I..I am sorry Allen, but I've been waiting for too long now. I've waited for you, for years and years! Yet, you still haven't changed a bit! I think it would be better for both of us if we break up." WIth this said, Carol turned around and quickly walked away.
Allen stood in the silence of the night, drowning in his unspoken words of sorrow. After that night, Allen tried to save the relationship, but he failed. Time went by, and seasons wither, the connection between the two became weaker, until finally, all contact was lost.

A few years passed. On a sunny day in Summer, Carol was sitting in a nicely decorated room. Her two year old child Danny was playing around with her stuff.
"Danny, you got to be careful with those, you better not break anything!"
Just after she said that, Danny picked up a thing that looks like a small piece of paper and played with it. Carol looked at the paper, it was a ring, a paper ring. She felt weird because she can't remember where it came from.
"I don't remember my husband giving me anything like that..." She said to herself. Although she couldn't remember, a feeling of sadness passed her body.
"Would you give the ring to me sweetheart?" But Danny threw it across the room.
DING~~
"What..?" Carol was shocked that the paper made such a sound. SHe walked to the place where the ring landed and picked it up. "This is..." She unfolded the paper with her hands.
A bright light shone from the ring, it was the light of the diamond. SUddenly, as if the light is a flash of memory, she remembered. Tears are gathering in her eyes, she looked at the paper that was used to fold the ring, it was a note:

Dear Carol:
Will you marry me?
Love you,
Allen Walker

Tears came flowing down her cheeks. On the back, it reads 17th Nov.2005. She remembered that is the day she broke up with Allen.
Under the sunlight of summer, the ring shone brightly, and it seems to resemble the smile of a man that has long been forgotten. This ring, it would never be put on the finger of the person it meant for. But perhaps somewhere in this world, someone's still waiting, waiting for the girl that will never return to him.





hehe...
ZaplinG
Profile Blog Joined February 2005
United States3818 Posts
Last Edited: 2008-03-28 03:30:26
March 28 2008 03:29 GMT
#2
The idea of the story is good, but your grammar leaves much to be desired. Watch out for the tense shifts; you flip from present to past a lot and it takes me as the reader out of the story. Also, work on your sentence format (i.e. when you have someone talking, start a new sentence) Just look in your favorite book to see how they did it.

The ending was a bit unbelievable, though. You're telling me years later her 2 year old son magically finds a paper ring that she didn't know she had been keeping amongst her stuff? Probably not. Also, if there had been a ring wrapped up like you said, the weight would have given it away when she first received it. In addition, I think her boyfriend would have said something like "Open it" when she completely ignored it rather than just walking away from an expensive diamond ring and the girl he loves.
Don't believe the florist when he tells you that the roses are free
KwarK
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
United States42636 Posts
March 28 2008 04:11 GMT
#3
I liked the concept.
ModeratorThe angels have the phone box
XCetron
Profile Joined November 2006
5226 Posts
March 28 2008 04:18 GMT
#4
On March 28 2008 13:11 Kwark wrote:
I liked the concept.

dancefayedance!~
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
396 Posts
March 28 2008 04:24 GMT
#5
what zapling said. the story and the dialogue isn't believable. it sounds like a sappy love story. try looking for your own voice
7c.nEptuNe
Profile Blog Joined October 2005
United States153 Posts
March 28 2008 04:58 GMT
#6
i liked it =D
paper
Profile Blog Joined September 2004
13196 Posts
March 28 2008 07:14 GMT
#7
i do not remember wrapping around a diamond ring

>_>

<_<

>_>
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