North American ROOT Players Offered in Human Sacrifice to Summon Sage
In a desperate attempt to win an Acer TeamStory cup match against Team MVP, ROOT Gaming captain Paulo "CatZ" Vizcarra offered the lives of North American players Minigun, puCK, theognis and ViBE as human sacrifices in an ancient Inca ritual to resurrect the demi-god Sage. Pouring the still-warm blood of his teammates onto the sacrificial alter, Vizcarra invoked the forbidden magic of his ancestors in hopes of summoning the terrifying being, known for bringing bountiful harvests, safe births, and Dark Templar drops.
Vizcarra's eyes rolled back in their sockets as he chanted the primal words required to complete the unholy ritual. "Rhut for Rhut, Rhut for Rhut!" As the skies grew black and thunder crashed all around, an otherworldly voice could be heard to say "The pact is sealed." Reborn as a being of flesh and sinew, the resurrected Sage feasted on the blood of the sacrificed before sitting down to make sure his hotkey settings were correct.
Sage proceeded to lose to a proxy-barracks all-in from 17 year old Korean pro-gamer MVP.Dream.
Foreigners Remember That Time They Believed in Themselves
Following the WCS Season 1 Grand Finals, foreign players spent the last weekend reminiscing about the times in which they could fight evenly on a global scale. "It was pretty stupid of us to ever think we could keep that up," said Liquid Zerg Dario Wünsch, "But at least HuK won that one MLG. Remember that?"
The group, consisting of current WCS competitors as well as former IEM and MLG champions, discussed the brief period of hope and promise they had before Korean competitors were a mainstay at events. "What were we thinking?" stated one past IEM winner, "the Koreans have training facilities with coaches and dedicated staff, we don't even have Ministry of Win anymore."
As the players went their separate ways Stardust sought out Sjow to thank him for having just enough concentration to eliminate Life during DreamHack Summer and ensure his own victory.
David Kim Admits To NASCAR Obsession
The SC2 balance lead told reporters "The dedicated drivers of NASCAR have motivated me to look for extra speed in all areas of my work."
At press time he was seen running Warp Prism and Oracle models up and down his desk while muttering vroom to no one in particular.
GOM Announces Muppets Bert And Ernie As WCS Season 2 Casters
At A Glance
· Redditor Upvotes CSL Post Before Tuning Into IdrA's Stream
· Tasteless Declares This Morning's Breakfast 'Most Delicious Breakfast of All Time'
· DIMAGA Angered That Casters Refuse To Shout His Name
· Charity Stream Raises $4.38 To Fund Cancer Research
Weighing In
With the gaming population aging, we took to the streets to ask older gamers why they spend their time in SC2 instead of engaging in activities appropriate for their withering bodies and minds.
"The sound of Zerglings masks my empty, childless household and existence."
Bethany Serchans, Cake Maker
"Being kicked out of the local border patrol means the only aliens I can shoot are with marines."
Burt McEnry, Autoworker
"I'd love to stop and chat but I have crippling social anxiety."
Katie Dumas, Pool Cleaner
Pitchfork Preserver brought to you by Heyoka, WaxAngel, stuchiu, salle, and kollin, with special thanks to shiro and fusefuse for graphics.
Also, to anyone that didn't understand about Dimaga's name being yelled, this refers to QXC announcing NightEnD and Kas's names in wrestling voices so loudly that Kas typed in chat "He's loud"
I'd say "Most delicious breakfast" should be "Most delicious meal", since Innovation was declared best RTS player of all time, even though he only plays Starcraft.
Also, to anyone that didn't understand about Dimaga's name being yelled, this refers to QXC announcing NightEnD and Kas's names in wrestling voices so loudly that Kas typed in chat "He's loud"
On June 24 2013 22:41 slowbacontron wrote: I'd say "Most delicious breakfast" should be "Most delicious meal", since Innovation was declared best RTS player of all time, even though he only plays Starcraft.
haha that would have worked too.
Glad everyone enjoyed! I was worried this issue wouldn't shape up but then it came together nicely.
EPT
Foreigners Remember That Time They Believed in Themselves
"The sound of Zerglings masks my empty, childless household and existence."
"Being kicked out of the local border patrol means the only aliens I can shoot are with marines."
"I'd love to stop and chat but I have crippling social anxiety."
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ym2JtQT.jpg)
