• Log InLog In
  • Register
Liquid`
Team Liquid Liquipedia
EDT 03:32
CEST 09:32
KST 16:32
  • Home
  • Forum
  • Calendar
  • Streams
  • Liquipedia
  • Features
  • Store
  • EPT
  • TL+
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Smash
  • Heroes
  • Counter-Strike
  • Overwatch
  • Liquibet
  • Fantasy StarCraft
  • TLPD
  • StarCraft 2
  • Brood War
  • Blogs
Forum Sidebar
Events/Features
News
Featured News
[ASL21] Ro24 Preview Pt2: News Flash10[ASL21] Ro24 Preview Pt1: New Chaos0Team Liquid Map Contest #22 - Presented by Monster Energy18ByuL: The Forgotten Master of ZvT30Behind the Blue - Team Liquid History Book20
Community News
Weekly Cups (March 23-29): herO takes triple6Aligulac acquired by REPLAYMAN.com/Stego Research8Weekly Cups (March 16-22): herO doubles, Cure surprises3Blizzard Classic Cup @ BlizzCon 2026 - $100k prize pool51Weekly Cups (March 9-15): herO, Clem, ByuN win4
StarCraft 2
General
Rongyi Cup S3 - Preview & Info Team Liquid Map Contest #22 - Presented by Monster Energy Blizzard Classic Cup @ BlizzCon 2026 - $100k prize pool What mix of new & old maps do you want in the next ladder pool? (SC2) Aligulac acquired by REPLAYMAN.com/Stego Research
Tourneys
RSL Season 4 announced for March-April Sparkling Tuna Cup - Weekly Open Tournament StarCraft Evolution League (SC Evo Biweekly) WardiTV Mondays World University TeamLeague (500$+) | Signups Open
Strategy
Custom Maps
[M] (2) Frigid Storage Publishing has been re-enabled! [Feb 24th 2026]
External Content
The PondCast: SC2 News & Results Mutation # 520 Moving Fees Mutation # 519 Inner Power Mutation # 518 Radiation Zone
Brood War
General
so ive been playing broodwar for a week straight. BSL 22 Map Contest — Submissions OPEN to March 10 Klaucher discontinued / in-game color settings BGH Auto Balance -> http://bghmmr.eu/ Pros React To: JaeDong vs Queen
Tourneys
[Megathread] Daily Proleagues [ASL21] Ro24 Group E [ASL21] Ro24 Group F Azhi's Colosseum - Foreign KCM
Strategy
What's the deal with APM & what's its true value Fighting Spirit mining rates Simple Questions, Simple Answers
Other Games
General Games
Stormgate/Frost Giant Megathread Starcraft Tabletop Miniature Game Nintendo Switch Thread General RTS Discussion Thread Darkest Dungeon
Dota 2
The Story of Wings Gaming Official 'what is Dota anymore' discussion
League of Legends
G2 just beat GenG in First stand
Heroes of the Storm
Simple Questions, Simple Answers Heroes of the Storm 2.0
Hearthstone
Deck construction bug Heroes of StarCraft mini-set
TL Mafia
Mafia Game Mode Feedback/Ideas TL Mafia Community Thread Five o'clock TL Mafia
Community
General
US Politics Mega-thread Russo-Ukrainian War Thread The Chess Thread NASA and the Private Sector Things Aren’t Peaceful in Palestine
Fan Clubs
The IdrA Fan Club
Media & Entertainment
[Req][Books] Good Fantasy/SciFi books [Manga] One Piece Movie Discussion!
Sports
2024 - 2026 Football Thread Formula 1 Discussion Cricket [SPORT] Tokyo Olympics 2021 Thread General nutrition recommendations
World Cup 2022
Tech Support
[G] How to Block Livestream Ads
TL Community
The Automated Ban List
Blogs
Broowar part 2
qwaykee
China Uses Video Games to Sh…
TrAiDoS
Funny Nicknames
LUCKY_NOOB
Iranian anarchists: organize…
XenOsky
FS++
Kraekkling
ASL S21 English Commentary…
namkraft
Electronics
mantequilla
Customize Sidebar...

Website Feedback

Closed Threads



Active: 15568 users

Short Story (another one)

Blogs > Pressure
Post a Reply
Pressure
Profile Blog Joined October 2006
7326 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-12-06 19:09:51
December 06 2007 04:44 GMT
#1
ok intro: yeah so I have a short story due Friday for english class and i wrote my first draft 2 days ago. the story feels liek im just writing some random abstract adventure that seems to go on and on, but other short stories seem to have abstract and random plots as well. it doesnt feel like i wrote a real story after comparing it with some other stuff (Hemingway). Now I know that i can't compare to a great like him but still, please read it over and tell me if i have to scrap it for another draft or not, this might not be the best place for it but i jutst wanted some quick feedback. thank you!
ok revised after reading and my friend suggested i mention the thugs again so...

