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England2663 Posts
Hello all. I wrote a thing because I felt compelled to and I'm now posting it because I feel I have to. I'm not looking for criticism or anything. If it's bollocks then it is what it is. I just had to put it into words and put it somewhere. It is a very rare example of a genuine, emotional anything from me. I've never talked about it without anyone bar my mother back in 2004.
Cheers.
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Growing up I had one insecurity. I first found it around fourteen after I made a decision which I now look back on as the only regret of my life. However, as my life now would likely not be the same without that decision, I have accepted it. An insecurity however, is harder to accept and almost impossible to disparage. It is just that: an uncertainty that one just cannot quell. For me, this was a lack of belief that people genuinely liked me. This didn't affect me in the sense that I believed I wasn't liked by anyone, or that in passing moments I believed strangers didn't like me, but it was that I couldn't believe that those that were my friends truly liked me. I can't tell you why this was; I think they couldn't live up to the standards that I thought friends should, those brought upon by comparisons to fictional friendships. This feeling niggled away at me until I at once became convinced that even the closest people to me weren't really that close.
The regret, rather fittingly, was pushing a friend away and the reason for doing so was foolish. The regret sits with me because the person I am all these years later would not have made that mistake.
The insecurity stuck with me for years and remains to be the cause of one of the other reasons I've ever seriously felt defeated and sad. A tear filled conversation with my mother can attest to this.
Over time I found a better world for myself and a better frame of mind. The doubt about my friends still clung to me, but I found ways of shutting it out. The main way was to develop a trust in others that I previously did not possess. This was partially due to having untrusting parents growing up and also due to a, perhaps, unhealthy opinion on others – that they weren't privy to insights I imagined I had obtained through intellect and an endless justification of actions that I perceived to be non-standard. As I grew and understood that I am in no way innately better than anyone else, I conveniently made new friends, many as strong as, or stronger, those I'd possessed in my childhood. It was in these people that I realised that, if I can't believe that they like me, then I can trust them when they show my that they do. From this trust in others, I can set my insecurity aside.
I have not tackled this problem and it still persists. Occasionally I mess up and upset those I care about and it trickles back: this feeling of falseness that attacks me. No amount of logic can convince me otherwise. I know that it is unlikely that everyone I know is deceiving me. I don't have low self-esteem and I understand well why someone would and wouldn't be friends with me. If I am complimented, I accept it and I trust the person. However, the feeling ultimately returns. One minor slip up, one time being reprimanded or being told that what I thought were innocent actions were in fact hurtful and it is once again on my mind.
This is my problem. Any time this happens I am convinced that this is it: that that friendship is dust and all my fears were true. This is why I feel grief when it happens and why I wait desperately to know it it will be ok, that you understand that my apology is heartfelt and that I would never want to lose you, hurt you or see you hurt. But I can't rush you, I can only wait and hope that my insecurity is just that.
I just don't want to lose anyone else.
 
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TLADT24920 Posts
hmm I think I understand what you are saying. I believe I may have had similar thoughts years ago about a group of friends I had. It's like you have stated, while comparing your friends to fictional friends was only done to get an idea of what to expect, reality works a lot differently than in fiction.
Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with it and feel that not all friends are equal. Mostly, it depends on what you want from a friend. Are you looking for someone who genuinely cares about you, aka, a true friend or someone who is still called a friend but you guys only met up to catch up once in a blue moon? True friends are hard to find.
Also, as mentioned, trust is important to every relationship and if the friendship lacks it, it's understandable that you have your doubts even if you believe that they are silly. Anyways, starting to get rambly lol. My advice is to keep in mind that it's impossible to tell if someone is a friend or not. I always say, give them the benefit of the doubt so whenever you have your thoughts, remember that line. Of course, if they keep doing things that you feel that friends shouldn't do, maybe re-evaluate the kind of friend they are or at least just talk to them about it. Hope that made sense 
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On November 04 2016 06:56 Flicky wrote:
This is my problem. Any time this happens I am convinced that this is it: that that friendship is dust and all my fears were true. This is why I feel grief when it happens and why I wait desperately to know it it will be ok, that you understand that my apology is heartfelt and that I would never want to lose you, hurt you or see you hurt. But I can't rush you, I can only wait and hope that my insecurity is just that.
I just don't want to lose anyone else.
What did you do to figure you have to apologize in the first place, was it something really bad? If so, nvm, I don't want you to get caught because of my curiosity, unless you think you're ready to do the time.
