In hindsight, it feels so simple. For years you feel like shit and behave accordingly, your self-esteem drags through rock bottom just to drop in another abyss ever so often, and motivation seems like a miracle from a fairy tale… and then you see a hot ass accompanied with the fittingly perfect huge tits and it’s like a switch is being triggered. Surprisingly enough, this profane statement perfectly describes what happened. Honestly, the first thing that came to my mind when seeing her was that her face looked just what I imagine witches looked like in those Grimm tales. Funnily enough, just because she actually talked to me I happened to take a better look at her. That moment I decided that living in a self-imposed misery was pointless.
I do want to do more than just meet girls with those kinds of bodies. For two years, I did not make any attempt to do as little as even talk to girls. Feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness were consciously amplified by me locking in myself in front of my pc and stuffing myself with junk food.
A nice ass and a pair of big tits… this is all it took for me to decide that I want to change my lifestyle. Thinking about it, I still do not understand why she triggered this change in me. She certainly wasn’t the first girl I met with such a body. The fact that I associated her looks with a witch certainly was not an argument for it either. But it somehow happened. I just decided that I need to discard my vices and focus on finding a girl (or girlS; really didn’t matter to me) like that.
The first thing that always came to my mind when thinking about what I shall fix was the fact that I smoked.
Honestly, FUCK them. This shit should not be legal. I used to have a very liberal attitude on really any kind of drugs. Ever since I became addicted to that shit, I completely changed my point of view. Having experienced all the shit that comes along with being a smoker, I started doubting the possibility and feasibility of handling pretty much any drug safely. Getting short on breath when you are wanking (never mind walking up the stairs) is pretty fucked up. Having tried to quit cigarettes a couple dozen of times, just to restart again somewhere between a few hours and a few days later is a fucking bitch. Truth be told, I realized that a bit before meeting her. When we met, I had not smoked cigarettes for 6 weeks. As a matter of fact, one drunken night she ended up being the reason why I smoked another 6 cigarettes. However, she was also the reason why I decided that I cannot possibly continue with that shit. It has been two and a half months since my last cigarette (+ the 6 weeks before we met). Getting rid of those fucking sticks of death yielded the first positive results in a matter of days: The coughing that happened every morning accompanied with the gross shit that came out of me was gone after a week or so. The absurd shortness of breath that went along was gone after a few weeks. That was all before I met her, but (as profanely as it may sound) her tits were the reason why I decided to stick with it.
Here I should mention that the most important thing that helped me stay away from the death sticks was e-cigarettes. You may have heard that they are dangerous as well (or any similar variation).
SCREW THAT SHIT!
If there are any health effects from e-cigarettes, their impact is several orders of magnitude lower than that of normal cigarettes. The worst thing that they offer is the nicotine. One should not underestimate the negative effects of a neurotoxin such as nicotine. It is a shit substance that certainly does not belong in your body. However, with e-cigarettes one is “missing out” on the other several dozen carcinogenic and toxic substances that normal cigarettes “offer”. From personal experience, I can assure you that switching to e-cigarettes yields very noticeable health benefits in a matter of weeks. When I made the switch, I went with the highest possible nicotine concentration available. Still, the nicotine intake of those equaled ~6 normal cigarettes. After I met her, I decided that I need to go down further. Currently, I am at one third the nicotine concentration. Compared to the 15-30 death sticks I used to smoked, that is nothing.
Unfortunately, this was not enough… Meeting her made me think about any other health hazards I used to consume. The next worst thing I noticed was alcohol…
In retrospect, one must be a moron not to realize that alcohol fucks you up badly. I guess, when one is using it to escape the dark reality, one may consider alcohol a pleasant and helpful substance. However, there is a dark side to that dear friend… Meeting her made me realize that I need to cut down on that substance. Go figure, my health improved. -.- For the past two years, I used to drink at least 5 days a week. 2 of those days would be getting smashed. I feel stupid for not realizing any earlier that I had an alcohol problem. 2 weeks after I stopped drinking, I noticed that my daily nosebleeds went away... (I used to be a moron -.-). I do not feel like going into details about the other health benefits the alc reduction yielded, but let me tell you: I feel both mentally and physically so much better than before. I must admit that I did not completely quit alcohol. I still hope that I may be able to find a balance somewhere between being an alcoholic and not being a buzzkill on parties. Maybe someday, I will realize that I do not need to poison myself with this “friend” anymore. So far, I have managed to cut my alcohol consumption to once a week (and not getting completely smashed that one night).
But my substance abuse was not the only thing I ended up changing after seeing that ass. I have always been unhappy with my weight. While people may have been fooled even in my worst days and tell me that I don’t look fat, I have always known how I look when that shirt comes off… So I decided to lose some weight. Since the beginning of the year I have lost 10kg or pretty much 10% of my weight. I am currently so deep in the double digits (<100kg) that I feel like a new person. I have not been anywhere close to this weight in the past 6 years. And honestly, I do not feel like stopping. Now I just want to increase my muscles mass, while losing weight. Thank you, tits, for giving me the push I needed!
She is from another country. Considering her (or at least her body) the reason why I changed so much made me completely neglect the fact that I thought that I perceived her looking like a witch. I decided to invite her to my place. Let’s be honest here. Of course, I wanted to sleep with her. In my mind, this was the body I would be chasing after my whole life. On the other hand, I realized that she most likely does not feel attracted to me (even though I lost a ton of weight). I also did not intend to be pushy in any way, because of how uncomfortable it would be if she would was not interested but ended up being stuck here with me. I invited her, she accepted to come. And I decided that I will leave her alone and only touch her if she jumps onto me. I may think that she has the body of a goddess but my actions were dictated by me not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable rather than listening to my dick. Additionally, sleeping with her was an off-chance perk. The main reason I NEEDED her to come here is because I needed the incentive to stay away from alc (fucking drugs).
And so it happened. She came. I was absolutely passive and just tried to be a nice host and show her anything worthwhile around here. But there was a tiny thing, I had not planned for… The fact that she may be a little, unappreciative, fucked up bitch… For some reason, I did not expect that my every statement will be met by a negative reaction, my every offer will be met with hostility, and my every suggestion with a “I don’t fucking care”. I can only imagine why she was such a bitch here, but I will assume that it was because she was on amphetamine withdrawal (she was on an Adderall prescription in Canada, but couldn’t get any amphetamines in Europe after she had used up her stash). So I was stuck with a Canadian chick that was off the amphetamines she took for two years for two weeks…
She also complained that I was acting like she was stupid… I certainly did not mean to make her uncomfortable. In retrospect, I should have not talked to her the same way I do with my guy friends, but honestly the Canadian education seems to be absurdly bad. I can fully understand the fact that she would not know ANYTHING about European history or geography, but the fact that my English vocabulary was vastly superior to hers was pretty strange (who the fuck does not know the word “ruins”). Never mind the fact that she thought that the fucking road lines were half a feet long…
I did not get laid there… Ultimately, her visit was but a checkpoint in my journey to becoming a human being. I do intend to get in a better shape, never touch cigarettes again, and keep my distance from alcohol. For me this year, has been until now faaaar better than the previous two, and I want and intend to give my best to keep it that way.
For honesty’s sake, I need to mention that I have far from resolved all my problems. I am very far away from the version of myself that I would like to be. However, I have taken the first steps towards improving myself. More importantly, I have the mindset to stick with this and get my life on track.