Kevin Yi 11/28/07
Class 9-8 Ms. Refkin
Alcohol Leads to Broken Hearts
“Hello Mr. Woner.” No response. “Mr. Woner, please stop sleeping in my class!” Joe woke up with a dazed look and stared at his teacher with a look of confusion. As he looked around, he noticed all of his fellow students looking at him, and some were even snickering. “Mr. Woner, this is the last time you’ve been caught sleeping in my class, go to the principal’s office right now and explain yourself! I cannot tolerate your behavior in my class any longer!.” Joe shrugged and slowly started walking out of the classroom. ‘My life is dull, what is there to do…’was his thought as he walked past the principal’s office and toward the school doors. He had been there too many times to care anymore; even his parents had given up any type of expectations for him.
Joe was tall and a bit muscular, despite his hobbies of sleeping and staring at the sky for long hours. He often wore a pair of torn jeans, a dirty white t-shirt, and a light black jacket over it, and had a shaved head. He was from a moderately wealthy family that was strictly Catholic and full of morals, but Joe did not feel the grace of God or the Mother Mary as he was growing up. He wandered away from his family as he entered high school, preferring to stay outside and find something to do. He rarely talked to his parents, and it was often because of a call from the school, an attempt to change Joe’s religious views, or both. Joe was an outcast from even his little brother Stewie, who he saw as a very immature and disrespectful little brother. As Joe looked out onto the courtyard, thoughts of boredom and sleep filled his mind. The sun was shining on the grand oak trees guarding the tiny trail to the school doors, and the gates of the school looked imposing and foreboding, giving the many students that walked in a bright and cheery beginning to a great day at school. After taking in a deep breath, he simply thought, “Time for another day of school, eh” and he walked toward the benches near the gate, to lie down, and slowly dozed off under the warm sun.
Three hours later. “Yo Joe!” Joe shifted toward the other side of the bench, determined to stay in his dreams. “Joe, wake up! School’s over!” Joe muttered something along the lines of, “What the hell…” as he slowly got up to his feet and rubbed his eyes. He awoke to see Peter blocking the sun and looking down on him. Peter was a tall and wiry kid in his class that he had known since the 1st grade. Peter was one of the richest kids in school who lived in the most expensive neighborhood in Chicago, but he was considered a geek and a loser due to his straight A’s, very unfashionable clothes (On this particular day, he was wearing a bright orange t-shirt with polka dots, leopard skinned pants, and a pair of sandals), and his habit of licking a mole above his mouth whenever he was nervous or scared. Joe got up and calmly started walking out of the courtyard, completely ignoring Peter, while Peter ran up and began to walk with him. “You know… Principal Goldberg came to class asking about you. You’re so stupid man! Why did you come here instead of coming to see her? She’s going to call your parents.” Joe stopped and looked at him with dull and lifeless eyes, as if Peter was just another annoyance to be dealt with in his life. He responded, “I really couldn’t care less, dude. My parents will just yell at me for being a bad son and it’ll be over by the next deal. They wouldn’t kick me out; my dad will just pay for them to keep me in school. They really can’t do anything.”
Peter looked at him with a quizzical face for about a minute, and suddenly, with a burst of energy, asked; “Yo Joe you want to go get some booze? I got a fake ID the other day and that seedy liquor store on Shell Street, Sing’s, will accept any ID. You wanna go get some?” Joe raised his eyebrow, seeming slightly amused at Peter’s attempt to be cool. Although he wasn’t exactly a person of good morals, he had seen some kids in his class that came to class drunk and looked completely out of it. He thought that drinking was stupid and made a person become a huge idiot. But as he thought of the impending doom that was boredom for the entire day, he changed his mind. Besides, there was nothing else to do was there? “Yeah yeah sure, let’s go.” Peter looked at Joe with wide eyes and with a burst of energy said, “Vamanos! Everybody let’s go!”
They started the walk down to the liquor store, the sidewalk of their suburban town was empty and in ruins. There were huge amounts of garbage on either side of them, the strong scent of alcohol and cigarettes filled the air, and they noticed a rat on the side that was chewing on what seemed to be a remnant of a cigarette box. Across the street, they noticed tough thugs from different ethnic gangs around the city huddled in large groups at the street corner and on top of strangers’ cars, smoking weed and giving them unwelcoming glances. Joe seemed completely unfazed at the things around him and kept a placid face on, but had a clenched fist with a pocketknife concealed in his jacket, something he always kept on his person since a run-in with one of the thugs earlier in the year. Peter, on the other hand looked scared and regretted ever coming up with the idea to enter this dangerous area of town. His palms were sweaty and his legs trembled as he walked very closely with Joe. Finally, they found the liquor store at the corner of Shell and 34th.
The store had its windows boarded up, due to various gang fights in the area nearly destroying the store 5 times in the past month, and the huge red sign that once said Sing’s was faded and had bullet holes in it, causing the g in the name to fall off. Joe walked up to the store and opened the door. Peter was still standing a short distance and asked Joe, “Hey Joe, are you sure you want to come? We can always come back another day; I don’t think that my fake ID can pass this…” Joe gave him a stare and said, “What.” In the most dangerously calm way possible. Peter gave a weak grin and said “Nothing.” and slowly walked into the store.
