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Last Day of Gym Membership

Blogs > [UoN]Sentinel
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[UoN]Sentinel
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States11320 Posts
September 11 2013 01:42 GMT
#1
I don't like public bathrooms.

To date, I've been pushed off a toilet, forced to unload my manure in a urinal because of a terrorist scare, and some other lesser goodies that I might retell at later dates. I used to flinch every time someone walked in when I'm relieving myself, and I can only completely relax when I'm 100% sure I'm alone.

Today I have a new story to add to the compendium. This is from this weekend, where I find myself looking at... the ceiling. I'm taking a piss, and on this day of all days I'm spaced out. I always am - I've thought up entire songs during particularly boring lessons at school, but never in a public bathroom. It's been a while since anything noteworthy has happened to me in one. So, while the Sentinel of the South is doing his job, I'm off in lala land for what might be the first time in years.

The impact-on-urinal sound is weird today, but at this point I pay it no heed. There are obviously more important things to think about. Then I notice the bzzt-bzzt that usually accompanies something interesting reaching my phone. Who could be messaging me today? I don't have any friends.

While reaching for my pocket, I notice something else. My dick is pointing in the wrong direction.

Instead of opening the Floodgates of Freedom into the Receptacle of Righteousness, I'm actually pissing a little bit to the left. And it's spattering on the floor (oh, THAT's the sound I was hearing), not beneath me - whew! - but on the floor inside the stall to my left.

The stall to my left at this point is occupied.

WELL SHIT. Course correction - play it cool, Sent, he hasn't said anything, he probably hasn't noticed either

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS"

There goes that idea.

Nonchalantly zip up. Maybe he didn't notice it before, maybe I can sneak my way out of here. Even if he gets up quickly.

I have two options. I can Usain Bolt out of here and hope nobody notices me in the hallway, then walk out like nothing happened. It's my last day at the gym and my membership will be frozen until next summer, no questions asked, right?

But it's also Saturday afternoon and there's a crapload of people here. Generally nobody is ready to start a conversation, but why take that chance, right? So I go with the second option and pretend it wasn't me. Quickly finish and casually walk over to wash my hands.

"I'M TALKING TO YOU ASSHOLE"

Looks like that Ferrari was behind door number one after all. So a very irate man of about 30-35, probably a frequent visitor by the looks of his build, walks out of the stall, in his undies, holding his sweatpants which seem to have barely made contact with the Inundation of Inaccuracy.

"Look, sir, I- I'm sorry, but I, uh..."

"WHAT. WHAT DID YOU DO."

The gears are grinding in my head at full speed. Might have been steam coming out of my ears for all it was worth. I was trying to come up with a convincing lie and rationalize my folly at the same time.

At this point I realize that if I can make it to the general vicinity of the exit, I'll be golden. This guy might be mad but there's no way he's going out there without any pants on.

"I just... wasn't paying attention, I guess. Look I'm really sorry but I have to---"

"ARE YOU FUCKING AUTISTIC KID? WHAT THE HELL ELSE COULD YOU BE THINKING ABOUT"

A little bit of spittle hit me in three spots on my face. In my book, that counts for all the damage my Dew of Defilement had done to his pants.

"I mean, can't you.. you know, wash it out? Have you never accidentally... (at this point his face indicated he was inventing more retard-related berations) well you know... last few drops?"

Saved. I see his eyes relax for a thousandth of a thousandth of a second. Definitely still livid, but at least it downplayed the fact that my Pool of Putrefaction had made contact with his sweatpants.

Long period of silence.

"...You're really lucky I'm done for the day, you little shit. Get out."

Bomb has been defused. Counter-terrorists win. I just throw away the paper towel I was apparently holding for that entire time, and leave while I still can.

My destiny endures...

****
Нас зовет дух отцов, память старых бойцов, дух Москвы и твердыня Полтавы
Mothra
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States1448 Posts
September 11 2013 02:01 GMT
#2
5/5. Worthy of short story collection.
krez
Profile Joined August 2013
Australia59 Posts
September 11 2013 02:05 GMT
#3
You're like the Stephen King or Palahniuk of TL my man.
ObviousOne
Profile Joined April 2012
United States3704 Posts
September 11 2013 02:19 GMT
#4
5/5 for finding a dude wearing sweat pants in public. That is a man giving zero fucks, anyway, so I think you were okay the whole time.

Crisis averted.
Fear is the only darkness. ~Destiny Fan Club operator~
[UoN]Sentinel
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States11320 Posts
September 11 2013 02:28 GMT
#5
On September 11 2013 11:19 ObviousOne wrote:
5/5 for finding a dude wearing sweat pants in public. That is a man giving zero fucks, anyway, so I think you were okay the whole time.

Crisis averted.


Well this was the gym, I assumed he had just finished his workout.
Нас зовет дух отцов, память старых бойцов, дух Москвы и твердыня Полтавы
FakeDouble
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
Australia676 Posts
September 11 2013 02:37 GMT
#6
great story telling :D
Formerly known as carbonaceous
ObviousOne
Profile Joined April 2012
United States3704 Posts
September 11 2013 02:58 GMT
#7
On September 11 2013 11:28 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Show nested quote +
On September 11 2013 11:19 ObviousOne wrote:
5/5 for finding a dude wearing sweat pants in public. That is a man giving zero fucks, anyway, so I think you were okay the whole time.

