Diablo 2 Lord Of Destruction Battle Report 2

After a long day of Annor dying multiple times to the wicked Rakanishu and being revived by black-magic lady Kaysha, I decided I had had enough. Rakanishu stared at me intensely as I exited my safety town-portal, which for some reason none of the monsters dared go into, and rushed straight for Annor.

“NOOO!” I cried, as I lunged at him. Annor took some cuts from his sword, but I managed to pull him off of her and knock him flat with some swift justice! This devilish bastard has slain too many Annors to be kept alive any longer.

Look at those nice rares that I can equi...oh, wait...nvm. Look at those nice potions!

Annor looked at me with her sweet, sexy eyes.

“Don’t ever leave me,” she cried.

“I won’t let anything happen to you,” I replied as I headed back to town and traded her for Meghan (with an “h”).

Wow! A level 4 merc!

Though we had a history together, I’ll never forget Annor. She had that kind of quality to her that you don’t see very often: low health, dies easily, pyromaniac. If I hadn’t ditched her for strong, cold-blooded Russian powerhouse Meghan, I don’t think I’d still be alive to give this battle report. With my newly acquired apprentice, I set off through the cave system connecting stony field and dark wood.

Seen in this shot, Meghan had just taken some steroids a few seconds earlier.

After killing many demons and members of the underworld, we reached the end of the cave. Meghan stood by, keeping monsters at bay as I posed for this screenshot.

Why is my shadow pointing in the wrong direction from that torch beside me?

We exited the cave into the dark wood and, while running around like a madman, I was suddenly ambushed by a gang of hairy primates.

I managed to escape this vicious attack just barely by tripping Meghan so the apes would charge at her instead of me! “Such brilliant strategy!” I thought as Meghan was crushed by the blows while I escaped unscathed.

You can see just how close I was to dying in this screenshot. Meghan, unfortunately did not survive the encounter.

Upon reviving Meghan to serve as one of my undead immortal minions, I went back through that portal and took care of business. I killed those damn dirty apes, drank some of their blood as nourishment, and ran back to the stony field to call down the thunder.


My adventure to Tristram did not go exactly according to plan though. My plan to rescue Deckard Cain and get out was thwarted by undead communist Griswold, donning his classic red jumpsuit to show everyone his communist pride.


“EVIL!!!” I yell, and immediately command Meghan to fire upon Griswold. He summons his army of carvers and skeletons to annoy me. Meghan nearly goes down from Griswold’s mighty “Socialism Punch,” but I manage to pull away before she falls under his spell. Several arrows later, and Griswold the undead communist falls...dead?...defeated...yes, that’s it...defeated. I released Deckard Cain, who promptly used the scroll of town portal he was holding onto for a rainy day and walked back into town.

With Cain safe, I found out from Charsi that someone had stolen her hammer.

“Sure, I’ll get that for you,” I foolishly promised.

I passed through the black marsh and into the tamoe highlands on my way to this “Mr. Smith” fellow who had taken Charsi’s hammer. Couldn’t be too hard, right?

Thank god I used that resist fire shrine to protect from unexpected lava demons!

After an eternity of running through endless flatlands with boobytraps hidden under the rocks, I found the entrance to the monastery and swung open its doors. Whispers came from the demons inside.

“Oh shit, it’s Meghan! Hide!”

Meghan busted through, GUNS BLAZING and started spraying arrows everywhere, often shooting offscreen in the chance that her arrows might travel into some poor unsuspecting devilkin. Yetis flooded the interior, and were promptly extinctified by her as I took the heavy hits using my large bank of health.

Not soon after, we ran into Mr. Smith, who was not a very happy man. I think the horns growing out of his head and his blue skin made him self-conscious. He took some swings at Meghan while I utilized a famous French strategy known to many: the act of retreating.

I’m not so sure my bones would make very good weapons, Mr. Smith.

Meghan died pretty quickly from a couple of swings and I teleported back to town to refill my entire inventory with health potions. I decided I would grant life to Meghan again, being the generous (and handsome) man that I am, and enlisted in Kaysha’s Basic Diabolic Services of Magic (BDSM) to bring her back. With Meghan refreshed and ready to go, I stepped back through my portal and started kicking Mr. Smith’s ass.

You can see me here being manly and tanking with no armor.

Meghan started taking potshots from afar, and as I looked away to take a swig of apple-juice brandy, I noticed that Mr. Smith had knocked her flat.

“Nooooooo!” I cried as I started swinging wildly at Mr. Smith. He obviously couldn’t stand up to my superior muscular physique, because he fell quite quickly afterwards.

Here I delivery the finishing blow to Mr. Smith. He’ll never make it to Washington now.

After stealing Charsi’s hammer back and giving it to her, I decide to make it up to Meghan for all the times I’ve gotten her killed. After all, who wouldn’t be upset about dying? I can’t risk a mutiny, especially from strong, cold-blooded Russian powerhouse Meghan. I enlist Charsi to forge me, “only the finest longbow in all of Rogue Encampment Act 1!”

“Sure thing,” she says, and hands me back this garbage.

I hope Meghan makes good use of that +1 to mana after each kill!

Disgruntled and sorry that Meghan didn’t get much improvement from her current bow, I continue forth to fight my hardest challenge yet.
To be continued in part 3.