As they opened the well-padded wooden door into the store, they met the strong smell of tobacco and hard liquor. Peter began to cough at a rapid rate and soon his face turned completely red. Joe wasn’t affected at all, due to the thugs in the park that smoked a lot rolled his eyes and started walking through the aisles. The wooden floor creaked with every step and the variety was very large for a store of its size and short-comings in money. While Peter was busy leaning against the wall trying to reach his asthma pump while coughing, Joe looked for a good drink. He saw the expensive whiskey that cost over a hundred dollars, and the cheap 20mL one’s that you could keep in your pocket easily. Finally, after much consideration over the pure alcohol content and debating whether or not this type of liquor would harm him, he selected a small bottle of Simon’s Happy Caribbean Lemonade and walked back to the counter. Peter was just getting over his fit, and walked up to Joe. “Did you find a good one?” Peter whispered. Joe simply said, “Yeah, yeah let’s hurry up man.” Peter eagerly took out his ID and presented it to the cashier. The cashier was a lanky young Indian man who looked like he had just taken a dosage of cocaine, and had very droopy red eyes and a dirty traditional Indian robe on. He took a quick glance at it while he slowly charged Peter for it and gave back change. Peter could barely keep his hands still as he walked out the store, and Joe followed quietly.
Outside, Peter opened the bag. Joe and Peter both looked at it very solemnly for a minute, almost thinking about the consequences that they would go through after drinking. Joe then reached for the bottle, opened it, and took a deep gulp of it through the mouth. After swallowing, Joe simply yelled, “Oh damn!” and fell face flat on the ground. Peter frantically went on the ground and turned over Joe’s body, who was in a Christlike pose. Desperately trying to wake up Joe, he was crying as he tried to shake him and put CPR on him. “No Joe, you can’t go! You’re one of the only friends I have! Joe!” He was crying very hard and completely oblivious to the world around him, as one of the thugs that they had seen earlier started walking towards them.
The scent of smoke and cologne entered Peter’s nose as he sensed an unknown figure come closer. Peter saw the shadow of an arriving figure and when he looked up and dried his tears, he came face to face with one of the thugs that they had seen earlier that day. He was a 7 foot Hispanic, with an unshaved face and various blemishes. He had a red bandana on, and had a lone gold earring on his right ear. He had on a dirty white undershirt, and large jeans, as well as a brand new pair of Timberland hiking boots. He blocked the sun directly and Peter’s eyes widened as the thug calmly pushed Peter aside and started dragging Joe’s body effortlessly by the leg toward the other end of the block. Peter sat there, the tears still coming from his eyes as he saw his friend Joe’s calm face being torn apart into pieces with stray pieces of gravel on the ground. Peter shed his tears and thought to himself, I can’t be a wimp anymore. I have to do what’s right for once. I’m going to get Joe back, and I’ll kill myself to do it!” Peter started to run towards the thug (who was still slowly dragging Joe’s body) with great speed, and when he came into range, he let out a loud “YAH!” and jumped on the thug.
For such a large and tough looking person, the thug fell very easily. He let out a loud “Ugh!” as he fell and became unconscious. Peter looked at the thug for a moment and looked at his trembling hands. I did it! I finally did something that wasn’t lame for once! I have to save Joe now, crap! Peter quickly reached for his expensive Sidekick 3 in his back pocket and speed dialed his private limousine to pick him up. At hearing where he was, his chauffeur was furious but Peter was screaming and saying, “HURRY THE HELL UP WILL YOU!” At the limousine’s arrival, he carried Joe’s heavy body into the car and ordered the chauffeur to drive him home, but not before kicking the bottle of liquor in the street in anger, which cracked almost instantly.
10:00 AM. Joe awoke with a massive headache on Peter’s couch and looked at his surroundings and slowly saw as the things around him stopped swirling. He saw a large glass chandelier above him with rich foreign wallpaper and carpets around him. He was lying on a brand new red leather couch and had an expensive silk blanket over him. He took a minute to regain his consciousness and to think about exclaimed, “Goddamn what is this? Peter!” Peter, wearing soft pajamas with rubber duckies on them, rushed to him and gave him some water to drink. “Joe, are you okay?” “Yeah. I’m going to go home now. Let’s do this another time, okay?” Joe slowly got up and started walking out the door, leaving Peter speechless.
As he slowly walked out of Peter’s home, he was reevaluating his actions. “Sure, it had killed a few hours,” he thought, but his parents would be pissed at a phone call from the school asking for a reason for his absence. He had always tried to ignore them up to now; they were only nuisances and obstacles in my life. But he was still concerned, he didn’t like the look in their eyes and even his little brother, it was very judgmental and it really made Joe feel sinful. “But wait. Why do I even care about this? Since when did I believe in God and sin and all of that? I can lead my own life by myself, no problem,” he thought. When he reached the gates to Peter’s estate, he raised his hand along the road for a taxi as he shivered in the cold morning breeze. The road was empty and desolate, with the occasional car passing by every minute. After 15 minutes of standing in the cold, Joe felt relief as a lone taxi pulled up. It was a very trashy yellow cab with a bad stench of cigarettes, but it would do. Joe entered the car and without much enthusiasm, said, “1411 Parsons Blvd please.” The driver was a pudgy sort of Caucasian man, wearing a vest stained with Sloppy Joes and Coca-Cola, and had a dirty Chicago Cubs cap on that was probably from the 50’s. He said in a loud voice, “Yeah sure boss. Let’s go!” Joe sighed as he looked out the window and stared at the bleak morning sky. The massive headache caused his head to pulse every second and he could barely hold it. After the drive, Joe paid the driver with a ten-dollar bill and walked up to his house.