Crisis averted.


Well this was the gym, I assumed he had just finished his workout.

I was trying for silly but I must have accidentally instead. =P
Fear is the only darkness. ~Destiny Fan Club operator~
Kojak21
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
Canada1104 Posts
September 11 2013 03:22 GMT
#8
U sir have a crazy life!
¯\_(☺)_/¯
Epishade
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States2267 Posts
September 11 2013 03:23 GMT
#9
You pissed on someone else and they didn't kick the shit out of you.

5/5 in my book.
Pinhead Larry in the streets, Dirty Dan in the sheets.
lichter
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
1001 YEARS KESPAJAIL22272 Posts
September 11 2013 04:13 GMT
#10
Piss balloon still #1 TL Piss Story, but this is a good #2
AdministratorYOU MUST HEED MY INSTRUCTIONS TAKE OFF YOUR THIIIINGS
TheEmulator
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
28085 Posts
September 11 2013 05:30 GMT
#11
lol, I'm surprised you got out alive. People can be pretty irrational when angry, there's no telling what he would have done if you responded differently.
Administrator
docvoc
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States5491 Posts
September 11 2013 06:15 GMT
#12
On September 11 2013 14:30 TheEmulator wrote:
lol, I'm surprised you got out alive. People can be pretty irrational when angry, there's no telling what he would have done if you responded differently.

He said he was 30-35, UON could have taken him no probs with his manliness... that or peed on him.
User was warned for too many mimes.
Jerubaal
Profile Blog Joined June 2010
United States7684 Posts
September 11 2013 06:41 GMT
#13
On September 11 2013 10:42 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:
Then I notice the bzzt-bzzt that usually accompanies something interesting reaching my phone. Who could be messaging me today? I don't have any friends.
.


I've thought this many a time as well. ;D
I'm not stupid, a marauder just shot my brain.
Tobberoth
Profile Joined August 2010
Sweden6375 Posts
September 11 2013 09:17 GMT
#14
Hilarious story, but honestly, I'm sort of with the dude, how the hell do you "suddenly notice" that your dick is pointing the wrong way?
[UoN]Sentinel
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States11320 Posts
September 11 2013 09:45 GMT
#15
On September 11 2013 18:17 Tobberoth wrote:
Hilarious story, but honestly, I'm sort of with the dude, how the hell do you "suddenly notice" that your dick is pointing the wrong way?

Have you never accidentally missed the bowl?
Нас зовет дух отцов, память старых бойцов, дух Москвы и твердыня Полтавы
HeeroFX
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
United States2704 Posts
September 11 2013 14:19 GMT
#16
lol, how do you not pay attention
[UoN]Sentinel
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States11320 Posts
September 11 2013 14:37 GMT
#17
On September 11 2013 23:19 HeeroFX wrote:
lol, how do you not pay attention


I mean its not something that usually demands intense concentration... I just commenced primary ignition and went back to whatever it was I was pondering.
Нас зовет дух отцов, память старых бойцов, дух Москвы и твердыня Полтавы
Burrfoot
Profile Blog Joined July 2012
United States1176 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-09-11 14:46:32
September 11 2013 14:40 GMT
#18
My penis has a large opening so sometimes when I piss with a boner I have 2 distinct streams going in different directions. Other times foreskin changes my pee's trajectory. I also don't pay attention sometimes, and other times in pee up to clean dead insects or boogers off the top of the stall. Public service!

http://us.battle.net/d3/en/profile/Davlok-1847/career
ieatkids5
Profile Blog Joined September 2004
United States4628 Posts
September 11 2013 15:16 GMT
#19
wat

i'm always focused when taking a piss. gotta concentrate and aim at the spot that minimizes splatter.
docvoc
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States5491 Posts
September 11 2013 16:02 GMT
#20
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
User was warned for too many mimes.
Epishade
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States2267 Posts
September 12 2013 01:49 GMT
#21
This is why I sit down to pee.
Pinhead Larry in the streets, Dirty Dan in the sheets.
Mothra
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States1448 Posts
September 12 2013 02:06 GMT
#22
On September 12 2013 10:49 Epishade wrote:
This is why I sit down to pee.


Bad move... then you are helpless when UoNSentinel starts to pee on your pants.
CecilSunkure
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States2829 Posts
September 12 2013 02:17 GMT
#23
WHO WAS CONTACTING YOU ON THE PHONE
Epishade
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
United States2267 Posts
September 12 2013 02:44 GMT
#24
This is what actually went down that fateful night.
[image loading]
Pinhead Larry in the streets, Dirty Dan in the sheets.
[UoN]Sentinel
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States11320 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-09-12 03:20:20
September 12 2013 03:19 GMT
#25
On September 12 2013 11:17 CecilSunkure wrote:
WHO WAS CONTACTING YOU ON THE PHONE


Friend was asking me if I was going to get on SC2 in the next 15 minutes.

On September 12 2013 11:06 Mothra wrote:
Show nested quote +
On September 12 2013 10:49 Epishade wrote:
This is why I sit down to pee.


Bad move... then you are helpless when UoNSentinel starts to pee on your pants.


Well if he was standing up he'd still be helpless, but maybe I could make him dance a little jig.
Нас зовет дух отцов, память старых бойцов, дух Москвы и твердыня Полтавы
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