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the business application software i make constantly receives effusive praise and hyperbolic criticism. Usually both extremes are motivated by the speaker's political agenda and not my software's quality. This used to bother me when i was a teenager still living with my mom. When I was 19, I moved out and got my own place... started cleaning my own bathroom ... and paying rent. At this point, people's opinion's of me mattered far less. My "personal image" was very important to me as a teenager. Now i just find quality people i have fun with and hang out with them. I don't much care what my "personal image" is. Complete independence from my family really did wonders for me.
On November 04 2016 06:56 Flicky wrote: If I am complimented, I accept it and I trust the person. However, the feeling ultimately returns. One minor slip up, one time being reprimanded or being told that what I thought were innocent actions were in fact hurtful and it is once again on my mind.
This is my problem. Any time this happens I am convinced that this is it: that that friendship is dust and all my fears were true.
you need to learn to trust yourself before you can learn to trust others. self-trust is a self esteem issue. i recommend raising your self esteem. this is hard work and requires dealing with a lot of psycho-babble BS. i'll give you one guideline regarding self esteem..
"self esteem is the reputation you acquire with yourself".
i recommend the following simple , action oriented approach to raising your self esteem.
https://www.amazon.ca/Raise-Your-Self-Esteem-Action-Oriented-Self-Confidence/dp/0553266462
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I honour the fact that you have shared this and are willing to go throught with it.
To do so it takes courage, self-respect, and willing to let go of all your fears. Which you have.
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I think the most important thing I ever achieved in life is that I learned to distinguish between friends and "people I have to socialize with". I see this thing lacking in a lot of people around me and it has crucial consequences on the quality of life of a person.
It's not that I'm smart, I was just so lucky. I had amazing friends in school and they taught me what that means. Which made it a lot easier later when I changed social circles .
For me, some of these things have worked extremely well :
I never called anyone a friend before they proved themselves to me through facts. Usually life gives you enough situations where you need somebody to help you. Who is there when I need them ? I have had people in my social circles for more than 5 years that I didn't call friends because they never proved that with facts If the situation to test someone did not come naturally I created a situation to determine the relationship status.Just so I know where I stand.
I am not sure from your text what is it, that you expect from your friends but all I expect is for them to try their best when I need them to, according to their skill set.
There are a few other criteria that I use, but these ones are usually enough to thin the crowd enough to look at each person and judge them as a particular case.
I don't know if this helps or not but my intent was to give you some practical support.
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getting out of your own head and into the real world is tough. tfw you know what to do but you don't do it. you know you're messing with yourself but you continue to ruminate. etc...
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Friendship is not dust, and acknowledging a problem like this is a huge step in moving away from it. I've felt a similar way before, and though it was just a passing feeling for me, I think that maybe this might be of help. Every time you're with a friend don't ask yourself do they like me, ask yourself is they're smiling. Then ask yourself is you're smiling. The answer will almost always be yes between two friends*. Live in the moment with your friends if you can, and the moment you have to feel like you need to question their motives is the moment when you're either over thinking their presence or they aren't actually your friends.
*I am intentionally excluding mental health issues etc. here because I think that if you really take a second to look around and not question why people are around you but question whether or not they're happy being around you, you can actually realize you shouldn't have that insecurity.
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Good to share <3
Life is grim without a smile.. one only trully smiles only to friends, it is not that one does not smile at any other point, but a smile can only truly exist if it is witnessed by a friend.. even further your own smile only ever exists if you see it in their eyes 
Our genetics make most of us "social mammals".. some of us are randomly awesome at this particular skillset (rhetoric / conversationalism) and we humbly candidly try to get those randomly on the other side of the spectrum like you to join us.
Find more people like us, and one day, through your hardship .. you will be what you want to be .. one of us!
More:+ Show Spoiler +This always reminds me of the hole story  A guy falls into a hole, he curses and cries trying to find a way out.. after trying his honest all he falls to the floor cursing what he genuinely feels is his deserved fate. Along comes a dude he doesn't know, the guy cries out to him for help. Dude leans down carefully screen-saving the terrain leading to the weeping unknown and grumbles then says "Hey guy, back up".. the guy backs up startled as the dude jumps in with a simian jump. "F ck my life" says the guy "you must be dumb as a .. why did you jump in?.. now we are both doomed!" Dude paternally smirks and retorts softly yet inquisitively "Hey you asked for my help" "Oh come on dude.. you could have sent me a rope.. you could have ran to find help.. now you're useless and doomed as i am" Dude abides and waits for the obviously distraught guy to calm down and then hands out his hand in friendship "Yeah i know.. i could have done all that.. but you needed help now.. and i've fell down here before.." "i know the way out" ps: trust is like faith, good luck
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EPT
