EPTI'm too focused on finding love, this has become an obsession.
Being lonely for so long, it consumes you, it gnaw at you everyday, every hour, until you’ve become an entity of a “single” guy.
The more single you are, the more you focus on it, and the less you are likely to find love (if you do it wrong), isn’t it a bit ironic, wouldn’t it be otherwise, the more you put your mind at it, the more you should be likely to find love.
I’ve read about red flags, and about failures for guys in finding a partner, and I’m doing everything wrong.
Right now I’m thinking of women in two categories: the one I have no romantic interest in, and the ones that are attractive to my eyes (most of them). Of course for the latter categories, I always focus right away on the romantic possibility, without even considering friendship, because I’m not good at having friends in the first place, but that’s where I’m wrong, if I can’t even have a friend, how could I find a girlfriend.
I have two choices right now, and I don’t know which path to choose.
I could either stop considering that these girls would be even remotely interested in me, and just befriend them, or act friendly towards them, instead of chasing them.
But I’m asocial, and got social anxiety, so that is very hard to do, also I’m not used to it, so it would be quite a challenge.
OR
I could stop considering that these girls would be even remotely interested in me, and just ignore people, not interact with them, unless they really want to, that is kinda what I’ve been doing so far plus some chasing, so I would just stop the chasing and be a recluse, a social hermit.
Of course everyone is going to tell me to go for the first choice, but they don’t realise how hard it is for me, how stupidly complicated relationships are for me.
I crave attention, touch, love, and mundane discussions, but at the same time I don’t want to put in the work, and I don’t want to initiate. Of course this is going to fail.
I’m the same about my body, I hate my belly fat, I hate it with a passion, I hate other things I can’t change, but my belly fat is one of the worst, because I could change that, but for some reason I refuse to exercise, I can’t bring myself to do it, I try dieting, but it has been some very slow results, with lots of relapses.
I want to stop whining, and be more positive about life, but that is just not happening, not right now.
I don’t know if I should try online dating again, or talking to girls in life, clearly no one is interested, maybe I should then learn my place in society, at the bottom, unwanted.
They talk about social skill, being a skill you can learn, but I have a hard time learning things, I have a hard time learning by practice, I need some kind of easy guide, and in social interaction either it doesn’t exist, or they are already too hard for me to follow (smile, smile at them, say hi, yes even those I can’t do).
I had an ego boost recently, some online friends finally saw my face, and they were saying I could just lost a bit of weight, get a haircut, maybe change my glasses, and with some fitting clothes, I could be approachable.
That is lots of changes, easier said than done.
One told me I even looked attractive, but how come I can’t find a girl interested in me if that’s true.
I think I’m broken beyond repair, I’m too engulfed in the “alone” guy persona, and what started as a “little boost to get to move my ass” has become the opposite and made me completely undateable.
So here I am on a Sunday morning, after being woken up by my house mate having sex, something I’ll probably never have, casual Sunday morning sex, writing how I want to change myself, how I want to reinvent myself, but I’m about to choose the wrong path.
Deep down I’ll still be miserable and lonely, but I can try and suppress the chase urges, hide them inside me.
I never smile, it doesn’t come naturally to me, I’m always trying to focus and be stressed so I have a serious or concern face, and my resting face is, as said by my friends, miserable.
I asked a girl for drinks, she genuinely couldn’t, but she didn’t offer to reschedule, so I guess this isn’t going anywhere, and my time here is dwindling down, only 3 more weeks, with some social events with my co workers, I don’t know if I should go or not.
I know I should, but it would just add to the pain, I genuinely want to isolate myself again, I already know two or three people are going to comment on how I shouldn’t, but I don’t know any better.
I’m too old to learn these things, I ‘m too deep into the hole, I’m a loser, I have to hide my face and intentions and urges, so not to disturb people around me, cause I’m clearly a nuisance.
How to find the right balance between, no social interactions, and forcing yourself to befriend people so as to get more social skills? I don’t think there is a good balance, they are polar opposite.
Also I already know, I’ll think of them being friendly to an opportunity to get more, and I’ll chase again, get crushes, and get infatuated with the girls talking to me, I don’t think I can learn to be only friendly them and not get overwhelmed by attention, I’ve been starved of that for too long, now it’s over, every girl smiling and saying hi to me is entering my heart.
My feelings are a mess.