The house wasn’t exactly the envy of the block; it was one of those old Victorian-style houses that are extremely thin and tall, with many wooden plates of the roof falling off. All around it, there were weeds slowly eating away at the plant life near the faded steps that had once been bright red. The porch had a rocking chair that had one side missing a leg, and the potted plants on the veranda were gray and without life. Joe gave a huge sigh as he walked up his steps; each step he took gave creaks as he prepared himself to face his parents.
When he walked in, the house wasn’t very wealthy or decorative, but it was very clean and orderly, just like his parents wanted it. The floors were made of wood that were scrubbed to its end to retain some of its old luster, and the staircase was newly repainted. It was an amateur job with dabs of fresh paint accidentally dripping on the black steps, but it was an effort. Joe took off his jacket and put it on the coat rack, and kicked off his shoes into a dusty corner. He walked into the kitchen, a very messy and dirty place. He saw his mother; a short stumpy woman aged around 50 with silver tied back hair. The silver hair was from all the stress that Joe had caused her, and her only reason for keeping him was her strong Catholic faith. She was wearing a much stained kitchen robe and had fluffy slippers on to avoid all the dirt and grime on the kitchen floor. Joe slowly walked up to her, his head still throbbing in pain, and tapped her shoulders. Ms. Woner shrieked in surprise and gave him a stern look. She had a pair of green eyes that seemed to stare into your soul, and they were constantly calculating and thinking. Joe seemed to be intimidated for a second, but soon regained his cool composure.
“So Joseph. You cut school again, I assume?” Do you have any other excuses this time or should I start my prayers for you already?” Joe tried to look away and avoid his mother’s rage, but he actually felt the guilt for once. He thought about the hardships his dad went through to make a wage, teaching Hebrew to school kids on the weekend to support his family. “You make my life harder than it was to begin with Joseph, you know that we don’t have the wealth or tolerance to put up with your antics constantly! You are in high school young man, and your brother is already more mature than you in the 7th grade!” She stopped and looked down on the floor, breathing hard and letting tears fall for the first time. Although he had ignored the lectures all this time, Joe felt guilty that he had broken his own moral code. Seeing his own mother cry because of what he had done, it gave Joe a sickening feeling in his stomach. Ms. Woner looked up at him and coldly stared at his eyes. His breath caught her nose and instantly she smelt the alcohol from the previous day and looked up toward the heavens. After a full minute of standing, she calmly resumed her rant. “I’m done with you, Joseph. I prayed to the good Mother Mary for you but there is no hope. Leave this household.” Joe looked at her with a blank face. ‘Leave this household…? What? Does she actually mean it? I feel pretty bad but… what the hell is she talking about,’ he thought. Suddenly, she collapsed to the ground. Joe stared at her for a second, not believing what was happening. Then, he went down to the floor checking her pulse and slowly but steadily letting tears run down his cheek. ‘She can’t be dead… can she? No, this isn’t possible. THERE IS NO FREAKING WAY THIS IS POSSIBLE.” He started screaming and shaking her when he realized her pulse was gone.
After 10 minutes, he walked to the wall, and sat on the ground, staring at his dead mother. ‘What happened?! What kind of cruel fate is this, God! ANSWER ME GOD!” He started sobbing hysterically; he had not realized how much he cared about his mother until this instant, now he was learning it the hard way. He covered his eyes with his sweaty palms and prayed the Lord’s Prayer, something he had memorized from his days in the Catholic Preschool. Nothing happened, and he soon ran out of his house in frenzy and ran to the nearest Church, sobbing and crying in anger and sadness. He knocked open the gates to the church and ran into the middle of a congregation witnessing a baptism. Joe, completely oblivious to the people around him that were staring, ran to the front of the congregation, where the large cross was hanging, and lay in misery. The head priest, who was in the middle of baptizing a new man into priesthood, looked at Joe with wise eyes, dragged him in front of the baptism bath, and quietly said, “Son, let me wash away your sins and your past. Let Jesus embrace your soul and bring happiness in your life.” Joe suddenly woke up as if some divine spirit had freed his guilt and burden, and without thinking stepped into the cold tub feeling almost nothing. The priest blessed him and asked Joe in a calm voice, “Do you wish to be a part of our Order, young man?” Joe looked up to him and was blinded by the light of the glass ceiling above, and could not see the face of the head priest. “So this is the face of God,” he thought, “So bright and loving, the Lord knows all, doesn’t he?” Joe said with rejuvenation, “Yes my Lord! Allow me to become a loving and great person like you, let me join your Order!” And from then on, Joseph loved God and let him enter all aspects of life. He became the town’s head priest and never forgot the day that he had been saved.


