EPTI may suffer from avoidant personality disorder.
I am not sure how much I should reveal about this story, as it doesn't only involve my person but also two others persons.
I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I am seeing a therapist and take some pills. But I often stumble across a new disorder and I can check a few symptoms, but those are usually the “common” symptoms, which mean I might surely not be suffering from said disorder.
However, there were some attitudes and reactions I had that I could not explain. Why would I drive people away, online and in the flesh. Why would I hate myself so much, and care so much about people being closer and closer to me rather than just being acquaintances or “simple friend”. Why do I find myself avoiding so much social encounter, with people I don’t even know, or people I have known for a “long” time (whatever that means when you are not “old”). I figured the needs to be alone were just part of me, as a loner/introvert and also link to my depression bits.
But then it started to be too “persistent”. The depression has calmed down and is being treated. It left me with being an introvert/loner.
Then last Friday happened.
I have this teacher who seems young, between 30 and 40 I would say. He is a bit extravagant and quite a character, good degree, lots of experience, lots of energy, a good sense of humour and knowledge well beyond average. Now this teacher is well liked by many because he is always joyful and show lots of respect and friendliness to all, which has caused some trouble in others class, as they treated him a bit lightly and too friendly to his taste. I know about this because I eaves dropped a conversation with him and some students from said class, and it has made me question every encounter and stuff he told us. Lately he has been tired and “angry” more than usual, but because of his general attitude it has been hard to know if he was acting or not, I think he had some personal issues but they seem gone for now.
This year I had this teacher in small group class, which lead to him and I having more contact. I know that he has been closer and closer with others students from my class, how close I don’t really know, but he might have showed up to at least two parties. One more or less organised for all, to which extend I don’t know as I deleted my Facebook account a couple years ago (to drive others further away from myself and also because I read that it doesn’t help with depression and such). And another party, which seemed more private this time.
Last Friday I had class with this teacher and first thing he told me, is that he wants to speak to me about something. He wanted to invite me to a small gathering, with him and a few others students. At first I thought about a group of students, who appear together and are all quite friend with this teacher. The thing is, I am asocial. I do not even know the name of all the students, and I have talked to only a handful of them. He told me that he suggested me to this girl for the gathering and that she said she was curious about me. This triggered “everything”. I got some information, and turns out this is not a “usual” party that they are used to host, this is way more private, I am talking a total of 5 persons, including myself. That’s when I started being way more nervous and nervous, not only I had no real idea of where this girl was living, no real idea how I could go to this place, how I was going back, how much I should tell my parents, because the thing with my parents is that they tend to worry a lot and are quite head or tail about their reactions. Like what are they going to think if I say I go to a person’s house, and I barely know this person. What are they going to think if I say that a teacher is going to be here, What are they going to think if I say I go to a girl house. Those worries are kinda trivial to most people, but I could not let them go. And then I had more important worries, all centred around one question:
Why me?
Why would a girl I talk to once, for like 5 minutes, a girl I have never talk too, someone I can’t even put a face on the name, and a teacher I have never really talk to, would pick me? And it triggers some anxiety, I don’t really talk, I don’t live, I don’t experience lots of stuff, I am not smart, I don’t have culture or peculiar taste about anything, I don’t bring drugs, I am not physically fit right now, I don’t bring anything to the table. So…
Why me?
And also, would I be up to the “task”?
It seemed to me that this would be a disastrous event, me 4 person I don’t know about, that don’t know about me and all expecting me to be some kind of interesting/smart guy, no no no, that would be a disaster. I told the teacher (because in this situation I don’t even have the infos of the girl whose house I am supposed to show up less than 24 hours later) that I am not being able to attend the party, that I am sorry I told him otherwise, and that I have no secret life to hide, the blank personality I show in class is the same as my private personality. And I go to bed with this awkward situation, I got no idea what is the teacher going to think what he is going to tell that girl, I got no informations about anything. This teacher is going to grade one piece of work, but it will be anonymous, and I am not going to see this girl before a month, then I will likely not have the teacher until next year, and this girl is not going to be in my class, so things should be fine.
I woke up this morning, and the teacher sent me a mail, which sounded like he ignored my previous anxious/crazy mail. It seems that this girl is not going to be here, so the whole thing is cancelled.
Well that would close everything wouldn’t it?
NO!
Now I wonder if he has acknowledged my previous mail, what he thinks of me, what this girl has been told, if she is really not here or if they are trying to just push me away, has she cancelled because of something I said, or anything, loads of questions.
But let’s shift the focus back on the main subject, avoidant personality disorder.
I simply google “why do I need to drive people away” and stumble across this disorder I had no idea existed. This time all the symptoms fit, not just a couple. I did two stupid tests and scored really high on both, but I know better, I know I need to talk about it with my therapist. Of course time is being weird, I just saw my therapist three days ago, so I am not going to see him again before a month if not more.
The disorder would explain a lots of my past attitudes, and present ones. It doesn’t seem to be a real cure to the disorder beside some kind of “simple” “get out of your comfort zone”, I read about some medication as well, but I am really doubtful of those.
Let’s conclude this blog, in a done and overdone fashion, by putting back the first line I opened with.
I may suffer from avoidant personality disorder.
