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Last summer my wife and her friends set up a forum-like website where they hang out. I dealt with most of the technical stuff but she got into a little bit of CSS and HTML herself, which got her interested in programming more than before. She told me she wanted to study CS in college but didn't get into because her chem grades were really bad in high school (it's required to solve chemistry questions in university entry exams here, if you want to join an engineering program).
A little later she came across a certificate program on programming given by a respected university here. It takes 1 year with concentrated subjects related to practical coding taught in CS degrees. It's a paid program, not too expensive but not too cheap either, like we can afford it but paying and then not studying would be wasteful of our limited income.
I'm a programmer myself, been working for about 7 years. When I took a look at the syllabus it seemed pretty good, also the university is giving this certification for more than 15 years, it's intended for people without previous experience, and professors seemed to know what they are aiming for very well.
So I told her it's ok if she wants to attend and I would help her too when she has trouble understanding something.
At the very start she was motivated, attended online courses regularly, tried to do assignments by herself only asking when she was really stuck etc. And she seemed to start grasping how to program in Java and Python. It was fun solving something together and seeing her progress.
Then she started neglecting it part by part. First, stopped attending online lessons, telling me she will watch them later because live courses are on bad hours. Then she completely stopped watching lessons and just studied using summarized notes given by the lecturer. They are really short, 3-4 pages of notes covering like 20+ hours of video lectures.
Then she started bugging me for homeworks. They give assignments 3 weeks in advance and she doesn't even take a look at the course material until the last evening of the last day when only a couple hours left to deliver the homework. She wants me to sit by her side and help. It looks like she is doing the homework but in reality she sometimes doesn't even know the basics written in those 3-page notes, or taught in previous lessons. Then I patiently explain everything, even the very basic stuff she supposedly learned months ago, again and again, while doing the homework "together".
What really got my nerves one time is, she told me that it was impossible to do this particular homework based on what was taught in the course. She was telling this solely based on the talks among the students in WhatsApp group chat, without even taking a glimpse at the notes or the assignment. It was on a subject I myself didn't know much about (I never used Linux). I got the notes and the assignment and did it myself, 90% of it was possible only using the information in the notes, remaining took a little bit of googling, then I told her it was indeed possible and she could take a look at the solution if she wanted, but I didn't want her to submit it without understanding.
What's worse is, she pushes me to sit by her on online pass-fail exams and solve questions together. If I refuse she gets really sad and tells me she will just fail if I don't help and will have to pay more for make-up exams and that would be pointless.
If I do, I hate it. I must admit that I think these exams are extra-hard because professors think everyone is cheating online, on the other hand I'm sure there are people in the course honestly trying to learn and not cheating, even if they are a few in number. Plus it really annoys me that she studies for an hour on material taught in months and only then asks me to help.
After the last exam she gave me her word that she would study for the next ones and won't ask my help, and told me she did it because the particular courses at the time were really hard and boring. Fast forward couple months and she has exams again this weekend. She did a single homework, 50% help by me. Didn't do the second one because I didn't want to help. Didn't watch 1 second of video lectures. I'm sure she doesn't even know the face or name of the 2 lecturers.
I guess she thinks I don't want to help because I'm already tired coding all day long but the reality is it annoys me like hell. I'm super helpful when she honestly studies but couldn't solve a problematic thing but this is not it.
And she doesn't quit, which means paying more money for every new chapter. She just wants to somehow complete the program and get the certificate, but what's the point of having a piece of paper without knowing anything on the subject? I work from home, I can help anytime she wants, she has all the free time in the world, when's the better time to learn something if you want to?
I honestly don't want to help her at all unless she really studies hard in the next few days (which she won't because right now she's gaming for hous with her friend). I'd either refuse and it will escalate until I'm "guilty" of something, or I will help her pass and hate it even more.
How can I handle this situation without doing something I hate and not causing any troubles between us? How can I avoid this stress every time a homework or exam is getting near?
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You need to have an honest conversation with her.
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United States996 Posts
i guess first i'd just clarify whatever the need/goal of the certificate was. if its something that she needs en route to something else and won't really need the skills after then, pragmatically, maybe you just continue to help her heavily. it doesn't sound like this was a step en route to something else though.
otherwise i'd basically just say what you said here. i'd add a couple things though - mainly that you express to her that it is ok if she quits. there's probably a couple reasons why it might be hard for her to feel like she can [you can do it and she cant/feel like a failure/waste of money] and when you let her know stopping is ok, you should address each of those in kind and highlight other strengths that she has that you frequently see [at least one of which should be academic just so she doesn't feel deficient academically].
after that, i'd point out [as im sure you have before] that there is no point getting a certificate in CS in she doesn't learn the skills and won't be able to get/hold a job in the area anyways. it's a somewhat obvious point and she likely understands it herself so it might be useful to just pose it as a question to her first and hear her response
to that end, i'd let her know that you wont be helping her until she has watched all the lectures for the week/month whatever and you won't review any of her work until she has a completed a complete first go of it, then you can come in and help her review it and be supportive in that way. importantly, you can also find ways outside of doing her work to still be supportive, so doing stuff like making dinner more often than you would, cleaning whatever, or making trips to the store more often than you would so she can spend time studying would also be helpful.
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Netherlands5185 Posts
When it gets hard, don't give up. It's when you learn the most. She seems to not have trained this pretty essential skill of discipline, pushing through when it seems too difficult. Encourage her like a kid.