+ Show Spoiler +

Kevin Yi 11/28/07
Class 9-8 Ms. Refkin
Alcohol Leads to Broken Hearts
“Hello Mr. Woner.” No response. “Mr. Woner, please stop sleeping in my class!” Joe woke up with a dazed look and stared at his teacher with a look of confusion. As he looked around, he noticed all of his fellow students looking at him and some even snickering. “Mr. Woner, this is the last time you’ve been caught sleeping in my class, go to the principal’s office right now and explain yourself! I cannot tolerate your behavior in my class any longer!.” Joe shrugged and slowly started walking out of the classroom. ‘My life is dull, what is there to do…’was his thought as he walked past the principal’s office and toward the school doors. He had been there too many times to care anymore; even his parents had given up any type of expectations for him. Joe was tall and a bit muscular, despite his hobbies of sleeping and staring at the sky for long hours. He wore a pair of torn jeans, a dirty white t-shirt, and a light black jacket over it, and had a shaved head. He was from a moderately wealthy family that was strictly Catholic and full of morals, but Joe did not feel the grace of God or the Mother Mary as he was growing up. He wandered away from his family as he entered high school, preferring to stay outside and find something to do. He rarely talked to his parents, and it was often because of a call from the school, an attempt to change Joe’s religious views, or both. Joe was an outcast from even his little brother Stewie, who was completely determined to become a priest in the Roman Catholic Church. As Joe looked out onto the courtyard, thoughts of boredom and sleep filled his mind. The sun was shining on the grand oak trees guarding the tiny trail to the school doors, and the gates of the school looked imposing and foreboding, giving the many students that walked in a bright and cheery beginning to a great day at school. After taking in a deep breath, he simply thought, “Time for another day of school, eh” and he walked toward the benches near the gate, to lie down, and slowly dozed off under the warm sun.
Three hours later. “Yo Joe!” Joe shifted toward the other side of the bench, determined to stay in his dreams. “Joe, wake up! School’s over!” Joe muttered something along the lines of, “What the hell…” as he slowly got up to his feet and rubbed his eyes. He awoke to see Peter blocking the sun and looking down on him. Peter was a tall and wiry kid in his class that he had known since the 1st grade. Peter was one of the richest kids in school who lived in the most expensive neighborhood in Chicago, but he was considered a geek and a loser due to his straight A’s, very unfashionable clothes (On this particular day, he was wearing a green and orange striped t-shirt with khakis and sandals), and his habit of licking a mole above his mouth whenever he was nervous or scared. Joe got up and calmly started walking out of the courtyard, completely ignoring Peter, while Peter ran up and began to walk with him. “You know… Principal Goldberg came to class asking about you. You’re so stupid man! Why did you come here instead of coming to see her? She’s going to call your parents.” Joe stopped and looked at him with dull and lifeless eyes, as if Peter was just another annoyance to be dealt with in his life. He responded, “I really couldn’t care less, dude. My parents will just yell at me for being a bad son and it’ll be over by the next deal. They wouldn’t kick me out, my dad will just pay for them to keep me in school. They really can’t do anything.”
Peter looked at him with a quizzical face for about a minute, and suddenly, with a burst of energy, asked; “Yo Joe you want to go get some alcohol? I got a fake ID the other day and that seedy liquor store on Shell Street, Sing’s, will accept any ID. You wanna go get some?” Joe raised his eyebrow, seeming slightly amused at Peter’s attempt to be cool. Although he wasn’t exactly a person of good morals, he had seen some kids in his class that came to class drunk and looked completely out of it. He thought that drinking was stupid and made a person become a huge idiot. But as he thought of the impending doom that was boredom for the entire day, he changed his mind. Besides, there was nothing else to do was there? “Yeah yeah sure, let’s go.” Peter looked at Joe with wide eyes and with a burst of energy said, “Alright!”
They started the walk down to the liquor store, the sidewalk of their suburban town was empty and in ruins. There were huge amounts of garbage on either side of them, the strong scent of alcohol and cigarettes filled the air, and they noticed a rat on the side that was chewing on what seemed to be a remnant of a cigarette box. Across the street, they noticed tough thugs from different ethnic gangs around the city huddled in large groups at the street corner and on top of strangers’ cars, smoking weed and giving them unwelcoming glances. Joe seemed completely unfazed at the things around him and kept a placid face on, but had a clenched fist with a pocketknife concealed in his jacket, something he always kept on his person since a run-in with one of the thugs earlier in the year. Peter, on the other hand looked scared and regretted ever coming up with the idea to enter this dangerous area of town. His palms were sweaty and his legs trembled as he walked very closely with Joe. Finally, they found the liquor store at the corner of Shell and 34th.
The store had its windows boarded up, due to various gang fights in the area nearly destroying the store 5 times in the past month, and the huge red sign that once said Sing’s was faded and had bullet holes in it, causing the g in the name to fall off. Joe walked up to the store and opened the door. Peter was still standing a short distance and asked Joe, “Hey Joe, are you sure you want to come? We can always come back another day, I don’t think that my fake ID can pass this…” Joe gave him a stare and said, “What.” In the most dangerously calm way possible. Peter gave a weak grin and said “Nothing.” and slowly walked into the store. As they opened the well-padded wooden door into the store, they met the strong smell of tobacco and hard liquor. Peter began to cough at a rapid rate and soon his face turned completely red. Joe wasn’t affected at all, due to the thugs in the park that smoked a lot while playing basketball, rolled his eyes and started walking through the aisles. The wooden floor creaked with every step and the variety was very large for a store of its size and short-comings in money. While Peter was busy leaning against the wall trying to reach his asthma pump while coughing, Joe looked for a good drink. He saw the expensive whiskey that cost over a hundred dollars, and the cheap 20mL one’s that you could keep in your pocket easily. Finally, after much consideration over the pure alcohol content and debating whether or not this type of liquor would harm him, he selected a small bottle of Simon’s Happy Caribbean Lemonade and walked back to the counter. Peter was just getting over his fit, and walked up to Joe. “Did you find a good one?” Peter whispered. Joe simply said, “Yeah, yeah let’s hurry up man.” Peter eagerly took out his ID and presented it to the cashier. The cashier was a lanky young Indian man who looked like he had just taken a dosage of cocaine, and had very droopy red eyes and a dirty traditional Indian robe on. He took a quick glance at it while he slowly charged Peter for it and gave back change. Peter could barely keep his hands still as he walked out the store, and Joe followed quietly.
Outside, Peter opened the bag. Joe and Peter both looked at it very solemnly for a minute, almost thinking about the consequences that they would go through after drinking. Joe then reached for the bottle, opened it, and took a deep gulp of it through the mouth. After swallowing, Joe simply yelled, “Oh damn!” and fell face flat on the ground. Peter frantically went on the ground and turned over Joe’s body, who was in a Christlike pose. Desperately trying to wake up Joe, he was crying as he tried to shake him and put CPR on him. “No Joe, you can’t go! You’re one of the only friends I have! Joe!” He was crying very hard as he called his private limousine to come and get him. At hearing where he was, his chauffeur was furious but Peter was screaming and saying, “HURRY THE HELL UP WILL YOU!”. At the limousine’s arrival, he carried Joe’s heavy body into the car and ordered the chauffeur to drive him home, but not before kicking the bottle of liquor in the street in anger, which cracked almost instantly.
