EPTI'm on my 4th day without them. Believe me, it doesnt sound like much, but this is no fucking picnic. I always had the philosophy about my drug use that if I didnt drag anyone down to my level, or hurt there lives in anyway, then what I was doing was inherently wrong to others. With the prospect of our child.... it changes things. It changes time. I had to stop. The money isnt the only issue here, but I have to be healthy and functioning for every aspect of my child. It seems like a miracle almost. I really wanted to quit for so long, the pain right now is undescribable.
So far I've managed to get myself up every day and go to work, I havent been cleaning up the house like usual but I'm trying to play it off as a very severe cold. A few more days from now and I'll be back to doing my household tasks just fine. I'm trying to be very strong about this and handle all my duties the best I can.
What helps me most? Food. Everytime I eat a good meal I seem to have some new found pain-free energy for about 15 or so minutes. It's very strange, since the beginning of my withdrawals I've probably started eating 1000x time more food. It's like I've never eaten before. I just ate chicken and now I feel relatively fine, but in a few minutes I'll be downhill again.
Things that suck the most? The absolute worst thing is a little thing called Restless Leg Syndrome, normal me doesnt have this disorder, withdrawling me certainly does. I looked on the internet and it can be a common symptom of withdrawl. All I'm going to say is, FUCK RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. This shit isnt how it sounds at all. My legs just hurt, all the fucking time. I cant sleep because of the pain in my legs. A little tylenol helps very slightly, thats been my ace in the hole for sleeping.
Time for number two, crying. Why do I feel like crying at things that arent sad. I cant even watch lord of the rings without nearly busting a tear when the fellowship forms. "One does not simply walk into mordor." Me sitting there about to fucking cry. Its annoying.
Number three, hot and cold... just before sunset it gets very hot where I live. I wouldn't say its hot enough to turn the air conditioning on though because then I'll freeze to death. I'm pretty much screwed either way, I keep a fan on at almost all hours of the day excluding morning. It... helps a little. Between the RLS and the heat I cant nap through the mid-day hours when I'm off work. I can accept it for now, I suppose. Not much to say about the cold, aside from short bouts of shivering i quite like cuddling up with blankets anyway, so its acceptable.
Number 4, depression. I feel like everything is getting worse, when in reality it's getting better. Day by day things get better. Yesterday was the worst day of my life and of course, I had to attend a childrens birthday party. My saving grace is my fiance is pregnant and gets tired very easily so we curl up on a couch, I drank 2 beers for the RLS(made it worse) and fall asleep together. Something about her just makes me feel motivated, and good. I dont feel as sick when shes there giving mes love. Without her, I'd have already turned back, found some drugs and went to town. She keeps me going every single day. I'm so thankful for her. She means everything to me. We are doing incredibly well, we are a very loving couple.
Number 5, the last number. TIME. Time is going by so slow, a minute feels like a year. An hour, like a century. I just want to make it through this week, I should be better by Wednesday at the latest. I focus on that and my loving fiance to keep me going, I just have to be strong, I can handle anything as long as shes at my side, she'll never know what shes done for me, but I'll make sure she well tha ked for all of it. I just want to take care of her. I'm happy to end all this. This is the beginning on a new chapter in my life.
If you guys like maybe when I feel better in a few days I'll add how my last few days experiences go! I hope someone in a similar situation can take anything from this. Most of all, to the adicts out there, its not as hard as you think, when you really want it.
I'm gonna try to do it entirely on my own, I hit bottom on my own Ill try to climb my way out alone from here.
