EPTShe said in a bitter voice.
It was the singlemost worst she could have.
I love you
She added.
What I'm writing here may not be well worded troughout and may contain some grammar mistakes. Sorry for that. I also don't know if I am writing this for TL or for myself, but Microsoft word felt to lonely in my current state of mind. English is not my mother tongue. But it always touched me more than german, especally when concerning feelings. I know, maybe it's too early for this, but I need my hands on a keyboard right now, as my mind needs to free itself from it's overburdendness.
It was a rainy night. My room cold, my lights dim. She called. I did not expect it, but was gladly surprised as I saw her Skype picture pop up on my screen. I accepted and 40 minutes later was shivering. The last time I cried was when my dog died, but that night I did not only cry. I could not move for an hour I could not think. The only thing I could do was lying on my keyboard hoping my fragile pc table would be able to hold me and my pain.
As I went to bed I pictured that young 16 year old boy I once was. The shoulder-long hair, sometimes not washed for weeks, the tired eyes that told the world where I spend my freetime, the lousy clothes, trying to hide my growing belly. That was me and that was okay. I have always said, it will change, to parents, to teachers, to everyone:
I'm a teenager, I do shitty stuff, believe me, for my final year I will change
Nobody believed that boy and everybody had the right to be a disbeliever. Besides my marks being the worst in class throughout my twelve years of school and me sitting at the computer all the time, I did a lot of illegal stuff beyond the shit some teenagers do because they are young and stupid. My parents are loving, but they were lousy and I was one of those kids that exploited this lousieness as often as I could.
Girls.
You can guess it right? Countless nights alone in my bed, waiting for someone to hold me. Countless nights infront of my pc, hoping for someone to relieve me from my pornographical addictions.
At 16 I was kicked from my highschool. And for a short period of time I wanted to change my life. My father cut all my pc-cables and started to shut down the electricity of my room every night at
9 PM. My mother helped me finding a new school. One of the best in town was actually ready to take me, if I would be able to do a french and latin test, because the literature class I wanted to join was ahead of my old school in these too subjects.
It was the first point in my life that I really learned hard for something. The latin test was rather easy, but since I did nothing and I mean really nothing in the first two years of french I had in my old school, I knew I needed to do more than just learning by myself now. So I took an language trip to the french part of switzerland.
It was a summer school with people from around the world. Everybody seemed nice and friendly, but my introverted self was not able to come out of it's shell. Between and after classes I said on a shady bench reading one of my favourite fantasy books by a german author. And on the third day, someone appeared right beside me.
" What are you reading there?"
It was not the voice of an angel, neither did it struck my heart instantly. But thinking about that moment today, I can definetly say, it was a life changing question.
I looked up and saw her. Not for the first time, but it was the first time I recognized her fully. Two hours later she said she would like to love me, but that she had a boyfriend at home in germany and she thinks she loves him. For me this was more than I ever had hoped for. To often did I fell in love just to find out how good of a friend I am, how much girls love to talk with me but nothing more. And there two hours after we had meet, I feared the same, feared for her to say how good of a friend I could be. It was that night in bad that I started to realize how much worse this situation was. Cause somewhere deep in my heart I knew she was the one, it was more than just a summer love.
Two days later she went home, leaving me there for a week of thinking and writing about the unfair ways of my love life. I knew she lived in a city more than an eight hour train ride away from mine, I knew that she had a boyfriend and that maybe I could never see her again.
We love the same things, our hearts pound at the same rate, we are a perfect match, but how could it be a perfect match for me, if she was'nt unreachable
Writing that sentence down today, altough in another language, it feels the exactly the same. For long I was ashamed of the boy I was, but now we are re-allied. As if the last three years of a good life did'nt happen at all.
Coming home a week later I went through alot of changes. I meet new people, new friends. New games came out to fill the holes inbetween. A shade fell over my heart and I started to forget and when I remembered I played more of them. Much like an alcoholic who drains his mind in whiskey and beer, I filled mine with Starcraft and WoW. School was going bad again, I was still getting fatter.
