EPTI took the elevator down to the kitchen where my servants were all gathered and preparing my daily meal. I sat down and glanced at the newspaper positioned at the table. It was upside down but I decided to let it slide today.
I was busy flipping through the pages when Chef Marcel brought out my breakfast. He should have known better than to interrupt my reading time. I berated him for his stupidity. He apologized and laid out my meal on the table: Steak and eggs with a side of bacon, pancakes, a muffin, and freshly squeezed orange juice. This was far less than the usual as my butler had previously misinformed me. He would have to be punished later.
I finished up and called for my limo driver to wait for me by the curb. My butler, perhaps thinking I would forgive his mistake, cleaned up after me, a task usually reserved for the maid. I got up from the table and walked out the front door.
I waited at the curb for at least 10 seconds before AND after my driver had pulled up. Not only was he late, but he had forgotten to get out and open the door for me. The fool! I fired him on the spot and decided just to walk to my next-door neighbor’s house instead. When I got there he was already outside, tending to some weeds he decided to grow in his garden. I think they’re called tomatoes. He probably didn’t know they sold those at the store.
“Howdy neighbor!” I yelled at him from across the yard.
“Is that you Epishade? I haven’t seen you in ages! Come on in.” He discarded his tools and opened his front door for me. I entered but was taken aback by what I saw. I had no idea people could live in such filth. His tv was less than 60 inches wide. The chandelier wasn’t glass. His piano wasn’t even Grand! I shuddered when he offered me some wine made only 40 years ago. As if I would taste that sludge!
Despite his nearly inhospitable conditions, the poor man seemed ignorant of his deficiency of wealth. He was happy and oblivious to his surroundings. I felt sorry for him. I offered to help pay for some touch-ups around the house but he merely laughed and shrugged it off.
Not wishing to stay a moment longer than I had to, I suggested we grab a bite to eat. Before he had the chance to say no (and I wasn’t risking it) I had already pulled out my cellphone and called my butler to make a reservation at the classiest and most expensive brunch joint in town. My friend looked upset.
“Don’t worry” I told him. “I’m paying.”
He laughed and informed me that the traffic at this time of day would make travel difficult.
“There’s no traffic in the sky”. I opened his front door to reveal the helicopter now parked in his driveway. We both got in the cockpit.
“You sure this is safe?” He asked me.
“Please.” I showed him the gold golf clubs I kept in the backseat. “I spent many a happy day on the golf course driving from 50 feet up in the air before I was tournament banned”. I started the helicopter and we flew off to our brunch date.
When we finally got to the restaurant, there was a long line of people to get in standing outside. I put the helicopter on hover and gave my friend the controls. I grabbed the bag of money next to my clubs and started raining hundred dollar bills next to the crowd. Unfortunately the wind picked up and blew some of the money into traffic. The resulting casualties scared off most of the people in line though so we got in pretty quick.
As we entered the restaurant everyone turned to look at us and started whispering.
“Look it’s Epishade!” “I can’t believe Epishade just walked in!” “Epishade must have read my letters!”.
I was quickly surrounded by fans wishing for autographs and pictures. Being the nice guy that I was I took out a stack of signed photographs from my pocket and threw it up in the air as a distraction. We got to our table unscathed and my late-to-arrive security made sure we went unbothered the rest of the day. They set a fine example for the rest of the onlookers by tazing someone attempting to get a picture with me. Unfortunately we were asked to leave despite my power and wealth.
As we left, my friend inquired about my riches.
“Remind me again how it is you made your billions and became the richest person on Earth?”
“Well, it all began when I single-handedly conquered North Korea” I started. But before I could finish my story I was ambushed by some street thugs. My guards quickly rushed to my aid and shocked the paparazzi taking pictures with their camera flashes still on.
“Those idiots nearly blinded me” I raged. I called for my medic who diagnosed me as fine. My backup medic gave me the same response as well. Unfortunately my backup backup medic wasn’t there today (his mother couldn’t have picked a worse time to die) so I was admittedly a bit worried about my condition.
I turned to my friend and said that we’d better call it a day. He agreed and said that he should probably get back to his wife.
“I’m sorry”.
“For what?” he asked, unaware there was anything wrong.
“Oh nothing. Don’t worry about it.” I called for my helicopter and flew back to my castle-mansion. My friend waved goodbye from the ground as I rode off. After such an exhilarating day I think I earned myself some alone time...with a few of my prepaid callgirls that is.