10:00 AM. Joe awoke with a massive headache on Peter’s couch and looked at his surroundings and slowly saw as the things around him stopped swirling. He saw an expensive glass chandelier with rich foreign wallpaper and carpets around him. He was lying on an expensive red couch and had an expensive silk blanket over him. He took a minute to regain his consciousness and to think about exclaimed, “Goddamn what is this. Peter!” Peter, wearing soft pajamas with rubber duckies on them, rushed to him and gave him some water to drink. “Joe, are you okay?” “Yeah. I’m going to go home now. Let’s do this another time, okay?” Joe slowly got up and started walking out the door, leaving Peter speechless.
As he slowly walked out of Peter’s home, he was reevaluating his actions. “Sure, it had killed a few hours,” he thought, but his parents would be pissed at a phone call from the school asking for a reason for his absence. He had always tried to ignore them up to now, they were only nuisances and obstacles in my life. But he was still concerned, he didn’t like the look in their eyes and even his little brother, it was very judgmental and it really made Joe feel sinful. “But wait. Why do I even care about this? Since when did I believe in God and sin and all of that? I can lead my own life by myself, no problem,” he thought. When he reached the gates to Peter’s estate, he raised his hand along the road for a taxi as he shivered in the cold morning breeze. The road was empty and desolate, with the occasional car passing by every minute. After 15 minutes of standing in the cold, Joe felt relief as a lone taxi pulled up. It was a very trashy yellow cab with a bad stench of cigarettes, but it would do. Joe entered the car and without much enthusiasm, said, “1411 Parsons Blvd please.” The driver was a pudgy sort of Caucasian man, wearing a vest stained with Sloppy Joes and Coca-Cola, and had a dirty Chicago Cubs cap on that was probably from the 50’s. He said in a loud voice, “Yeah sure boss. Let’s go!” Joe sighed as he looked out the window and stared at the bleak morning sky. The massive headache caused his head to pulse every second and he could barely hold it. After the drive, Joe paid the driver with a ten-dollar bill and walked up to his house.
The house wasn’t exactly the envy of the block; it was one of those old Victorian-style houses that are extremely thin and tall, with many wooden plates of the roof falling off. All around it, there were weeds slowly eating away at the plantlife near the faded steps that had once been bright red. The porch had a rocking chair that had one side missing a leg, and the potted plants on the veranda were gray and without life. Joe gave a huge sigh as he walked up his steps, each step he took gave creaks as he prepared himself to face his parents.
When he walked in, the house wasn’t very wealthy or decorative, but it was very clean and orderly, just like his parents wanted it. The floors were made of wood that were scrubbed to its end to retain some of its old luster, and the staircase was newly repainted. It was an amateur job with dabs of fresh paint accidentally dripping on the black steps, but it was an effort. Joe took off his jacket and put it on the coat rack, and kicked off his shoes into a dusty corner. He walked into the kitchen, a very messy and dirty place. He saw his mother; a short stumpy woman aged around 50 with silver tied back hair. The silver hair was from all the stress that Joe had caused her, and her only reason for keeping him was her strong Catholic faith. She was wearing a very stained kitchen robe and had fluffy slippers on to avoid all the dirt and grime on the kitchen floor. Joe slowly walked up to her, his head still throbbing in pain, and tapped her shoulders. Ms. Woner shrieked in surprise and gave him a stern look. She had a pair of green eyes that seemed to stare into your soul, and they were constantly calculating and thinking. Joe seemed to be intimidated for a second, but soon regained his cool composure. Ms. Woner said, “So Joseph. You cut school again, I presume? Do you have any other excuses this time or should I start my prayers for you already?” Joe tried to look away and avoid his mother’s rage, but he actually felt the guilt for once. He thought about the hardships his dad went through to make a wage, teaching Hebrew to school kids on the weekend to support his family. “You make my life harder than it was to begin with Joseph, you know that we don’t have the wealth or tolerance to put up with your antics constantly! You are in high school young man, and your brother is already more mature than you in the 7th grade!” She stopped and looked down on the floor, breathing hard and letting tears fall for the first time. Although he had ignored the lectures all this time, Joe felt guilty that he had broken his own moral code. Seeing his own mother cry because of what he had done, it gave Joe a sickening feeling in his stomach. Ms. Woner looked up at him and coldly stared at his eyes. His breath caught her nose and instantly she smelt the alcohol from the previous day and looked up toward the heavens. After a full minute of standing, she calmly resumed her rant. “I’m done with you, Joseph. I prayed to the good Mother Mary for you but there is no hope. Leave this household.” Joe looked at her with a blank face. ‘Leave this household…? What? Does she actually mean it? I feel pretty bad but… what the hell is she talking about,’ he thought. Suddenly, she collapsed to the ground. Joe stared at her for a second, not believing what was happening. Then, he went down to the floor checking her pulse and slowly but steadily letting tears run down his cheek. ‘She can’t be dead… can she? No, this isn’t possible. THERE IS NO FREAKING WAY THIS IS POSSIBLE.” He started screaming and shaking her when he realized her pulse was gone. After 10 min, he walked to the wall, and sat on the ground, staring at his dead mother. ‘What happened?! What kind of cruel fate is this, God! ANSWER ME GOD!” He started sobbing hysterically, he had not realized how much he cared about his mother until this instant, now he was learning it the hard way. He covered his eyes with his sweaty palms and prayed the Lord’s Prayer, something he had memorized from his days in the Catholic Preschool. Nothing happened, and he soon ran out of his house in a frenzy and ran to the nearest Church, sobbing and crying in anger and sadness. He knocked open the gates to the church and ran into the middle of a congregation witnessing a baptism. Joe, completely oblivious to the people around him that were staring, ran to the front of the congregation, where the large cross was hanging, and lay in misery. The head priest, who was in the middle of baptizing a new man into priesthood, looked at Joe with wise eyes, dragged him in front of the baptism bath, and quietly said, “Son, let me wash away your sins and your past. Let Jesus embrace your soul and bring happiness in your life.” Joe suddenly woke up as if some divine spirit had freed his guilt and burden, and without thinking stepped into the cold tub feeling almost nothing. The priest blessed him and asked Joe in a calm voice, “Do you wish to be a part of our Order, young man?” Joe looked up to him and was blinded by the light of the glass ceiling above, and could not see the face of the head priest. “So this is the face of God,” he thought, “So bright and loving, the Lord knows all, doesn’t he?” Joe said with rejuvenation, “Yes my Lord! Allow me to become a loving and great person like you, let me join your Order!” And from then on, Joseph loved God and let him enter all aspects of life. He became the town’s head priest and never forgot the day that he had been saved.