Skip forward, 2012, my final year. MoP came out, I started to stay at home more often. I missed two weeks straight. I was at the brink of falling out of school again, but this time I myself cut all the cables from my pc. I myself stood up, went to school and talked with the headmaster. I myself tried to get my shit together. Cause I remembered the 16 year old boy saying: " For my final year, I will stand up, I will stop playing to much, I will pass the year with good grades for once."
But after a week I remembered more.
There she was again, the young girl from germany. I knew she must be 19 now, like myself and maybe she has forgotten me. Maybe it was less than i thought, some stupid teenage love, something to laugh at now, 3 years later. But me thinking was not enough, I needed to her it from her. Facebook was my friend for once and I found her. Wrote her some pathetic piece of crap and got her skype.
Some days later I clicked the call button and suddenly it felt like the last words we had said to each other had been spoken the day before. We talked and talked. From November 2012 to April 2013 we just talked to each other over skype. About life, Schiller, Goethe and about her new boyfriend. She was sad to hear that I only had bad experiences with other girls and we both knew that our skype-friend/relationship was strangly beautiful and poisingly dangerous. Once she asked me if I still love her and I lied. Saying no than was so much easier, I did not want her to quit what he had. Just the talking, even though not in real life, was more than enough for those months.
Somewhere at the beginning of April though I lost it, I knew I had to quit it now. But she wanted to come to my place for a three days holiday and I thought I would try to get her this one time and then, if it fails, forget.
She came and three days later left. At the train station she was whispering in my ear: " I love you." I replied and after she was gone I knew I had'nt got her, but now I can't forget.
A week later she left her boyfriend and though we both did'nt really want it, we got together. We were a Skype-couple. When we had money and time we took the train, either she or me coming to my or her place. Sometimes a day, sometimes a week, but never more. I passed all my final test with good grades, she too. We started to think about it: About studying together, about getting a home, kids, marrying. All of it was a long time away, but in our hearts and minds we were already there.
Better an end with terror than terror without an end
I never realized it. For me, having a long-distance relationship was more than having none. And as I see in her, the person, I want to spend my life with, it was a time worth waiting. But for her, it was terror. She only knew relationships. She had them since she was 14. For her, as much as she wants to be a strong independant woman ( and is), a boyfriend has to be at her side every night relieving her from haunting dreams and bad workdays. And I was not there. I was in Austria, eight hours away, most of the time, only reachable through skype. I did'nt knew, I did'nt realize.
Better an end with terror than terror without an end
Hearing her say this words killed me inside. What? This was terror? This perfect... oh wait. I realized, what we had was a pile of shit. And the terror was not me, it was the earth and stone, the miles that seperate us. I looked to the sky, to a god I don't believe in and swore.
She said she rather wants to live alone, with a broken heart, than in an relationship with me, thinking about me all the time and feeling the sadness and pain everyday. Today I called her again, hoping for a better anwser. I described to her, my shitty day, the pain I felt, but she described to me, how she felt free.
You're an explorer, you need to travel the world and live the life of an unsettled, but I, as much as I love the breeze of the ocean and the spicy tastes of the east, need safety and a humble home.
I wanted to reply but she just said I love you and quit the call.
Of course, I want to see the world. Hell yeah I want to become an archaelogist working at all those epic places from the books I've read throughout my childhood. But I want a home to, I want kids, I want you. What are experiences that are left unshared. And with whom do i want to share them if not you?
She said she will not wait, but rather live on without an heart, cause waiting causes pain, but she knows she can not love another man. I hope she's there when I come back, I hope I have the power to do what I want, even without here by my side. I am a stronger person now and so much of that is because of the relationship we had. The 16 year old boy grew into a man, but not alone.
Wish me luck and thank you for reading.
.