Reward her for good behavior. Telling her about the reward can motivate her to try harder (e.g. you cooking or cleaning like Zephyr mentioned). She has fallen behind and instead of putting in the extra work she is running away from it. Tell her straight up she shouldn't be gaming (rewarding herself) until after she's done her assignments. Good luck.
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Netherlands5185 Posts
How can I avoid this stress every time a homework or exam is getting near?
Making a schedule and sticking to it. Treat it like school classes pretty much. You may fine tune the schedule, but u gotta stick to it. In the end that should give the least stress, but stress itself doesn't seem avoidable.
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Netherlands5185 Posts
I somehow believe that it is beneficial that she will finish what she started regardless of if she will use the knowledge acquired actively or not.
On the off-chance that she fails, she will still have had a good mental excersize. And it's okay to fail, much better than not trying at all imho.
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Bisutopia19298 Posts
If she doesn't want to do the work the right and honest way, then she is not passionate enough to be in programming. As a developer, as I am sure with other professions, there is a naturally love and challenge created by coding. If she is not motivated to do it the right way, then she will fail. And that is fine. But you cannot do it for her. All you can do is be supportive by creating a distraction free zone when she wishes to study. If she needs help on an assignment, she should 100% work with a classmate and not you. You will most likely just solve the answer for her, where working with a classmate forces them to talk and understand the task more deeply.
You are an awesome person and husband for your dedication to your wife.She will respect you no matter what and maybe even more if make a firm step back and let her do this on her own. I'd love to hear more about this as you work through the problem and wish you the best of luck.
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You should never do course work for someone else. It's not gonna help them learn the material, but instead they'll fall behind even further as they ignore the materials you did for them. You can give her some hints for the assignments (or even do a similar problem to the assignment for reference) and help her study for exams, but never do it for them.
You can try to motivate her by giving her examples of how what she's learning is used in application or something directly related to her original motivation.
If she fails, then let her fail, she can either take it as a learning experience to try again in a non-online setting so it's easier to get engaged in with her classmates or accept it's just not for her if she's not motivated enough to continue.
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I lecture at university (not in CS) and she sounds like most of my students. So uhh, that doesn't change anything about how it must be for you going through that, torn between letting her learn and being a supportive husband, not sure what I can really offer in that regard.
But I can at least tell you that she's not like, being uniquely lazy or something here. This is all very typical student behaviour tbh
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might want to have a good honest talk to her about this to clear any misunderstanding in case the issue is actually not primarily related to the difficulty or interest in the coursework. i don't presume to know the actual extent of your relationship like it would be amusing if deep down she only took the course because she wants more attention from you.
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im afraid your wife gave in easy and hasn't the will to push thru obstacles from what it sounds like. It can be indredibly hard to do, but at the end of the day it's important SHE manages to overcome the obstacles, SHE has to learn the skills.
Have an honest conversation about it. Make sure it's not something she feels she has to achieve because you already did. It's okay to quit, but if CS programming is a thing she wants to do and she doesn't just need the qualification for something else, it won't help her if basically she isn't learning it.
Or maybe it's a slump. We all have ups and downs in worklife regarding lotivation, learning curve and progress. Perhaps she can accept the slump, take a bit of time off and return to it with inherent motivation, which she lacks currently from what your writing.
In any case, i have the impression your very caring and def. want to see her suceed. You have to realize, ultimatively your not helping her if you always do her assignments.
Hope this helps/ i realize your in a hard spot and i don't wanna sound judgemental!
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i'm not sure this is about programming at all. Maybe its more about your attention rather than her learning to code?
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What needs to happen is that you need to dispel the expectation that you will do her work for her. This isn't just about the course work, because it can very quickly become a pattern in your relationship. Every time you "help" it makes her more helpless, with course work and in life.
If she is using guilt to compel you, that is a serious relationship issue. That is manipulation and not a proper way to behave with your significant other. But it is hard to tell from what you write if that is the case. If so, I am not sure if that is a problem that is easy to remedy.
My advice would be to stop helping altogether and to not feel bad about it. It will probably be uncomfortable, but it seems neccessary both for your relationship and for your own well-being.
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cheating is unacceptable. You cannot allow her to continue her ways. I know it seems odd for a boyfriend to act like a parent towards his girlfriend but I think it would be better to help her by trying to hold her accountable for missing classes and not working hard enough (creating work quota, schedule, etc). Most learning comes from solving problems so she is truly cheating herself out of a proper education.
This is why enforcing good habits maybe initially seems irrational at the outset (eg, "what's so bad about skipping a lecture") but it's important in the long run, because without them most people (including me) lack the self-discipline to prevent themselves from falling apart into a spiral of laziness.
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I agree with Acrofales. She obviously lost motivation, so you need to talk to her about why she's continuing.
We can all make guesses about her motivation, but the point is that neither of you seem to be enjoying this so why continue? If she really wants to continue you can offer to help her catch up by going back to where you think she lost motivation and then work from there, because it sounds like she lost track and now doesn't know what to do. If she doesn't want to put in that work that's fine too, she can just quit.
But apparently the current situation sucks for everyone involved and if I was her I wouldn't feel good about it either.
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your wife lost motivation because you PAY FOR EVERYTHING!!!!! stop. paying. for. her. to. be. a. pig.
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EPT
