Diablo 2 Lord Of Destruction Battle Report 14

I was quite disappointed that, upon entering through the portal, I was not immediately surrounded by hookers. Neither did I see any blackjack tables. Instead, only Cain and Tyrael stood there to greet Emilio and me.



“Cain!” I yelled at him. “How’d you get here before us!”

“Stay a while and listen!” Mr. Cain replied, and identified some of my items. By this point, Emilio and I were both quite confused. He even beat us to Kurast somehow! Crazy old coot… He gave me some candy when I left and urged me to call more often. As if!

In any case, I took my mind off by going on a shopping spree. Unfortunately there was only so much that I could buy. Potions, scrolls, and weapons for Emilio was about it, but I did manage to find an improvement to Emilio’s current stick.



“Make good use of this, Emilio.” I told him. He nodded, and assured me that he would only use his pole to slay enemies and please women. I approved, and we headed down the steps separating the fortress of light from EVIL!!!



I turned to Emilio. “Don't fall!” I yelled at him. Emilio nodded, and we descended into the unknown.



As Emilio and I took more steps into the darkness, we were immediately attacked and surrounded by demons. Oh they were awful. The fire breathing ones with large swords and wings were especially dangerous. I told Emilio to watch out for them. There were demons that ate corpses and threw up on you too! I told Emilio to watch out for those demons as well. They were quite dangerous! Then there were demon mothers that gave birth to their children by regurgitating them! Every time I witnessed this action I was sure it would be my last. I told Emilio to watch out for those ones, as they were super dangerous!


“Run Emilio! Don’t stop to fight!”

I didn’t want to stay here and longer than I had too. I ran as quickly as I could through the monsters until I finally found what I was looking for.



“Ah yes, here it is. I’ve been looking for this combat shrine. I now feel ready to turn around and fight this demon chasing me now!”

As I debated actually doing that, Emilio caught up and stabbed the demon a few times, saving it from an even worse ‘death from many punches’ that I had planned on giving it. Lucky demon.

Oh, and I also ran into the Plains of Despair afterwards.



“This place is aptly named,” I thought, as I was despairing the whole time that I ran through it, wishing to get to the next area and find the River of Flame without much trouble.

“I am despairing right now,” I told Emilio. Emilio nodded.

I ended up running into Izual along the way. I hadn’t actually planned on fighting the fallen angel, but I decided that I’d let Emilio have a little fun.



Emilio caught up and started attacking some of the lesser demons first.



Unfortunately, more joined the party, and Emilio was slaughtered before having much fun at all.



“Damn!” I said. “I’ve run out of fingers to count Emilio’s deaths with!” I opened up a portal and revived Emilio from Tyrael, who refused to offer any help for dealing with traiter comrade Izual. Typical Tyrael, being completely useless.



“Ok,” I turned to Emilio. “Revived, refreshed, and ready to go, right?” Emilio nodded.

As soon as we went back into the frey, Emilio rushed blindly at his killers and got immediately slaughtered again as I stood by and watched.



This went on for a few more cycles until finally Emilio had managed to clear out everyone but Izual himself, which Emilio and I took turns wailing on.





Izzy didn’t stand a chance without his backup demon bodyguards. I delivered the final blow and the fallen angel fell… and molted.




A soul appeared out of that ugly husk of a body, and told me he’d give me the answer to life’s greatest question before he left.

“42,” he said. And he disappeared just as quickly.

“CURSES!!!” I yelled. Emilio nodded. We were in Hell.