Diablo 2 Lord Of Destruction Battle Report 16

With my potions fully restocked and Hulk melted, Emilio and I now needed to navigate our way through the River of Flame. Unfortunately the narrow pathways and bridges proved to be a problem for me to pass through. Being so muscular (and handsome), it was quite difficult to squeeze through such small spaces when I kept getting surrounded by DEMONS!!!




“There’s too many!” I shouted to Emilio. Even Emilio couldn’t handle them fast enough and I had to resort to using him as a human shield decoy (again) so I could make my daring escape. It was the manliest escape one could have pulled! Luckily the demons knew not to mess with Emilio, so he usually ended up living through all my attempts to throw him under the bus.

I ended up getting trapped far too often here, but I always managed to find a way out! Those fire-breathing monsters had nothing on me and my 0 fire resistance!



Hop! Hop like the wind!

I finally managed to meet another friendly face, and knew I was heading in the right direction. I high-fived Hadriel on my way past and he was all like, “Beware, dawg, is dangerous yo!” Lousy angel obviously had no idea that he was talking to the most capable team of monster hunters in Sanctuary. Emilio exchanged pleasantries as well via his preferred method of communication, by nodding, before he passed as well.



“Over there!” I pointed out to Emilio. “Is DEMONS!” Emilio sprung into action and I ran past. My plan worked, and I made it out with minor scratches.



“Ahhhhhh! Save me Emilio!” Emilio was too busy sticking his pole into demons to be of help though. I was over here dying, and all Emilio could think about was getting his pole wet… with blood!!! I was on my own for now, but I managed to find a spot of relative safety where only 5 demons could breathe fire on me at once...



Through trickery and bribery, I managed to make it out of there alive with very little health left before Emilio returned from Disneyland to save me.



Eventually we managed to make it to the front of the Chaos Sanctuary, where some house guards rushed up and assaulted us.



They pushed us all the way back to the 10 yard line and I realized that Emilio and I had nowhere else to back up to. Emilio made a last stand using his ‘human decoy’ ability, which gave me just enough time to open a portal and escape back to town before dying.




“Emilio, they’ve backed us into the corner and surrounded us!”

Emilio looked back and me and laughed. I’ve never seen him laugh before. “We’ve got them right where we want them!” He yelled.

Emilio was starting to scare me. But that was nothing out of the ordinary. Emilio scared me on a regular basis, and I wasn’t about to let him get to me. Emilio may have wanted to obliterate everything in the general vicinity, but I had other plans. I stockpiled up on potions and ran back through the portal.



“Charge!!!” I yelled, and I ran and jumped through anything and everything blocking the doorway to the chaos sanctuary. Emilio followed, regretfully. He knew I was the leader here, and he knew that he owed me for reviving him countless times. As disappointed as he was that I had disregarded his plan of action in favor of mine, Emilio’s greatest trait was loyalty, and with that he would defend me to the death. It’s what I’ve come to cherish most about Emilio above all - his undying sense of loyalty.



“I’m stuck! Emilio!!!”

Emilio was in the back, hacking through demons instead of saving my ass. That ungrateful disloyal slave! I knew I should have purchased Waheed when I had the chance instead! I barely managed to make it out of there alive.


Oh shit!

I made my way through the sanctuary, running for my life. Everything was out to get me! Emilio has abandoned me in my greatest time of need and was nowhere to be found.



I finally made my way to the center for a quick breather.



Emilio caught up after a bit and apologized for his past behavior.

“You’ve been a good slave,” I told him. “The best I’ve ever had. I accept your apology. Let’s just try to be on the same page next time.”

Emilio nodded in agreement.

“How about we only try to fight one or two enemies at a time in here now?” Emilio agreed, and immediately ran off and brought a dozen demons to the center.

“Emilio! Noo!” I said, but it was too late. Emilio, in his arrogance, attacked more enemies than he was able to actually kill at once. The smell of blood being spilt brought even more demons to the yard, and I had to run for my own safety.




“Emilio!!!” I yelled as I ran around the arena. Blood was being spilt, and it was my blood. This was not good. I couldn’t backtrack to safety because the enemies weren’t dead! I could only hope to run around long enough for Emilio to finish off every single demon chasing me.

Suddenly an undead magician casted a slowing spell on me, and I couldn’t run nearly fast enough anymore.



“Argh! I’m hit!” I continued running, hoping to find some realm of safety. I drank a healing potion and ran another lap before I was hit with another slowing spell. Demons continued to slowly surround me.



“NonononoNONONONONNO!!! They’re coming from the other side!!! They’re going to surround me!”



An oblivion knight stuck his sword into me, and I stopped in my tracks, unable to move for a brief second. That was all they needed.



My seconds were numbered. Emilio’s life-link to me was fading, and I knew this would be the last time I’d ever speak to him. In my dying breath, I managed to open a portal for Emilio to escape before calling out his name one last time.

“Emiliooooooo!!!”



And so ends this tragic tale of Diablo 2’s greatest hero and his partner. Most of the world may never know of their sacrifices, but just the mention of these brave warriors will continue to strike fear into demons throughout all of Sanctuary. Their adventures and contributions will not be forgotten for ages to come, and humanity was blessed to have these two heroes on their side, fighting to make a difference for those who couldn’t, because they were too lazy to do so.