HonkHonkBeep
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
China353 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-12-06 07:08:41
December 06 2007 06:55 GMT
#2
Read your draft and if you find yourself using words more than twice in the same sentence or even in two separate sentences, or starting adjacent sentences with the same words, try to change it. Look at this:

"Joe woke up with a dazed look and stared at his teacher with a look of confusion. As he looked around, he noticed all of his fellow students looking at him and some even snickering. “

You used the word "look" 4 times, and synonyms for look a couple of times. It's not very smooth when you do that.
God is cruel; sometimes he makes us live.
Physician *
Profile Blog Joined January 2004
United States4146 Posts
Last Edited: 2007-12-06 14:29:21
December 06 2007 09:59 GMT
#3
be merciful, paragraphs man..
"I have beheld the births of negative-suns and borne witness to the entropy of entire realities...."
ram
Profile Blog Joined January 2003
Lithuania602 Posts
December 06 2007 11:38 GMT
#4
i didn't like the ending... cuz all the story is about a cool guy who doesn't give a shit. So he shold've went to church with a somewhat cool face also. But it was as if you changed your main char.
But everything else is really good, i was captivated by those small details =)
Equinox_kr
Profile Blog Joined December 2006
United States7395 Posts
December 06 2007 13:18 GMT
#5
Why is his last name "Woner?"

Rhymes with something ...



























haha
^-^
Equinox_kr
Profile Blog Joined December 2006
United States7395 Posts
December 06 2007 13:19 GMT
#6
On December 06 2007 18:59 Physician wrote:
paragraphs man..


