EPTI've never written one of these before, so pardon the awkwardness as it does feel a bit weird. Lately I've become really salty and frustrated about many things, from the politics of esports, to personal failures/shortcomings, or even just "that one random thing that really set me off that day". I could probably write a hundred blogs about the many experiences I've had since entering this crazy world of "esports", and for better or for worse I'd redo everything all over again. The bad things like Z33kTV, the veralynn drama, losing the "Day 9: Think you can Cast?" contest, and the good things like making BaseTradeTV, meeting Zombiegrub, flying around the country, they all make up who I am now, and I embrace all of them. However, there's been a lot of shit along the way too. Some of you know about what I'm about to talk about, but many of you have only heard joking references to it on stream, my "When I finally quit SC2" folder. On my journey through Starcraft, I've had some bad experiences-
Scratch that, I've experienced some really terrible things*
-and I always made sure to document them, so as not to forget when something or someone did a bad thing, and to not let it effect to me in the future. At some point though, especially when we were smaller and growing, bad things started happening to me as well. Interactions with not-to-be-named organizations, and often times with players. I'm going to post a screenshot, and only one, and I'll explain why a little bit later. This is from when Zombiegrub and I got to stream on the official WCS Channel back in 2013 for the first time. I thought it was a pretty awesome bench mark in our "casting career" and would gain me some respect, however I very quickly learned that wasn't going to be the case:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/sIRqT9T.png)
This is probably the most tame thing I could find and censor without revealing who was saying it, but trust when I say there's been far worse. The worst part about not being from a team/major organization, an ex-pro, or a popular personality, coming into all this was how badly I was often treated. I'd not get invited to games, I'd often times be ignored for simple requests, and in some cases I wasn't even allowed to cast matches at all. It was a real struggle getting to the point where I could even get players or admins to respond to me, so when I got shit, I'd make sure to document it. My "When I finally quit SC2" folder contained hundreds of files, mostly photos and screenshots, but some audio recordings and such of just terrible things. Remember in that first season of WCS when over half of the players from Europe couldn't sign up due to ESL/Admins messing up the brackets? It was horrible watching them all circle jerk each other for their good job, then continue to make fun of players for "not having enough APM to sign up in time". This was documented.
Teams extorting sponsors for additional money? This was documented.
Players harassing me on a personal level or for my casting? This was documented.
Organizations being shady as fuck? This was documented.
All of this stuff, for years, I've just been building up in this one tiny folder that I was planning to just publicize the day I left starcraft, my way of calling down the thunder with a nuclear launch and getting a final laugh. I didn't really consider dedicating so much of my life to SC2 at any point, and over time just didn't think about it much, but now that I have I realize I can't afford to release any of this stuff. It'd hurt my friends, cause drama, and definitely blacklist me from any future involvement due to whistleblower status. Frustrating is the realm of politics.
Many of you would probably ask that I share most of what I have, and if you get me drunk at an event and are gullible enough to believe the words that slurr out of my mouth, you might one day learn some of these dirty secrets (some of you already have). But I can't do that. The reason I am only posting this one screenshot is because tonight I deleted this folder full of everyone's ugly history and it's all that's left.The more I obsess and think about the past, and how disgusted I was with most, the more salty I become every single day.
I often times just get written off as some angry nerd, a reddit troll, a goofball, an idiot, a friend zoned loser etc, but the reason I don't let any of that get to me is because I don't do what I do for the admiration. I do this because I want to, I enjoy it, I get to live out my dream of travelling away from my little farm town and I get to make many friends while doing it. I feel all this bullshit that has been piling up on my desktop for years has just been weighing me down and making me an angrier, very salty, person more than it needs to.
I'm hoping I can move forward with a more positive attitude, and I really want to enter 2016 not being angry and upset with everyone else. I've lost a lot of my motivation in recent months, despite the dedication you see the to constant broadcasting, and I don't want anything else holding me back. We have such cool goals for next year and I want to hit them all. Anyways, thanks for reading my cool story, bro. It probably had nothing to do with you, but hopefully it was at least interesting.
Oh, and about the person in the screenshot, I gain nothing from exposing who they are, and I don't feel the need to ruin anyone's opinion of their favourite player, so don't bother guessing because I won't be confirming who it is and you're probably wrong.
but dont delete it 