And omg yes. I didn't read the entire short story due to this problem lolol
^-^
Meta
Profile Blog Joined June 2003
United States6225 Posts
December 06 2007 16:37 GMT
#7
"but not before kicking the bottle of liquor in the street in anger, which cracked almost instantly"

saddest part =(

good vibes only
azndsh
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States4447 Posts
December 06 2007 18:02 GMT
#8
General rule: every time somebody different talks, use a new paragraph
Pressure
Profile Blog Joined October 2006
7326 Posts
December 06 2007 18:49 GMT
#9
alright thank you
the ending it was supposed to be how he didnt really care about his mom and family all that much
but when he realizes all the suffering hes caused them trying to lead his life and all and sees her death he goes completely psycho

or should i have him like keep his composure or something as he walked out to the door and try to keep a poker face on while he walks into the church with a bit of a fast step and totally breaks down when he gets up there?

adding a couple indents and etc, yeah i used alot of repetitions in words, same with the part when he woke up and i said the word expensive 20 times
il0seonpurpose
Profile Blog Joined January 2007
Korea (South)5638 Posts
December 06 2007 21:47 GMT
#10
On December 06 2007 22:18 Equinox_kr wrote:
Why is his last name "Woner?"

Rhymes with something ...



LOLOLOLOL

It was good story overall though, yes please new paragraphs every quote























haha
byChris
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
United States99 Posts
December 06 2007 21:55 GMT
#11
interesting? What level of writing is this supposed to be ? The point of the story is obvious enough, but I felt the conclusion was a bit trite...
dang.
Pressure
Profile Blog Joined October 2006
7326 Posts
December 06 2007 22:09 GMT
#12
hmm yeah i have to admit the conclusion was pretty weird but i wanted the guy to have a revelation after being useless for his whole life

level of writing :[
HonkHonkBeep
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
China353 Posts
December 07 2007 06:27 GMT
#13
Watch out for dangling modifiers
God is cruel; sometimes he makes us live.
Please log in or register to reply.
Live Events Refresh
Next event in 2h 28m
[ Submit Event ]
Live Streams
Refresh
StarCraft 2
NeuroSwarm 178
StarCraft: Brood War
BeSt 885
Pusan 228
ggaemo 146
Nal_rA 97
Larva 38
Killer 37
910 36
Bale 16
League of Legends
JimRising 626
Counter-Strike
shoxiejesuss215
Super Smash Bros
C9.Mang0237
Heroes of the Storm
Khaldor134
Other Games
summit1g13796
WinterStarcraft507
ceh9358
Organizations
Counter-Strike
PGL5253
Other Games
BasetradeTV196
StarCraft 2
Blizzard YouTube
StarCraft: Brood War
BSLTrovo
sctven
[ Show 12 non-featured ]
StarCraft 2
• AfreecaTV YouTube
• intothetv
• Kozan
• IndyKCrew
• LaughNgamezSOOP
• Migwel
• sooper7s
StarCraft: Brood War
• BSLYoutube
• STPLYoutube
• ZZZeroYoutube
League of Legends
• Rush1707
• Stunt426
Upcoming Events
Afreeca Starleague
2h 28m
Wardi Open
3h 28m
Replay Cast
16h 28m
Sparkling Tuna Cup
1d 2h
PiGosaur Cup
1d 16h
Kung Fu Cup
2 days
The PondCast
3 days
Replay Cast
3 days
Replay Cast
4 days
CranKy Ducklings
5 days
[ Show More ]
BSL
5 days
Replay Cast
5 days
Sparkling Tuna Cup
6 days
BSL
6 days
Replay Cast
6 days
Liquipedia Results

Completed

CSL Elite League 2026
RSL Revival: Season 4
NationLESS Cup

Ongoing

BSL Season 22
ASL Season 21
CSL Season 20: Qualifier 2
CSL 2026 SPRING (S20)
StarCraft2 Community Team League 2026 Spring
Nations Cup 2026
PGL Bucharest 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 1
BLAST Open Spring 2026
ESL Pro League S23 Finals
ESL Pro League S23 Stage 1&2
PGL Cluj-Napoca 2026
IEM Kraków 2026
BLAST Bounty Winter 2026

Upcoming

Escore Tournament S2: W2
IPSL Spring 2026
Escore Tournament S2: W3
Acropolis #4
BSL 22 Non-Korean Championship
CSLAN 4
Kung Fu Cup 2026 Grand Finals
HSC XXIX
uThermal 2v2 2026 Main Event
RSL Revival: Season 5
IEM Cologne Major 2026
Stake Ranked Episode 2
CS Asia Championships 2026
Asian Champions League 2026
IEM Atlanta 2026
PGL Astana 2026
BLAST Rivals Spring 2026
CCT Season 3 Global Finals
IEM Rio 2026
TLPD

1. ByuN
2. TY
3. Dark
4. Solar
5. Stats
6. Nerchio
7. sOs
8. soO
9. INnoVation
10. Elazer
1. Rain
2. Flash
3. EffOrt
4. Last
5. Bisu
6. Soulkey
7. Mini
8. Sharp
Sidebar Settings...

Advertising | Privacy Policy | Terms Of Use | Contact Us

Original banner artwork: Jim Warren
The contents of this webpage are copyright © 2026 TLnet. All Rights Reserved.